>You vault over the railing and grab hold of the dangling line leading to the ground.
>’Don’t want this, she’s waiting for us, please no.’
>You’ll never get far in life if you aren’t willing to take some risks Ricky Retardo.
>’Not nice, just want simple day, lunch with Rarity, she nice too.’
>You begin climbing down and are about halfway there when you hear the door to your room open up.
>T: “ANON!”
>’Look, she mad now, just go back.’
>She throws her head over the window and stares down at you looking back up with a smile.
>T: “We had plans today!”
“Nah, you had plans with that other guy,” you jump to the floor safely, “I’m late for a date with what’s her face.”
>T: “Don’t make me come down there.”
>You moonwalk away, middle finger extended all the way to the gate.
 
>The guards stop you as you approach the gate.
>They can’t be much worse than those dogs, though their armor holds the tell-tale signs of master craftsmanship.
“Sup kids, which trash bin’d you rummage through to find those?”
>G1: “Cute, but insults don’t get you far in life.”
“They got me this far. Anything else you got rotting in that cranium of yours?”
>G2: “Watch your tone. Now, name and registration.”
“Okay, I apologize for the tone so let’s see if this helps, “you reply dryly, “My name’s Suckmydickpig and my registration? Unzip me and find out yourself.”
>Those two look pissed! Woohoo!
>G2: “As much as I’d like to whip out my magnifying glass I’ve better things to do.”
“Whoa now slick I said me, not your partner here.”
>G1: “What’s the punishment for assaulting a civilian again?”
>G2: “Depends if he’s resisting arrest.”
“Resisted. The former implies I’ll fail limp dick.”
 
>You wedge your way between them and push them apart softly.
“Now if you two will excuse me, I have a date to get to.”
>G1: “We’re not done with you yet,” he says laying a hoof on you.
“Touch me again and you’ll wish you were aborted as a filly.”
>G2: “You threatening a member of the royal guard?”
“No. I’m making a promise to a small fry with a big ego.”
>You overpower them with your unflinching demeanor and stay still, back turned.
>G1: “Uh-,” he moves his hoof away, “Move along civilian.”
>G2: “What’re you doing? Don’t tell me he’s intimidating you.”
>You stop as the first guard interrupts you.
>G1: “Intimidated. The former implies he’ll fail.”
“Not quite, but you get points for trying. Don’t contract syphilis while I’m away.”
>You walk briskly into the bustling city and check your invisible watch.
>Time for some fun.
 
>You walk past one of the stalls lining some of the more crowded streets of the city and take a look-see.
>?: “Just browsing?”
“Thinking about it,” you pick up a prospective apple and give it a sniff, “Quality good right here. What’s the story?”
>?: “Fresh off the train from Ponyville. Best apples this side of Equestria.”
>You nod inspect it, burrowing a finger nail into the bottom of the apple.
“Don’t you have problems with the stock?”
>?: “I don’t follow.”
>You hold up the bottom of the apple and display the small hole your made.
“Worms love apples.”
>?: “Aww crap!” He hushes himself immediately as not to draw attention.
“Might want to take better care of your product. What would your customers say?”
>?: “Look, we can make a deal right? What would it take for you to keep quiet about this?”
>You scratch your chin and hide your grin.
“Well…”
 
>The bag of apples bob behind your back and you take a bite of one such prize, savoring the juicy nectar.
>’Bad man, this wrong, should feel bad, you don’t.’
>Are you still here? Damn, just choke on a dick or something.
>’No, bad memories, don’t think, don’t-‘
>You shut him out as you eye another target.
>Rich, slick hair, button down vest, monocle, real suave pompous attitude.
>Anon you know how to pick ‘em.
>You change your course to intercept him and you two bump into each other.
“Oh crap, I’m so sorr-“
>?: “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?! Kids these days…”
>He puffs his chest and continues on his way as you count your bounty.
>There’s about forty of these gold coins you wager.
>This may be pocket change for him, but it must be a lot for someone.
>What to spend it on?
 
>You’ve still got some time before you meet up with that blue chick so you roam around just because.
>The seedier districts are filled to the brim with thieves, prostitutes and all other manners of filth you can imagine in a city.
>Just your kind of people.
>The world’s oldest profession sounds pretty good right now, but you’re not in the mood for some of dat flank.
>Then what to do?
>Every set of eyes here to the sewers is likely trained on you as you speak.
>Well you got the food already, why not get some beer?
>You spot a couple drunkards stumbling out a bar, a mare on each side of them as they slur themselves into a coma.
>They’ll be in for a real nasty headache.
>You move into the back alley and give it a round of knocks.
 
>The eye panel slides open and you have to kneel down to peer through at the silver eyes staring back at you.
>?: “What’s your interest?”
“Depends what you’re selling.”
>?: “You a guard?”
“Would a guard be stupid enough to tell you?”
>?: “Yes actually.”
“Then no, I’m not.”
>His eyes say it all as he opens the withered door and lets you inside.
>?: “Now,” the stallion locks the door behind you, “What can I get for  you?”
>Alcohol. It’s pungent odor hits you like a freight train.
>A form of salt lies on the table top, blocks of the substance nearby.
“Whatever I can get from this.”
>You place your bits on the counter, the dealer counting them out.
>?: “Quite a bit.”
 
>Where is she? You sit on the rooftop and take a swig from your bottle.
>*cough* Fuck this shit is strong. It’s like someone took a sledgehammer, placed a spike between your toenail and…
>’Don’t think, not good, painful thoughts, why you think that?’
>For that very reaction you pussy.
>The sky’s positively garbage looking this time of day. Who likes clear blue skies anyhow? Pansies the lot of them.
>You spot a bullet shooting through the sky, well not a bullet but a fast fucker all the same.
>She lands directly next to you and wipes the sweat off her head.
>RD: “Woo, sorry about that. Got caught up in weather patrol. Even here I can’t escape from work.”
“It can do that I imagine. Still, you took your damn sweet time. I’ve seen penguins fly faster than that.”
>RD: “But they don’t-“
>You raise your bottle in the air before she hits you in the chest.
 
“Anyone tell you you’re easy to rile up?”
>RD: “Anyone tell you you’re a dick?”
>’She right, you are.’
“Right now in fact.”
>RD: “I don’t follow.”
“You know… Voices in your head? Constantly blabbering about some such thing? You don’t have those?”
>RD: “Can’t say I have,” she laughs.
“Well it is annoying, rest assured.”
>RD: “So what you got in the bag?”
>You’d almost forgotten about your hidden prize. You pass the bottle and rustle through your bag as she takes a gulp.
>RD: *cough cough* “Holy… This is some good stuff right here! Where’d you score it?”
“A shop down on the east side. A little money goes a long way.”
>You explain how you came across the booze and she looks at you with contained disgust.
>RD: “Joking aside, that’s just wrong. You should return this stuff.”
 
“Pfft, you going to rat me out?”
>RD: “I will if you don’t.”
>You laugh and take a bite of an apple.
>RD: “This isn’t funny dude. Stealing’s still a crime. You could get locked up big time.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m a VIP up in that castle. They wouldn’t throw me back in jail for something as petty as theft. Hell I’d have to kill a man.”
>You feel around for another bottle but find a cube of salt instead and think ‘what the hell?’
>RD: “It’s still wrong. I’m sure we could-“ she eyes the cube in your hand, “What’s that?”
“I don’t have a fucking clue. The guy said it was supposed to do something, but I forget.”
>She steals the block from your hand and sniffs at it.
>RD: “This is quality salt. The last batch I had was off in Appleloosa and that was low grade.”
“Feel free to help yourself. Just leave some for me.”
>You can see her debating this internally, but you lay a hand on her.
“It’s not a crime if you don’t get caught.”
>RD: “Doesn’t work that way.”
“Says who?”
 
“Laws are arbitrary limits placed on society to hinder our personal enjoyment. Just sit back and enjoy what life has to offer, fuck. You sound like Twilight.”
>RD: “Even an egghead can be right sometimes.”
“She can also be wrong,” you steal back your bottle and whirl your head back.
>You spy her take a lick and the ends of your lips curl, her mouth hanging open ever so slightly.
>RD: “Whoa…”
>You snicker as she stares at her own hooves in front of her and holds them up.
>RD: “They’re like- waves in an ocean. So colorful.”
>When she sees her tail her eyes almost pop out of her head.
“It can’t be that good.”
>RD: “Dude, seriously dude, d-dude seriously. You have to try some.”
 >The block’s a bit moist in your hand from the saliva making it disgusting but also sort of arousing.
>You go ahead and give it a whirl, but you don’t feel the effects.
>At least not at first.
 
>Everything seems to move slower, a trail of vibrant colors trailing everything you see.
>RD: “It’s like, crazy dude.”
>’Strange colors, look pretty, feel weird though, should stop.’
“Shut up voices in my head.”
>RD: “Yeah dudes. Like, leave him alone.”
>You fall to your back with Rainbow Dash as the sky swirls in an orgasmic display of colors and twisting twirls.
“Still want me to turn this stuff in?”
>RD: “What stuff?”
>The hell were you thinking? What stuff? Shit you don’t even know.
“This is so weird,” you pass over the salt and she takes another lick.
>RD: “Dude you know what- dude what we should do?”
“No idea bra.”
>RD: “We should totally get wasted.”
“But- aren’t we already?”
>She looks like you just blew her mind.
>Salt’s a hell of a drug.
 
>You stumble across the rooftop with Dash, bottle in each hand. One for you and one for her obviously.
>You’re not a drunkard after all.
>She stumbles but you catch her, that makes it the sixth time.
“O-okay Dash. I got another one.”
>RD: “Hit me.”
>You slap her across the face and nearly piss your pants in laughter when she begins cracking up.
>RD: “I- ha! I said hit me,” she struggles for air, “And you did. HA!”
>You try to pick her up by the hoof but you’re so busy laughing you end up falling flat next to her.
>RD: “But- but really what was it?”
>You look deep in her eyes, those twinkling cherry red eyes.
“Are you sure?”
>She nods and you take a deep breath.
“Poop.”
>Hope they like their new yellow stained roof.
 
>You roll away from the stream making its way between her legs and are hard pressed to contain yourself.
>’Little word, simple meaning, why so funny?’
>Oh you’re just a little killjoy now aren’t you?
>You hold your stomach as things begin to die down, the colors fading back to their less excessive variants.
>The world could always use a little bit more color.
>Rainbow Dash seems to still be jittery from her high.
>Whatever they put in that stuff must be designed for equine biology.
>Your system likely filters it out much faster than they would, and considering the size difference between you…
>Who’s this nerd railing off inside your head? Oh wait, that’d be you.
>Your parents must be so proud of you.
>Or they would’ve been if they…
>RD: “Why am I wet?”
 
>She sniffs and curls her nose.
>RD: “Eeeew!” She hits you in the arm, “Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I’m sorry. I missed the memo where I was supposed to be your bladder. Give me a sec…”
>You place the bag behind your head and lay on her belly.
“Attention Rainbow’s bladder. Please turn off that faucet before you end up drowning the entire city.”
>Another wave comes out and you have to pull back just to escape the tide.
>A shriek comes out from the road down below and the two of you just snicker.
>RD: “Who’d we hit?”
“We? I ain’t taking blame for you Ms. Niagra Falls. How much do you drink dear god…?”
>That shit just keeps leaking out. She needs to get her plumbing checked out ‘cause damn!
>You peer over the side, a damp mare bawling her eyes out running down the street.
>RD: “My tummy hurts.”
“That’s what happens when you store a year’s supply of piss.”
 
>None of them seem to know where the splash came from despite the constant dripping.
>Dumb ass ponies.
>Still, one of them might have more than a dozen brain cells and find out where you are.
“Pack your shit RD we’re leaving.”
>She groans as she falls on her face after several failed attempts to get up.
>RD: “Can you help me up?”
>You can smell the piss and alcohol soaked deep in her coat and along her legs.
>RD: “Come on dude.”
>Fuck that shit.
>You put your hand in the bag and grasp her before pulling her up.
>’Hand wet, she wet, with stuff, pig disgusting.’
>RD: “Thanks bro.”
“Don’t mention it,” you shake your hand in the air trying to dry it off.
>More alcohol.
 
>After escaping the scene of the crime you move north to the more fancy parts of the city.
>RD: “So,” she starts coming off her high, “What’s wrong with your hooves?”
“What’s wrong with your face?”
>RD: “I was born with it.”
>And she thinks that you weren’t?
“It’s just how my people evolved, my nimble fingers are capable of manipulating the smallest of things.”
>RD: “Sounds nifty.”
“You should see me in the sack. Compared to you guys I have the sexual stamina of a god.”
>RD: “You hitting on me?”
>Ok that escalated rather quickly.
“Maybe after you take a shower,” you sniff, “or three.”
>She grins seductively and flips her mane across her neck.
>RD: “That’s all it’d take?”
“Look over there!” you try and change the subject.
 
>She squints her eyes only for them to widen in surprise.
>RD: “I didn’t even see them over there. You got some real eyes in your head.”
>What’s she on about? You also look to where she did.
>Okay there’s a café, p0nies, the usual, faggot waiter, faggot fucking another faggot in the alleyway for spare change…
>There has to be something. You see two unicorns conversing with one another, one purple the other white, one named Tinkle Splooge the other R- Ra- Damn you’re losing your touch. REAMED! That’s her new name.
“Well shit.”
>RD: “Something wrong?”
“I was supposed to go with them to that damn thing.”
>RD: “You ditched them for me? Anon, I’m blushing here.”
>You punch her, not quite as soft as she was expecting causing her to fall over again.
“I’m not picking you up.”
>She flutters her wings and stands up without a hitch.
>RD: “Didn’t need you to.”
 
“You conniving harlot! You made me hold onto your piss soaked hoof for nothing?”
>RD: “Just about. Think of it as a test.”
>Test, like tests, good at them, always easy, so- Shut up.
>RD: “You may be a dick, but you’re not heartless.”
>A light bulb shines in your head as an idea hits you.
“Nothing wrong with being a dick now and then.”
>RD: “It can be fun,” she admits, “but I don’t make it a habit.”
>You silence her with a wave of your hand and take a look to the sky.
“You’re in weather patrol right?”
>RD: “Sure am, best flier-“
“Yeah whatever. How accurate are your reports?”
>RD: “Umm, dang. Wait! Around 90-95%.”
“So you guys get it wrong sometimes?” She nods.
>RD: “We only manipulate the weather to suit our needs. Why do you ask?”
“I’m thinking of knocking that down a point.” You look to her, “But I need your help.”
 
>You crouch by the roof of the café as a single cloud slowly inches its way across the sky.
>The alcohol helps pass the time as you wait for the moment of truth.
>It must be killing her to be moving so slow, but you made her do it.
>Clouds don’t move that fast on their own and you don’t want to attract suspicion for something so minor.
>One mistake and you’d get caught, but you’re very thorough.
>Comes with being a clinical genius you guess.
>Not everyone can be blessed with a gift for crime.
>Actually… Now that you think about it crime isn’t that hard.
>It’s just planning, acting, cleaning.
>Any Thespian Latino with foresight could do it.
>She’s almost in position and you caw like a bird to signal her.
>Her eyes pop out of the cloud and you give her a nod.
 
>She gets to the top and taps the cloud with her hoof turning the snow white mist into a dark grey.
>The rays from the sun shine a little brighter as you marvel at this development.
>Your mind wonders just how this is possible.
>No natural evolution could lead to this, it’s too extreme.
>An organism adapts to better thrive in its environment.
>You hold the side of your head painfully and push away the thoughts.
>It’s not that easy to take me out you retarded fuck.
>’Not me, I calm, you crazier than me, not good sign.’
>A crack of thunder snaps you out of your trauma and you spot the scattering equines.
>Two still remain, each comically covered in black soot, their eyes blinking slowly.
>Rarity’s ears twitch and you can see the numbers counting down before she goes nuclear.
>Rainbow Dash lands next to you.
>RD: “Three, two, one…”
>R: “Bbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-“
 
>You hold onto Rainbow’s side as you head back up the road to the castle.
>She got plenty clean in that cloud, though she had to take another shower after she near pissed herself again.
>Seriously, she has an inter-dimensional portal in her bladder that opens whenever she laughs.
>’Rainbow Dash and the Infinite Bladder’, coming to a store near you.
>It’ll be a Canterlot best seller right behind, ‘Douching: Anon’s Way.’
“Damn I haven’t had this much fun in forever.”
>RD: “You weren’t quite the lame duck I thought you’d be either.”
“Good one, I almost laughed.”
>RD: “I’ve heard goats with better sarcasm than that.”
“No, I was legitimately about to laugh.”
>RD: “Really?”
“Of course not you dunce.”
 
>You hand over your bag to her as you reach the gate as you’re unwilling to give them the satisfaction of taking your contraband.
>RD: “We gonna make this a habit?”
“Sure, why not? As long as I’m not too much for you to handle.”
>RD: “Is that a challenge I hear?”
>You shrug and part ways with her.
“Till next time Dash.”
>RD: “See you around.”
>The guards look you over as you come walking over.
“You fucks still here? I thought you all had passed out from your hard work.”
>G1: “We’ve just been-“
>G2: “Don’t!”
“Standing around? Yeah, that’s what I meant.”
>G2: “You had to open your fat mouth didn’t you?”
“He didn’t have shit in his.”
 
>You can’t help but grin as he fumes over your constant remarks.
>G2: “I swear if you weren’t some hot shit…”
“Whoa now boy,” you hold your hands up and walk back to the castle slowly, “I don’t roll that way.”
>G2: “What?”
>His partner actually manages to chuckle, you thought they’d lost all sense of emotion.
>G2: “I don’t get it.”
>G1: “It means he’s not gay.”
>G2: “I never said he…”
>You stop, your grin growing even wider as the gears churn in his thick skull.
>G2: “You mother-!” the other guard holds him back when he attempts to charge you.
“You’re a tough guy,” you walk closer, “but don’t test your luck.”
>G2: “If it weren’t for this armor I’d be all over you.”
>His partner chuckles and you join him shortly, your face turning grim.
 
“Listen close you dickless fuckwit because I’m only going to say this once. Don’t try and fuck with me. I’ve been through the bowels of hell and drank of the rancid water that infests that hole. If you want to live, you’ll back off. IF you persist, I will show you exactly what it means to walk through the valley of death, only you won’t be walking. I will drag you through the wasteland’s of darkness and shove forks through your eyes, forcing you to ingest your own entrails until the only sensation you’ll remember is the sting of acid as it melts away your genitals. And you’ll beg for death, but I won’t give it to you, not until that light in your eyes fade, until that fire within you is extinguished, until all emotion and strength is pulled from your body… Only then will I grant you release. Capisce?”
>He nods slowly, the plating of his armor shaking ever so slightly.
>You’re surprised he’s doesn’t have a trickle down his leg.
>Oop! There it is.
“Well then, good day gentlemen,” you bow and walk back to the castle.
 
>Stretching your arms you pull off your shirt and throw yourself on your bed.
>Oh you beautiful sheets of whatever you are, you’re the only one who understands me.
>Maybe tommor- What the hell is this? What kind of piece of shit blanket is this?”
>’That mine, put down, make safe.’
>You whistle innocently and open the window, tossing it off without a care in the world.
>He screams at you as it drifts off in the breeze and you shut the door.
>You’re letting all the hot air out after all.
>Your mother always said never to…
>Gah… Not the pain again. You aren’t coming back out!
>’Not me anyways, dick.’
>You grab the edge of the bed and sink to the floor, arms locking around yourself.
“I’m not going to let you- control me. This is my body now.”
>It’s so bright… so god damn bright…
>Tired… Maybe you should just close your eyes…
 
>Celestia’s POV
>?: “And you did what?!”
“My hooves were forced. What did you expect? I couldn’t pardon him for this. There are still laws.
>?: “Laws?! Laws are just arbitrary limits placed on society to hinder our free will! Dismiss him of these charges at once.”
“I cannot. He must go to trial. This case is already under investigation by-“
>?: “Don’t tell me. The infamous Twilight Sparkle. Bah! Save the world from a few bad seeds and suddenly you’re a hot shot.”
>He growls in frustration and sits rubbing his closed eyes.
>?: “I want this clean. You get him out of jail and back on the road to recovery.”
“I’ll do what I can.”
>?: “See to it that you do. Who was it anyways?”
“A member of the guard, gate duty.”
>?: “Wonder what angered him so… Anyways, dismissed, and don’t fuck this up.”
“Yes sir.”