>You are Anonymous.
>It has not been long since you became stranded in Ponyville.
>You have managed to do reasonably well for yourself, however.
>You spend a lot of time working for Twilight Sparkle.
>She found a loophole in the law against experimenting with dangerous magic on ponies.
>It doesn't technically apply to humans.
>You have no idea where she gets the bits, but she pays well.
>You haven't even been injured yet. Not seriously, at least.
>You have even had an offer to join the circus.
 
>You receive a very early surprise visit from a very frazzled Twilight Sparkle, and a very sleepy Spike.
>"Anon! You are just the monster that I have been looking for!"
>At least she didn't call you a monkey.
"Well, you've got my attention."
>"The library is going to host an exhibit of magic artifacts today."
>"I was going to summon an abomination to guard the display, but I could not master the spell in time."
>"You are the best I can come up with on short notice."
>At least this explains why you don't get many visitors.
>"I will make it worth your while."
"Sounds like a big deal. I would be happy to help, but you should know that I am not an experienced fighter."
>"That is the beauty of the plan. Nopony in their right mind would try to fight you. I am a genius."
"Twilight, that is only a good plan if it works."
>"Everything has already been arranged. Go get fitted for your armor."
 
>You head into town.
>On the way you run into Fluttershy.
>"Um, good morning Anon. Fancy meeting you here."
"Good morning Fluttershy."
>She reaches into her saddlebags and offers you a banana.
>"I was just at the market. Would you care to share breakfast with me?"
"Thanks, but I got an early start today and have already eaten."
>"Oh!" She pouts softly. Her expression turns thoughtful.
>She begins to conspicuously peel the banana.
>She gives you a sultry stare.
>FLUTTERSHY THAT IS NOT HOW YOU EAT A BANANA!
*shudder*
>She begins to choke and motions frantically for help.
>Against your better judgment, you perform the pony Heimlich maneuver.
>Good thing you paid attention during the safety lecture when you started working in Twilight's lab.
>"My hero!" She showers you with kisses, smearing you with banana in the process.
>Eventually you escape by excusing yourself to go get cleaned up.
>Fluttershy has developed a crush on you.
>More of an obsession really.
>You aren't sure you would contemplate such a relationship even if you had given up all hope on returning home.
>Really you feel worse for her than for yourself.
 
>You get your armor without any other mishaps, and present yourself to Twilight.
>"Anon you look utterly terrifying. They did a better job than I hoped."
>She positions you near the center of the library where you have a full view of the displays.
>"Today you will be officially functioning as a contingent of the Royal Guard."
>"There are a number of special responsibilities that this entails."
>"Most are minor technicalities, but there is one in particular that you need to be aware of."
>"Namely, while on duty you are to maintain absolute discipline."
>"Unless somepony causes trouble, you must be like a statue. Or, more accurately, a gargoyle."
>"There are going to be a lot important ponies visiting today and everything has to be perfect."
"That is going to be a problem Twilight. I am not used to the weight of this armor."
"I doubt I could stand for more than a couple of hours wearing it, much less keep perfectly still."
>"I anticipated this, and have researched a spell that will solve the problem."
>"It will cause you to lose voluntary motor control."
"I never agreed to that! Besides, what will happen if somepony tries to steal something?"
>"We have been over the plan. Nopony in their right mind will try anything with you here."
"Plan aside, I still never agreed to that!"
>"You should know that as Princess Celestia's protégé I possess the authority to conscript you."
"You wouldn't dare!"
>"You drive a hard bargain Anon, but I will double what I am paying you."
"Triple. And only because you showed kindness to a stranger in a strange land."
>"Deal." Twilight emits a flash of violet.
>You feel as though you are immersed in a tremendously viscous fluid.
 
>Twilight makes some final adjustments to your pose, and throws open the doors of the library.
>A number of well dressed ponies begins lining up.
>They seem hesitant to enter.
>Twilight's attitude gradually transforms from expectant to perplexed.
>"What seems to be the problem?" She finally asks.
>One of the upper crust ponies scoffs in your direction. "And just what is that thing?"
>"That is a human. It is here to guard the artifacts." Twilight replies.
>More fancy ponies speak up. "How can we be sure the creature is safe?"
>"What if it goes on a rampage?"
>Twilight becomes defensive. "I assure you the human is under my complete control."
>Nopony seems convinced.
>After a pause Twilight continues determinedly. "I will prove it. Will a volunteer step forward?"
>The ponies shift and mull about. "I volunteer." Somepony finally squeaks up.
>The crowd parts to reveal Fluttershy, who promptly hides behind her mane.
>Twilight continues. "Excellent! Fluttershy, please do your best to incur the human's wrath."
>You can only watch helplessly as Fluttershy approaches.
>She wouldn't! Not in public! There could be foals watching! Would she!?
>She slowly circles you, relishing the anticipation.
>Finally she pounces, and begins tickling you mercilessly.
>Why isn't this armor effective against tickles!?
>You collapse into a heap of giggles and involuntary spasms.
>The trepidation of the crowd is replaced with abject joy.
>On the bright side maybe this will ruin your monster credibility and Twilight will release you.
>No such luck. Twilight calls off Fluttershy and stands you back up. The event proceeds as planned.
 
>The day passes uneventfully.
>Twilight's friends stop by for the exhibit, and take the opportunity to give you their regards.
>Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie spend most of their time at the library making faces at you.
>Applejack gives your armor a thump. "Whoa there sugarcube! Ain't ya all gussied up!"
>"Mosey on over to Sweet Apple Acres when Twilight gets done with ya. I could use a new scarecrow."
>Rarity is less charitable. "Anon, How uncouth! And after all I have done to try and civilize you!"
>"I simply cannot fathom why you let Twilight take advantage of you like this."
>As evening approaches, the attendance at the exhibit gradually winds down.
>The guests are departing for the closing reception.
>It is to be held at Sugarcube Corner, and Twilight is giving the keynote speech.
>Since the library is still open for its regular hours, she leaves spike in charge.
>He looks dead tired. Twilight had him up before you, and he was on his feet serving ponies all day.
>"Looks like it's just you and me, Anon." He says with a yawn.
>He halfheartedly starts to sweep up the library, but soon falls asleep leaned against the broom.
>An eerie quiet descends upon the library.
 
>You hear the faint flapping of delicate wings.
>You glimpse the shadow of a pegasus pony approaching you from behind.
>"You really are my knight in shining armor!" A voice coos.
>Fluttershy! This can't be happening!
>"I never got to thank you properly for this morning."
>She nuzzles you.
>"Now where did we leave off?"
>She begins removing your armor piece by piece, and kisses your body hungrily as it becomes exposed.
>She starts slowly. Your gauntlets are the first to go.
>By the time she has worked up your arms, her pace has frenzied.
>She tears off your helmet and gives you a passionate kiss. She only stops to catch her breath.
>The intensity of her gaze cuts deep into you.
>She trembles as she strips off your cuirass.
>The weight of the armor is too much for her, and she drops it clattering to the floor.
>Across the library you hear Spike stirring from his sleep.
>"Oh Fluttershy, you loudmouth!" She softly exclaims as she flees the library.
>By the time Spike comes to your aid she is long gone.
 
>Twilight eventually returns and dispels her magic.
>Free at last!
>She thinks that someone tried to steal the magical artifacts.
>She is very shaken that her plan failed.
>You decide not to tell anypony about Fluttershy.
>They would never believe you, at any rate.
>Besides, Twilight really needed to appreciate how awful that plan was.
>You can't bring yourself to ruin that outcome.