>Own a little house in the countryside.
>Bought it when your aunt passed away and left you some coin.
>This is the country country, too.  Neighbors are half a mile away in either direction.
>Really love the peace and quiet.
>While you're finishing up some work on your laptop, you hear a noise outside.
>Turn on the outside light and walk out onto the front porch.
>Great.  A crowd of thirty or so fluffy ponies is gathered in the front yard.
>They were eating your lawn, but turned to look when you hit the lights.
>They look scared, and pretty beat up.
>Lots of torn ears, patches of fluff missing, some bruises and black eyes.
>One fluffy, however, is in pristine condition.
>It waddles in your direction, cheeks puffed and horn throwing off very bright sparks.
>You walk down the steps and into the yard to meet it.
>Pretty big for a unicorn.  Its steely blue fluff and orange mane are immaculate.
>Its blue eyes shine with hate.
>”Dis ow' gwassies now, munsta!”
>It – he, based on the voice – is a smarty friend.
“Uh, these are my 'grassies', little guy.”
>”Take gwassies!  Smawty fwiend say dese gwassies now ow gwassies!”
>You fold your arms as you look at him.
>”Munsta no weave?  Hewd gif owwies!”
>The herd is in no hurry to charge you, however.
>They sit back and sniffle, shaking their heads.
>”Smawty say gif munsta owwies!  Smawty gif poopie pwace owwies if no wissen!”
>That spurs some of the fluffies to come over and buck at you halfheartedly.
>”Owwies no big 'nuff!” the unicorn growls, sparking his horn and ramming it up the rear end of a nearby earth fluffy.
>”Nuuuuuuuu!” the victim shrieks, scampering around.  “Why huwt fwuffy?!”
>The herd attacks with renewed vigor.  Most of the fluffies come over to your legs.
>You see four up near the road that stay put, two of which are very round.
>The sun is beginning to set, and you need to finish your work.
>You pretend to cede the field.
>”Smawty win!  Smawty make hooman munsta go 'way!” he cheers, jumping in place.
>He never actually attacked you.
>The herd still looks anxious as you walk back inside, their eyes never leaving you.
>A few hours later, the sun is below the horizon.
>You peek out the front window.
>The herd is gathered in a fluffy clump with their dams in the center for protection.
>Oddly, that's where the smarty unicorn is, too.
>Looks like they're settling down for the night.
>You see two fluffies coming up the steps.  Soon, you hear them scratching on your door.
>You open it and look down.  A purple earth fluffy and a green pegasus give you sad eyes.
“I'm sorry, you can't come in.”
>”No wan' in, wan' talkies wif hooman,” the pegasus says.
>Okay?
>You step outside and shut the door behind you.
“What's wrong?”
>”Pwease hewp hewd, smawty fwiend not smawty, smawty fwiend dummy!”
“What do you mean?”
>The purple earth fluffy begins sniffling.
>”Smawty a'ways say hoomans munstas, but hoomans onwy mad when smawty say gif owwies to dem...”
>”Smawty a'ways wun 'way, wet hewd get biggest owwies!” the pegasus adds.  “Mummas and babehs get huwties too...”
>That must be why such a big herd only has two dams.
>You look over at the unicorn, who appears to be asleep between the mothers.
“Does he do always do that, too?”
>The fluffies look where you point and nod.
>”Smawty hide wif mummas.  Neva sweep wif hewd.”
“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”
>Their sad eyes become hard and cold.
>”Kiww smawty fwiend.  Hooman haf powa.  Smawty fasta den fwuffies, a'ways gif big owwies wif scawy shinies.  Hooman no scawed of dem.  Hooman stwonges'.”
>They want you to help stage a fluffy coup d'état.
>The earth fluffy pleads with you.  ”Pwease hewp!  If smawty stay smawty den fwiends an' mummas get mo' big huwties!”
>You sigh, looking at the two fluffies. The earth fluffy is missing an ear, and the pegasus has had her tail chopped off.
“Fine.”
>You venture out into the yard, clapping your hands to rouse the herd.
>”Wha dat?!”,  “Noisies scawy!”, “Hewp!  Munsta hewe!”
>The brazen smarty friend charges you.
>”Go 'way!  Fwuffies sweepin'!  Hewd gif big owwies if no--”
>He stops, seeing the pegasus and earth fluffy standing with you.
>”Why no gif owwies?  Smawty say gif owwies!”
>They just shake their heads.
>When the unicorn rushes to horn-fuck them, you snatch him up by the tail.
>”Wet down!  Smawty in twouble, hewp!  Hewp!”
>You carry him around your house and into the backyard.
>Out of either fear or obligation, the herd gives chase, bleating at you to put him down.
>You walk up to the edge of the big pond.
>”No wawa!  Hewd gif biggest owwies if put smawty in wawa!”
>You drop him in.
>”Hewp!  Hewp!  Gif owwies an' hewp smawty!  Hewp smawty!  Hewp!”
>Not one fluffy moves to assist him, or to attack you.
>He thrashes about in the pond for a minute, then slips beneath the water.
“There you go.  Have fun.”
>You start walking back to the front of the house.
>”Hooman, wai'!”
>You turn back to the fluffies.
“What?”
>”You smawty fwiend now!  Wha wan' hewd do?”
>Excuse me?
“I'm not your smarty friend.  Pick one of yourselves to be that.”
>”Dat smawty fwiend kiww owd smawty, dat how be new smawty!  Hooman kiww smawty, now new smawty!”
>The herd mills about your feet, hugging your shins and chanting 'new smawty!'.
>What the fuck have you gotten yourself into?