Cold.
Dark.
That's all I feel right now. I lay there for a while, the cold leaving its perverse kisses all over my body as i try to make sense of the world around me. This is my bedroom. It must be pretty early in the morning.
Ah, I must have been asleep.
Where's my blanket?
I feel out the bed around me, a single bed. I've never slept in a double. I must have thrown it off in the night.
I lean over the side of the bed and reach out, groping for the thick sheet.
I slide my hand on the smooth wooden floor, sweeping around for that one thing that can stop the cold. Guessing at its location.
This must be how Lilly used to-
The mention of my old friend stops my search, I stand straight up.
Maybe i should call her... No. No, I ruined it.
Stupid, stupid thing to do.
I sigh, It's the first time I've herd my voice this week.
"It's going to be a long day."
My voice, quiet but rough. Strained from underuse. Carrying a bitter tone. Not going back to sleep today.
I get up and walk out of my bedroom. The door is wide open I never see a reason to shut it, I step through and make my way into the living room, i flick on a light and look over my shelf.
Books and video games, that's what my life boiled down to these days.
The books I've read through and through, I remember verything they made me feel, everything i loved about them but i feel sick every time i open one now.The games... no. I don't even want to.
I sit down on my dusty couch and a face flashes through my mind.
Kind, gentle.
His voice.
Smooth, deep.
His scent.
Cheap deoderant.
Hisao.
Tears well up in my eyes again. A lump in my throat rises. Something's pressing down on my chest.
Why couldn't he see me as what i am?
He's not a shield. He wasn't my knight.
I demanded nothing from him, yet he still thought i needed protection.
Why?
My hands are shaking now. I wipe the tears from my eyes. I tell myself the same thing i do every time this happens.
"It has been five fucking years Hanako."
My bitter graveley voice, speaking the words i need to hear.
"He has moved on! Lilly has moved on!"
I'm screaming now, I don't care who hears.
"Why can't you?"
My words hang in the air.
A soft voice in the back of my mind pipes up.
Kind, gentle, like a mother.
Clear as a bell it speaks.
"Because you know Hisao still loves you."
I shake my head.
My inhuman voice leaps at it.
"Liar."
I curl up into a ball on the ground.
I didn't need a knight, Hisao.
 
 
 
 
BEEP
BEEP
BEEP
Shrill.
High.
Annoying, yet familiar.
Ah, my old friend Mr. Alarm Clock.
I lean over and punch him right on the top of the head. Sitting up in my bed I stretch out a bit. My joints popping in some places. Aren't i too young for that?
"You're too young for heart attacks."
A sarcastic voice in the back of my mind lets out his first one-liner of the day.
I left the window open last night, too hot not to, the breeze washes over the thin leyer of sweat on my chest and arms. I let out a happy groan, this is the kind of morning i love.
I shuffle my way across the tiny room, a few pill bottles lined up like soldiers. A maudlin little chuckle rises in my throat.
Soldiers guarding my life.
I crack the head off a couple of the stout troopers and pour their innards into my hand, measuring out the correct dosage. I don't really need water to swallow pills any more, the idea of needing to drink something to get a pill down seems so far off, so unnatural.
I make my way into the kitchen, where did i leave my phone?
My phone... It's more like an expensive watch and calendar these days. Thursday, my day off and that means one thing.
Nothing.
I am not going to do a single danm productive thing.
I'm going to read a little, maybe.
I'm going to hop on the internet and argue with strangers, maybe.
I'm going to play some video games, maybe.
I'm going to stare into the T.V screen untill my mind runs blank, maybe.
But to leave that set list? Don't make me laugh.
I make my way to the couch and lie flat on my back.
A blank television stares at me from across the room, I turn it on and stare back. The news, oh joy.
"- to congratulate the recent sucsess of Ms. Ibarazaki."
A face flashes onto the screen and starts speaking words i don't listen to. Sweaty and exhausted yet... cute? Yeah, i think so.
Yet, something about that face...
Something on the edge of memeory.
The camera pans out a little.
Artificial legs... they kind of look like bent back paperclips.
Ah, I remember now, Yamaku.
I feel my face contort into a scowl.
Faces i don't want to know any more stare at me.
Voices i wish i never heard speak to me.
"Nakai, what do you think the purpose of this school is?"
I groan.
Motou.
I'd almost forgotten him, ragged and exhausted every danm day. Yet he was so danm enthusiastic when he taught science. I'd have expect him to have "DO IT FOR PHYSICS" tattooed onto his chest or some shit.
"I mean, in one way or the other, we're all in the same boat here, right~?"
My talk with Misha, that one day I decided to help her and Shizune.
What did she think would come of that talk? What was her motive.
Who were we talking about that day?
The name escapes me, but I remember deep violet eyes.
Long hair, an unnatural dark shade.
Pale skin, almost like porcelain on one side, but the other?
Rough and jagged, but not ugly.
Theres a snap in my brain.
Her name rushes out of my lips before i actually remember it.
"Hanako."
Fuck.
Another face.
Another memory.
"You... don't understand..."
Danm right, even five years down the line.
I never understood her.
"Get out of my room, get out of my room, get out of my room...!"
My vision blurs.
Tears?
Yep.
"I know i need help! I know I'm broken! I dont need you to tell me that!"
All i wanted was to help her.
To make her feel normal.
Where did i go wrong?
I flip the TV off, I'm not up for it today.
I wonder what Hanakos doing nowadays... . She probably found someone who gives her all the feelings i wanted to.
"FOR FUCKS SAKE"
My voice acts of its own accord.
"WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST SEE? SEE THAT I WANTED TO HELP?"
"Yelling at memories? Your mind's slipping Hisao."
That sneering asshole in the back of my head's back again.
I almost yell back at him, i know better.
Instead i trudge back into my bedroom.
I'm... just not feeling up for todays empty mind numbing acts of no productivity.
Instead i lay in my bed, and stare at the place Hanako should be.
 
 
I can't take it anymore.
I need to hear another voice. Not my own gnarled, sour drone. Not my therapists condcending mumble. I need to hear Lilly.
Will this number even work anymore?
I punch it in anyway.
It rings.
And rings.
And rings.
I'm about to set it down, when I hear the voice i was looking for.
"H---?"
That's Lillys voice, definateley but is that english?
"H-Hello? Lilly?"
"Hanako?!"
What's that tone?
Surprise?
Relief?
Both?
I dont care.
"Y-yes It's me."
My stutter's still intact.
Lilly breaks, her words run together, her voice is frantic, like a child.
"Hanako its been so long. Where have you been? Akira-"
"Lilly i want to ask you something."
"What's that?"
"D-Did Hisao tell you..."
I take a deep breath. I'm crying again.
"...what i said?"
Lilly pauses for a while.
"The last time i ever spoke to Hisao was five years ago, he called me while i was visiting my aunt. He aked for advice on how to handle your... yearly issue. I told him you shouldn't be treated like a child."
Eveything stops.
Lilly never wanted me to be protected, she never pitied me.
She never pitied me.
SHE NEVER PITIED ME!
I start crying, I know Lilly can hear me.
"Hanako, are you okay?"
"L-Lilly theres... something you need to know."
I suck in the all the air i can, someone once told me that helps with crying, but it only makes me shakier.
"When- ...when you were away in Scotland. Hisao c-came to visit me."
I'm opening up old, old wounds.
"He t-tried to get me out of my room b- but i just wanted to be alone."
My eyes are stinging, one day I'm gonna drown in my own tears.
"He k-kept pushing and pushing and PUSHING."
I don't need to yell.
I don't need to yell.
I need to be calm.
For Lilly.
"He... I.."
This is the hard part.
"I... I yelled at him. I told him I didn't want a protecter and... that i hated him."
Lilly interrupts.
"You what?"
"I told him i h-hated him and... that i hated you."
Lilly is silent for a second, she's choosing her next words carefully.
"Did you mean it?"
My voice. It changed again. It's what it was before, weak, soft, frail.
"At the t-time, but I though you wanted to protect me, like a child."
Lilly interrupts, again.
"I never wanted to shield you, Hanako."
"Then what d-did you want?"
"We were friends Hanako. I only wanted your company."
I groan.
"I ruined everything Lilly..."
Lilly doesn't seem to care about the words I just said.
"Hanako. Where did you go?"
I know what she means as soon as she says it.
A couple days after my... falling out with Hisao I ran away.
"I... left. I applied f-for government assistance and got an apartment in..."
"Give me the address."
Lilly speaks with a commanding tone, like a politician. Clear, precise and authorative.
I give her the adress, she says only one thing before hanging up.
"I'll be there as soon as I can, good bye Hanako."
A dull click, two beeps. I gingerley set the phone down. Lilly never pitied me and I hated her for no good reason.
I make my way back to my bed, picking up the blanket on the way.
She's coming soon.
For the first time in five years i feel my face contorting into a smile.
I'll finally have someone to talk to.
We've got some catching up to do.
 
 
 
THUMP
THUMP
THUMP
"FUCK!"
I rocket up, my hand finds its way to my chest.
"Holy shit!"
My voice is strained, like my throat's trying to close up.
I take a few deep breaths, a practiced act I've taken to preserve my already shortened life.
"How long before you die, Hisao boy?"
Normally i don't talk to this insipid fuck in the back of my brain, but i don't have the energy to ignore him any more.
"Not long, you prick. Not long."
I accepted that I won't have a normal lifespan long ago but it's still on my mind constantly. Some days I brood over it from the moment I wake up till the moment i fall asleep. Other days, It's just a twinge of self pity in the morning. I've been having more of the former than the latter lateley.
With a sigh, I pick my mopey ass out of bed and march over to my tiny, dutiful soldiers, all lined up single file and I begin my daily ritual, cracking their heads off and swallowing their insides.
I'm not sure if equating my pill bottles to soldiers is a very healthy thought but... fuck it.
What time is it anyway?
I walk out my door and begin the search for my phone.
"Looking for your expensive watch?"
The voice interrupts me as I turn over a couch cusion, if that shit smearing, fuck face in the back of my head had a set of balls I'd gladly kick them.
"Go to hell."
"I'm in your head, Hisao... I'm practically already there."
"You think you're fucking funny don't you?"
I turn and look atop the T.V. Yep, there it is.
"No, YOU think-"
"Don't bother!"
It doesn't retort, good. I pick up the phone and glance down and the screen.
One missed call - Dad.
Thursday - 2:48 PM
"Still Thursday? Hmm." I mumble to myself.
What was i doing in bed on my day off anyway?
I drop my phone as my mind is assaulted with old, unhappy, far off images.
Dark hair that reaches down in an attempt to grope at her thighs, deep violet eyes that a man could explore for hours. Contrasting skin, both smooth and rough, the smooth side pale, as if the sun had never shone on it, the rough side not attractive, but mildly intricate.
The name does not escape me this time.
"Hanako Ikezawa."
I chuckle to myself.
"The love of my fucking life."
The day she left Yamaku... it must have been three or four days after i tried to get her out of her room. I saw her standing out the front of the school, in those clothes she wore to the city. Did she even own any others? She was holding a small trave bag, judging by the decorations in her room, it was just large enough to fit her everything she owned.
Soon as i saw her, my heart stopped, a taxi was slowly trudging up the hill and she was staring intently at it, one and a half million questions raced around my mind.
"HANAKO!"
She turned around, soon as she saw me her face dropped. That fucking face. Sorrow, anger, loneliness and about a half dozen other things.
The taxi came to a stop next to her and she spun right around to the driver, she had nothing to say to me.
"Ikezawa?"
The driver caught sight of her scarring, caught himself starig, then snatched his attention away, the usual dance when people meet Hanako.
"Y...yes."
"The city, right?"
He was obviously tense, looking everywhere but Hanako.
She nodded, her dark hair shifting around as she did.
"Right then. You wont need the trunk for that bag, hop in."
She opened the door, sat down, the engine of the taxi jerked and groaned to life and just like that Hanako Ikezawa rolled right on out of my life.
How was i going to tell Lilly?
How could i even show my face to anyone anymore?
I trudged back to my room, searching for answers, just as I was about to open the door, an unwelcome presence had snuck up behind me.
"Sup, bro."
Kenji.
If i could have spoken to anyone at that time. ANYONE! It would be anyone but him.
"What do you want?"
"Woah, bro. Lot of hostility!"
"Fuck off."
I slammed the door in his face, it was a boring conversation anyway.
That was the day my life changed. I gave up, stopped studying, bareley scraped by on tests, my scores were nowhere near good enough for college so i got a paper pushing job in some air conditioner company.
I avoided Lilly like she were the plague, or death itself.
She showed up at my door often enough, begging me to tell her what I knew.
"Where is Hanako?"
"Hisao, please talk to me!"
The last thing Lilly ever said to me hurt the worst.
"I... I dont know what you did to her, Hisao. She won't answer her phone and her rooms already been claimed, the chessboard you gave her is at the door. Goodbye."
It was easy enough to avoid Lilly after that, she left again, permanantly.
Some days I'd go back to the abandoned room, where the three of us just talked all day. I slept in there, sometimes. I'd worry about everything.
My heart.
My future.
My present.
Angst. There was no other word for it.
All i wanted to do was protect her, to be her shield, her safeguard, her ward.
And when she couldn't fight for herself? I'd be her sword, her cannon, her...
Her knight.
I'm going to live the rest of my life like this, aren't I?
"Yes, yes you are."
That sneering fucking dick. I don't even care any more.
She's gone, I can't fix that, why bother?
 
 
 
I've been cleaning for the past two days, Lilly's coming over.
I don't even know what I'm feeling.... it's light in my midsection, I'd call it happy but it's so much more... ornate than happiness.
It's how i used to feel before I met Hisao, before I worried about him seeing me as something to be locked off from the outside world. Back when it was just me and Lilly, and nothing hurt me, ever.
It's bright out so I've opened the curtains a little, This room looks so different bathed in light. It's the first time this place ever really looked like a home to me.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
My door.
I run across the room, almost sliding across the hard, wood floor and crashing into the door.
I fumbly with the door, almost tearing it clean off its hinges.
I don't know what to say.
Lilly, that's Lilly allright but she's so much more beautiful than i remembered.
She's standing taller, her hair's brighter, her skin more clear and her face all the more kind and gentle.
"Hanako?"
Her voice hits me like a freight train, I lean forward and snake my hands around her waist.
She returns my embrace like only she can, feeling the marred flesh on my arm, conforming to her that it is, in fact me.
Holding her feels so warm. The warmth of a human being, the warmth of a love that I can't describe.
I need to say something.
"I m-missed you. S-s-so m-much."
"I've missed you too, Hanako."
I lead her in, help her with her bags, leat her to the couch and start up my first real conversation with anyone other than my therapist in five long years.
I never want it to end.
 
 
 
 
I don't have any idea how long I've been speaking to Hanako.
I don't care, I'm loving evey second.
"So.. th-thats when I came h-here. I haven't left much... I get by on g-government assistance."
"Five years and you haven't left?"
"N-not once."
Her voice wavers, she's crying. I reach out to touch her, give her whatever comfort I can.
My hand brushes something rough and harsh. It's her face.
A warm drop of liquid leaks on to my hand.
"Don't cry Hanako. I'm here."
She pulls me into a hug again., we lay on the coutch together for a while.
"S-s-so... what did you do after school?"
My face pulls into a frown.
"I went back to Scotland to live with my dad for a while he... wouldn't fund my university education, said it was a waste and I should work with him if I really wanted a job."
"That s-s-sounds... horrible."
"Oh, yes it was. When I did work, It was all 'Go fetch me a coffe, Lil', 'Call your mother and ask if she needs me to get anything on the way home, Lil', now imagine five straigt years of that being your only task. It was maddening."
Hanako remains silent.
"H-he calls you Lil?"
"Yes."
My voice becomes flat, emotionless.
"You d-don't like it?"
"I don't. Nor did I like living with him, he never did understand I was able to work around my disability."
"So... w-what do we do now?"
I sigh.
"Honestley, Hanako... I didn't plan this out too well. I figured i needed to meet you again, I don't know if I'm going to stay."
"P-please stay... I need you here"
Now there's a voice of reason.
I might as well stay.
I was miserable home, and here... my only friend.
"Well, Hanako, when you put it that way..."
I squeeze her close as i can.
"... how can i refuse?"
"L-Lily i think we need real jobs."
I laugh.
"That we do. You on government assistace, and me an ex-unpaid secretary."
She laughs, her soft giggle sounds so weak, yet it radiates hope.
It's time to tell her my side of the story.
"Hanako, when you left I was so, worried for you and Hisao he wouldn't talk, I'd spoken to everyone, EVERYONE I could find and I didn't find a danm thing out about you or Hisao or where you went, Hisao shut himself off from the world, nobody could gert him to say more that a few words."
My voice is faltering now, I know how much Hisao meant to Hanako and I could only worry at what he might have done to her.
"I thought he hurt you, or worse. I thought I'd never sit down and talk with you again."
I move my hands up, taking both sides of her face in hand. Her smooth, perfect porcelain half and her marred, rough half.
"You are my dearest friend, Hanako. I thought I lost you. I don't intend to do so again, ever."
She takes my face in her hands.
"You won't Lilly you were always the o-only person I could count on, but n-now things are different, you can count on me t-too."
I start crying.
In her solitutde she has gotten stronger, and she's willing to protect me as i protect her, as an equal.
Whatever we need to do to make our lives work will get done, because now we have all the support we need in eachother.