Disclaimer: This is really terrible and nothing good could ever come of reading it. Proceed with caution.
 
 
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>The front door slowly creaks open, revealing the darkened living room beyond.
“Derpy, are you here? The letter I found crammed into my toaster told me to come by.”
>A voice calls from deeper in the house.
>“Come on in!”
>Tentatively, you step inside, and seek out the source of the call.
>There's a hallway to the left, one door cracked.
>A dim light flickers through.
“Derpy?”
>“In here...”
>You gently push the door open.
>Candles litter nearly every surface, giving what you now see is the bedroom an oddly romantic glimmer.
>The whole room smelled of blueberries... or maybe banana nut. Cranberry?
>There, in the center of the room lay the grey and blond pegasus, on a large four-poster bed.
>Almost every square-inch of the bed not occupied by the wall-eyed pony was obscured by muffins of every imaginable type.
>She looks at you with at least one eye, her half-lidded gaze leaving only one of the amber irises visible.
>She raises a hoof, and beckons you inside.
>Stunned at the sight, you find yourself unconsciously moving closer.
>Were you really doing this? Like, you liked the bubble-marked ditz, yeah, but more of a friend than anything.
>But then again, the growing tightness in your pants seemed to say otherwise.
>Before you could stop to think, you were already on the bed, knocking a few muffins to the floor.
>You crawl over to your prize, neither party breaking (half) eye contact.
“Derpy...”
>She puts a hoof over your lips, shushing you.
 >“No words now, only muffins.”
>She holds up a muffin with her other hoof, and places it in her mouth.
>Gently biting down, she only holds it there, waiting.
>You pick up and approach, biting down on the other side.
>Ooh, chocolate chip.
>Attacking your shirt with one hand, you start to work her body with the other, rubbing and massaging wherever you could.
>A low moan signified things were going smoothly.
>Both of you bite down further, severing the baked treat from your grasps and letting it roll down her body and off to the side.
>Still chewing, you both move closer to join the crumbly particles together once more in a somewhat messy kiss.
>Unbeknownst to you or anyone else until now, you were apparently some kind of one-handed clothes ninja, because you were already down to just your boxers.
>Breaking off the kiss, you both swallow, uncaring of who's mouth each bite started in.
>You move your hands lower, and lower, nearing the fabled Valley of Derp.
>A grey hoof shoots down and stops your arm at the gates.
>“Wait... use this.”
>She holds up another one of the muffins.
>You stare blankly at it for a moment.
“...Seriously?”
>Her unchanging expression answers.
>With a shrug, you take the  freshly-made creation and begin tracing along her slit with the lightly glazed top.
>This elicits a much greater moan of pleasure.
>The gates start to open in anticipation.
>Before you can move the muffin away and get to the real fun, her hoof again stops you.
>“...Deeper...”
>You're a bit hesitant to continue at this point, but her controlling grasp decides for you, pushing your hand forwards and lodging the crumbling pastry inside of her.
>“Nghff... oh yes...”
>Deeper she pushes, until only the edge of the ruffled cup is sticking out.
“Uh...”
>You move your hand away, and she simply grabs the muffin directly, getting to work herself.
>“Oh... oh muffin...”
“The fuck are you doing?”
>You kind of sit there for a minute, now obviously completely forgotten.
>The blond pegasus seems to be lost in her own world, one where only she and the muffin exist.
“Umm... I'm just... I'm gonna go.”
>You forlornly pick up your clothes and walk out of the house, not even bothering to put them on.
>Cock-blocked by a fucking muffin. What the hell.
>You can hardly believe this wasn't even the first time this has happened.
>Fucking Applejack and her apple fetish.
>You're starting to wonder if you're going to have to fuck food yourself if you have any hope of scoring in this crazy world.
 
>Man, ponies are weird.