[Not Guldo In Equestria]
 
>You are Guld-oh, uh, Anonymous
>Yes, Green, just like Anonymous.
>Three weeks ago you woke up in a strange land after a near death experience on foreign soil.
>You're still recovering, but at least you can walk around now.
>Which, of course, is absolutely fascinating.
>The creatures on this world, that is ponies, seem to be incapable of prolonged conflict.
>Any issues they have are wrapped up in the space of twenty-two minutes.
>Except for the occasional major forty-five minute problem.
>Beyond that, their lives are very simple.
>The world is quaint.
>It is quiet.
>It is...
>Well, boring.
>Which means that you have to do something to pass the time.
>Thankfully, while you're still recovering, you can still utilize your special talent.
>The one that none of the ponies know about.
>But for now, you'll lay low.
>Not draw attention to yourself.
>And answer Twilight Sparkle's questions.
>She has, of course, taken an interest in you simply because you're different.
>"Okay Anonymous."
>Her horn lights up and she begins to scribble on a piece of parchment.
>"Why don't you tell me about how you got here?"
>Fair enough.
"Well, I was engaged in righteous combat with a foul opponent."
>The pony's nose wrinkles up, but she continues writing.
"He was very clearly no match for me, but through use of trickery, he gained the upper hand."
>At this point, Twilight points her pen in your direction.
>"Now wait a moment, you said that he was no match for you, but you were tricked. Doesn't that make him smarter than you?"
>Your forehead creases every so slightly.
>What?
"No, no, I believe I'm much more intelligent than that buffoon."
>"But he still beat you, right?"
"With trickery."
>"So he outsmarted you?"
>Your lips settle into a narrow line.
>This conversation is clearly going nowhere.
>And Twilight is a jerk.
>No real reason to stay around here.
>So, you place your hands in your lap.
>And take a deep breath.
>Twilight leans forward expectantly.
>Then stays there.
 
>As a matter of fact, everything stays exactly where it was when you began holding your breath.
>That is, after all, your special talent.
>Time stop.
>Hopping up from your seat, you look to the door.
>You manage a half step before you have a better idea.
>Going back to Twilight, you pull the pen from the air and then press the tip of it against the slight sliver of tongue slipping out of her mouth.
>Rolling up the paper, you place it around her horn.
>For good measure, you pick up two of the books you had been sitting on and place them over her head.
>Maybe a good block to the head will keep her from asking stupid questions from now on.
>Satisfied with your work, and feeling your lungs beginning to cry out for air, you hustle over to the door and make your escape.
>Once outside, you wait a moment longer and then release your stored breath.
>Time begins to move.
>A terrified whinny erupts from within the library, followed by two loud thuds and a panicked cry of "TWILIGHT!" from a boyish voice.
>Well, whatever.
>Maybe there's someone else out there who's more worthy of your time.
>If not, you can continue to mess with ponies.
>That seems like a good way to pass the time.
 
 
[Phone Damage]
 
>Living in Equestria is hard.
>The beds are too small.
>The doorways are too small.
>The portions...
>Yeah, okay, everything's too small.
>Sure, ponies are nice and all, but it's really hard to enjoy yourself when everything is munchkin-sized.
>At least you can still call home.
"Hello Ma."
>She jabbers, Charlie Brown-style on the other end.
"No, they're still working out it.
>Wa, wa, wa.
"Yes, I trust Twilight."
>Wa wa?
"No Ma, they're not horses, they're ponies."
>Wa.
"Yes, there is a difference."
>That's when Twilight peeks around the corner and waves to you.
>It's time.
"All right Ma, I gotta go."
>Wa-wa-wa.
"No, no, I gotta go."
>Wa.
"Yup, love you too."
>Wawa?
"No, don't call me, I'll call you when I'm out."
>You place the phone on the table and march back to the newly created 'portal wing' of Twilight's Castle.
>Apparently your cellphone is a no-no.
>But it isn't like anyone's going to take it or anything.
>Ponies don't even have fingers.
>Silly ponies.
>Of course, after you come out several hours later and no closer to home than you were before, your phone is gone.
>Seriously.
>Who takes a phone when they have hooves?
>Well, expect Spike.
"Spike, you little shit!"
>The purple dragon perks up at the affectionate nickname.
"Did you take my phone?"
>"No way, Anon!"
"All right, cool. Did you see who did?"
>A shake of the head.
>"Afraid not. I'll keep an eye out though."
"Fine. Thanks you little shit."
>You wave at each other and you head out into Ponyville proper.
>If it wasn't the little shit, and you were with Twilight the whole time, that leaves only five major suspects with free range within the castle.
>You go for the most obvious one first.
>Standing under a cloud, you shout up at the sky
"Hey, airhead!"
>Rainbow Dash peeks over the edge of the fluffy expanse and grins.
>"Hey Anon!"
>She's red faced and panting.
>Must be hard clearing the skies all day every day.
>What a fuckin champ.
>You motion to her with a finger.
 
"C'mere for a minute."
>Quick as a flash, the rainbow streak sets her hooves on the ground and grins.
>"You finished with Twilight?"
"Yea, no luck on the portal though."
>Rainbow gently slugs your knee.
>"Aw, that's okay, I'm sure you'll figure it out soon."
"Yeah, that Twilight is one smart nerd. Anyway, you seen my phone? I need to call Ma."
>The color drains from Rainbow's face.
>Wow, she must be more tired than you thought.
>"Uh, phone? Wh-what's that?"
"I showed it to you last week, airhead. It's the little rectangular thing, buzzes from time to time."
>"Oh!"
>She grins.
>"That, uh, thing. No. Haven't seen it."
>Fak.
>You rub at the back of your head.
"Dangit, I'm sure you'd taken it."
>Rainbow's jaw drops.
>"ME? Why?"
"Cause you were practically drooling over it when I showed it to you."
>"Yeah, well that's no reason to accuse your friends, you jerk! Why, I've got half a mind t-"
>At once, Rainbow shivers.
>When she doesn't immediately spring back into her tirade, you lean down and frown at her.
"Hey, you sure everything's good, airhead?"
>"F-F-F-Fine."
>You frown, thoroughly unconvinced.
>And then you hear it.
>The faint, familiar sound.
https://youtu.be/RVC9b0K1Iis [Embed]
>Rainbow looks up at you, her eyes very nearly swallowing up her entire face.
>You listen for a moment then ask
"Airhead, did you eat my phone?"
>"...No?"
>You give a small nod and then lean in closer.
>Sure enough, it's not coming from her stomach.
>It's further back.
>You sigh and rub the back of your head.
"How many times has she called."
>"Like a dozen."
"You ponies got any rice?"
>"Rye what?"
>...Ma's going to kill you.
"Well, enjoy the ride while you can."
>"Y'mean it?"
"I'm sure as hell not gonna go fishin for it, if that's what you're asking."
>Sighing, you right yourself and put your hands in your pocket.
"Have fun, kiddo."
>She grins up at you.
>But as she takes to the air
"Hey, Airhead?"
>"Yeah Anon?"
"You're a real piece of shit."
>She grins and flies off.
>Fuckin ponies.