>be The six million bit anon in Equestria
>After selling the ballpoint pen as patent to the princesses you were positively loaded with cash/bits
>you didn't know quite how much you were worth since equestrian currency worked a bit funky but it was enough to get you into the Canterlot Country-club
>after spending the afternoon getting reked by unicorns at golf you say your goodbyes and head home
>your apartment is nothing special, slightly upper class just to get the hang of how things work here in horse-land
>as you approach the northern side of the canterlot castle you know you had to pass one of the neighborhoods in equestria you should stay out of
>according to Fancy Pants
>while making your way through the shitty neighborhood you feel the distinct force of magic pulling at your golf clubs
>before you manage to react the mystical force has snatched four of your favorite clubs
>the clubs are all guided inside an alleyway on the other side of the street
>stoprighttherecriminalscum.jpg
>you dash over the road and into the alleyway, ready to kick some thieving pony's candy ass
>you see a dark blue stallion with an un-washed mane and scruff staring you down in utter surprise
>"How did you find me!? The plan was perfect!"
"I followed my golf clubs."
>stupid fucking horses
>he facehoofs and magics over your clubs
>"I knew I missed something."
>he grumbled
"Yeah whatever, just don't let me catch you doing this again. You hear?"
>the stallion nodded vigorously in agreement
>"oh yes yes, won't happen again sir, never again!"
>it was faint at first but you could distinctly make out the magical aura surrounding his horn
>ohshit.exe
>better safe than sorry
>you haul ass over to him, closing the distance
>swinging like a piston you hit him right over the head with one of your golf clubs
>after the stallion hit the ground you could hear an assortment of bricks and sharp objects fall behind you, being released from their magical grip
 
 
>walking out of the ally you inspect your golf club and sigh
>mental note to buy new 4 iron
>you nonchalantly check your wallet for some change that could be used on one if you happened to pass a sporting goods shop on your way home
>only if it wasn't for the fact that you couldn't for the life of you find it
>patting yourself down panic strikes you as you get a sinking feeling in your chest
>you've been robed
>shit shit shit
>feeling a tug on your leg you turn around ready to bash whatever thieving vermin in the face with another one of your golf clubs
>price be damned his was a matter of principle
>what your eyes meet isn't what you'd prepared for however
 
 
>looking up at you was a filthy, unwashed mare with a raggity mane
"Jesus Christ lady, have you just come home from the war?"
>realizing that she wasn't going for your precious golf clubs and that she wasn't going to rob you, you turn to apologize but the mare snorts out a giggle before you're able to
>"he he, no man. You lost your wallet when you were chasing down Gobbler."
>she turns around to fondle her saddlebags with her mouth before pulling out your wallet and handing it to you
>taking a second look at the mare it wasn't hard to see that she was malnourished, an idea sticks to your inner lobe like cinema gum to a shoe
>you take the wallet out of her mouth and place it back into your pocket
>it had a little bit of saliva on it but seeing how this mare was an earth pony that wasn't really her fault
"Thank you so much, that was very noble of you miss...?"
>the pony was looking into space before reacting at your words and snap back into attention
>"Crack Pone"
>well that explains it
"Miss Crack pone. As a sign of my gratitude I would like to invite you to dinner."
>Crack Pone ogled for a minute before walking a full round around you analyzing you with piercing eyes
>"I don't see a stick up your butt. What's the deal?"
"Oh, well I didn't mean to-"
>"You're not from here, are you?"
"I don't rightly suppose I am."
>"And let me take a wild guess"
>she stepped uncomfortably close to you, forcing you to look straight down to be able to maintain eye contact
>"You've been hanging out with nobles."
"Why yes. I'm actually on my way back home from the country club right now."
>"Country club, huh? That's cute."
"Nevertheless, my offer still stands. I know this really nice restaurant not long from here-"
>"Can you cook?"
"Excuse me?"
>"The nobles didn't teach you about how polite it is to cook a mare a meal? "
>well shit
>not being one to back down from a challenge you up the ante
"What did you have in mind?"
>the mare seemed to produce more saliva at the prospects of an actual meal
>"Mac and Cheeese."
>she seemed to be slurring her words slightly, or had she done that the entire conversation?
"Are you sure?"
>"Positive."
>well shit, bye bye exclusive swordfish-on-a-cob
>pony food was weird
 
>you eventually make your way over to your apartment, conversing in small talk all the way
>"he he, oh wow, Anon. You actually thought my birth-name was Crack Pone? It's just a nickname!"
"My sincerest apologies, madam. What is your real name?"
>Crack Pone froze in her steps and looked strait forward with a blank expression
>you were about to ask what was wrong but she quickly snapped out of it and changed the subject
>"Are we there yet, anon?"
"Why yes, it's right up the street, you can see it from here."
you squatted down and leaned against her with one hand to get her attention and pointed with another
>realizing that you were invading her privacy you got off her instantly
>the more noticed your recoil and laughed gently
>"You don't need to act so formal around little old me, anon. Look!"
>she turned around 360 degrees before resuming
>"I don't have a stick in my butt either!"
>you allow yourself to laugh at her antics and lead her into your apartment
>"Woah, Anon. You don't have a lock on your door."
"Should I? There haven't been a crime In this neighborhood in decades, or so I've heard. Besides, the apartment didn't come with one."
>the mare tapped her hoof on her chin before replying
>"You never know, you might regret it someday."
>that came uncomfortable
>she didn't seem like the most upstanding of Celestia's citizens
>and now she knew were you lived and that you didn't have a lock
 
>get your shit together, anon
>she DID deliver your wallet to you without asking for anything in return
>she wouldn't steal form you
>you hope
 
 
 
>you lead her into your less-than humble abode and close the door behind her
>Crack Pone's eyes lid up as she walked through your living room
>she seemed fixated at all the glamour and trinkets placed around in your window stools
>your furniture were all hoof crafted in sandalwood lined with either granite or flake gold
>back home you weren't accustomed to living high society but since you had the funds here you figured you might as well spend it on something to look the part
>and look the part it did
>Crack Pone inspected the linings and turned to look at you
>she turned her gaze back at your luxurious apartment one more time before speaking up
>"Anon... Had I only known I'd keep your wallet."
>she snickers, easing the mood of the room with a toothy grin
>you smile
"So, Mac and Cheese was it?"
>"Yeah, if it's not too much to ask."
>you noticed the slight hint of sarcasm and showed her to the largest of your three couches
"Anything for my wallet saving hero, just make yourself at home, I'll be there in a minute.."
>"Not gonna lie, Anon. That's gonna be difficult."
>you wave her off as you make your way to the kitchen
 
>looking through a couple of cupboards you pull out some macaroni ready for cooking
>this should be easy enough
>you fire up a stove and place the content of the box within and add water like the pack of macaroni instructed you too
>while merrily cooking away you hear noises coming from the living room
>analyzing the sounds you realize Crack Pone found your LP player
> http://youtu.be/R82OM5tzcrk [Embed]
>shit
>she found your old-man music as well
>the things she must think of you
>you were considering going into the living room and damage control
>but the macaroni had other plans as your oven let out a static beep, indicating it was ready
>you take it off the stove and pour the water out into the sink
>the fact that you worried about what a drug addict thought about YOUR vices had you letting out a small grin to yourself
>sprinkling some cheese and adding a few leaves of lettuce you're happy with your the fact that your culinary skills managed to not fuck this up
 
>you bring both bowls of grub into the living room were you see Crack Pone fixated on your record player
>she seemed enticed with the way the LP spun around and around, following the labeled part of the record causing her head to swirl to keep up
>this was slightly more adorable than what should be considered legal
 
"Food's done!"
>she quickly snapped out of her trance and laid her eyes on the food being placed in front of her muzzle
"Refreshments?"
>you waited for a reply but Crack Pone's face was so deep into the bowl of mac&cheese you doubt she could hear you
>never before in your life had you seen anyone eat so messy
>she chomped down like she hadn't eaten in days
>and for all you knew that might have been the case
 
>you sat down in one of the smaller couches that stood next to her and started eating your own food
>getting to around your third bite you heard Crack Pone's bowl shoved across the table completely empty
>she leaned back and rubbed her belly with a satisfied look on her face
>the two of you locked eyes and she observed your bowl of barely eaten Mac&Cheese
>she let out a snort then started laughing
>"You're not hungry, anon? You've barely touched your food."
>You fork in another bite before responding
"I didn't expect you to chow down like a starving dog is all."
>you cover your mouth, horrified at your remark
>again she just laughed it off
>"Don't worry about it, anon. I'm sure you'd be able to keep up if we tried again."
>you ignore the sexual innuendo
"Watch me."
>you got up to get her another serving
>it was on now
>she continued as you took her bowl
>"Don't worry anon, nopony's blaming you if you eat like an old man. What with your taste in music-"
>she pointed a hoof at the LP still stringing out tunes
>"I wouldn't put it past you."
>this bitch
>you served up another portion and placed it on the table in front of her
>before sitting down you got your own bowl of the cheesy goodness and sat yourself next to her in the big couch
 
>you gave her an intense look
>she rolled out her tongue and made fart noises
>#shotsfired
>determinedly you grab your spoon and engage in a staring contest
>she licked her lips and held up her bowl with a condescending smile plastered on her face
"One."
>you bring your spoon to the bowl
"Two"
>with a ferocious hand you stick the spoon deep into your meal, piercing the layer of melted cheese with ease
"Three!"
 
>you launch spoonful after spoonful of macaroni into your open maw
>straining your jaw you chew like an elder god, swallow and repeat
>seeing the food rapidly disappear from your plate fills you with hope
>hope soon to be shattered as you afford to glance one look over to Crack Pone
>she was over halfway finished
>her mouth worked the food like a one way wood chipper, leaving nothing behind in the wake of cheese flying ever which way as she devoured her meal like a starving beat
>focus anon!
>you keep eating like your life depended on it but before long you hear the dreaded sound of Crack Pone's bowl sliding across the table
>"Done!"
>she looks at you with beaming eyes, obviously proud of herself
>you spare a glance down to your own bowl and see that you've barley finished half
"Not fair! Ponies have bigger mouths."
>she waved you off and licked her face for any remains of mangled cheese
>"Ohh, is somepony a sore looser?"
"Yeah whatever."
>you weren't a sore loser
>picking up both plates you return to the kitchen
"Want anything to drink?"
>"What 'a you have?"
"Wine juice, water, bourbon-"
>"Got any beer?"
"Sure."
>you look through the fridge, pulling out half a 6-pack
>walking back in you toss her a can which she misses, causing it to fall on the floor
>"I got it."
>she picks up the can and hand it to you
>with the can being all shaken up you replace the beer with another one and place it in front of her
>you sit down beside her and reach out for the remote
"Wanna watch a movie or something? I don't know if you're on a tight schedule."
>"Oh no, I'm fine. A movie sounds nice."
>you flip through the channels and find a flick only a few minutes in
>bless the ponies but their movies are boring as fuck
>you turn off your brain as Crack Pony gasps and awes at the ponies running around the screen
 
>halfway through the movie Crack Pone gently hoof you in the side
>you look down on her and notice she's gotten quite comfortable among the couch's vast assortments of pillows
>if you didn't know any better you'd say she made a makeshift pillow-fort around her
>it was more like a pillow-den though
>"Anon?"
"Hmm?"
>"What are you waiting for?"
"Waiting for what?"
>"I'm not stupid, Anon. I know why someone in your... Position would invite a mare like me into your house."
>you didn't like were this was going
"What do you- What do you mean, ms?"
>"You don't need to act stupid, anon. I know how this works."
>Crack Pone leaned out of her pillow-den and laid down on you on you, resting her head on your collar bone
>"Rich ponies often swap food for certain... Favors. Something they can use and toss away. I don't mind, anon. You were good to me."
>she rose her head and whispered into your ear
>"I'll be good to you~"
 
"OH WELL HEHE, YOU SEE-"
>"Hush, anon. You don't need to feel ashamed, nobles do it all the time."
"Oh. Yeah. Ehh. Well. You see, It's not that! I'm just not into horses. I mean no offence, I'm sure you're a lovely girl and all but I'm really not ready to take that step with someone not of my own species."
>she halted her advances and looked at you with big eyes
>a streak of surprise was present as she blinked her eyes a few times
>"Oh."
"Yeah."
>"So, you want me to leave?"
>she started to make her way of your shoulder before you intervened
"No! Stay, by all means I enjoy your company. You're my guest after all."
>Crack Pone got up and gave you a quizzical look
>"Are you serious?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
>she paused
>"I guess you're right, anon. Thank you."
"Don't mention it. Hey, do you want anything more to drink?"
>"A glass of water would be fine."
>she gave you a weak smile and curled up on the couch as you went out to get her a glass of ice cold water
 
 
you bring a glass over the kitchen sink and let the water run for a moment, allowing the water to cool
>what the fuck were you thinking?
>you can't just have a junkie around your house
>she was nice
>but junkies can change at the flip of a coin
>before you know it she's nicked all your stuff and OD'd on the money she's gotten from selling it
>grim train of thought but it couldn't be ruled out
>maybe it was for her own good that you shooed her away
>you entered the living room once more and see that the curled up ball of pone has retreated back into her pillow-den
"Ms?"
>you carefully place the glass down on the wooden table and inspect her tiny frame
>out like a light
>isn't it a bit early to fall asleep?
>you check your wrist watch
>five past ten 'o clock
>well shit
>you knew Equestrian cinema had horrible pacing but this was ridiculous
>turning off the TV you debate weather or not to let her crash here for the night or wake her up and tell her it's getting late
>you decide on the latter
"Ms Pone."
>no response
"Ms Pone it's getting late."
>you try to gently stir her a bit as to wake her up
>grabbing a hold of both shoulders you lift her up and sway her slowly from side to side
>"ZZZZzzzZZZZzzz"
>well shit
>she looked so content in her sleep that you didn't really want to wake her up
>placing her on top of the couch you bury her body in pillows, leaving just the head exposed
>you were getting tired as well
>turning off the lights in the kitchen you decide to make your way up to your own bedroom
>you unbutton your jacket and lazily toss your shirt aside
>sitting down on the bed you pull out the wallet Crack Pone saved from one of your pants pockets
>you smile at the contents of the wallet and run a thumb over the picture of your family back home on earth