>…
“GAH!”
>You jolt upright in bed in a cold sweat, panting. God, that was a fright you could have done without.
>“Wha... huh?”
>Your admittedly girlie scream has also woken up Twilight and Spike, who are staring bleary eyed at you from their own beds.
>“Anon? Wh-” The unicorn yawns, “What's wrong?”
>You grip your head in an effort to will away the memories.
“Ergh... It's nothing. Bad dream.” You grunt.
>She yawns again, “What time is it?”
>You look out of the window. All you can see is a dark blue smudge beyond the pane of glass.
“Before sunrise.” You estimate.
>The unicorn and the dragon groan in unison.
>“Try not to have another nightmare.” She mumbles, falling back onto her pillow.
>“If you do, try and be a bit quieter about it.” Spike adds, wriggling back under his covers.
>Thanks for the sympathy.
>You lie back down and stare upwards at the ceiling. It's been a while since you had a dream where you ended up dying at the end, though they never were as surreal as the one you just had. Falling, being buried alive or tidal waves were usually your killers, not a psychotic lagomorph armed with an improvised spear made from a mythological monster that you killed. You're sure some psychiatrist would explain it as your subconscious relaying its disappointment with your life or some such nonsense.
>Closing your eyes, you attempt to fall back asleep.
 
>A few hours later, you get out of bed. No matter how much you tried, you couldn't drift off again. Spike snoring loud enough to wake the dead two continents away didn't help either. Neither did the sunlight falling directly onto your face. You knew the Sun didn't rise where the window was so something outside had to have been reflecting its light directly onto your retinas.
>After getting washed and dressed, you head to the kitchen for breakfast. Twilight and Spike are already there sitting at the table. The unicorn has a plate full of hay she's making her way through while your diminutive scaly buddy is eating some gemstones, rubies by the look of it.
>You set about making the same breakfast you've had every morning while staying with Twilight: a bowl of oats with mixed berries thrown in to sweeten it up and give the grain some colour.
>Sitting opposite your two house mates, you raise a spoonful of the mixture to your mouth.
>You pause.
>Dropping the spoon into the bowl, you grab your head and yell at the top of your lungs.
>“What's wrong?” Twilight asks, concerned at your sudden outburst.
“I can't deal with it any more!” You complain, “I thought I could but I can't!”
>“Deal with what?”
“I can't. You'd hate me for it.”
>“Why would we? It's okay Anon, we're your friends.” Spike reassures.
You sigh, “Fine. You ready for this?”
>They both nod.
“I eat meat.” You confess, “I thought I could ignore what my body wants but I can't.”
 
>Both of their faces are frozen in shock, which soon morphs into worry.
>“A-anon, are you sure you-” She gulps, “You don't really... You eat meat?”
>You flash her a glimpse of your canines.
“You don't get teeth like this without needing to tear flesh off a bone.”
>Standing up, you pace around the kitchen.
“I was an idiot to think it would be so easy, just snap of my fingers and like that I'd never want meat again. Damn it, I really could do with some bacon right now.”
>You rest against the wall and bang your head against it a couple of times.
>“So... Anon.” Twilight gets up from her cushion, “Is there anything... in particular you... eat?”
“For starters, nothing that I can hold a conversation with, so you can stop edging towards the door.”
>The unicorn nervously laughs before moving back to the table.
>“Anything else?” She asks once she sits back down.
>How did Vincent Vega put it? Ah, that's right.
“I don't eat anything with character either. That goes for anything that might be considered a pet, animals I like or things that are simply inedible or poisonous.”
>Twilight visibly relaxes at your words, “So I won't have to write a letter to Celestia saying that there's a possibility you're a new form of Parasprite?”
“A what?”
>“These bug things that nearly ate the entire town.” Spike answers, “If it weren't for Pinkie, we wouldn't be sitting here right now.”
“Right. Anyway, neither of you are going to wake up one day and find all your legs missing.”
 
>The three of you continue your breakfast, though you do so reluctantly. As you shovel the chunky sludge into your maw, Spike regales you with tales about the adventures he and the p0nies went on before your arrival in a valiant effort to improve the heavy atmosphere. He goes into detail about the aforementioned voracious insects that nearly devoured P0nyville, if it wasn't for the quick thinking of Pinkie Pie and a collection of instruments that she fashioned into a one-p0ny-band, before moving onto a rescue operation that involved Rarity and a bunch of brigands with a penchant for shiny things.
>“Once we left the caves like they wanted us to, I had to eat a whole cart load of gems because Rarity couldn't keep them all!” He concludes.
>You smirk at his clearly overblown story. The way he tells it, the dragon had to fight off hordes of avaricious knuckle-dragging canines single-handedly, winning the amount of gratitude from Rarity one might expect a chivalrous knight to receive from a princess who'd been locked in a dungeon for half of her life. Twilight's expression of amused disbelief confirms your suspicions somewhat.
>Once everyone finishes, you collect all the dishes and offer to wash up.
>“No need Anon, I'm the best dishwasher in all of Equestria!” Spike boasts.
>You're about to protest before Twilight taps you on the back. Turning to face her, she shakes her head before leaving the kitchen.
“Have fun little guy.” You say to him before leaving yourself.
 
>You join Twilight in the library. Despite being apart for no longer than five minutes, she already has a pile books taller than she is by her desk. As you walk past her, you catch a glimpse of the title of the one she's reading: Caring For Carnivores.
“Omnivore, Twilight.” You sigh, “As in I'll eat anything, provided it doesn't kill me.”
>“Or talk.” She adds.
>You scrunch up your face in irritation, which she sticks her tongue out at in response. Heading over to a bookcase, you run a finger over the spines until you stop on 'Daring Do and The Quest for The Infernal Diadem of...' some place you can't pronounce. Despite the magical translation program in your head, the closest the p0ny-glyphs allow you to get is 'Hot Rocky Place with Many Sharp Toothed Beasts.' The spell Celestia used on you must only function properly with pure p0ny words. Anything foreign, take your name for example, and it's like Google translating English into Swahili, then Tamil and back into English. In short, poorly. You had asked Twilight for a dictionary to help with pronunciation but she refused, saying she only had one and it was permanently needed by her for her studies.
>The biggest pile of shit you've ever heard incidentally, surpassing even that bus driver a few months ago who wouldn't let you on his bus with your groceries because he said there wasn't enough room to put all your bags somewhere safe, despite there being rows of empty seats.
 
>You quickly find where you had last stopped reading, thanks in part to a scrap piece of paper you stealthily stuck in when Twilight wasn't looking. After re-reading the last page to refresh your memory, you pick up from where the titular heroine was thoroughly absorbed with trying to decipher an ancient puzzle that would reveal a clue leading to the next one. Considering you're only a eighth of the way through the book, you hope this isn't how the rest of it is going to play out.
>Despite the Chinese Whispers interpretation of some words, the novel so far is very enjoyable to read. You get a strong Indiana Jones vibe from it. In fact, you'd even go so far and say it could rival The Fate of Atlantis if it was rendered as a point and click game.
>As you're about to turn the page, a gentle knock on the door distracts you.
>“Could you get that Anon? I'm a little busy right now.” Twilight calls out from her desk.
>Grumbling, you replace the bookmark and get up from off the floor. You fumble with the handle for a second before opening it, revealing Fluttershy who flinches at the sight of you. In her mouth is a wicker basket with a red-and-white chequered cloth on top, which she drops so she can speak.
>Not having hands must suck.
>“Oh! Um... Good morning Anon.” She says, her greeting competing in volume with a chirping blackbird in a tree twenty metres away.
“Good morning. Do you want to see Twilight?”
>“No actually... I-I'm here to see you.”
>This is a surprise.
 
“Well here I am.” You say, crossing your arms, “What can I do for you?”
>“Oh. Well, you see... Well, I was wondering if you'd like to go for a picnic?”
>That's different.
“Why?”
>“Do you remember my little Angel?”
>The name does sound familiar. Where have you heard it before?
“Remind me.” You implore.
>“You've already met him. A cute white ball of fluff, the most adorable scamp you've ever seen?”
>You scour your memories back to the time you went to Fluttershy's cottage. You envisage her front door opening. As you do, last night's dream comes back to haunt you.
“Oh. Him.” You answer, indifferent at her description of the cantankerous rabbit.
>The pegasus looks delighted, “You do remember? That's good.”
“What's the deal with Angel then?”
>“For the last few days, he's been... helpful.” She begins, “I haven't had to make him to eat his carrots or tell him to behave when playing with the other animals or anything. It's like he's a whole new bunny!”
>Glad to hear he's taking your instructions to heart.
“Let me guess. You confronted him about his personality shift and I'm the reason why?”
>“Yes, that's it exactly! Anon, I don't know how you did it but I'm really happy that you did.”
>Probably being naked whilst caked in rancid Hydra meat and holding a sharp axe had something to do with it.
“Glad to help out Fluttershy.”
>“Anyway, I couldn't let your good deed go unrewarded. I was wondering, if you're not busy...”
>You crack a smile, “I'm never too busy for free food.”
 
>There's a crash in the background as Twilight knocks over her pile of books, followed by the rapid clopping of her hooves on the wooden floor.
>“Fluttershy! Wait!” She screams.
>The unicorn jumps between you and the pegasus, adopting a defensive stance.
“Can we help you?” You ask, frowning at her.
>She turns to face her friend, “Fluttershy, there's something important you need to know about Anon.”
>“Really?”
>“Yes really. I couldn't call myself your friend if I didn't and let you go off alone with him.”
“Twilight. Seriously. What the Hell?”
>“She has to know Anon.”
“Why? I already told you: All of you guys are off the menu.”
>“What's he talking about?” The pegasus inquires.
>“Fluttershy. I don't know how to put this lightly so I'll just tell you. Anon... He's a carni-”
>You cough emphatically.
>“...What I meant to say,” She resumes after getting the message, “Fluttershy, Anon is an omnivore. He eats anything, including other animals.”
>You dislike the way she throws you into that category, as if eating meat automatically makes you inferior.
>Fluttershy's eyes dart between you and the unicorn, who's desperately awaiting a response.
>“Is that it?” She murmurs.
>You're just as shocked as Twilight is.
“You mean you already knew?”
>The pegasus nods and gives you a smile warm enough to melt Siberian permafrost, “Big teeth means a big appetite.”
“And you're okay with that?”
>She nods, “Ferrets, weasels, badgers and bears don't bother me. Neither do you.”
 
>Looks like Fluttershy is getting into your good books.
>“Can he come out Twilight? I promise I'll bring him back before sundown.”
>Twilight is still standing there, mouth agape, completely unaware of the puppy dog eyes Fluttershy is giving her.
>“Wuh... Ah...” She mumbles.
>You snap your fingers by one of her ears to bring her back to reality.
“Come on mum.” You say mockingly, “I want to go outside and play.”
>The unicorn shoots you a dirty look before sighing.
>“Fine, it's not like you were doing anything important anyway. He's all yours Fluttershy.”
>The pegasus squeals in joy, “Oh thank you Twilight! Come on Anon, let's go.”
“Sure, let me just get my boots.”
>As you go up the stairs to the bedroom, Spike comes out of the door at the top.
“You finished that all washing up quickly.” You say.
>“I told you I was really good at it.” The dragon replies proudly, waving his somehow pruny claws at you, “What's up Anon?”
“Not much, Fluttershy just invited me to go on a picnic with her. I'm just getting my shoes.”
>“A picnic? Can I come?”
>“Not until we've taken inventory of the library.” Twilight calls up from the lower level.
>Spike groans, “But we just did that yesterday!”
>“Never hurts to check again. Now come on.”
>Your little friend mutters to himself as he walks down the steps. Poor guy. You know that he must find some enjoyment in the work, otherwise he should be complaining more about how he's still doing all the jobs Celestia ordered Twilight to do.
 
>A few minutes later, you return with your boots, backpack and axe. No sense in leaving them behind.
“Okay, lets go.”
>Before leaving, you toss Spike the DS which he happily takes.
>“Thanks Anon!” He shouts to you as you and Fluttershy walk off.
>As the two of your stroll through P0nyville, you bump into a few familiar faces from last night's party, saying hello to each of them.
>Pinkie Pie immediately comes to mind. The longer she stews in her depressed attitude from yesterday, the harder it's going to be to fix things between the two of you. You make a note to try and find her at some point in the near future.
>Eventually, the pair of you find yourselves at the town's park, though it's safer to say it's where the settlement's boundary ends and the countryside begins.
>Wandering past a bunch of fillies playing a game with a beach ball, you and Fluttershy find a large tree.
“This looks good.” You express and flop down in the shade.
>If someone looked in the dictionary for the definition of 'comfortable,' all there would be is a picture of you enjoying the cool breeze and the babbling of the nearby stream.
>Then if that someone turned onwards to the definition for 'irritated,' there would be a picture of you getting hit in the face by the ball belonging to the aforementioned young p0nies.
>“Oh my! You aren't hurt, are you Anon?”
>Keeping your cool, you pick up the ball and throw it back to the kids.
“I'm fine. Let's go somewhere else.”
 
>There are plenty of other trees to lounge under but once you inspect them, you find they have something wrong with them.
>This one already has a p0ny couple occupying it and you don't feel like intruding on their personal (and possibly intimate) space.
>This one hardly has any branches, letting too much sunlight through.
>This one has its roots poking through the soil, making it impossible to get comfortable.
>This one seems to be used as a urinating post for dogs owned by p0nies.
>Well this is just great.
>You finally do find a suitable tree to park yourself next to. You're farther away from town than you'd like to be, but if some nasty creature did decide to pounce on you and your pegasus companion, P0nyville is within sprinting distance, even for someone in your shape.
>“Ish thish guud?” Fluttershy asks with the basket still in her mouth.
You pat on the ground next to you, “Absolutely fine.”
>The pegasus happily lies down next to you. You, on the other hand, are having a hard time finding a good position to get comfortable in. Damn clay soil. As you wiggle about trying to create a channel for your body to rest in, Fluttershy begins unpacking the basket. A couple of cups and a Thermos of all things come out. She opens the flask, without hands as always, and pours out something hot. By the smell of it, it's peppermint tea. A number of confectioneries are also placed onto some plates.
>You don't like peppermint tea.
 
>“Drink up Anon.” She meekly insists.
>Not wanting to be rude, you take a cup of tea and add some sugar. It bears repeating that you've never been a fan of the drink: the last time you had some, it was like drinking ten packs of breath mints dissolved into a thimble's worth of hot water.
>You gingerly take a sip.
>Fluttershy's take on the beverage is surprisingly good, it having enough flavour for you to enjoy while not destroying your sense of taste after your first mouthful.
>“Do you like it?” The pegasus shyly asks.
>You nod.
>She chortles merrily and drinks from her own cup. Taking a biscuit, a ginger nut to be precise, you chew down on it. A wave of nostalgia hits you, taking you back about ten years when you went on a similar picnic whilst on holiday with your family. You remember meeting Say Moon Nu, a backpacker from China also on holiday with her family. To say the two of you got on well would have been an understatement.
>You still hate yourself for not getting her phone number or email address before she went back home.
>“So how are you Anon?”
>You break out of your reminiscing and look at your companion.
“Not too bad, thanks for asking. Just trying to keep myself from dying of boredom is a task in itself. What about yourself? Have things calmed down back at your place?”
>“Oh yes. I have to say I'm really grateful for what you did.”
“Don't mention it. You ever need need me to bury another Hydra, you know who to call.”
 
>The two of you continue conversing. Fluttershy, in particular, goes into great detail over the routine she regularly performs when looking after the animals in her care.
>“And after I finish feeding the gerbils their breakfast,” She continues, “I take the hamsters out and take them for their daily run.”
>You hum in acknowledgement to let her know you're still listening. You've already lost track of her chatting twice already. The first was when she was detailing how to get ducks and geese to behave properly when it came to feeding time. The other was related to the art of making a bunch of rabbits agree to not dig up their living space in an effort to escape. Angel is excluded from these lectures as he apparently has his own separate pen and the amount of preferential treatment he gets from Fluttershy would make him a moron of the biggest degree if he ever decided to run away.
>“...the amount of energy they have is just incredible. What's next... Oh that's right, choir practice for my birds. First of all, I get... Um, Anon?”
“What?”
>You look at her. She raises a hoof and points at your shoulder.
>Looking over, you see the biggest spider you've ever seen curled up on your shoulder with all eight of its black eyes pointed at you.
>You scream at a volume and pitch that could shatter bullet-proof glass. Throwing your third cup of tea into the air and sending a chocolate digestive flying, you scramble to your feet and swipe at the arachnid on your shoulder.
 
>Hyperventilating, you look on the ground for your unwanted hitch-hiker.
>The spider is on its back on the grass, trying to right itself.
>You raise your boot high, ready to bring it down like only Monty Python could.
>All too easy.
>Not easy enough as the spider gets back on its legs and at the last second, avoids becoming a thin brown paste on the sole of your shoe.
“Wuh? Oh no you don't!”
>You lift your foot again and slam it back down. Again, the spider jumps out of the way.
>“Anon!” Fluttershy says, completely astounded, “What are you doing?”
“Getting even.” You disclose.
>You turn back to the task at hand. That brief distraction was enough time for you to lose the spider.
“Damn it.”
>You scan the ground for any sign of the arachnid.
>There's a thick patch of grass three feet away. Not particularly interesting, save for the spindly legs poking out from it.
“I see you!” You bellow.
>Maybe you shouldn't have said anything: the spider darts out from its hiding place and is sprinting desperately for the tree.
>It zigzags randomly, making each footfall miss its target. Once it reaches the the truck of the tree, it hurriedly climbs up it before disappearing into a notch in the bark about at eye-level.
>You peer into the hole. The spider is there, cornered.
>Time to end this.
>You grab your axe and flip it around so that the hilt is facing up instead of the blade.
>Time to fit a round peg into a round hole.
 
>“STOP!”
>Pushing past you, Fluttershy positions herself between the hickory of your axe and the helpless spider, shielding it against your judgement.
>No doubt about it, she's royally pissed.
>“Get back now!” She shouts defiantly.
>You aren't arguing with that. You retreat a couple of steps.
>Turning around, she taps on the tree. A second later, the spider emerge from the hole, probably wondering why it isn't catching flies in heaven. Fluttershy raises a hoof up and waits. It recoils at first but the arachnid eventually clambers on. Her nurturing instincts taking over, the pegasus begins talking to the spider in babbling baby talk before giving you a piercing gaze.
>“Look what you've done!”
>She raises her hoof up so you can get a clearer look at the spider... it's trembling. It's also covering its face with its front legs.
>“Shh shh little girl, it's all right.” She whispers to it after lowering her hoof, “The big scary human can't hurt you, not while I'm here.”
>Were you about to commit murder just now? The fact that Fluttershy's treating it as if it were a person isn't helping. To be fair, Angel has never uttered a single syllable but that bunny's smarter than some people you knew from back home.
>She looks back up at you, eyes narrowed, “Anon, apologise to her!”
>Here you are, a grown man, about to make peace with something you routinely crushed back home. You can't help it if spiders freak you out. That's the thing about irrational fears: they're irrational.
 
>Squatting down to get on the spider's level, you notice each of its eight eyes has a set of fine eyelashes. That must be why Fluttershy was so confident in announcing the spider as a girl. It's looking right at you, still trembling slightly.
“Hey. Can you understand me?” You ask the spider.
>It... She nervously does a 360-degree clockwise spin. You're guessing that's a yes.
“This is weird.” You mutter under your breath, “Okay. I'm sorry I tried to kill you.”
>Fluttershy is still staring daggers at you.
“I'm really sorry I tried to kill you. Repeatedly.”
>You look back at the pegasus. She's eased up a little.
“Okay look, you being on my shoulder like that just freaked me out. I frighten easy. You understand right?”
>She spins some more.
“Cool. So... let's forget about what just happened and get on with what we were doing before all this happened. Is that okay?”
>The spider stamps her legs on Fluttershy's hoof.
>“What's that girl?”
>The spider begins waving her legs wildly, occasionally stopping to stamp around some more and point at you a few times.
>“Oh! I see. Um... Anon?”
“Yeah?”
>“Can you... hold out you hand? I mean... if you want to...”
>You do as you're asked. Before you can ask why, Fluttershy quickly moves her hoof next to your hand, allowing the spider to jump onto it.
>Locomotion.exe has stopped working.
Brain! Status report!
>Hey there dude, can't come to your aid right now. Leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
>BEEP.
 
>You've completely locked up. You can feel the pricks as each of the spider's legs move across your skin. Not exactly the best time to go down Memory Lane but this takes you back to a lesson in Resistant Materials when a box of sawdust was dumped on you by the class retard. He got his comeuppance in the end when you and your friends emptied a litre bottle of PVA glue into his bag.
>Why that came to mind, you haven't got a clue. You guess the spider's legs feel like the sawdust did.
>...
>Returning to the here and now, there's still a massive spider crawling up your arm and you're absolutely terrified.
“F-f-f-f-f-lur-lur...”
>Your stuttering goes unheeded by the pegasus, who's more enamoured with the spider ascending up your body.
>Oh God, it's gone up the sleeve of your t-shirt. The cotton's doing nothing to impede it!
>You can feel it wriggling past your shoulder. It's going to come out the top and climb up your neck. It's going for your external carotid artery, that has to be it. The friendly act with Fluttershy was all a ploy! It's going to suck the life out of your like some kind Hellish miniature vampire!
Brain, in the name of all that's holy, don't leave me hanging! Help!
>Hey dude, still not back yet. Don't know when I will to be honest. Leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you when I'm able to.
>BEEP.
>If only you could trade in your brain for a new one...
>Might as well try swallowing your tongue. It's better than doing nothing.
 
>You're still sitting there with your eyes shut tight. The spider is slowly walking up the side of your face. Is this some warped sense of punishment Fluttershy is inflicting upon you?
>To be fair, you probably deserve it.
>Expecting it to make a beeline for your nostrils to use as a shelter, you're surprised to feel the spider come to a stop on your right cheek.
>The pressure on your face quickly changes from eight points to one large blob, which slowly moves from side to side.
>You can hear Fluttershy next to you, chortling at whatever it is the spider is doing to your face.
>God, if you weren't afraid of being thrown into prison, you'd reach over and throttle the life out of the yellow pegasus.
>“Aw...”
“What?” You grunt through gritted teeth.
>“She's hugging you! She must really like you!”
>If you could formulate a sentence, you don't think Fluttershy could withstand the blistering waves of hate that would be directed at her.
>You hit your limit in no time.
“Off. Now. Please.” You stammer.
>“Oh... okay.”
>She holds a hoof up to your face.
>“Come on girl. Anon's all hugged out.”
>You feel the spider shift uncertainly before it jumps off your cheek. Opening your eyes, you see the arachnid dancing joyfully on the upturned hoof.
>“Looks like you made a new friend Anon.” Fluttershy remarks, smiling at you.
>Yeah, a friend you could do without.
>Thankfully, she buys the fake smile you flash at her.
>You could do with another drink.
>Now where did you throw your cup?
 
>Time ticks on at a snail's pace as you and Fluttershy continue your picnic, though not as amicably as before. You and your companion don't exchange many words between biscuits and refills. You also have to muster up the courage to pluck the spider from off yourself when it tries to sneakily climb onto you repeatedly. Why it's so enchanted with you, you have no idea.
>The resounding chime of Ponyville's clock tower coincides with you dropping the spider on the ground for the sixteenth time. It scampers off underneath the thick grass, finally getting the message you assume.
>Five bongs. Yeah, you've had enough.
>You stand up and stretch.
“I'm going to head back to the library now. Thanks for the tea and biscuits.”
>“Glad you enjoyed yourself Anon.” She replies, somewhat more subdued that normal.
>Damn, she's still not happy with you.
“Hey, I really am sorry for what I did.”
>She takes a sip from her cup.
>“Don't be sorry Anon, just don't do it again.”
>For Fluttershy, that came out kind of cold.
>Grabbing your axe and rucksack, you sigh and look out across the rolling hills one more time.
“Do you want me to walk you home?”
>She shakes her had at you, “Oh, you don't have to do that. I can take care of myself.”
“Suit yourself. See you later, thanks for the company.”
>“Bye Anon. Remember, she just wants to be friends!”
>You give her a thumbs-up as you stroll away. No offence to her but she's crazy to think that you'd ever be friends with a bug.
 
>Roughly ten minutes later you're back within the boundaries of P0nyville. You've picked up the pace somewhat as all that peppermint tea you drank has worked its way through your system very quickly.
>As you turn the corner taking you onto the road leading to Twilight's place, you catch a glimpse of a leg in an easily recognisable shade of pink disappear behind a house.
>The library is right there in front of you. Just another couple of minutes and sweet sweet relief will be yours.
>Screw it, the toilet can wait. This is more important.
“Pinkie Pie! Wait!”
>You break into a jog. Following the owner of the pink leg takes you onto a street you've never been down.
>Pinkie is nowhere in sight. In fact, there isn't any p0ny in sight.
>Guess you must have been seeing things.
>You resign yourself to resuming your search for the pink p0ny another time and turn around to get back onto the main road, only to be given the fright of your life by Pinkie standing right behind you.
>Thankfully, you didn't piss yourself.
“Pinkie!” You yelp, “God damn it, how did you do that?”
>“What do you want?” She asks, ignoring your question.
>You dislike that tone she's using. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that she's still pissed at you for what she thinks you did at last night's party. Maybe you shouldn't have played Safety Dance.
>You know you didn't do anything wrong and the whole problem is solely in her head. You need to make this right somehow, right here and now.
 
“Pinkie, look. We've got to clear the air between us. As cheesy as this sounds, you're a good person and I don't want to spoil that.”
>The mare rolls her eyes but listens regardless. It's only now you notice that her mane and tail is completely straight and flat, instead of frizzy and bouncy.
“I know you didn't invite Luna.” You continue, “I didn't invite her either, I just mentioned it in a letter and she came by herself.”
>“But why did you even tell her in the first place?”
“Why not? I didn't think she'd turn up. I thought she would have been busy with... Princess stuff or something. Besides, she wasn't any trouble.”
>“That's not the point. That was my party for you.”
“I know. Look, she has a bad history with the rest of you, I get that, and I think she was close to telling me last night but didn't get the chance to. Whatever it was, she's sorry about it and trying to move on.”
>“That's not the problem.” She says, shaking her head.
“Well now would be a great time to tell me what is.”
>Pinkie looks up at the sky. You do too and see a flock of birds fly past Eastwards.
>“It's just...” She sighs, “I was afraid.”
“Afraid? Of what?”
>She hesitates.
>“I was afraid... of losing you.”
>You weren't expecting that as an answer.
“Losing me? I'm not going anywhere.”
>“That's not what I meant. I didn't... I don't want to lose you as a friend.”
“Why? Just because Luna arrived?”
>“No. It's...”
>You have a feeling this conversation is about to enter highly sensitive territory.
 
>“Having friends is the most important thing in the world.” She explains, “I always feel upset for those that don't have a lot of friends. I don't think I could be happy without having any friends. Everyp0ny should have lots of friends, don't you think?”
“Of course. The more the better.”
>She smiles and you think you see a bit of life return to her hair, “I like having lots of friends. Each new friend I get makes me smile more than the last one. When you were spending all your time with Luna, I thought... I thought you wouldn't need me as a friend.”
>Wow. Her thinking is totally messed up if that's what she believed you were doing.
“Only right bastards cut off people they don't 'need'. Trust me when I say this: I don't need you as a friend, I want you as one.”
>Her eyes widen at the 'want' in your sentence.
>“You really mean it?”
>What would be the best way to put this... Yep, that's perfect.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” You say while doing the accompanying actions.
>Almost instantly, her mane and tail spring back to their proper form. She jumps up and gives you her patented crushing hug, bring you to your knees.
>“Oh Anon, you don't know how happy that makes me to hear you say that!”
>You try and smile but it's more a painful grimace, not that Pinkie cares. She's more relieved to know you don't consider her a simple acquaintance.
>“I've been super silly. Why was I being such a big dumb dunderhead?”
“No idea.” You wheeze.
 
>“You know what Anon?”
>It's been roughly two minutes and she still hasn't let go. If this goes on any longer, you're going to pass out from a lack of oxygen.
“What?”
>“Luna should have friends too. I shouldn't have tried to stop you. Promise me something.”
“Yeah?”
>“Be her friend. I want her to be as happy as I am. I want her to have as many friends as I do.”
“Sure.”
>“The next time she comes to P0nyville, I'm going to be her friend too and I'll make sure she gets as many friends as possible.”
“Sounds good.”
>All of a sudden, you feel a spark go off inside your head.
>Hey dude, I'm back. What did I miss?
Nice of you to finally show up when I don't need you.
>Yeah yeah. I can see you're having a touching moment but I think you may want to wrap it up quickly dude.
Why?
>Because you've got about a pint of urine in you that needs to be expelled sharpish and I think Pinkie would prefer it if you didn't hose her down.
Ah.
>You try to wriggle out of Pinkie's grasp but to no avail.
>“What's the matter Anon?” She asks once you start moving more uncomfortably.
You chuckle nervously, “Heh, need to get going, I've got some... business to take care of.”
>“Oh. Do you need help with it?”
>This mare man.
“Thanks but... it's of the dude variety if you catch my drift.”
>The cogs turn in her head and she gasps sharply once she realises what you mean. She lets go, allowing you to stand back up.
“I'll see you later Pinkie!” You shout as you run off.
>“Bye Anon! Keep smiling!”
 
>Reaching your destination in under a minute, you don't so much open the front door as kick it down. Twilight, who had fallen asleep at her desk, jolts upright at your violent incursion.
>“Wuh... Anon? What's wrong?”
>You slip the rucksack from off and drop it onto the floor along with your axe. Before she can even react, you're already climbing up the stairs.
>“Hey! Don't leave your stuff there, take it with you!”
“Can't! Emergency!”
>You bust through the bedroom door and leap over Spike, who's sitting on the floor and playing on the DS.
>“Whoa! Hey Anon, what the rush?”
“Need the privy!”
>Busting through into the corridor leading to the kitchen, you find the bathroom and leap inside. Fumbling with the lock, you feel the pressure building up inside you.
>PENIS CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER!
>You're really cutting this close. Leaving the lock, you don't even bother to unzip your flies, electing instead to just pull your trousers and boxers down.
Release the floodgates!
>PENIS OBEYS!
>You can't begin to describe how good this feels.
>At any other time, you'd probably seize up at hearing someone come into the bathroom while you were taking a leak. Right now, there's no stopping the flood.
>“Anon, come out here and... AH!”
>You twist your head around to see Twilight staring at your plump and hairy buttocks.
“Take a picture, why don't you?”
>Her eyes are locked onto your backside.
“OUT!” You bellow.
>She gallops out of the bathroom, not averting her gaze in the slightest.
 
>A few minutes later, you emerge relieved and satisfied.
>Back at the bedroom, Spike is still playing on the console. Best not to interrupt him: the way he's sticking his tongue out is a sure sign of intense concentration.
>You tiptoe behind the dragon. Just as you reach for the door handle, you hear him snickering.
“What's so funny?” You query.
>“Nothing, just hearing Twilight say something about 'round and hairy.'”
>God damn it.
>Entering the library, you see Twilight back at her desk sitting upright and staring a blank piece of paper, her levitating quill inches away from it.
“You know I wasn't serious about taking a picture right?”
>Startled, she hurriedly returns the quill to the ink well and shoves the paper aside.
>“Anon! I wasn't...! I mean, what I was doing...!”
>You wave a hand at her.
“Yeah yeah, I don't blame you. They're my best feature after all.” You say jokingly.
>Collecting your axe and backpack from where you left them, you approach Twilight who's still a little red in the face.
“Anything happen while I was out?” You ask.
>“No, not really. Well, Pinkie Pie did just come over, just before you arrived actually.
“I know, I bumped into her outside.”
>“You did? She wasn't her usual bright self, I'm sure you noticed. Anyway, she wanted a book that dealt with throwing better parties. I told her such a book didn't even exist. Trust me, I would know otherwise. Besides, even if there was, Pinkie's already the best party organiser in all of Equestria.”
 
>You scratch your head. Seems like Pinkie was going to throw you another party to make up for the last one that admittedly went off the rails towards the end.
“I take it she didn't like that bit of info?”
>“No, all it did was put her in a worse mood than when she arrived.”
“Yeah, she did seem vexed about something. I figured it was about my welcoming party. You wouldn't believe what she just told me. She had this crazy idea that I didn't want to be her friend because Luna showed up.”
>“Really?”
“Yeah. I cleared that misunderstanding up. We're back on good terms now.”
>“That's good to hear. How did the picnic with Fluttershy go?”
“Eh, could have been better. A spider spoiled the whole thing.”
>“A spider?”
“I've had a phobia of them for as long as I can remember. Do I really have to explain it more than that?”
>She huffs, “Not really. It's silly, end of discussion. You might as well be afraid of slugs or butterflies.”
“Let me tell you something. Back on Earth, we've got spiders that can kill humans. Not incapacitate or knock out, straight up kill us. True, most of those species didn't even live on the same continent as mine but having that fear is still valid.”
>The unicorn chuckles, before focusing on the axe on your shoulder.
>“This spider. It wasn't black and yellow by any chance, was it? Long spindly legs as well?”
“Er... yeah it was. How did you know?”
>She raises a hoof and points it at your axe.
>Looking over, you see that accursed spider waving at you.
 
>You instantly tense up. It may not be on your body but it's still too close for comfort.
>“What's the matter Anon?” Twilight asks, a hint of mocking concern in her voice.
>You slowly take the axe off your shoulder and place it on the ground. The spider keeps its focus on you as you do so.
>You're not going to try and crush it again. For one thing, even if Twilight let you do it, Fluttershy would probably hate you forever if you killed it. Second... funny. You're not as uneasy as you were the first time. Guess you're getting used to it being around.
“You're not going to give up are you?” You say to the spider.
>The spider hops up and down. You guess that's a no.
“Nothing I can do to make you go away?”
>It hops some more.
>You sigh. Looks like you've got a life besides your own to look after now. It's a good thing this spider can get its own food. You don't think the local pet shops sell jars of dead flies.
“Come on then.”
>You pick up the axe and keep it level at waist height. The spider stays on the axehead and doesn't try to crawl down the shaft. Looks like it learnt not to crawl all over you.
>Twilight trots over to examine the arachnid.
>“What a specimen.” She says, captivated by the spider, “I haven't seen one of this kind in any of my textbooks. Do you know what gender it is Anon?”
>You recall back to Fluttershy coddling the blighter.
“It's a girl.” You state confidently, “Eyelashes are a bit of a give away.”
 
>The unicorn spends the next ten minutes examining the spider from every angle, occasionally asking it questions and getting yes and no answers in return.
>“Do you have a name?” She asks next.
“Really Twilight? A spider having a name?”
>The spider spins clockwise, its... her way of saying yes if you remember correctly.
>“Seems she does.” Twilight approaches the spider, “Any way you can tell us what it is?”
>The spider stay still for a second before turning to face you. It jumps up and down on your axe and points a leg towards the top of the bookshelf nearest to Twilight's desk.
>“I think she wants you to put her up there. I wonder why...”
“Guess we'll find out soon enough.”
>You walk over and raise the axe above you, allowing the spider to jump onto the shelf. She positions herself at the edge of the bookcase and dives off. Rather than dropping like a stone, she floats across to the shelf on the other side of Twilight's desk using her spider silk as a makeshift parachute. Climbing to the top, she again throws herself off and glides over to the first shelf.
>“Why do you suppose she did that?” Twilight asks.
>You move away from the bookcase. As you do, light coming in through a window reflects off two fine strands of web that form an 'X' between the two bits of furniture.
>A scaffold.
“Clever girl.”
>“What is it Anon?”
“It'd spoil the surprise if I told you. I get the feeling we're going to be in for a real treat. Let's just sit here and watch.”
 
“Why a tree anyway?”
>Twilight rubs her head with a hoof.
>“It probably seemed like the smart choice at the time.” Twilight counters.
“If that was the case, I hate to imagine what the other options were. Seriously though, most of the buildings here are made from timber and plaster. Why not the library too? What, was there a construction material shortage the day the library was supposed to be built? Did some p0ny go, 'What about that really old tree that's been here longer than any of us have been alive? I bet that would make a great library!'”
>It's been two hours since the spider began weaving it's web between the two bookshelves. An impressive net of threads has been building up, though you can't discern any sort of pattern or shapes yet. In that time, you've been informing Twilight of all the irregularities and quirks of P0nyville and Equestria at large that would have fallen apart had they been on Earth.
>“Will you stop complaining? You're giving me a headache.”
“I'm giving you a headache? For creatures that are all about living in harmony with everything, you lot sure have some strange ways of showing it. The environmentalists back home would be calling for your blood if they found out you hollowed out a perfectly good tree.”
>“But it's still alive! What's the problem?”
“The problem is-”
>You're cut off by the sound of someone knocking at the door. .
>“Who could that be at this hour?”
You get up and stretch.
“I'll go see who it is.”
 
>You open the top half of the door and stick your head out. You meet face to face with a familiar cross-eyed mare.
>“Hi Another Mouse!” Derpy cheerfully greets you.
>You sigh, resigning yourself to the fact that she may never get your name right.
“Evenin' Derpy. What's up?”
>She lifts her head.
>“The sky?” She answers cautiously.
You chuckle, “I didn't mean literally, why are you here?”
>“Oh, I've got a package for you!” She announces.
>A package? Can't be your next lot of cash from Celestia, it's too soon.
“A bit late for making deliveries, isn't it?”
>She shakes her head, “It was stamped 'Urgent', with thick red letters and everything! I could get in trouble if I dawdled around with something that's Urgent! Here it is.”
>She takes off her saddlebag and removes a brown paper package. Sure enough, there was 'Urgent' stamped on it, along with your name and a familiar symbol.
“That's the Royal Insignia, isn't it?”
>Derpy nods, “Sure is. Here.”
>She passes the package to you. It's heavy and doesn't rattle. Running your fingers along the wrapping, you try and work out what it is but come up empty.
“Thanks. I'll see you around.”
>Just as you're about to close the door, a whimper stops you. Looking at Derpy, you see a disappointed look on her face.
“What's wrong?”
>“Did you forget?”
>What's she on... Ah.
“Muffins! Right!” You slap your forehead, “Sorry, I forgot. Come find me tomorrow, I'll get you some.” You pause to remember, “Blueberry is your favourite, right?”
 
>The mailmare nods happily, “Don't forget the muffin you owe me from last time.”
“Yeah yeah, I've haven't forgotten completely. Any particular place you want me to get them from?”
>Derpy scrunches her face up, “I know! Sugarcube Corner, they have the best muffins!”
>That's handy, you were planning to go there tomorrow anyway to pick up some supplies.
>Oh yes, there's some science that needs to be done.
“Okay, two blueberry muffins for the best postal worker in all Equestria. I won't forget this time. Thanks again for getting this to me.”
>Derpy grins at you before unfurling her wings and taking off.
>“See you tomorrow Another Mouse!” She shouts down from above.
>Closing the door behind you, you're still trying to work out what was just delivered to you.
>“Here's an idea.” Twilight suggests, “Why don't you just open it?”
“That... is a very good question.”
>You walk over to Twilight and place the package on her desk.
“Care to do the honour?”
>Her horn starts shimmering and a nearby draw opens. Out comes a letter opener that she scores the side of the package with.
“Thanks.”
>“You're welcome.”
>As she returns the knife back to its resting place, you take off the extraneous paper, revealing a book and a letter addressed to you.
>“My goodness, Encyclopedia Of The Dark Times?” Twilight says, reading the title of the tome, “Only a few places in all of Equestria have a copy. Why have you got one?”
>She couldn't be any more jealous. You take the letter and begin reading it.
 
>Dear Anon,
>I stayed awake all day to find some information relevant to your inquiry. Most references to the Dream Stealer that I found at first came from folklore older than the founding of Canterlot and stories told to successive generations purely by word of mouth. All unreliable in simpler terms. I was close to giving up when I discovered this book in a rarely visited section of the Repository of Knowledge here at the castle. It would have taken too long to copy the relevant information to paper so I thought it easier to simply send the book to you so you can read it at your leisure.
>A word of caution though. Please take the utmost care with it. I'm not exaggerating when I say this book is very old. Not many copies of it exist and to have one damaged or, dare I say it, destroyed would be a blow to scholars everywhere in Equestria, especially to the one you're sharing living space with. It also bears mentioning that this book isn't exactly supposed to leave the Repository, even if the one taking it is a Princess, so I will need the book back as soon as your are done with it.
>I hope you are well and that you find the answers you're searching for.
>May the Moon guide your way.
>Your friend, Luna.
 
>After finishing, you look at the book in your hand. You suddenly get the sickly feeling you should be wearing latex gloves while touching it, lest it turn to dust in your grasp.
>You gently place the sort-of-stolen book on Twilight's desk, being careful not to damage the web the spider was still busily constructing.
“I'm going to go to bed.” You announce, pointing a thumb towards the bedroom door.
>“Are you sure?” Twilight asks, “It's still early, even by my standards.”
“Eh, all that fresh air I got earlier has gotten to my head and I'm feeling tired.”
>“If you say so. What about your new friend?”
>You look at the spider still moving back and forth across the sticky mesh.
“I get the feeling it's going to take a long time before it... she's finished.”
>“Suit yourself Anon. I'll be here... reading, if you need me.”
“Yeah, I wonder what you'll be reading exactly.” You say sarcastically, “Anyway, g'night Twilight.”
>“Good night Anon. Sleep tight.”
“Thanks.”
>You grab your rucksack and axe and head upstairs.
>Opening the door, you find Spike still playing on the DS, the glow of the dual screens illuminating his face.
“Sorry dude, you're going to have to take that somewhere else. The sandman's calling.”
>He looks up at you, “What does that mean?”
“I'm going to bed I can't have any noise. Come on, hut hut!” You say, pushing at the air.
>Spike groans and gets up.
 
>He pauses the game and rubs his eyes.
“How far have you gotten now?” You ask, curious as to Spike's digital journey.
>“I'm at... What was it called again? It's a place with lots of water and fish people.”
“Zora's Domain?”
>“That's it. I just bought these foot things so I can swim up the waterfall.”
“The flippers?”
>“Yeah. Anyway, I think I'm nearly finished now.”
>You laugh. How mistaken he is.
“Not quite little guy, you're only about a third of the way though.”
>He can hardly believe what you're saying.
>“You mean there's still more to do?”
You nod, “That's not including trying to get a 100-percent complete save file either.”
>A big grin spread across his face. Giggling to himself, Spike scampers to the library and closes the door behind him. You smile to yourself as you climb up the stepladder to the upper alcove. You hang your boots outside like you always do with the axe and sling the backpack into its corner. Climbing into bed, you go over the day's events in your head. A shame you didn't do all that shopping you wanted to do today, but saying no to Fluttershy would have been the equivalent of kicking a combination puppies and kittens into a wood chipper while a bunch of kids were forced to watch. Oh well, you can do all that stuff tomorrow.
>As you try to get to sleep, the theme to Zora's Domain from Ocarina Of Time begins playing in your head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvRsEDaLIzo
Any chance you could cut that out brain?
>Nope.
Fine, keep it down.