Out Loud
 
 
It's surprisingly cool for a midsummer day, with a scattering of clouds that hang high in the pale blue sky. The train station is crowded, everyone's probably trying to get away for the start of the weekend.
 
Places like this have always interested me, people coming and going. Who's headed home? Who's the unlucky bastard headed for work? Well, not this guy. I've got the entire weekend off from my part time job, and have quite a few things planned. All of them hinge on one thing, though. Namely, the arrival of a certain passenger on the train that's pulling into the station.
 
The doors open and people begin to pour out, I'm scanning the crowds left and right for that familiar splash of blue-black hair, slightly shorter than she used to wear it in high school. But I can't see her anywhere, and as the new passengers begin boarding, I start to grow uneasy. I, uh. I am here on the right day, right? And this is the right train? I go to reach for my phone to double check the details we'd gone over, but before I can, I feel someone tapping my shoulder.
 
There she is, none other than my girlfriend of just over two years. The indomitable, incorrigible, adorable and surprisingly awkward at times Shizune Hakamichi. Always one step ahead of me, I see.
 
[You snuck off the train just to surprise me?] I sign, the familiar motions even more than second nature to me now. People passing us stare a little, but it doesn't bother me. It's so good to see her, with our crazy school schedules, my job and her internship, there just hasn't been time. Not to mention, for the past few months...
 
[I could have taken your wallet too. You're too careless.] She replies with a grin, but it seems forced. There it is, that hesitation again. For almost six months now, she's been busy, distracted, distant. She's barely had time to see me, she's always looked tired when we video chat, and in text she's been curt and to the point.
 
But she's here now, in town for our anniversary. There'll be time to catch up, time to unwind, I have it all laid out now that I'm sure I've got the right day at least. Here, when she's standing in front of me, she looks happy to see me, but exhausted at the same time. Has university life really been that big of a drain on her? I've managed to balance my own classwork with my job fairly well, I think. Seeing her like this, it's like she's growing up too fast. Well, we'll fix that. We'll make time.
 
Shizune stares back at me for a few moments, and then fidgets a little, something I'm not used to seeing, before her hands pick up again.
 
[Where are we off to now then? Tell me your big plans, I came all the way here to see you.]
 
[Of course.] I throw on a haughty expression. [If you'll just follow me to your chariot, we'll begin our evening out right away.]
 
I gesture to a car parked nearby, a beat up old tank on four wheels that my friends have nicknamed “the clunker”. An uncle of mine that was moving across the country had given it to me, and it's been my faithful ride ever since. It gets me from A to B, anyway, I can't really afford frills on a budget like mine. But I've been putting away a little bit at a time for just this occasion, I have a reservation at an upscale restaurant and everything. A good time, the kind she deserves and, from the look of it, desperately needs.
 
[That thing will kill us one day.] Shizune signs, staring at the car impassively.
 
I shrug. [Well, I was kind of hoping you'd arrive with some fancy new wheels as an anniversary present. You know, maybe ask dear dad to help out a bit.]
 
She immediately launches into a tired but smoldering pout, crossing her harms and leaning forward. I've still got the touch, it seems. No matter what, seeing her fired up always manages to do the same for me.
 
[You know I haven't had anything to do with him for months.] She signs back, still glaring. And it's true, Shizune has done everything she can to sever ties with her father, throwing herself into student aid and winning scholarship after scholarship in order to avoid relying on the monetary assistance that he seems to reluctantly provide. I almost wish there was something I could do to mend the rift between them, but we have so much going on right now that there isn't really time to worry about anyone else but eachother.
 
[Fine, fine, I guess my gift is something small then. Is it bigger than a breadbox?] I shift into another shrug as I sign, not an easy task but I'm far from the amateur I was two years ago. I've even been able to pick up a little extra money at work for being able to do the odd interpretation job.
 
Shizune seems to deflate at my words. Again, her hands stumble a bit, and it's not like her at all. Where's her blazing drive, her fiery determination to take the world head on?
 
[Do you want your present right now?] She asks, peering at me intently. There's a nervous smile on her face, and it makes me a little uncomfortable.
 
[Are you all right?] I glance at her a little more closely. She has bags under her eyes. The intensive program she's in is supposed to have a more relaxed period in the middle, has she taken on some other classes as well? Is that why she's been so busy for so long? She always seemed able to balance things pretty well back at Yamaku. I'm a little worried now.
 
[I am fine.] She frowns and adjusts her glasses, irritated at my attempt at changing the subject.
 
[Do you want your present now?] She asks again. She still looks hesitant, but there's a determined glint in her eyes, like there's some sort of massive challenge that she's about to either rise to meet or crash and burn. I don't remember the last time I've seen her like this, although I've barely been able to see her at all lately.
 
[That's okay, I don't mind waiting.] I turn around and begin walking to the car, I doubt she needs to be put on the spot right now.
 
“Hisao!” A voice calls from somewhere behind me.
 
I turn, but don't see any familiar faces among the crowds of people at the busy train station. In fact, there's no one really near me at all, no one except...
 
...No one except...
 
Shizune's arms are crossed, clenching them with her hands as if to force herself not to sign. She stares at me searchingly, eyes narrowed in determination. And then opens her mouth.
 
Am I dreaming?
 
“Hisao.” She says again.
 
It's a voice that I've only ever heard in sometimes covered laughs, in gasps and moans in the dark of night, in giggles or huffs of irritation. The act of speaking looks awkward to her, the sight as alien to me as the sound. But the annunciation is precise and clear, it's deliberate, practiced even. In fact...
 
I take a step towards her. Shizune is still looking at me, needingly, longingly now. She opens her mouth again, and says the words that I had accepted I would never hear.
 
“I love you.”
 
I stop in my tracks.
 
Six months. Six months of her accelerated program, her internship, and this. All the times she was exhausted, all those nights she would fall asleep long before I did. All that time and effort, all leading up to this moment. Because it had to be perfect, because it's her. She wouldn't accept anything else.
 
Six months, for four words.
 
She's watching me, that brash and brazen student council president I once knew reduced to a young woman searching me desperately for a response.
 
Now my hands are the ones trembling as I raise them.
 
[Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this wonderful, wonderful gift.]
 
A moment later I'm unable to say anything else, as she's in my arms, and I don't think I'll ever let her go.
 
 
 
 
 
"Out Loud" is a song by Dispatch.