>You stood at the entrance to a bar with the other three alicorns, feeling quite out of place.
>Despite this being 'Princess' Night Out', you had...never really enjoyed alcohol.
>Still, this was supposed to be fun, right?
>Luna, Celestia, and Cadance, fresh from the start of the Equestria Games, had taken you with them to a Crystal Empire pub named the 'Rusty Horn'.
>Fittingly, the logo was a broken unicorn horn with rust on it.
>Unfittingly: The place was actually quite clean and high-class.
>You had...never been in a pub like this. The Ponyville one was much dirtier and 'homey,' and you avoided it entirely.
>The barkeep was a brown unicorn with, conveniently enough, a broken horn.
>"Hey barkeep. Slow night?" Celestia asked, gesturing to the empty bar.
>"Nah, just opened. You three are early...and have a fourth?" The unicorn responded with a smile.
>"Mmhm. Find a table, right?" Celestia asked, already moving for a table in the corner.
>"Yep. Anywhere is fine."
>The ivory alicorn guided you all to a table in the back, out of view from the front.
>"Alright girls, time to relax!" Celestia said with a wide grin, the grin mirrored by Luna and Cadance.
>You took a second to smile as well, before being seated.
>Celestia was directly in front of you, with Luna to your side. Cadance was on Celestia's side, in front of Luna.
>"Alright ladies, what can I get ya? The usual?"
>The three nodded, and he affixed you with a look.
"Erm..."
>"Oh, I forgot. First time here, you don't have a usual."
>He went on to list the various wines and the several types of vodka he had in stock.
>Something called "Irish Whiskey" too, though what an "Irish" could be was beyond you.
>The other three were looking impatiently at you, Luna tapping a hoof on the table.
"Ah, uhm...I'll take the Riesling...?"
>"A fine choice, certainly a fresh one." The pony replied, giving the other three an amused look. "I'll be right back."
>"Alright ladies, who wants to start?" Celestia asked, grinning deviously.
>Cadance cleared her throat.
>"Well, Shining's being insecure about his masculinity."
>"Oh, again?" Luna asked, having been just served her first shot.
>"Mmhm." Cadance replied, downing her own. "He couldn't get it up again last night, I had to help and coax him along the entire way just to get him hard enough to put it in me."
>"He didn't even last a single push, and he came maybe a single droplet. If I want a foal, I need more than that."
>You blushed horribly. This was NOT something you needed to know about Shining.
>Cadance looked at you.
>"Twilight, dear, I love you, but your brother needs to stallion up."
>You merely gave a sheepish smile and blinked.
"W-well, he never was the stallion of the house, so to speak..."
>"Obviously. I mean, come on. He still has that flugelhorn, you know that?"
>Celestia slammed a hoof onto the table, snorting loudly.
>"Really?! My ex-Captain of the Guard still has a flugelhorn?!"
>"Yes, he does. Still regularly 'plays' it too. Sounds like somepony's strangling a cat."
>"Oh, my turn." Luna chimed in, having downed three shots in the time you've been seated.
>That barkeep must have been part ghost, because you hadn't seen him come up with your drinks. They were just...there.
>You looked at your imposingly large glass of wine.
>Taking a sip, you noted it wasn't...bad.
>Very different, but not bad.
>You were still going to take this slow.
>"SO, I happened to wander back into the dreams of Fancy Pants, just to see how his little cheating escapades were going."
>"Oh, tell me, tell me!" Cadance said, grinning widely.
>Luna toothily grinned, downing yet another shot.
>It appeared the mare planned on getting outright obliterated tonight.
>"Well, he's rutting four mares at the moment. He feel like he deserves them all, so he doesn't want to stop."
>"Four!?" Celestia said, shocked. "It was three last week!"
>Luna chuckled.
>"Oh yes, sister, four! None of the four know he's rutting three other mares on the side, they all assume he's their 'one and only'."
>You weren't too surprised. Mares fell all over themselves to get to him.
>"Spoiler alert: He's gotten three of them pregnant, NONE of them his wife. None of them know, but I DO. Pregnant ponies have very particular dreams, after all."
>"I, for one, cannot WAIT for the baby bulges to show up." Luna laughed darkly. "It shall be a fun day in Canterlot that day."
>Luna sat back in the chair, chuckling.
>Before belching.
>Cadance, not to be outdone, belched too.
>You flattened your ears, eyes wide at their crass actions.
>The two alicorns locked eyes in a mock challenge, before Luna looked away, as if she suddenly remembered something.
>"Oh, sister's turn!" Luna said, looking at Celestia.
>"Eh, what's there to tell?" The ivory mare said, finishing off her glass of white wine.
>"The Griffon king is a limp-dicked coward, as always. He keeps making demands while hiding behind at least a dozen guards. Could have sworn I smelled fear-piss in the air last time we spoke, wouldn't have been too shocked if it was."
>You blinked. Wine must really bring out the 'raging bitch' in Celestia.
>"The Minotaur chancellor is an over-weight harem hoarder, I couldn't get a word in over one of his females jumping all over him."
>Celestia sighed, setting her head on the table.
>"And the Dragon 'Overlord' is constantly wanting Equestrian mares as 'living incubators' while simultaneously giving ME a looking over as well. Apparently ponies are *just* the right temperature. I don't know HOW he knows, and I don't WANT to know."
>Another heavy sigh.
>"Did I mention the Saddle Arabia sultan confusing me for one of his mares, at first? Sometimes, a war seems really, really nice."
>Suddenly, all eyes were on you.
"Uh..."
>"Well, Twilight? Surely there must be something interesting and juicy going on in Ponyville." Luna said, eyes a bit unfocused.
>You thought for a moment,hoof to your chin.
"Well, yesterday I checked my library, as I do every week. Spike let somepony return a book with a page ripped clean out!"
>Luna groaned.
>"Oh. The horror."
"I know! He didn't even make them pay the damage fees, he just let them walk!"
>Cadance snorted.
>You were doing this right, right?
"Oh, and then the lights in the library were winking off and on! Turns out, Discord was just playing a prank on 'his favorite alicorn'." You quoted venomously.
>Your glass was half-gone already. You hadn't remembered drinking that...
"Then I couldn't find a book on dragon mating habits. Spike is getting to 'that' age, I want him to be prepared when the urges hit."
>The three choked on their drinks, Luna actually bursting into laughter.
>Cadance's laughter turned into wheezing.
>"Oh, oh, that's too good! Twilight's going to teach Spike how to masturbate!"
>Blood rushed to your face in a hurry.
"I-I'm not, Anon is!"
>Oh. Wrong wording.
>The playful tittering turned into outright howls, Celestia putting her hoof on her face to stifle herself.
>Cadance fell off of her chair, Luna leaned heavily onto the table to breathe.
>You silenced yourself with a long, steady drink from the glass, praying Anon never heard about this.
>Suddenly, there wasn't anything left in your glass...and you started feeling a little off.
>In a flash, another drink had replaced the one you had finished.
>Apparently there was a tab.
>"Speaking of Anon, how is he?"
"He's...himself, I guess." You replied after a moment. "He's holding down the fort at home, as there wasn't a seat for him at the Games this year."
>Celestia nodded.
>"It was such short notice, I'd have guaranteed him a seat otherwise."
"He's not angry, said there was a project he wanted to work on anyway."
>"Yes, yes, that's all well and good...but I wanted to hear something embarrassing." Luna muttered. "I can't walk into his dreams, his blasted immunity extends into his very mind."
>You deliberated for a moment.
>Well...you all were here to have fun...
>...and Anon wouldn't know about this...
"Well...he does this thing in the middle of the night." You started.
>All eyes were on you, immediately interested.
"He occasionally starts...chewing on his pillow." You said with a grin.
>"Mmhmmmm?"
"He then wakes himself up with a loud snort, asks if I heard it, then goes back to sleep before I can reply."
>Celestia snorted, a rosy tinge to her cheeks.
>"What do you do about it?"
"The first two or three times, I actually tried to respond. Now I just...kind of ignore it and go back to sleep."
>"How is he?" Luna asked, a large stack of shot glasses near her.
>Obliteration achieved.
"He's fine...?"
>"You know what I meeeeean!"
>You looked at the drunken Night Princess for a moment, as she gave you a half-lidded, lewd smile.
>It clicked.
"Ah! Th-that's personal!" You wailed, flushing again.
>"Hehehehehe, you forget I can dreeeeeamwaaaaalk~!"
>"Now now, Luna. Don't forget the number of embarrassing things YOU'VE done!" Celestia shot back in your defense.
>"Like what?"
>"Like a certain paparazzi you flashed two weeks ago?" Celestia said, arching an eyebrow.
>Now it was the Lunar Alicorn's turn to flush.
>"I...certainly don't recall that."
>"I do. I had to have that morning's paper entirely removed from the streets." The ivory mare retorted. "I could *easily* have that handed back out."
>"You. Wouldn't. Dare."
>"Try me."
>The two stared at each other for a moment, before breaking into drunken giggles.
>"You don't have that photo, do you?" Luna said, leaning back in the chair.
>"I don't, no." Celestia replied, similarly leaning back.
>Cadance's head hit the table, followed by snoring.
>"Well, looks like it's time to leave, then." Celestia said, sighing lightly.
>"Yes, it is. You did well, young Sparkle, you held out well."
>You only had one and a half glasses, though with the way Luna was swaying, she might have been seeing double.
>Celestia lifted Cadance onto her back.
>"Same as always, send the bill to me in Canterlot." She said to the barkeep as you all walked out.
>"Will do. I know you're good for it. Have a nice night, ladies."
>You followed, parting ways as you came to your room in the palace.
>"Sorry tonight was so short, would have been longer if Candycoat here could hold her liquor." Celestia teased. "Same time next month?"
"Wouldn't miss it."
>You stepped into your room, placed your crown on your nightstand, and settled into bed.
>You slept like a foal that night.
===