>You turn over slowly, as the voice commands, and are pleasantly surprised that at least it does not belong to whatever is after Celestia.
"What are you doing here?"
>Bob, your friend, isn't supposed to be back for days.
>"What are you doing here?" he repeats.  "More like what the fuck are you doing here?  It looks like a fucking bomb went off in the living room, and --"
"I can explain."
>"And are you in bed, in my bed, with a motherfucking horse?  I knew you were a fucking weirdo but this really takes the cake.  I'd say you're the one with some goddamn explaining to do."
"It isn't what it looks like."
>"Well, what it looks like is you've been blowing shit up in my living room and you're in bed with a horse."
>"Did someone mention cake?"  Celestia is murmuring, half-asleep, but suddenly starts awake and in a flash of light is on her hooves in front of Bob, horn aglow.
>"Greetings, Earth person.  I am Princess Celestia of the Kingdom of Equestria, and I am here on royal business."
>"Holy shit, a talking horse!"
>Bob turns pale and his jaw drops.  He unloads the shotgun, puts the shells in his shirt pocket and puts it down.
"Princess Celestia, this is my friend, Bob Robertson.  And you just introduced yourself."
>Suddenly, Celestia's horn glows bright white.  "Quick.  Get me some paper!"
>While Bob stands stupefied, you run to the printer and pull out several sheets of paper.
>Celestia stands, intently staring at a spot on the wall, pointing her horn at it.  For some reason, she reminds you of a cat staring at nothing.
>Suddenly, numbers start appearing on the paper.  
>33 47 24 116 55 42 30.
>"This must be from Twilight.  But what does it mean?"
>You stare at the numbers for a while.
>Baffled, you do what you do with anything that confuses you.  You ask Google, Celestia appearing next to you.
>The results are all sports scores, railway schedules, and latitude and longitude.
>"They're coordinates!"
 
>Testing this theory, you enter them into Maps.  Guessing, you conclude they're probably north and west.  
>If they were in another quarter of the globe, that would be indicated somehow by any intelligent communicator.
>It looks like a residential neighborhood, but zooming out a bit, it appears to be very near something called North Mountain.  San Jacinto, California.
>"Seems like it's near a mountain."
>Celestia seems interested.  "Yes, the portals often open on a side with some prominent geographical feature."
"So what does the 30 at the end mean?"
>"Well, when we've worked with portals previously, generally they have to be located in time as well as space.  I think it means 30 days."
>Apparently, Bob has finally recovered from his shock and walks into the living room.
>"You know, this is kind of my house.  Anyone care to let me know what the f -- what's going on?  Sorry, Princess."
>"Just Celestia will do."
>You're surprised that even Bob is suddenly moderating his language.
>Celestia explains briefly the general situation, that she is stranded in this world, that there is some sort of eldritch monster after her, and that she has to get back to Equestria before all hell breaks loose.
"So you see, Bob, we're kind of in a lot of trouble."
>Celestia says "It's not just Equestria.  The Thing is a menace to both of our dimensions.  If it can't take Equestria, it may try to take over here.  It has to be put back for good."
"To where?"
>"Back between the dimensions, or into some empty universe."
>"San Jacinto," says Bob.  "Quite a trek."
"Well, it could have been the other side of the world, I suppose.  It's only about 1,200 miles, depending how you go."
>You decide to rent a van, or some other vehicle large enough for Celestia, and locate a small rental operation just a mile down the road.
>"If anything happens, just call me," says Celestia.
"Okey dokey," you say.
>You decide to walk.  No point getting Bob more involved than he is.
 
>You walk down the road briskly, but it isn't too long before you suddenly hear a voice in your head.
>[I'm keeping an eye on you.]
>The voice is Celestia's delightful clear, bell-like voice.
>You suddenly worry that she's reading other parts of your mind, less than proper thoughts you've been having about her.
>[Don't worry, I'm not reading your mind.]
>You are torn between believing her and wondering how she knew to tell you that.
[Can you hear me back?]
>[Yes, but only what you choose to say to me.]
[Could you read my mind if you wanted to?]
>[Yes, but I consider it wrong to intrude on someone's mind without their consent, unless absolutely necessary for their own good or that of others.]
>This is a rather vague disclaimer, but you're okay with it.
>After all, telepathy is a mere parlor trick compared to what you think she can do.
>Preoccupied with your thoughts, you almost walk by the small rental place, one of those attached to another business, a small heating oil company.
>You walk in, hoping you don't look too nervous, and say you're looking for a panel van with room in the back.
>Everything goes smoothly until it's time to pay.  Your credit card is declined.  You ask the guy behind the counter to run it again.  No dice.
>They have a slow dialup connection, so every time they run the card, it takes a couple minutes for it to phone home.
>You then try your bank card, and the same thing happens.
[This isn't good, Celestia.  Something's wrong.]
>Suddenly feeling you have made a huge mistake, you flee out the front door.
>A black Cadillac Escalade with tinted windows pulls into the parking lot directly in front of you.
[Something's very, very wrong.]
>Two men in black suits and sunglasses step out of the passenger and driver's side doors and begin walking toward you.
>You can't lead them to Celestia!  You flee in the opposite direction of the house.
>Up the road, you see a police car, then two, then three, lights flashing, speeding toward you.
 
>You run into the woods on the side of the road, tearing through underbrush.
>You hear the extras from Men in Black following closely behind you.
>Suddenly, Celestia appears directly in front of you, gesturing with her horn to step aside.
>Her horn glows a brilliant white, with a sphere growing at its tip, and then she releases the power with an audible boom.
>The ball of energy hits the first of the seeming men, and in a flash, you suddenly see them as they actually are.
>They look like skeletons, but not like human skeletons, as their skulls are broad and flat, with enormous canines and glowing red orbs for eyes.
>In another second, they have flown apart, their constituent parts lying, crackling, on the ground.
>"No time to lose, on my back."
>This time, you do not hesitate but jump right on Celestia's back.
>With a flash, you both disappear and find yourself back in the house, face to face with a befuddled Bob.
>You explain what just happened and that you are all in danger.
>Clearly, you can't use any kind of plastic.  Too bad you don't have any cash.
"Bob, I don't know when I'll ever be able to repay you, but can you loan me every bit of paper money you have right now?"
>"That's a mighty tall order."  
>"The fate of two worlds may depend on it," says Celestia, who looks faint.  "I don't feel too well."
>You support Celestia as she staggers to the bed and collapses, the light from her horn dimming and then nearly vanishing.
>A feeling of blind panic comes over you.
"Celestia!  Are you okay?"
>"I will be.  I just need. . .to recover my energy."
>Bob moves a rug and pulls up a board in his floor, then turns the dial on a combination safe.  "This'll have to do."
>It's about $2,000 in small denomination bills.  
"Thanks, Bob.  You're a lifesaver.  Also I hate to ask but do you have any weapons?  I could really use something."
>He searches around a bit and comes back.
>"This is a Glock 42.  It's a .38.  Not the best, but should be easy enough for you."
 
>Even with the gun, you think something with a blade might be more useful against nuisances like smoke goblins.
>You describe the creatures to Bob, and how even a strong punch could basically pop one, and he suggests a machete.
>It should be easy enough to cut them down like weeds with this, and maybe you'll actually have to cut some weeds.
>Your situation is already untenable, and you can't simply wait here.
>You wonder how the police are involved in this, and if they even know anything or if they are stooges of some sort.
>In any event, you apparently can't use anything connected to your name without immediately drawing attention.
>The 30 days you have before the portal opens is now less of a convenience and more of something to survive.
>You wonder out loud how you can possibly get all the way to San Jacinto without a vehicle.
>Bob thinks a while and says "Well, not to disrespect your Princess, but she is a horse, you know."
>You recall her demonstration of her disguise abilities.
>Suddenly, the lights in the house dim, as well as the television and flat-screen computer monitor.
>Celestia enters the room, seeming weak but steady.
>The lights return to their normal brightness.
>"Are there any thoroughfares suitable for horseback travel in this world?"
>Bob said "We just happen to be a couple miles from one of the longest trails in the United States.  The Pacific Crest Trail."
>"So, there would be nothing unusual about a man riding a horse on that trail?"
>"Not really."
>"It's settled, then."
"It just seems kind of, you know, disrespectful somehow."
>Celestia looks briefly annoyed.  "You'll have to get over your reticence.  It's the best way."
"By the way, after we leave, those things may show up looking for us."
>"I'm not afraid of any goddamn goblins."  
>But he did gather various weapons, guns and knives and other improvised weapons, and lock the doors and windows.
"Celestia also says they have a habit of setting fires."
>"I have extinguishers."
 
"Well, call me if you run into anything you need advice about.  You sure you're going to be okay?"
>"Maybe email would be better.  Just remember to proxy up.  Or get a burn phone."
"I'm sorry I got you into this."
>"We don't even know I am into this yet."
"Well, we'd better leave pretty soon if you aren't."
>"I'm feeling better, but my magic is going to take a while to regenerate."
>Bob draws you a quick map, and you download an overlay of the trail for your map application, making sure you're still in airplane mode.
>"You can pick up the trail on the other side of that hill," he says, pointing to the horizon.  "But maybe you should grab some food first."
>He goes into the backyard, noting that you have already mostly devastated his garden.
>"I guess you might as well have the rest, too."
>Shortly, he has filled Celestia's saddlebags with tomatoes, carrots, zucchini, peppers and other fresh vegetables.
>"We should travel mostly by night," says Celestia.  "That may be when the agents are most active, but we certainly don't want to be asleep at that time."
>You also grab some more Hostess snack cakes.
>After a quick meal and some familiarization with the trail you're taking to California, you thank Bob and get on your way as the sun goes down.
>Celestia adopts her disguise as a gray quarter horse, and bids you to mount.
>You trot into the woods, seeking the trail.  Celestia seems worried.
>"What does it mean that those cars with the flashing lights were also chasing us?"
"Those were police.  They work for the government.  And they only showed up after I used one of these cards."
>"Credit cards, you mentioned them earlier.  This must mean the agents have some way of monitoring your thinking machines, correct?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
>"Then it is worse than I thought.  It has worshippers here.  They want to bring it through completely."
"And what would that mean?"
>"The end."
"For us?"
>"For everyone."
"Then, I swear, I will get you where you need to be."