"Chapters" in this 'epic saga' (pffffthahahaha) will be indicated by the parenthesized number (i.e. (1), (2), and so on) prefixing it in the pastes' titles.
 
I'm literally right at the character limit so it'll be fucking interesting when I reach two-digit numbers.
 
>Be human in Equestria through some vaguely-defined plot device
>But that's not important, you're a human in a land of pastel talking ponies, shit ain't rocket science
>Make a bit of a hubbub about Equestria through your bizarre and inexplicable difference from typical equine nature
>Including an oddly-obsessive mint-colored pony with a harp for a Cutie Mark
>Attention becomes so great that you find yourself a guest of the Royal Family at Canterlot Castle
>Celestia is nice enough, tries to make you feel comfortable despite the oddity of the situation
>Luna, however, is just a pleasantly-enigmatic being
>Always aloof, what few times you interact are in polite company and she has an odd air of archaism to her
>You want to get to know her more
>She provides you the means one memorable night
>"You're summoned", a guard tells you stiffly before turning around and walking away
>He looks back at you as you stand there in confusion, tossing his head to indicate that you should follow him
>Curious, you do so, finding that you are soon in a wing of the castle you had never been in
>It doesn't take long before the trappings indicate that this is, in fact, the royal apartments
>You both come to a door lavished with night-themed paraphernalia
>Surely this isn't-
>"If you do anything untoward with Her Highness, Princess Luna," the guard hisses angrily at you
>Oh shiiiit
>He knocks on the door
>"Enter!" bids a commanding female voice from within
>He cracks open the door, then nods at the threshold
>Looks like you were supposed to go in alone
>Well, okay then
>You push the door open, nervously stepping in, jumping a bit as the door slams shut behind you
>Luna herself stands proudly across the room, brilliant star-studded mane flowing in a nonexistent wind
>You stare at one another awkwardly
>For a few very long seconds
>You clear your throat
>"So, uh, not handling the night, tonight?"
>"Our sister said that she would manage tonight," she replies, "Such that we would have an opportunity to speak with you in private."
>"Oh"
>You nervously bite your lip
>"Talk about what, your Highness?"
>"We want you," she began
>You swallow unconsciously
>She steps towards her massive fucking bed and flops down onto it
>Her voice suddenly goes from commanding to sounding like an excited teenager
>"To tell us more about human life. Oh, the questions I have wanted to ask you, there are so very many, but the opportunities have been few and far between. You are a mystery, did you know? No one knows what makes you tick. Well, I for one would like to discover more!"
>You note she's slipped out of the monarchical plurality and into 'common' speech
>Her smile is so innocent and open that you can't help but laugh
>She blushes
>"W-what are you laughing about, Anon?"
>You hold up your hands, shaking them vigorously
>"Oh, no, your Highness, it's not you," you say quickly. "Just that this was not what I expected... at all."
>Her mouth twists into an adorably-confused wrinkle.
>"W-whatever do you mean?"
>"Just... when I first walked in, you were standing there, and that commanding voice, and-"
>She blushes and holds a hoof up to her mouth
>"I hope... I hope I didn't offend?"
>Chuckling, you shake your head
>"No, Your Highness. Pleasant surprise, that's all"
>The easy smile returns to her face
>"That is good to hear, Anon. And, please, for both our sakes, Luna will suffice."
>"Luna it is. So... questions...?"
>You trail off expectantly
>"Ah, right!"
>She pulls out a list
>Damn, this was going to take all night
>"Well, Anon, what's your world like? Climate-wise. I understand that it's quite different from Equestria..."
>...
>"... and that's about as much as I can tell you about cars, really. I don't understand them, myself, I get in them and they move."
>"Very intriguing!" Luna says enthusiastically as she finishes taking a note.
>It's been a good hour or so
>Random topics galore
>This was not nearly as exciting as you anticipated
>Silence falls for a bit as the Princess absentmindedly writes a few more bits on her parchment
>-ahem-
>"So, uh, Luna, will that be all?"
>She looks up, tongue between her teeth
>"Hmmm? Yes, Anon, I think that's just about it..."
>Sighing quietly, you turn to leave
>"Oh, one more thing!"
>Rolling your eyes despite yourself, you turn
>"What do humans do for... fun?"
>"Fun?"
>"Yes, fun." She looks at you quizzically, one eyebrow perked. "You know, derived amusement from engaging activities?"
>Did she think you were dense? You know what fun is
>And right now, you're not having fun
>Time to have some fun of your own
>"There are many things, Luna," you say, walking towards her
>She's completely fixated on your words, nodding
>"The best fun, however, comes from something that both parties enjoy"
>She's practically bobbing her head
>Goddamn, that's cute
>"Yes, Anon, like what?"
>"Well, Luna," you say, not sure how far your erstwhile familiarity has grown, "There's an activity that often goes on between two friends that serves as... bonding"
>She claps her hooves
>"Ooooh!" she squeals excitedly. "Can you show me, Anon?"
>Oh, HELL yes
>"Well, maaaybe," you say hesitantly, stretching the word out in barely-feigned doubt
>"What's wrong, Anon?" she asks concernedly. "Are we not friends? I believe we are!"
>"It's not that, Luna," you say, "It's just that... I'm not sure it works quite the same way with ponies..."
>You allow it to trail off, and she pounds lightly on her bed in frustration
>"That's not fair, Anon! You have to at least try, right?"
>Damn straight
>"Well, it's a physical thing, and ponies aren't quite the same. For a human..."
>You slowly reach for one of her hind legs
>"It would involve feet, but since you just have hooves... with your permission?" you ask as your hand reaches her leg
>Her brows draw down in utter confusion, but she waves a foreleg in assent, the other tucked under her chin as she analyzes your movements
>"Well, it's just something that humans react to naturally"
>You gingerly hold the leg up by the 'ankle', taking a moment to admire the beautifully-crafted diamond slipper around the tip of her hoof
>She watches you in anticipation
>You scrunch up your mouth as you think
>"Does this, like, come off somehow?" you ask stupidly, pointing at the slipper
>She nods her head slowly
>"Of course," she quietly says, "It just sort of slides off..."
>You reverently remove the slipper from her hoof
>While the difference is subtle, you've spent enough time amongst Equestrians to recognize hooves a bit
>And this one was absurdly tender, at least in appearance
>Clearly Luna never went unshod without good reason
>"I think I know what you're doing, Anon," Luna says, rather nervously, as your free hand slowly inches toward the soft exposed flesh of her underhoof
>"And ponies are ticklish too-HOO-HOO-HOO!"
>Well, turns out there's fewer differences than you thought
>"ANON, STA-HA-HA-HAHP!"
>Your fingers had only been dancing across the soft flesh for a few moments and already Luna was practically in tears
>The sheets were clenched between her front hooves and held to her face as she rocked back and forth with laughter
>Her bucking, while powerful, was nowhere near strong enough to kick you away, a fact that you took good advantage of
>You continued to dig into the tender frog of her hoof, enjoying both the feel of the pampered skin and the musical laughter of the Princess of the Night
>"Plehehease. PLEHEHEASE ANON!"
>Her grin was ear-to-ear, tears rolling down her face as her eyes locked with yours, pleading, BEGGING for relief
>"No more. No mo-ho-ho-hore OH I CAN'T DO THI-HI-HIS!"
>She fell back in surrender onto her pillow, not even bothering trying to speak through the laughter anymore
>You slowly ramped back your assault, as both her reactions and your enjoyment at her helplessness tapered off
>Finally, you stop, still maintaining a firm grip on her leg
>She pulls herself back up, looking at you with anxious expectation
>"Are you... are you done, Anon?" she breathes, barely suppressing the hopefulness from her voice
>You can't torment the poor Princess like this anymore
>You nod, releasing your grip
>She all-too-happily retreats the afflicted hoof from within your reach.
>"Fun," she says, seeming to test the word in her mouth
>"Yes, Anon," she finally says, nodding, "That was certainly fun. Fun that I don't want to experience again any time soon."
>She waves at the door absently, staring at her notes blankly
>"Go away, Anon, I need to... I need to rest."
>Go away?
>GO AWAY?
>Suddenly, you found yourself deciding that her torture wasn't all that undesirable after all
>While she's distracted, you grab the other, as-yet-unpunished hoof
>"Anon what are y- NO."
>Her demeanor shifts into a state of all-too-much focus as she realizes what you're doing
>"Anon, I beg of you, no more! PLEASE!"
>Doesn't she realize that half the fun of tickling someone who can't break free is their useless pleading?
>You whistle as you slowly work off the slipper, bobbing your head to the tune
>She's shaking her head uncontrollably
>"No please Anon no please no more anything but that no please"
>She's lapsed into a barely-restrained hysteria, not even bothering with whole sentences anymore
>And you haven't even done anything yet
>The slipper falls free, and the 'tip' of the hoof wiggles
>On a real horse, it would have looked bizarre, but Equestrians have a distinctly different anatomy
>On her it looked little different from a human foot attempting to protect itself when no other guardian was present
>You slowly move your off-hand towards her hoof
>"Anon. Please. Don't do this. I'll give you anything you want, name it. Just please no more of this"
>"You know, Luna, your offer is quite appealing"
>You stop moving towards her, and look at her
>Her expression is overwhelmingly optimistic
>Unfortunately for her, crushing her hopes and dreams was half the fun for you
>"But on the other hand - hoof, whatever - I just find your laughter too goddamned cute"
>You return to your slow approach towards her hoof
>She groans, closing her eyes and tilting her head back
>"What did I do to deserve this?" she asks whatever unseen force passes for God in Equestria
>Despite yourself, you lean towards her, and she meets your gaze woefully
>"You asked me what humans do for fun," you say evilly with a villainous smirk, before returning to the work at hand
>>fin