I fucking love coffee
 
 
>Is your body ready for this shit?
>You fucking love coffee
>It’s 3 am and you want a goddamn cup of coffee
>Go to the kitchen
>Open cupboard
>NO FUCKING COFFEE
>all of your rage
>Fucking blasphemy, you must go out get more
>What food store is open in Equestria at this time
>The world is run by casuals
>Hold your shit!
>Motherfucking Poneco (or whatever shit pony pun you can think of for that store) is open 24/7
>mahnigga.jpg
>Get your fucking helmet, your going for a ride!
>Strap it on, grab your wallet, and your keys (so some faggot won’t steal your bike)
>Music. You grab your mp3 player
>You feel sorry for the plebians who don’t listen to the same music you do
>play Brand New – Jesus
>tfw ponies are plebs
>except the best pony of course
>Thundercats are go
>No traffic at 3 am
>Ride in the middle of a street
>Cop outta fucking nowhere
>It’s just a little pony in a little blue suit
>your fucking sides
>the pony approaches you on the bike
>You put on your cool face
“Problem officer?”
>“Why are you riding in the middle of the street at 3 am.”
”Coffee, officer.”
>“Excuse me?”
“I fucking love coffee”
>pokerface
>”….just get the fuck out of here”
>Works everytime
>At Poneco. No Zebra’s allowed.
>It’s pretty dead, you wonder why.
>Coffee
>You lock your bike and roll your ass in.
>In the aisle of manly things, you find your coffee
>Dark Espresso Roast master race. Reporting in!
>Hold your shit!
>There’s a new coffee brand you’ve never seen before
>There’s a dark brown pony smiling on the face of the bag
>Exotic Herbal Coffee Roast
>Why the fuck not?
>You pay for your coffee in the most alpha way
>Unlock your bike and ride home
>Through the middle of the street
>The feel when you can get away with it
>Fucking home
>To the kitchen
>In one smooth motion, you fill the back with water, load a filter of coffee and activate the machine
>Watching it drip and slowly fill up. Words cannot describe…
>drip
>drip
>ssssssssssssssssss-drip
>Oh god damn you’re so turned on right now
“Don’t ever do that to me again coffee. I really thought I was gonna have to go on without you…”
>I’m really sorry Anon, I promise I won’t do it again.”
>What the hell?
>You’re alone, but someone definitely spoke to you
“Alright, who’s there?”
>”I’m here, sweetie!”
>Your coffee machine just spoke to you.
>What the fuck
>”I’m always here for Anon, now you’ll have coffee for the rest of your life!
>wut?
>the lid of your coffee pot opens
>A pony the color of coffee sticks her head out from it
>What the actual fuck!
“…What is going on?”
>The pony pulls the rest her body out and stand your counter, coffee spilling from her hide
>Damn it, she’s making a huge mess. There’ll be fucking ants everywhere!
>She smiles at you…seductively
>”I am your coffee Anon, and….” She bites her lower lip, “…You fucking love me.”
>You note she stressed ‘fucking’
>What kind of fucking coffee did you buy?
>She teases you, “Don’t you want your coffee, Anon?”
>Fuck it, you can think about it later
“You’re fucking right, I want my coffee!”
>The coffee mare giggles and leans over you
>she grips your shoulder and yanks you in for big coffee smooch
>Shit, the coffee is burning your skin
>HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THAT’S THE BEST DAMN COFFEE YOU’VE EVER TASTED
>Well, shit
>The mare, tackles you the ground, standing over you, kissing and burning the entire time
>Of course you drink it all up
>She pulls away and rips or you shirt and pulls down your pants!
“Um….”
>She silences you with a burning yet god-tier coffee kiss
>”Shush Anon, enjoy your coffee
>If she only she knew how turned on you were by all of this
>She’s about to find out
>”Oh my goodness, Anon, you DO love your coffee. It’s so big…”
>Feels good man
>”For such love for your coffee you deserve only the best in Equestria”
>She starts making out with you. It still burns but that fucking coffee
>She drenches you in her caffeinated nirvana
>You break the kiss for a second
“F-Fuck, I love you coffee, you’re the only one who gets me.”
>You resume drinking
>This fucking rocks your world
>You are already about to explode in a land to euphoric herbal roast that even the most powerful of men can only dream of
>You bit your lower lips and your tenses as that coffee travels down your esophagus
>The coffee mare arches back and moans in the air
>You let yourself enjoy this orgasmic coffee
>It leaves your body a trembling wreck
>The coffee mare giggles, “I’ll always be your best coffee, Anon.”
>Suddenly, she melts and splashes all over you
>Fuck, didn’t you just ejaculate into that?
>Too late to worry about that now. Your body is in horrible pain now that your coffee has gone and spilt all over you
>3rd degree burns over 90% percent of your body
>You need to go the hospital
>Unfortunately for you, Pone doctors suck and cannot into humans
>So you die
>It looks like your body was not ready
>Later, you pony friends run funeral procession and mourn your loss
>In honor of your memory, they place a bitchin’ tombstone at your grave
>It will read:
Here lies Anon – He fucking loved his coffee
 
 
 
The end