Artemis' Lament 2 OR Babes In Deadland (might get a little offensive. You were warned.)
 
>While guarding Art, who was doing nothing worth mentioning, Gritty turned to her coworker, a curious look on her face.
>"Hey, Baroness. About how much combat would you say you've seen?"
>The more stoic of the two ponies sighed, and shut her eyes, reminiscing.
>"Enough. More than that, really. I've spent months on a single battlefield at a time."
>"So then-" came Gritty's voice, pulling her out of her visions of enemy actions observed while flat on her belly.
>"How come I have soooooo many more scars than you?"
>Prince Artemis actually choked at hearing Gritty's question, so baldfaced and direct as it was.
>Not that she was the element of tact at the best of times.
>Baroness was flummoxed, and spoke a stifled, stuttering response, before remembering something important about herself.
>"I...I only have one eye! Did you forget?! Cause I don't. I certainly didn't just now,"
>She cursed how utterly unconvincing that lie was, questioning her repeatedly-proven ability to do well in special ops missions.
>Then she remembered that deceiving the enemy was *supposed* to be her specialty, and an idea crossed her mind.
>Not before Gritty interrupted her chain of thought though...
>"But that isn't faaaaaaaair. I look like a pile of orange peels somepony took a knife to and then built a pony out of! All you got is one wound? That's...." she made a cute little noise of frustration.
>It in no way crossed Baroness' mind that she liked cute mares.
>Still, she would proceed with her plan.
>"I...I have one more scar, but it's..."
>And she cast her gaze to the floor.
>"...internal."
>The other two ponies in the room heard her voice drop at this, and came over to comfort their companion.
>Artemis turned on every shred of loving authority his station afforded him.
>"Baron. If you don't want to talk about this, whatever it is, that's fine."
>A foreleg was thrown over the one-eyed pony's shoulder.
>"I'm sure Gritty is quite sorry if she made you feel bad or anything. Isn't that right, Grit?"
>But before she could respond, the sound of a lone tear on the floor caught their attentions.
>Baroness looked at them both, and spoke, despite a look on her face like a heart that got broken over and over...
>"No. It's...better if I talk about it."
>"And I...I'm not gonna keep it *sniff* secret from either one of you. No secrets!" That last bit was more of a wail than a shout.
>"It was..." and she scrunched her face up in frustrated sorrow.
>"A...miscarriage!"
>A stunned  silence settled into the room, and was then abruptly shaken out.
>"Oh. My. ME." said Artemis, shocked.
>"Yeah, oh my him." Gritty agreed, pointing absentmindedly with a hoof.
>Gritty found she couldn't force out the words to respond to this news.
>But Artemis tried.
>"Baron, we had no...that's..."
>And a smile crossed Baron's face for half a second as she prepared to reveal her clever ruse.
>But then he hugged her. VERY tightly.
>Were there an audience, they would have been reminded of the fact that alicorns have earth pony strength, in addition to the horn and wings.
>Instead, there was only Baroness, growing more and more embarrassed.
>Heat flooded her cheeks as her eyes went wide at the unexpected display.
>And heat flooded somewhere further south of her cheeks as a familiar tube of flesh pressed into her thigh.
>She hated that reaction in herself. She was a lesbian. She should feel no sexual tension with a stallion.
>Even a very nice stallion.
>A very kind and caring stallion, who could provide any mare with anything.
>A stallion she had watched clopped over and over as part of her job-
>And she seized on that.
>A job. This is a job.
>Any feelings she had needed to sit down and shut up, being neither seen nor heard.
>And like that she calmed herself. Mostly.
>She did admit inwardly that if Artemis were female, she'd do her damndest to court him- HER.
>But that was enough to make her relax in his genuinely tender embrace.
>Until Grittyguts threw her forelegs around the both of them and Baroness' thoughts began running wild again.
>They've *both* seen Artemis 'handle himself'. And Gritty liked it a fair bit more unashamedly than Baron did.
>Meaning Baron had caught far, far too many glimpses of Grittyguts' aroused marehood. Even a few, blessed winks when it got particularly bad.
>Deciding to cut the knot this time, she pushed both ponies away, and began explaining immediately.
>"I-I-I-I was joking! Haha! I t~otally got you guys! I don't have any dead foals!"
>"See, I can be funny too! I'm not the only unfunny one anymore! Haha. Ha."
>"You should s...see your faces, and..."
>Then she saw their faces. Their angry faces.
>She tried to avoid any wrath that might be coming.
>"I mean I...I've never even been with a stallion!"
>But that was lying, even to herself.
>"Well, there was a-"
>"That's not cool, Baron." interrupted Gritty.
>"Indeed." said Artemis, sternly.
>"We are quite disappointed in thou. Dead babies art no laughing matter."
>"As punishment, thou shalt not accompany myself and Gritty to the maltshop for stirrupwafels."
>"But...but I LOVE stirrupwafels!" said Baron, actually sad for reals now.
>But Artemis wouldn't budge.
>"Yes. That is precisely why this is a punishment. Dead babies indeed."
>He turned around and began to trot off with an actual 'harrumph'.
>"It's my job to watch you always!" Baroness shouted after them.
>"You're on break!" came back Art's response, somehow feeling no joy in FINALLY finding a way to get his almost-too-loyal guardponies to leave him alone for short bursts.
>Indeed, his remark was too clever for himself to fully appreciate, and he failed to even realize the applications.
>Grittyguts followed him, likewise wearing a stony face of solid disapproval.
>Internally though, she had already decided to order more than she could eat to sneak Baron a snack later. Friendship and all that, right? Or at least coworkership.
>Artemis was planning on doing the same.
>He knew a thing or two about being socially awkward. And telling bad jokes.
>"But...guys! There is no dead baby! Come on!"
>But her voice was already fading to silence.