>waking up you're greeted to the distinct taste of red wine, chocolate, weed smoke and popcorn on your tongue
>you cringed for the first time today before even opening your eyes
>that must be some kind of personal record
>you look down and is momentarily taken back by the cute
>tired eyes lay closed shut as Crack Pone lay on her back with the back of her head buried deep in your lap
>she has salivated on your pants leg and continued to do so
>for a mare that had such a tired face she looked real peaceful in her sleep
>a peace that was about to be interrupted
>you remember you promised her to join her at some party in exchange that she took a day to relax
>you dreaded social gatherings
>welp, time to become Windshield-washer-fluid-tier wasted
>you go to get up but notice the pone is still in the way
>well fuck
>carefully you manage to reach one of the red wine bottles from last night
>you take a few sips
>best start now to get the day over with as quickly as humanly possible
>and it's never too early for a glass of wine
>you look at your watch
>12 pm
>not that bad all things considering
>deciding to let the little horsie in your lap sleep a little while longer you turn on the TV for some morning news
>you remember the first time you tried to Wake Crack Pone up
>lifting her up and shaking her didn't work
>the TV won't to shit to disturb her sleep
>and if it goes on for too long you can simply pour some wine on her
>liquid seems to do the job just fine
 
>not 'til after an hour later does Crack Pone finally start to stir
>"Uhmm. Mornin', anon."
"Morning"
>you didn't look down to greet her
>you were too busy changing channels
>Firlly Fillies in Tiaras?
>nope
>Gråfether the Griffin and his Monday Morning Misogyny?
>yes pls
>to say that Equestrian television lacked a spectrum was putting it mildly
 
>"Anon why are you so friggin' warm? Is i- Boner... BONER!"
>you raise the volume a few bars now that she's awake
"It's just morning wood, don't flatter yourself."
>"You let me sleep on your- Boner?"
>gone were the days were you gave a shit about what a drug addict had to say
"You slept on it, I didn't consent."
>Crack Pone looked flustered
>you heard a banging at the door
>saved by the bell
>you move Crack Pone out of the way and walk down to inspect the noises, wine bottle still in hand
>"Good day sir! I do apologize for the noise, you didn't tell me your door was made of such wood."
>it was the stallion you paid to install a lock in your door.
>he was fiddling with a few drills and hammers all controlled in pretty auras of magic
>his smile faded once he set eyes on Crack Pone creeping up from behind your legs
>"Please don't tell me you're housing this parasite?"
>Crack Pone looked ready to bite a fuckers ear off
>she probably would have to had you not stepped in
"Quite the opposite my dear colt.She's housing me."
>"I beg your pardon?"
>Crack Pone looked just as shocked as the older stallion
>"Say that again please, I do believe I'm getting old."
"Oh yeah, mistress Crack Pone owns this establishment, I am simply her butler."
>"What?"
>"What the fuck?"
>you give Crack Pone a nudge
>"Oh! Yeah that's right, bitch. Didn't think i'd be on top of the world did you, holmes."
>"I-I didn't know you were such a wealthy mare!"
>"Oh yeah I'm fucking rich bitch!"
>she really seemed to yell at this guy
>Crack Pone started stomping on the floor with to emphasize her words to the pounds of her hoof
>"Look. At. This. Fucking. Floor,"
>she took a exaggerated breath and resumed stomping
>"It's. Worth. More. Than. Your. Shitty. Store. Faggot!"
"Don't you think the poor stallion has had enough, mistress?"
 
>"You're right, anon. Make us some juice, chop chop!"
>don't push it
>you make your way into the kitchen
>you can still see the happening at your front door from behind the kitchen counter as you peal oranges
>"Locksmith, when are you done?"
>the stallion screwed in a final screw before humbly nodding
>"Good, now get off my property! Peasant!"
>Crack Pone slammed the door shut
>"Ahahahah, you should have seen the look on his face!"
>Crack Pone trotted over to you with a skip in her step
>"I can't believe how fun being a rich asshole is, how do you not spend every waking moment berating people?"
"I don't know, self control?"
>"Pah! We should find more assholes and let me prance all over their pride again!"
"I think we've had enough roleplay for today."
>shoving a few pealed oranges into a squeezer you soon see the precious yellow liquid emerge from a tap
"OJ?"
 
>"Make that a Screwdriver."
"Starting early too, huh?"
>"You know it. Can't let the old man drink alone, now can I?"
>you lean down to the old liquor cabinet to fetch some vodka
"How do you even know how old I am. I mean you have no reference."
>"Whaddaya mean?"
"You don't see humans every day, you don't even know how old we get."
>she stood like a question mark
"I could be half the age of the princesses or five summers old and you'd never know."
>"You're fucking with me."
"No, I'm serious. Have you never thought about it? That's like one of the first things I thought about when I came to this place, how old you ponies get."
>"How old are you though?"
>she really seemed curious now
"I'm in my prime."
>"Fair enough, how old do you guys get?"
"Older than you. Ponies get about 30-40 years, right?"
>"ja-ha. We can get older with spells and stuff."
"Alright, humans get around 85 something, give or take."
>"Woah, that's pretty long. How do you manage?"
"Excuse me?"
>"How do you manage to get up every single morning for 80 years?"
"Oh, well. I'm not 80 so I couldn't tell you."
>she snickered
"How old are you? You seem, young adult'ish'."
>"I... I don't remember."
"Damn."
>"What??"
"You really don't remember how old you are?."
>"Not really, even if I did, what are the chances that equestrian years and human years are the same?"
>she got you there
>only problem was that with her lifestyle that time might be severely shortened
>but you weren't the preachy type
>she never asked you to be
 
>you finished your drinks and took the early hours of the day to do some shopping
>the fact that this horse tried to fuck you still lingers in your mind
>shush, anon. they're not the same species like back on earth, it doesn't count as sick fuckery
>not that it would come to that
>ponies were as attractive to you as stuffed animals for little girls
>cause that's what their exterior reminded you of
>excluding Crack Pone though
>she looked like an abandoned stuffed animal left to linger in the streets
>"Anon! Does this look cute?"f
>you snap out of it and see that Crack Pone has come out of the changing room with a dress
>the fact that ponies felt the need for changing rooms when they were practically naked all the time was one of those stupid pony things that rubbed you wrong
"Yeah, real pretty."
>the dress was a plain looking blue minimalistic piece of clothing, couldn't have been made out of more than 10 parts of cloth
>but it did cover her scars and ribs nicely
>the mare excitement turned to frowns when she saw the price tag
>50 bits
>"Damn, I only have ten."
>you don't normally buy her stuff
>scratch that, you never buy her stuff
>she sips your wine and share your food, but you've never actually bought her anything
>it wasn't because you were a cheep bastard
>it was because that could ruin your relationship with her
>you didn't want her to look at you like a walking moneybag
>but the dress did really help cover her imperfections
>you dug through your pocket and fished out 50 bits
>walking over to her you got her attention and gave her the money
>she just looked at you oddly before smiling
>"I know you wanna be nice, but this is something I want to work for myself."
>wat
 
>"The bottle recycling business isn't going anywhere but I know this one mare, real nice gal. She promised me some work at her party establishment. You'll get to meet her later tonight."
"Well that's nice. What are you gonna do?"
>"Serve beer, maybe a bit of dancing. Whatever is needed around there."
"Fair enough, and the pay is good?"
>"It's fair. I haven't started yet though so we'll just have to wait and see."
>Crack Pone hoofed into you
>"Who knows, maybe it'll be me who brings in the meals in the near future."
"Who knows."
>Crack Pone went back into the shop and purchased a pair of sunglasses
>it did miracles in hiding her baggy eyes and most of her facial lines caused by the drugs
>"Anon, why don't you buy yourself some fresher rags?"
"I don't think they have anything my size."
>Crack Pone snorted
>"Well, you could loose some weight."
>this motherfucker
"What I meant was that these clothes aren't designed for m-"
>"Yeah, yeah I get it. Geez anon you'd think those nobles you hang with would pick on you more."
"They're a pretty sterile bunch, you've met them, remember?"
>"I did?"
"Yeah, at the beach, even started sniffing one poor mare's mane."
>"You're fucking joking! That's hilarious!"
"Anyways. we should probably get ready for the party."
>"You bought tequila?"
>you hold up a clear plastic bag and shake the bottle inside
>"Fuck yeah, this is gonna be awesome!"
 
>you were getting the salt for the tequila shots ready
>Crack Pone was outside probably scoring some coke
>as long as she didn't take the shit at your place was your rule
>and you stand by it
>while waiting for Crack Pone to come back you down a couple of shots yourself
>you didn't like tequila but fuck if you're gonna be sober while partying with magical alien space ponies
>suddently you heard a loud banging at the door
>you walk on by and open it
>"hola mi amigo, ¿qué pasa?!"
"What?"
>it was Crack Pone who somehow had gotten her hooves on a giant fucking sombrero
>"muy grande tequila sí sí! Taco Taco!"
"Is that Japanese or some shit?"
>"Burrito Burrito ai ai ai ai ai!"
"Just... Just get inside before more ponies see you."
>Crack Pone had the biggest grin on her face, her nose sporting a tinkle of blood
>"Oh man, hombre. Did you get the shots ready?"
"Yeah."
>"Yeah baby!! I brought a compadre if that's alright with you."
>Crack Pone was stretching her words as she hopped onto the couch
"I told you I don't want you inviting people I don't know over."
>"Anon, anon, anon annnnnnon~. Wait, no, yes. She's coo."
"I don't give a shit if she's cool or not."
>"Listen to me anon, you're giving up some baaad waves right, pucker up and chill. She's an equine, not an animal, she won't go all chewing on your furniture and shit everywhere."
"Motherfucker did I say she would spaz out? I don't want strangers in my house!"
 
>"You invited me into your house, how are you supposed to meed new people if you don't want to get to know to know want to get to know them?"
>wat
"Like, normal ways, over a cup of coffee, on the golf course, at a bar."
>"She owns a bar, that good enough you elitist prudy rudey nobble?"
"Fuck, there's no winning with you is there? You're dense as a brick."
>Crack Pone threw her hooves in the air with a big smile on her face
>"Yep!"
"Well fuck it, just let her in."
>stupid fucking ponies and their stupid fucking horse mouths
 
>"STRIPES, COME ON IN IT'S COOL!"
>the door budged and in came a tiny zebra mare
>the mare walked up between the both of you and looked at your body
>"You're right, crack. He's pretty tall, you weren't lying at all."
>Nooo
>not one of those rhyming zebra fuckers
>life is pain
>you immediately down a shot
>you'd have to get proper drunk if you were to make it through the night without killing yourself
"Welcome to my humble abode, Ms Stripes. For what do I owe the visit?"
>"Your friend Crack Pone wants to work at my bar, I would like someone to tell me how she truly are."
"She's nice enough, seems loyal."
>"You don't seem sure that her intentions are pure."
"Well, she did find my wallet and bring it back to me when she could have just taken it for herself, that's what made me trust her at least."
>"That's very good to know, I haven't seen her since a long time ago."
"Old friends?"
>"You could say that, before she had these drugs to combat..."
>so she knows about the drugs
>you'd hate to be the one to break it to her
>the mod in the room lowered at Stripe's comments but Crack Pone was determined to party her ass off and quickly changed the subject
>"Stripes, who wants to get FUCKING WASTED?!"
>Stripes looked at you for recognition
>when you nodded she passed you a grin and turned around
>The zebra shrugged and downed one of the many shots you've placed on the table
 
>the girls talked a lot trying to catch up
>Stripes blabbered on about how she managed her business and Crack pone went on and on about what ecstasy does to your spinal fluid
>all along your goal was to become as stupid fucking drunk as possible to be able to handle the night
>fuck, tequila tasted like goat piss after a few shots
>"So anon, how is your life treating you? Crack tells me you got most nobbles under a shoe."
"Good, I guess. I got a roof over my head and food every day, can't complain."
>"Humble, rich and not even fatigued, I can see why Crack is intrigued."
"Wat"
>"Wat"
>"A stallion and a mare living together, that only tells me one thing unless Anon is hell bent for leather."
>this zebra was shit at rhyming
"I'm not gay, even if I was i'm not attracted to ponies. Got it?"
">Oh i'm a believer, you're just a sucker for the jungle fever."
>Crack Pone and the zebra laughed in unison
"Cracky, are all your friends assholes?"
>"Yeeep."
>fuck
>"The hour is getting late, we do not want the party to wait."
>"Mah zigga is right, we should head on over right now now now~!"
"Alright, just gonna get my wallet and stuff, you two go ahead, I need to lock the place."
>you really wanted to lock the door behind the two little fucks and go to bed
>but you didn't
>and before you knew it the three of you were standing in front of the club
http://youtu.be/-cBPY0heKns
>loud ass music almost made your ears bleed
>"You invited me into your home so let me invite you into mine, can I offer you a nice glass of red wine?"
"Yes, please."
>being around all these horses made you feel like a fish out of water
>Zebras and ponies were evenly distributed around the place
>you turn to see the two mares had already made their way onto the dance floor
>yeah, no
>straight to the bar you go
>you slam a couple of bits on the counter
"Booze."
>the bartender hooks you up with a girly looking drink
>you don't give a shit and down it
"More booze."
 
>this goes on for a while until you ask the bartender for the strongest shit he's got
>bar my ass, these drinks were watered down as fuck
>"Well, sir. There is this one drink but it's very dangerous to drink if you're-"
"Gimme."
>"I am under law to warn you that if you are a-"
"Gimme, gimme, gimme."
>"A-alright."
>the stallion pours you a shot from what looks like a bottle that's spent a good amount of time underwater
>whatever
>you down the fucker in one gulp and immediately wish you didn't
>your heart feels like it's being poked with an icestickle every time it beats
>your face feels like newly washed dishes after you take them out of the washer
>your joints feel like they're backed up by industrial grade pistons
>fuck yeah you felt alive
"Need to take a piss, make more while I'm gone."
>"S-sir, you're not supposed to have more than one."
"Motherfucker I will kick you in the dick."
>fuck him, you need to take a leak
>walking into the stallion's bathroom you soon find a hole to piss in
>you see a dark blue stallion with an un-washed mane and scruff hiding a slightly bent inward cheek staring you down in utter surprise
>"You..."
"Me...?"
>"You HIT ME in the face with that rich boy golf club of yours"
"Nah, must have been some other gu- Wait, now I remember!"
>the stallion grunted steam in anger
"Yeah! You tried to steal my shit so I gave you a little something to remember me by."
>he mad now
>were was your smack talk coming from?
>this wasn't you at all
>"I'll fucking kill you, you little shit."
"Can you hold on a moment, let me piss first?"
>the fucker charged you
>you turned around on pure instinct and planted a foot in his face without realizing it
"Great, just fucking great! Now I got piss on my pants leg."
>you tuck your wiener aside and start stomping the motherfucker with your left foot
>you don't stop until you hear bones cracking
>unicorns are so very fragile
>the stallion started couching up blood
 
>you loomed over the broken fuck and dragged two fingers over his now bloodied jaw
>you stick your fingers in your mouth, savoring the taste
>"You-you're one sick *wheeze* One sick fuck."
"Not bad, not bad. Don't taste like the horse we have back home but I could get used to it."
>you saw the fear in his eyes and ruffled his mane while smiling
"Oh don't look at me like that, I don't eat roadkill."
>fuck this
>bo-ring
>you wonder what's going on outside the toilet
>you prop the stallion up and toss him into one of the bathroom stalls
>the guy had started to cry as you left the scene
>fucking baby
 
>you walk on over to the bartender again
>he's made ready one other drink for you
"Gimme."
>"Sir, Please. That's not a good idea-"
"Gimme!"
>you lay a handful worth of bits in front of the stallion and he hesitantly hoofs over the drink
>down you go motherfucker
>the second shot of the good stuff made your heart rate damn near triple
>you felt powerful enough to punch through walls
>you feel your face
>no glasses
>then how come the colors changed?
>who gives a shit, you're fucking invincible
>being edgemaster 3000 felt good
>you went over to that zebra bitch and the white one that sleeps on your couch
"What's up?"
>"We're having a party, anon. Wooo-hoo!"
"Fuck yeah we're having a party, motherfucker!"
>you lifted that tiny fucker up by her shoulders
>"HOH! HOH! HOH! HOH!"
"HOH! HOH! HOH! HOH!"
>you chanted like gorillas in unison
>Stripe walked over to the two of you with a gentle gyrating motion in her hips
>you turn from Crack Pone to her to see what she wants
"Who would have known big anon when drunk would be so full of spunk."
"You know it, ninja horse-"
>you took a deep breath, your heart feeling like it was gonna flat-line
>SHIT SHIT SHIT
>..oh never mind
"Your bartender is a wussy piece of fuck but a pretty cool fucker regardless!"
>Stripe mused
>"Yo anon!"
>since when did Crack Pone get a beanie?
>"You seem like you're ready for the next level!"
>I appreciate the offer but my only vice is alcohol
"DRUGS?! WHY YES I LOVE DRUGS!"
>that wasn't what you were supposed to say
>you placed crack pone down on the ground and looked at her as she started messing about with an old cigarette filter, half a soda can, heroin and a lighter
"You ready your shit, I need another drink."
>no anon, no!
 
"Bring me more of the sweet fluids!"
>"I-i'm sorry but no means no, you can't have more dragon's blood. It's incredibly harmful to one's body if tken in large doses, especially if you're a-"
"DON'T MAKE ME SCRAPE YOUR FACE OFF MY FINGERNAILS!"
>you pick up your wallet and start flinging bits at the guy
>"Sir, what- ouch! What in Celestia's name are you doing?"
"GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!"
>the stallion fought through the barrage of bits and managed to pour you another shot
>you're quicker than him though and snag the entire bottle
>you drop the rest of the content in your wallet at the other side of the bar counter
>no one would say you were a bad tipper
>as you chugged the bottle more and more the black outline of your vision became more and more prominent
>it didn't take long until your vision was reduced to a fraction of what it used to be
>you march through the sea of horses and spot Crack Pone and that zebra bitch at the corner were you left them
>without word you grab one of the two needles Crack Pone had readied up
>you inject it into your arm and watch as the black tar enter your body
>nothing
>you don't feel a thing
>what the fuck
>frustrated you pull the needle out
>unfortunately the rough touch you had caused the needle tip to break off into your arm
>whatever
"...More."
>"You sure about that, anon?"
"More! More!"
>"Alright, man!"
>after you inject your second needle and accidentally break this one off in your veins as well
>your vision turns completely black and your brain tunes out
...
 
 
 
>strings of consciousness enters your mortal husk
>you're greeted to a beautiful sunrise
>your entire body feels impaled
>you get a look at something laying over you before your eyes fail you
>"Oh my god, there he is!"
>"Is he even alive?"
>"ANON! ANON!"
>the strange voices soon turns to nothing more than lies on the wind as your ears decide to call it quits as well
>the lat thing you remember is being turned on your side
 
>---
 
>"Anon, I know you're in there."
>splash of water hits your face but your brain barely registered it
>you open your eyes again to fins Crack Pone and Stripe looking at you with concern
"Wha-?"
>words failed you
>your throat felt like Satan's clawing board
>"Don't worry about it anon, in your bed you now thrive, stay still for you are lucky to still be alive."