>Day At Least Harry Dresden Had Magical Powers. In Equestria.
>Sadly you're vanilla mortal.
>With a scorched up hand.
>And a busted up mug.
>You can still taste the tongue that was forced down your throat last night.
>Your bandaged hand smells unkindly of medical sterility and soup.
>Something is heavy and grinding up against your back.
>Gnawing on your hair.
>You slide out of bed and wipe a large glob of saliva off your shoulder.
>The small of your back is wet too.
>Well that's unpleasant.
>Fucking Fluttershy.
>She's laying in the bed, stretched out and grappling for covers after your warm form leaves the bed.
>She looks peaceful.
>She's drooling all over your pillow.
>And she's dripping a small puddle of...kindness.
>Out of her...yeah.
>You should probably do some laundry soon.
>Time for a shit, shower, and shave.
>You can still move your fingers on your boiled mitt.
>A dry shave.
>Feels good in the worst sort of ways.
>Shower. Cold shower.
>Hand's a throbbing numbness in a plastic bag outside the shower.
>Soap off the dried horse fluids from your back.
>Today you're going to help out the Cakes.
 
>Go to get dressed.
>Towel wrapped around you.
>Can't naked strut with someone in your bed.
>Fluttershy is wearing a pair of your boxers on her head.
>"..oh..hi Anon."
"Sorry I didn't have any briefs. They make better superhero masks."
>She blushes.
>"I-i-i...it wasn't anything...weird..."
>And all aboard the mumbletrain.
"Can I have those?"
>She stares at your towel.
>For about a minute.
>Give the people what they want.
>Or in this case, the pony.
>You flash her.
>She blushes.
>Towel back around the waist.
>Underpants are relinquished.
>You get dressed knowing full well she's checking you out.
"I uh, wanted to say thanks for last night."
>She's mumbling and trying to memorize every detail of your body.
"I get that you like me, and thanks for not making a move..."
>Your hand hurts. You're unconsciously rubbing the gauze.
"I've got to get to work today, but it uh..."
>Shit or get off the pot, bro.
>You go over and just give her a light hug.
>She's shocked and silent.
>But you can hear here trying to say something.
>Can't make out a goddamn word of it.
"Just, thanks."
 
>No time for breakfast.
>But you did have time for a thermos of coffee.
>It's almost 7:30 in the AM.
>Ponyville in winter at dawn.
>Beautiful really.
>Sort of like if you combined one of those New England Norman Rockwell Paintings with...uh...
>Those psychedelic children's folders girls used to have back when you were in grade school.
>With like the pink and yellow seals in space.
>That comparison was dead on arrival.
>But it still looks lovely.
>Wearing gloves today for more reasons than just the cold.
>Don't really want to have to explain to the Cakes about recent injuries.
>They're nice enough to stop you from working.
>Y'know, out of concern for you injuring yourself further.
>Do ponies do workman's compensation?
>Questions for another time.
>Head over to Sugar Cube Corner.
>Meet up with some delivery ponies and help unload some confectionery supplies.
>It hurts a little to lift with your hand. But you've had worse.
>Mr.Cake greets you in the basement, he's clearly been up for hours.
>And not in the good way.
>More in the father of two constantly crying babies way.
"Morning Mr.Cake."
>You offer him some coffee.
>He accepts it and it's that knowing sort of smile.
>"Morning Anon, you ready for today?"
 
>You nod and get to work.
>As much as you think doing some baking and uh...
>Is the term chocolatiering? Well, it's best to leave it to the professionals.
>You're taking stock and making sure the pipes are working.
>Windows aren't letting in moisture.
>Shovel the path. Clean the floors.
>Unclog the bathroom toilet.
>And shower.
>And sink.
>Pinkie needs to do something about her hair. It gets everywhere.
>The clock says it's only 9:00 in the AM.
>You're being exceptionally productive today.
>"Anonymous, are you ready?"
>Mrs. Cake calls to you from the shop proper.
>Rather than shout back, which would be unprofessional,
>You wipe your gloves off on your pants and go to her.
"Ready for what, 'mam?"
>Pinkie is leaning against the counter and...wow.
>Hawaiian shirt.
>Big goofy sunglasses.
>Long lollipop sticking out of her mouth.
>Flask of pop.
"Uh...Very...What?"
>No time for humor, you've got no fucking idea what's going on.
 
>"You agreed Anon!"
>Pinkie's voice can be...shrill at times.
>She pulls up her shirt to reveal an old style bulky tape recorder.
>She hits play.
>Pinkie's mile a minute machine gun joy voice.
>Followed by you.
>A: "I didn't catch any of that, but sure."
"...Did you hear the first part?"
>She rewinds it. And presses play and another button.
>Super slow-motion Pinkie sounds funny.
>P:"Anon-if-you-want-to-make-it-up-to-me-will-you-come-to-Manehatten-for-a-stand-up-routine-I-want-to-try-I-won't-do-it-around-here-because-it-might-not-be-great-yet.-I've-got-street-cred-to-maintain-bro."
>She fast-forwards. Your "But Sure" plays in a loop.
>She gives you a dark look.
"So I'm going to Manehatten?"
>She nods.
>You look at Mrs. Cake.
"You guys okay with me checking out early?"
>She nods.
>You look at Pinkie and crack your knuckles.
"Yeah, why not. If it's anything like Manhattan, maybe I'll enjoy myself."
>Pinkie laughs.
>"Man-hattan? Because you're a hu-Man?"
"Uh-"
>"That's just silly Anon."
>If this is anything like her comedy routine, shit'll be golden.
 
>You've never traveled by train.
>Pinkie thinks this is hilarious.
>She attempts to entertain you with tales of her exploits upon trains.
>Transporting a tree.
>Stopping superspies who wanted to ruin her cake.
>Going to the Royal Wedding.
>Going to perform in some big play.
>The stories aren't actually that fascinating.
>"Have YOU ever gone someplace cool, or interesting, or weird, or awesome, or fancy, or-or-or-uh--Anon!"
"What?"
>"What's another word that means cool or interesting or weird or awesome or fancy or-uhm."
"I dunno? Funky?"
>"Ooooh Funky~"
>She does some funky phresh dance moves.
>That arm wave thing. You used to dance like that as a kid.
>Dancing like you were out of a Pup Named Scooby Doo to terrible Disco tunes because you couldn't figure out how to change the tapes in the stereo system.
>You do a little dance as well.
>"See Anon, fun can be fun!"
"I never said I didn't like fun."
>"Yeah but you never said you LIKED Fun."
>She pauses and looks ponderously at you.
>"And really, you should LOVE Fun. FUN is GREAT!"
"I hear that a lot, I've been meaning to try it."
>She nudges you in the chest and grins.
>"You should do stand-up too!"
"That's not happening."
 
>It's awhile on the train. Two days.
>Pinkie runs out of interesting things to say on the end of the first day.
>The second day is the emergence of the boring Pinkie.
>She sighs a lot.
>Her hair poofs and depoofs.
>Much like the hair, Pinkie poofs and depoofs.
>Bipolar disorder is what we'd call this in the normal waking world.
>But this is ponyland.
"So...comedy?"
>The prospect of conversation has her smile wide and glowing with renewed vigor.
>"Ahuh-ahuh yep! I'm the Element of Laughter!"
"I sort of assumed the whole...Savior of the Kingdom thing would take up most of your time."
>She's sing-songy.
>"It's a hobby~. But!"
>Music seems to start up out of nowhere.
>Oh god, what fresh new hell is this?
>She's singing.
>There's nothing else going on here.
>This song will be stuck in your head for days.
>You put your hands together and squeeze your scorched hand tightly.
>As other ponies appear out of the woodwork, somehow knowing the lyrics and dancework you just smile.
>You're digging your thumb nail into the wound and twisting it.
>Everyone is dancing and happy and smiling.
>You're in pain.
>And this is getting you off a little.
>You remember when life was normal.
>That was too long ago.
 
>"Anon, why are you making that face?"
>You snap out of it.
>Your face feels tense.
>"Do you gotta poo?"
>You release yourself from the lesser of two evils option.
>Your hand is throbbing.
"What?"
>"Because the bathrooms on trains are really weird!"
>"They've got like plungers and you gotta push things otherwise it doesn't go down."
>"And there's this blue liquid thing--but don't taste it because BLEGH"
>She makes a face of disgust, her tongue lolling out of her mouth.
>She doesn't stick it back in her mouth immediately.
>"Eht thasthes thisthustin'."
>She sucks it back in her face and smiles.
>"So you should always read the instructions on the wall!"
"I'm fine. I was just...absorbing your melodious voice."
>"Ooooh~ I'm glad you liked it!"
>She laughs.
>"It looked like you were either in serious ouchie-baba-wawa-PAIN or you needed to poo!"
>"I guess that's just your concentration face, huh?"
"One of my many concentration faces."
>"Humans are so weird. I love it!"
"I'm glad you're entertained."
>"I wrote another verse if you wanna hear it!"
>She clears her throat and is about to begin.
"I'm going to go use the bathroom. Uh...you can start without me."
>"Okay-dokey-Anonymous-po-ponymous-fee-fi-fo-banana-ramma-fo-"
>You get up and make your way to the bathroom.
>You spend fifteen minutes reading all the labels on all the items, as well as the instructions.
>You didn't really have to pay attention when you used the bathroom last night.
>But anything to kill time.
>Fucking Pinkie Pie.
 
>Manehattan is awesome.
>You imagine the shithole that is Manhattan.
>And it is a shithole.
>Only place in the human reality where you ever got clotheslined by an old woman.
>Who called you a bitch.
>And who you called a wafflecunt in retort because you couldn't properly prepare for the surreality of the situation.
>Manehattan is like that but without all the terribleness.
>You and Pinkie arrived in the afternoon.
>You've got maybe thirty bits, so you hope food here is cheap and shitty like it is in your world.
>Y'know, provided you find the dive end restaurants.
>The really shady ones where the pizza might be a bit plastic.
>Pinkie however seems intent on dragging you along the more expensive looking streets.
>She's still looking like Raoul Drake.
>You sort of look like some chump who needs a winter coat.
>Manehattan is apparently a melting pot of cultures.
>Ponies, Zebras, some Dragons. Weird dog-things.
>You get a passing glance but nobody really stares.
>Pinkie shows you all the big fancy restaurants and clothing shops and high end stores.
>"Rarity had dresses on display when Sapphire Shores was doing the Zigfilly Follies."
>"Twilight doesn't know about this bookstore because I've never brought her here because I know she'd stay in there FOR-EVER, and then she wouldn't come back to Ponyville and be my friend and then she'd forget who I was and it'd be awful!"
>"Applejack wishes she could sell apples to this store but they think Apples grown anywhere but Outer Manehattan isn't good apples."
"Fascinating."
 
>Night Horseshoe Comedy Club. In Manehattan.
>You're nursing your second slice of very cheap pizza.
>Pinkie bought a whole pie.
>The backstage room is seedy and sketchy as all hell.
>But there's some charm to it. Reminds you of your dorm room in undergrad.
>Pinkie is putting on an ugly beige suit and combing her hair back.
>Over a gaudy rhinestone outfit that'd make Rarity die of embarrassment.
>Sort of looks like Gordon Gecko's retarded cousin.
>She's got a guitar case and is practicing talking in a dumb accent.
"So, this is a joke thing?"
>"It's more of a...a...Song and Dance act. I'm trying something new."
"So it's just like-"
>You put on your best Jerry Seinfeld.
"What's the deal with Shining Armor? He's not shining and he's naked half the time. What is UP with That?"
>Pinkie goes into a giggle fit before slicing her hoof in the air next to her throat.
>She calms the fuck down.
>"You can be really funny, Anon. But this is just...I want to explore something. So can you just sit in the audience and support me no matter what?"
>You get some cheese grease on your shirt collar and shrug.
"Well I'm not going to come all the way to Manehattan and be a jerk to you."
>She looks at you with a small smile and puts on a terrible accent.
>"Zankchu veddeh mutch."
>Stifle a laugh.
"Oh god, you're going to talk like that?"
>"Zhat eez zeh phlan."
"May your pagan pony overlords have mercy on your--"
>Not being a jerk, Anon.
"I'm going to enjoy this show."
 
>The Horseshoe Comedy Club has a a horseshoe shaped bar around a stage.
>A Zebra in an ugly ass suit and no tie is finishing up some comedy.
>Everyone is laughing and having a good time.
>You're sitting at the bar.
>"...I said make it all three! I'm not takin' any chances! Have a good night Manehattan!"
>The comic waves and exits, the crowd applauds.
>There's an awkward break in the entertainment.
>Pinkie suddenly appears on stage dragging her guitar case by the mouth.
>She looks at the audience and adjusts her tie.
>Everyone is just looking at this pony in a terrible suit.
>Some cough.
>The room hushes, unsure as to who she is or what is happening.
>"Now? Now?...."
>She taps the microphone and it gives feedback.
>She looks like she has serious stagefright.
>This is agony.
>She looks around.
>"Zankchu veddeh mutch. I am veddeh happeh to bhe here. I zink--zhiz is veddy boochiful plaze. But uhm...One zing I do nott zike iz ze too muach traffic."
>Awkward as fuck. What is she doing.
>"Tonight I had too kame fram, eh, and ze thrain, eet waz zo muach traffic. Eet took mhe hour end alf zo geet haer!"
>Pinkie chuckles, as if this was a punchline.
>You and everyone else in the crowd is baffled.
 
>Pinkie adjusts her tie and begins to sweat.
>She wipes sweat from her brow.
>"Rhight naow, I whood like zo do fir hyoo sam em-ee-tay-shuns. Zo first, is ze Hoity Toity."
>She clears her voice.
>And her voice remains just as broken and terrible and weird.
>"You iz...zat iz zee dress end get out zhow end...Hello, I em Hoity Toity, ze fay-mouse fay-shun dee-zign-ur."
>Ponies and zebras begin to boo. Some giggle.
>You look at her as though this is going to crush her.
>She wipes more sweat off her brow.
>"End naow...I whood like zo em-ee-tay-te ze faymous Fancy Footwork."
>Pinkie turns around, her back to the crowd and walks over to her guitar case.
>She looks over her shoulder and grins stupidly.
>She produces the tape recorder from the case, as well as a gaudy guitar.
>Dramatic music begins to play.
>She pops the collar of the jacket.
>Rips off the sleeves.
>Licks her hoof and runs some of her hair down the sides of her face into mock sideburns.
>Rips off the jacket.
>She looks like Elvis Presley...heh, Fancy Footwork.
>Weird universal constants.
>She picks up the guitar and her voice is now a perfect imitation of The King.
>Or at least his pony equivalent.
>She plays and sings and it's hilarious and great.
>The crowd loves it.
>It's unique, weird and new.
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gfq8tKSAYA )
 
>The show's a hit, albeit a little strange.
>You meet her backstage and she seems happy with the results.
>She strips down back to her usual nakedness and finishes off the cold pizza.
>"Was it funky?"
"Mad funky, Pinkie. I can see why you wanted to try it out somewhere else."
>"Not everyone gets my humor it's a certain jenny saint croix."
"Je nes se quois."
>"Yeah, her!"
"How do you guys know French without a France?"
>"Anon, I didn't know you could speak Prench."
"...We're dropping this conversation now."
>The rest of the night is spent wandering around lower Manehattan and enjoying the night culture.
>Which, given your budget, is not much of a cultured night.
>You head back to the train station with Pinkie Pie.
>It's very cold out at two in the morning.
>You both sit on a bench and wait for the train to arrive.
>It'll be about thirty minutes.
>"So you and Fluttershy totally -did- it."
>That's abrupt and weird.
>You begin laughing hysterically.
"What? No. Seriously, Pinkie?"
>Singy-songy voice Pinkie is taunty in tone.
>"I can smell~ her~."
"We slept in the same bed."
>You run your hands over your face.
>It doesn't hurt your nose for once.
"It's complicated."
>"She likes~ you~."
>Yeah, she does. But how do you feel?
>You could take it or leave it.
>And that's not the appropriate emotional response Pinkie or Fluttershy wants to hear.
 
>"You guys should date!"
>This is a great conversation to be having in the middle of the night waiting to catch a train.
>"Oh...Rainbow Dash likes you too right?"
>You haven't been able to work for two days on a train.
>"You guys could DOUBLE DATE!"
>You came here for one evening on a favor for Pinkie to patch things up.
>You'll be another two days out of work on the ride back.
>With your recent trend of being bad at keeping up jobs, finding work might be harder.
>Though the Cakes have to understand. They let you go.
>"That's what double dating means, right?"
>Worry about it when you get back to Ponyville.
>Tonight was fun.
>No bodily harm.
>Or tongues getting forced down your throat.
>Pinkie likes you again.
>"Anon are you even listening to me?!"
"Pinkie, I get what you're saying but..."
>You're still in the hole, even if you can't admit it.
"Listen, I'm in a bad place in life right now."
>Down, down, down in the hole.
"Money is tight, I've gotten hurt a bit lately."
>You'll be safe when the thunder starts to roll.
"Had some...legal/royal issues."
>Because you're still down.
"And no Pinkie, I'm not. For the record."
"Fucking Fluttershy