>"S-Spark Bug..."
>There's a hesitance to Treehugger's voice and she is still in your arms
>Fuck, you made this so fucking awkward
>Why would you...
>Why the fuck would you even say what you...
>God, fuck fuck fuck
>You wish you could disappear
>Treehugger is going to think you're some kind of weird freak
>That's what you are, anyways
>You fucking called her 'mom' and you don't even fucking know where that came from
>The entirety of your body is shaking, trembling
"I-I-I..."
>Brusquely, you stand up, jolting out of Treehugger's hold, and rush over to the kitchen's rusted sink and heave
>Nothing comes out, but better safe than sorry
>Your eyes sting as you dryly gag—it's almost like you're trying to force your breakfast out at this point
>You're such a fucking embarrassing piece of garbage
>Who fucking kisses someone and then calls them 'mom'?
>Treehugger places her hand on your shoulder
>You shake her off
>"Spark Bug, it's okay! I... You..."
>She's at a loss for words
>Fucking great
>Fucking Twilight
>You can feel your skin crawling under Treehugger's eyes
>Can't be here
>Had to get out
>You dart out of the kitchen, making your way to the exit
>"Spark Bug! Wait! It's—"
>Slamming the door behind you, you start dashing down the dank, beige hallway, but stop once you come to the stairwell
>How exactly did you think you were going to get home?
>Fuck...
>"Spark Bug?"
>For some reason, you really thought she wouldn't follow you outside
"I-I'm..."
>You slump against the stairwell wall, sliding down until your reach the floor
>Treehugger sits down across from you cross legged, head turned to the side, away from you
"I-I... I'm sorry..."
>"Spark Bug, you didn't do anything to be sorry about."
>You grunt and throw your head in your hands
"You can't just keep saying that!"
>Treehugger now puts her own head in her hands and sighs
>"Fuck, Spark Bug... I don't know, I just..."
>She shakes her head from side to side and leans forward, elbows on her knees
>"I just want you to be happy. I just thought you..."
>Shrugging, she lets out a prolonged breath, looking down the hall at nothing in particular
>Knees pulled to your chest, sitting in your little corner, you peek up at her from behind your crummy glasses
>You can tell she's thinking about something, gritting her teeth like she's holding something back
>"Am I... What am I to you? Like a mom? I guess... I guess that would make sense..."
>She presses a palm against her forehead and sighs
"I... I don't know. I don't... I don't know where that... I'm just..."
>Treehugger doesn't look at you, looking everywhere but where you are
>Down the stairwell
>Up
>At the hallway
>She whimpers slightly, trying to hide it behind a sigh
>"Spark Bug, man... Fuck, I always just thought that... I-I think we're just feeling different kinds of love for each other, huh? Guess I was reading those vibes wrong, right?"
>Treehugger tries to laugh through a wavering smile
>She gives up and mutters a 'fuck' to herself
>Your chest stops moving
>You're holding your breath, and the churning in your stomach makes you want to try and vomit again
"I-I'm sorry, Treehugger... I..."
>You gasp as you hold back a sob
"I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I fuck everything up. Th-That's what I do."
>If you could set yourself on fire right now, you would
>You're not even sure you entirely understand the situation you're in
>Treehugger... Loved you?
>What the fuck was it that you were feeling for her?
>"What do I keep telling you about being sorry, man?" she says, wiping at her face. "I... If we're... If what we, you know, if you need me to fill a void or whatever, if that makes you happy..."
"Y-You're not just something to... Fill some void, you... I... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have..."
>You can't get the word 'kiss' out of your mouth
>It won't even give you the decency of fighting for it, making itself stuck in your throat
"I fucked up. I didn't want to—to hurt you..."
>"Fuck, man, it's fine. It's fine," she says, as measured as she can, trying to get the words out without stifling them with coughing or sobbing. "D-Do you think... I'm sorry, Spark Bug, but I think I fucking love you, man."
>Treehugger's lips are quavering, taking shaky breaths as she looks into your eyes
>Like she's waiting for you to say something
>Anything
>Instead, you just glumly enter into silence and watch as Treehugger breaks down in front of you
>Seeing her like this...
>She's only ever been calm, and warm, and loving, and look at what you've fucking done
>Why are you so fucked in the head?
>Why can't you just... Feel what she's feeling for you?
>Isn't that why you kissed her in the first place?
>In the middle of the morning, Treehugger sobs in the dark apartment stairwell, alone
>You move to comfort her
>You try, to, at least
>But you just sit in your corner, unable to bring yourself to do anything more
>All you do is fuck things up
>What were you going to do?
>'It's okay that I'm a piece of shit and used you or something, here's a hug'?
>It felt like the muscles in your body were trying to crush you, constricting as wails slithered into your ears
>Without whimpering, without moving, you let tears stream down your face, resigned to this oppressive feeling that almost seemed to keep you physically trapped where you sat
>Shivering, Treehugger tries to hum to herself, but her voice breaks in her throat
>After a few minutes, you feel completely, emotionally drained
>Treehugger has been mostly quiet for a while now, but breaks the silence
>"W-We sh-should... Y-You need to get home, don't you? I don't... Want to worry your dad or anything, Spark Bug."
"Y-Yeah..."
>Treehugger makes it onto her feet and stretches her back
>After wiping away some tears from her face, she exhales and puts on a muted smile
>"C'mon, Spark Bug. It's... It's fine."
>It doesn't feel like you can move from your post, like you're chained down
>Or like you're in a straight-jacket
>You just have your arms wrapped around your knees
>Treehugger extends a hand out to you, but you don't take it
>You lay your head onto your knees and stare at the denim enveloping your legs
>Stare past the denim with blurred vision, more like
"I'm so sorry."
>Treehugger gulps before kneeling down in front of you
>"Please, man. If you don't... You can't force yourself to, you know, feel something if you... You know what I'm trying to say. It's fine, and I just... I just want to give you what you need, right?"
>It doesn't sound like she completely believes what she's saying, her voice cracking slightly on her final few words
>When she puts her arms around you, you instinctively hug her back, nearly knocking her back
>Treehugger ran her hand down your back, her palm running over your loose hair
>"I-It's okay, Spark Bug."
>The shackles seemed to come off and you nearly collapse, shaking heavily
>But you felt okay, like you always did in her arms
>You felt safe, calm... Small
>And now you felt guilt, as well
>On the car ride home, Treehugger tried to keep things light
>Talk about movies with you, but... Neither of you were really able to lighten up, really
>When she dropped you off, she gave you a lingering hug punctuated with a shudder she probably didn't want to let out
>She smiled and waved you off, and you wished you didn't know her well enough to see through the smile
>Treehugger told you things would be okay, but they weren't, were they?
>Entering your home, your dad is sitting at the round kitchen table, as you usually find him when he's not working
>It doesn't look like he's slept, and his hair is frayed and disheveled
>Spotting you, he lets out a sigh of relief and takes a sip of coffee
>"Hole up in your room for a week, go out and don't come home... Twilight, you're killing me... And what are you wearing?"
>You look down at your body, at your loose v-neck and skinny jeans and remembered your clothes were at Discord's Pizza N Play
"I was... At a friends, and borrowed their clothes."
>"Is this that friend with the drugs? The one Shining talked about? The one who..."
>Your father's face is across between stern, angry, and frightened
>Just another person in the long list of people you're ruining the lives of by existing
>There's nothing you can really say, so instead you shrug
>Your dad puts down his coffee, shaking his head
>"Twilight... I don't understand what's going on in this house anymore. I don't know what's going on in your life at all these days. I don't understand why you'd... Run off with someone who would... And a girl at that, I... Not that..." He pauses. "I don't understand, Twilight. Won't you just tell me what's going on?"
"I... It's not like that, I—We..."
>You stare at his coffee mug rather than meet his gaze
"Just know that she hasn't done anything wrong... I did. And we aren't... I don't want to talk about this, Dad."
>"I don't either. It hurts just thinking about it! But... Not knowing, that's driving me crazy. Not knowing where you're going, what you're doing, Shining going on about your safety. I'm so out of the loop, Twilight. Whatever worst-case-scenarios I'm dreaming up, if you just tell me what's going on, it'll help. Just let me know that you're safe and that I don't have to worry myself to death every time my little girl leaves the house."
>You stare into his eyes and lie
"I... I'm safe, Dad. There's nothing to worry about. I'm just... Acting out, I guess."
>Your dad opens his mouth, as if to speak, but frowns and sighs instead
"I'm the last person who needs to be worried about, Dad... It's everyone else. I just ruin everything I touch. Everyone. I'm poison. I'm... Defective."
>"Twilight, don't say that."
>He isn't looking at you now
>At the mention of that word, he turns to his black coffee mug and stares into it
"That's what Mom called me. She knew to get out when she had a chance."
>"Twilight—"
"Dad, it's okay. I would... I would honestly rather have you hate me right now. I'm lying to you about what's going on, and... I can't stop. Everything about me is just off. Mom was right, wasn't she?"
>Your father fiddles with his thumbs
>"No," he mutters, "she wasn't."
"But—"
>"Twilight, no. Your mother... I could never hate you. I'm not a terrible parent. Human being."
>You stand still at the other end of the table as he pauses
>Looking up at you, he says, "Velvet, she... You're the perfect you, Twilight."
"That isn't saying much..."
>"It's saying a lot, to me."
"I don't want to be told I'm worth something. That I'm 'great' or anything. I'm tired of that... Dad, you can't really see anything in me, can you? Can't you just hate me like Mom? Look at her life... It's amazing, and I'm not part of it. That's not a coincidence, is it? I'm... Human quicksand. People struggle, trying to find something good, but all I do is hurt people. I'm tired of it."
>After a few moments of shared gaze, you turn away
>"Twilight, finding the good in you isn't a struggle. You're my little girl."
>His words leave you feeling empty—kind words aren't what you need right now
"I'll be upstairs," you say, shuffling past your father and up to your room
>Pushing into your room, Spike rushes up to greet you, rubbing himself against your calves
>You kneel down and hold his face in your hands
"Let me guess. I'm not so bad?"
>Spike licks your face, panting and waggling his tail
>You frown, but give him a nice back rub anyways
"Good boy..."
>You'd almost forgotten what you were doing when you'd hiki'd up in your room for the last week
>The days where'd you just stay in your room, one hand on the mouse, the other somewhere else...
>Those were never good days
>You remember the time you'd tried to give up masturbating because you'd read that doing it too much could make you depressed
>Or something
>It didn't last long
>Didn't want to lose out another one of requisite NEET cornerstones, right?
>When you were turned on, all this insane /d/ shit was great, but, right now?
>Looking at this shit was making you grimace
>You closed out your tabs until just the 'safe for work' tabs were open
>'ey b0ss, i'm just on the 4chanz, so it's safe work! don't want to lose muh job!' kind of 'safe for work'
>What were you even doing right now?
>Right, Treehugger
>Your fingers clacked away on the keyboard as you entered in the online college she was enrolled in
>Perhaps they had some sort of registry or something, or...
>After a few fruitless minutes, you realize you're being retarded
>Facebook exists
>Why you wouldn't just go there first...
>You find Treehugger pretty easily, but you need to 'friend' her or whatever to get her info
>Something holds you back from attempting that
>'Hey, it's me, Twilight, the girl who just broke your heart'?
>Fuck, even if you had her number, would you really call her or something?
>It's just that you can't see her in person, right?
>You'd talk to her in person and try to work everything out, right?
>Spinning once more in your chair, you ended up staring out into your bookshelf
"Fuck..."
>Treehugger... You loved, her right?
>You wanted to love her
>And not in some fucked up Oedipal way
>You stood up from your chair and let yourself fall face first into your bed
>It was hard to breath with your face in the pillow like this
>Maybe you should try that screaming thing people do
"Fuck."
>You're pathetic
>There was more buzzing coming from your desk
>Fucking Rainbow...
>Blindly, you reach up with one hand and grope at your desk until you reach your phone
>Pulling it down, you turned onto your back and held the phone above you
>It was... An unknown number
>Your jaw clenched and you felt your chest constrict
>Was this Discord again?
>Images you violently killing yourself flash through your head, like a coyote chewing off their arm to escape a trap
>Can't you go without this shit?
>Trapped under this guy's thumb...
>Don't want to keep him waiting, whatever it is this time...
>"[I shouldn't be reaching out to you, but I wanted to tell you: I'm sorry, Twilight, if I've hurt you.]"
>What?
>You stared at your phone
>Was this...
>Was this Sunny?
"[Sunny?]"
"[Please stop.]"
"[I just want to see you again.]"
>No response
>After a half an hour, still nothing
>You send out a few more texts, but already know that you're not getting anything back
>Here you were, lounging in your room, while Sunny was out there doing God knows what
>For plenty of reasons, sure, but also partially for you
>Why can't your friends just hate you like everyone else?
>She'd be so much better off...
>The muscles in your arms tense, like you were to chuck your phone against the wall
>You don't, though
>You just think about it before letting your arm hang over the bed's edge
>The phone drops to the floor in its casing with a dull clunk
>No matter how much you want to try and forget everything, it seems the world doesn't want you to
>Every fiber of your body wants to act out, you want to scream, but you just lie on your back with a loose face and stare at the ceiling
>You just wanted to hold Sunny in your arms
>And you just wanted to be held in Treehugger's...
>What is wrong with your fucking head?
>When you hear vibrating on the floor, you bolt for your phone and—
>'Message from: Rainbow'
>It's a link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPoaKxm4wDg
>FUCKING RAINBOW!
>You chuck your phone across the room
>It's still blaring "music"
>'It’s nine a clock on the dot at the spot and I’m hanging with her friends again!'
>'Great taste beautiful place and you’re fashionably late (Hey!)'
>Even within the sanctity of your own fucking house you can't simply think in peace
>Oh God your skin is fucking crawling
>You don't think the snarl on your face could get any more bitter
>Too engrossed with your rage to go get your phone, so you decide to let it play to the end
>Thinking back on this morning...
>You look down at your body, at Treehugger's clothes, and wish—
>'Don’t talk that crap when you call me back as a matter of fact don’t act like that!'
>Balling your fists tightly, you try and block out this stupid fucking music
>'Everybody knows you’re right everybody knows I’m wrong :('
>God, Rainbow's normie life and total obliviousness to the weight of what's going on with you right now
>Her sending this fucking godawful tripe to you after you were already ignoring her
>'It’s got nothin’ to do with how you look'
>You're trying to sort out your fucking life, while she's prancing around the city to see shitty bands and send you stupid videos
>'Just another excuse to write a hook'
>Why do you even like that fucking obnoxious retard?
>'I’m letting you know she liked my post up on my Facebook :3'
>Jesus Christ!
"Should've fucking brought Rainbow to that stupid fucking room..."
>The breath you were taking stops in its tracks
>You didn't mean that
>The song comes to a close, and once more you find yourself limp and exhausted in a silent room
>Fuck, you didn't actually think that, did you?
>It was just, you know, like telling someone to kill themselves online or something
>Doesn't actually mean anything
>Your mind flashes back to the convention
>To the blood, the gurgling, the Chevy Chase movies
>And you try to force yourself to hyperventilate over it
>In and out
>That was fucking traumatizing shit, and...
>Why aren't you more scared?
>It's just shock, still, from that night is all
>For a while, you just lay there
>God, how are you supposed to fucking juggle your social life, your pseudo-love life, and your fucking Discord shit?
>The harder, more callous person that you have to be to get by with him...
>It's leaking into places you don't want it
>Why can't things ever be easy?
>Your body feels like it's being tugged in every direction, emotionally drawn and quartered
>Sunny just texts you out of the blue...
>That almost makes you mad
>You can't do anything to get her back
>You can't talk to her
>You can't do anything but wait for the worst, because, what good could possibly come from what she's doing?
>If she could just be here with you right now...
>Sunny would probably wriggle out of your arms, and leave you feeling wrecked
>Maybe she has feelings for you, you're not sure
>Everything's been so confusing
>Being around her—just thinking of her—enflamed something within you
>Gave you a blush, made you shake
>Even now you found yourself crossing your legs
>Why did you feel like this about her?
>Why couldn't you feel like that about Treehugger
>She's actually there for you, and cares about you, and...
>Fuck, should you 'want' to feel like that about multiple people?
>It's called 'oneitis', not 'multiplitis'...
>You tossed in your bed
>Treehugger has done so much for you, and she's in pain because of you
>Can't you just... You care about her, but it's different
>Not like Sunny, but more like she's...
>A pacifying shudder moves through you as you think back to being in Treehugger's lap, and—fleetingly—the thought of maternal protection makes its way into your mind
>You let out a grunt and slip under your sheets, throwing them over your head
>Twilight, this shit is too /d/eviant, even for you
>Fuck, it's not even sexual!
>That's the problem
>If you could just make yourself like Treehugger in a different way, then everything would be fine, right?
>Maybe...
>You picture Treehugger in your mind as you slip a hand between your legs
>Brushing your hand lightly between your legs, you close your eyes
>Okay...
>'Sun—'
>Wrong girl
>Just think about her so much when you do this you guess that's just where your head goes...
>'Treehugger, I...'
>'Shh, it's okay, Spark Bug'
>You furrow your brow as you try to make her do something lewd in your head
>It's your fucking imagination
>C'mon, don't you owe this to her?
>Treehugger stands awkwardly in front of you
>'Spark Bug. Let's, uh, fuck?'
>'Yes...'
>This all feels dead
>You purse your lips
>Maybe if you just go at it a little more down there...
>This feels wrong
>So, what?
>Treehugger bawled in front of you because of what you did
>And you can't just fucking think about her in a lewd way?
>You've fucking thought lewd thoughts about basically every semi-decent looking person at CHS
>Hell, you've even done that autistic 'try masturbating to THIS' shit on the internet
>In your mind, you see Treehugger sobbing with that same piercing cry
>Now just this, but less crying and more naked
>It's not happening
>She's still there with that bandanna and those simple, stoner clothes, sobbing
>Brute force this, Twilight...
>You've seen her naked, and you fucking had sex with her before
>Think about her mouth on yours, her tongue, her hands on your body...
>Breath quickens as you bite down on your lip, imagining your hands running along supple curves
>After a few long minutes, you clench up in a shuddering orgasm
>And realize the girl in your head is Sunny
>Not that that's a bad thing, but...
"Ugh."
>Throwing the blanket off of you, you sit up on your bed
>Maybe things will change...
>Should they even?
>Fuck, you really just don't even know what you want
>You bring your hands to your face and shrug, and immediately regret bringing your hands to your face
>Whatever
>You look over to your phone across the floor
>Maybe you'll go out with Rainbow Dash and the girls after all...
>Get out of this place