>>571455
>IF ONLY I WRITE GOOD IN ENGLISH. THEN I MAKE STORY OF PARTY WITH VODKA HOOVE
 
If a man's gonna throw a bro a party a man's got to have a pad. Anon usually builds a little shack or whatever outside Ponyville but that is not how Strelnikov rolls.
 
EQUESTRIA, PREPARE YOUR ANUS
 
PLACE: Royal Palace, Canterlot
TIME: Ten minutes ago
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    >A fiery blast and shower of splintered wood precedes a bloodied diamond dog into the Canterlot throne room.
    >His robes are torn, his walk is a stagger and one arm hangs useless, but his expression is triumphant.
    >Celestia stands before the throne, Luna at her side
    >"Surrender, wizard. Do you think you can defeat us alone? The others have been captured. Your coup has failed."
    >He gives the encroaching guards pause by reaching into a pocket and holding aloft a small crystal sphere.
    >"Oh no your *majesty*," he says, making the word a sneer.
    >"We only needed to get within your protective wards so that we could unleash our master."
    >He dashes the sphere onto the stone floor, producing a flash and a cloud of smoke
    >"Behold the coming of ...DISCORD!!"
    >dramatic pause as the cloud clears
    KAFF KAFF KAFF COUGH
    WHY SMOKE? WHERE IS CITY? WHY ROOM FILLED WITH HORSE?
    >"You...you're not Discord."
    >an enormous hand seizes the mage by his hood and raises him to eye level
    TALKING DOGGY, YOU GIVE ANSWER
    >Celestia flustered at being ignored
    >stamps hooves to get peoples' attention
    >"Large one, I demand to know the meaning of your presence."
    NAME IS STRELNIKOV, NOT 'LARGE ONE'
    >"That does not answer my question."
    LATER, I TALKING TO DOGGY
    >AngryCelestia.jpg
    >"You will tell me who you are and what you are doing here immediately!"
    >Strelnikov turns toward throne for the first time
    >spots Luna
    >eyebrow raise
    MAYBE WHITE HORSE ACTS BITCH BECAUSE BLUE ONE IS PRETTIER
    >"Wh- what? How dare you!"
    >brief glare at blushing Luna
    >horn swings down
    >"You're going back where you came from."
 
    >magic spears out and is intercepted halfway by a flung wizard
    >ZAP! - *poof*
    >a baffled yorkie pops out of nowhere over a street in St Petersburg and bounces off the pavement
    >re-aiming horn for a second shot
    >guards try to hold the massive human still
    >he seizes the largest of them and effortlessly flings him into the path of the beam
    >ZAP! - *poof*
    >St. Petersburg, a horse appears out of thin air and lands on the hood of a Volga, upending it and sending it careening into the opposite lane
    >Strelnikov starts running around the throne room tossing guards into the path of teleport bolts and laughing maniacally
    >Celestia's anger building
    >can't get a bead on him without banishing a guard
    >"Get out of my palace!!"
    HAHAHA I AM SWIFT LIKE RUSSIAN LIGHTNING
    > ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof*
    >St Petersburg, a deluge of horses starts raining out of the sky
    >pile-ups, screaming, sirens, animals running everywhere
    >absolute fucking pandemonium
    >Strelnikov throws an iron cauldron at Celestia between shots
    >perfect ringer
    >she tries to blast the pot off her horn
    >blasts the bottom off instead
    >pot slides down covering her head completely
    >blindly trips over the throne and lands backside up
    >Strelnikov jukes guards, heads straight for her
    >kicks her square in the gooch sending her ass-over-teakettle
    IS MOST ACTION YOU WILL GET NEAR HOT SISTER, HAH
    >he takes off down a hallway around the corner from the throne
    >guards running in circles
    >Celestia on her side comically trying to push the pot off of her head with all 4 hooves
    >Strelnikov's endless bellowing growing less distinct as he recedes down the hall
    >Luna just watching it all, stunned into catatonia
 
    >three guards manage to remove the cauldron with an audible *fop*
    >the princess gets her footing and throws them aside
    >face twisted in full-on Disney Queen rage
    >sounds of the human returning echo from the hall
    >Celestia surrounded by a nimbus of fire, eyes glowing red, horn throwing jags of flame like a tesla coil
    >"GET. OUT. NOW!!!"
    >crimson power erupts and surges toward the corner
    >Strelnikov rolls out on a hand cart clutching the back of a full-length mirror
    >*BWONNNNNG*
    >the bolt reflects off the mirror and hits Celestia
    >ZAP! - *poof*
    >empty tiara clatters to the ground
    >Strelnikov throws the mirror aside
    I HAVE VANQUISHED PRINCESS. NOW I AM PRINCESS!
    wait, is not right...
    oh yes - king!
    NOW I AM KING!
    >he pulls a blanket off the cart's lower shelf
    >pile-o-booze.jpg
    >grabs a handle of vodka and runs toward Luna
    >huge arm wraps around her making her squeak
    >other hand pops cork off the glass bottle by squeezing it
    >shoves it in her mouth so far she starts gulping involuntarily
    PLAY CARDS RIGHT AND MIGHT BE QUEEN
    LIKE PRINCE ENGLAND CHARLES I DO NOT MIND THE HORSEY FACE
    >his recent majesty leaps toward the center of the room and raises his fists to the ceiling
    AND NOW, CELEBRATION!
    >silence
    >annoyed, grabs rope tied to the cart
    >five trussed guards tumble into view, each tied to a different musical instrument
    AND NOW, CELEBRATION!
    >Russian folk music fills the air
    >Strelnikov laughs and starts cossack dancing
    >rest of the guards see which way the wind is blowing and join in as chorus or in the dancing line
    >throne room is filled with dancing stallions, baritone harmony and a dazed and still gulping Luna who is starting to sway
    LONG LIVE TO ME!
 
    >long live the king
 
    >Long Live The King!
 
    >LONG LIVE THE KING!
 
 
PLACE: Russia, Earth
TIME: Right now
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    >ZAP! *poof*
    >St. Petersburg, a radiant alicorn appears
    >catches motion in the corner of her eye
    >flies 12 feet up narrowly avoiding a bus
    >oh, a technological realm
    >wrinkles her nose
    >a filthy one
    >notices the bedlam caused by her missed deportation attempts
    >whoops
    >flies higher and hovers, shining with bright golden light
    >reverses all damage to people, cars and property
    >restores guards' minds and sends them home
    >notices rapidly growing crowd below staring at her in awe
    >closes her eyes and reaches out to discover what manner of race could have birthed that...
    >(loneliness-despair-war-drought-murder)
    -oh-
    >(hate-suicide-pollution-terror-pain-famine)
    -no-
    >tears fall and blossom into chamomile flowers on the frozen ground
    >multitudes silently watch as she hangs motionless in the air
    >eyes open
    "I'm staying."
    >rockets up 5000 feet
    >wings open to their fullest, smog and cloud cover roll away exposing the Sun
    >benevolent pastel luminescence envelops the entire city
    >awakens idea of harmony in all who see it
    >flutterwonder x 4.8 million souls
    >light spreads to every corner of the country
    >oligarchs step down and beg forgiveness
    >Celestia declared to be Tsarina
    >joyous united Russian people reclaim prominence on world stage
    >rival nations become jealous
    >nukes don't work
    >peace and harmony spreading everywhere
    >Pax Russica Aeternum
    >aliens decide we're finally worth visiting
    >are offered pizza with mayonnaise and cold borscht
    >they change their minds and leave
    >PinkieShrug.png