>Where am I? Who am I?
>Chapter 26: The Rainbow Factory
 
Now, as a quick preamble, let me first make clear that the last time I read "Where am I? Who am I?" was in December 2014. When I recently decided to at the very least try to finish my tour de autism of this horrible story, I was therefore met with a choice. Do I re-read the story beforehand, so that I can fully appreciate full understanding of the fic, or do I go in blind?
The answer, obvious to anyone who isn't a masochist, is that I'm not ever going to reread any of this. It might be the most appropriate thing to do, since few (or none) of you remember anything at all about this. Also it lets me reuse jokes, because you won't remember them.
Namefagging for archive and filtering reasons.
 
 
 
Let me, to the best of my ability, recap where we are in the story so far:
 
Wai-Wai, or whatever you want to call it, is the work of a German FimFiction "writer" named Andre, and was originally written via Google Translate. Now, that version has been lost to time, but the later, "fixed", version of the story is no less glorious. Andre was an extremely juvenile CoD fanboy in his early twenties who seemingly suffered from a mental disorder rendering him unable to form a single original thought, and at times made him unable to form coherent thoughts at all. Or at least that's the impression I get. He has since deleted his profile for reasons unknowable to man.
 
Our story starts with John Price, a young computer prodigy who managed to fuck up everything forever. I should backtrack. John was taught how to be a computer deity by his father, a deceased fighter pilot who was never established to be good with computers. Being the godlike self-insert that he is, John got a job at some big company and created amazing artificial intelligence. The American military surrenders complete control of their nuclear weapons to this AI for plot reasons, despite John thinking this is a bad idea. It is never explained why John thinks this, but it's important for Andre to establish this so that John can turn out to be right in the end. He always is.
 
 
 
Unsurprisingly the AI nukes everything and the world goes to shit. It takes less than a year from John starts working until he has fucked the world. The American orbital nuclear weapons array, and this takes place in 2030, unleashes nuclear hellfire on the world below. Being the single person in the world who deserves the most to die from radiation poisoning, John is near the site of a nuclear explosion, but instead of being hurt he merely rides the nuclear blastwave through the air where he miraculously hits a horse statue that is also a bubble of protection, and a van, and a portal to Equestria. It's all pretty confusing, because Andre cannot communicate any sense of space in his writing.
Despite being explicitly told that this holocaust was all his fault, John never feels guilt or takes any blame. The story doesn't fault him for this immense stupidity, because Andre can never fault his self-insert for anything.
 
Our lovable protagonist is found by the M6, likely in the Everfree Forest, where they immediately lust for his hot mankey dong. Because every single pony is always into bestiality. Anyway, he goes on numerous adventures that are all so dumb that I won't bother retelling them. This story takes the Wiseau-approach to storytelling, so most details are nonsensical and do not matter. Perhaps most importantly, he loses his virginity in a way Andre could only hope; by cumming inside DASHIIIIIII.
 
 
 
This is where we get to the only plot thread worth remembering. See, Equestria is Earth in the future, and somehow a "International US Agent" called Steve (age 25/114354) manages to end up in Equestria. I cannot for the life of me remember how. I think it was time-travel. Anyway, Steve is a former fighter pilot and the man who betrayed and killed John's father for... reasons. Anyway, Steve desires to kill John because reasons, and becomes a shapeshifting pegasus. He nearly fills Loira with baby batter, because you can't have HiE without letting her get some of that gorilla dick. John and Steve fight several times in what sounds like CoD-fanfiction, and John "kills" Steve like three times. However, after the last "death", something strange happens. John's story basically ends, as he is perpetually cumming in that crusty cunt, and it all loses any semblance of having a plot. This is at chapter 20 of 40. Andre has run out of ideas that in any way tie to the main story and character.
 
Also, and I can never get past this, John stabs Celestia and it never has any form of consequence, and is never mentioned again. It's the breast cancer of this fic.
 
 
 
Now, a normal writer would stop. The story is over, there's no conflict or plot. But Andre is no mere normal man. From here on out the story focuses around Steve as he... meanders around for a bit. Tells the story of how Steve ended up in Equestria, liked anyone cared. We learn about the Russian Libyan Cyber War. But it eventually gains some semblance of plot, as Steve decides to investigate the Rainbow Factory. Yes, THAT Rainbow Factory. When Andre ran out of ideas stolen from CoD, he unironically turned his story into fanfiction of fanfiction.
Or, that's what you'd think. It soon becomes apparent that he's writing based upon Wooden Toaster/Glaze's Rainbow Factory song. So we're reading fanfiction about a song about a fanfiction about My Little Pony.
 
When we last left our hero Steve, 1/3 into chapter 26, he was hiding behind a box in the Rainbow Factory, watching a genderswapped Wooden Toaster OC talk to his childmurdercrew.
 
Are you all caught up? If so, I'm terribly sorry for having made you read all that.
 
A little under two weeks ago, I shared an old riff from 2014 that I never got around to posting. That covered the first third of this chapter. It's in the archive if you want to read it, and get the full "understanding" of this chapter, but it won't be needed.
http://pastebin.com/UzK4Lzjc
 
I'll be right back with chapter 26.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
>Chapter 26
I hope you all brought protection, because we're going in.
 
>I hide me behind a box.
Shame on you, Steve, hiding behind metal bawkses.
 
>The voices said, "Yes perfect, these ponies are ... wonderful specimens. We will do maybe the best rainbow all time hehehehe."
What qualities, exactly, make some ponies better for grinding up into rainbows than others? Is it being kind? Having a nice mane? Lusting for manmeat?
Truly, we will never really know.
 
>He was a Pegasus, with green hair and an evil smile on his face. There were some other Pegasus which ... "GOD THEIR EYES!"
I don't think Andre has any idea that this OC is supposed to be female. Or at least I think that's the case.
 
>pic related
I know I'm posted this last time, but I feel like it's the perfect introduction for this renewed insanity. A shitty Pony Creator image of a fandom OC in a nonsensical role.
 
>Mr Woodentoaster said to me, "AAAAAAAAH the new guy, welcome I hope you enjoy your stay here hehehehe."
You know what? I think Andre's subtly trying to convey that this character might, just might, not be the most upstanding. There's an ever so slight hint of vileness here, wouldn't you agree?
 
Did you guys write about serial killers or dark stuff when you were younger? I sure did. It seems to be a pretty common thing in juvenilia.
 
>Nothing was normally at him like the others with him.
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
 
 
 
>Mr Woodentoaster asked me, "What's your name you useless piece of shit!"
>I looked at him and said, "WHAT DID YOU...:" I stopped myself. "Concentrate, he is trying to annoy you!"
Andre, we need to talk about your usage of quotation marks.
So, in the first line, that's supposed to be dialogue, right? And the same is true for the first sentence of the second line. But then we go back to Andre-rules, which is no rules. I get that the second sentence is supposed to be inner dialogue, but that actually need to be made clear/not marked with quotation marks.
 
>I said, "Steve Connor."
>He said, "Oh my god what an ugly name but ok for an ugly Pegasus like you HAHAHAH. HEY I want to see your in the hall in 10 minutes I want to show you something ... really nice!"
I swear, the dialogue has never been this bad. And that's really fucking saying something, because it's been awful in the past too.
At the very least, someone finally fucking acknowledged that "Steve Connor" isn't a normal pony name. It took twenty six chapters, but it finally happened. Maybe, just maybe, we might one day see Cloudsdale or Celestia spelled correctly too.
A man can dream.
 
Speaking of names:
>John Price
>Steve Connor
John Price is a CoD character.
John Connor.
 
German unoriginality knows no bounds.
 
 
 
>(Info: Please listen to the song while you reading I don't know but it match, it´s German but with English lyrics. Mitternacht = Midnight)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1v9A3ymnR0 [Embed]
German is so fucking horrible, I'm ashamed to even speak languages related to this monstrosity. And honestly, is anyone here surprised that Andre has bad taste in music?
I offer an alternative, which I feel more properly conveys my feeling towards this specific point in the story:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C78HBp-Youk [Embed]
 
>There was something in a cage. A Pegasus... but it looks other then every pony I saw.
>GOD WHAT THE HELL! It started screaming, "AAAAAAAAH HUNGRY, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, BLOOOD!!! YOUR HEART IS MINE!!!!!"
>pic related
But Dash wasn't actually a zombie though. He just couldn't be bothered to find any other zombie pony picture.
Or maybe it's a case of brilliant foreshadowing. Either way, the sudden inclusion of zombies cements the fact that the only really novel thing about Andre is how spectacularly unoriginal he manages to be. Where other shitty writers might become accidentally interesting, Andre somehow manages to not even accomplish that.
 
>But that wasn't enough, whats coming next was bader, much bader, it was ... the hell!
It was even worse than Baden-Baden.
 
>I thought first it was a dream, but it wasn't. It was the reality.
There's no dreams here. Only nightmares. Though I'm sure also they crave Johndong. Or Stevedong, I guess.
 
 
 
>The pony screamed behind me in the cage screamed all the time, "YOUR HEART, YOUR BRAIN, YOU BLOOD ... MINE!!!"
At least this isn't one of those picky zombies, the kind that just eat brains and french fries.
 
>That small "UUUUUUGH! WHAT THE HELL SMELLS SO UGLY, LIKE SOMEONE WOULD DECAY!"
Luckily it wasn't a big decay.
 
>Then I saw a balcon, I went outside then I saw the picture of hell.
>"OH MY GOD!" THAT ISNT TRUE!"
Balcons were actually made illegal in Germany following WWII, so it's not wonder he's so excited.
 
>There was an container, fly's everywhere, the container was full of... dead ponies of all kind, earth, Pegasus and unicorns.
By being too lazy to read the actual Rainbow Factory, Andre is actually diverting from it. This is a equal opportunity massacre.
 
>And this pony on the other side had a smile on their face and evil smile.
Since the first smile was on the pony's face, I'm guessing she smiled most evilly with her nether lips. Truly bad pussy.
 
>He/She enjoyed that. He/She looked at me, and called, "Look at these fools, how their are crying, like baby's. Stupid kids. They came in this "garbage compactor" like rubbish! hahah!"
Yeah, fucking babies. Crying just because you're subjecting them to industrialised slaughter. Fucking yellow-bellies.
 
>I asked, "WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?"
>"Here HIHIHIHIHI!" said the creepy voice.
I'm just waiting for a fucking title drop, but it never happens.
 
 
 
>*HUMAN*
>I turned into a human. He knew what I am ok.
>Steve pulled up his pistol, "COME ON! Show me what you've got!"
Question: How does he store his CoD-piece (or "gun" for you plebians) when he's in ponyform? Strapped to his wing? Bound to the dong?
 
>"Hey Steviiiii did you know I don't like the ponies too so if you want we can destroy them together? HIHIHIHI"
>"EEEEHMMM LET ME THING ABOUT IT, NO?"
I think this scene can only be compared to the showdown between Luke and the Emperor in Return of the Jedi, though this is clearly much more tense.
 
>"Not really but I am so glad to shoot in your FUCKING MUZZLE!"
>"Steve behind you."
*teleports behind u"
"nothing personnel kid"
 
>"WHUHU STEVIIIII"
I didn't know this was a horror story.
 
>Mr Woodentoaster declared me, "See every pony has another colour. In everyponys blood is SPECTRA! With this substance can we create the nicest rainbows!"
Today on How It's Made: Rainbows.
But seriously, how is what is essentially a flying concentration camp made for farming pony blood meant to stay undercover, when it's in a big town and has both regular workers and visitors? Where does the corpses go? What about the employees?
 
>I looked at him with an shocked face, "You ... you mean you have ... to .. kill them?"
Steve has at this point already seen containers full of mangled bodies and had it explicitly told to him that this is a slaughterhouse. But he's a bit slow, just like his creator. Literary apples don't fall far away.
 
 
 
>I looked at my left site. I saw a pony which was fettered. They ... they ... apart her.
But if you're just after pony blood, why would you bind people to intricate devices and tear them apart? Couldn't you just organise a national blood donation drive, or make blood donation mandatory for certain ponies? Or at the very least just bleed victims out?
 
>They showed not a bit of mercy. Suddenly I regonized a mare which walked run past at me. She had a kind of "rainbow mane" but I don't noticed her further.
Who is this mystery mere of many hues? The world may never truly know. But she probably started her day with her daily dose of monkey cum.
 
The real question, at this point, is if Andre has watched Rainbow Dash Presents.
 
>Mr Woodentoaster laughed, "Time for a bit yellow colour. Remember the bones must be broken, so the machine can work much better HEHEHEH!"
First of all, I hope this isn't going to be about piss. Other than that, I'm just going to say that in my experience you don't need to break all your bones to be a blood donor. But I guess there's different health and safety regulations in Equestria.
 
>The pony who operated the machine laughed, "OF COURSE BOSS, HEY KIDS LOOK AT THAT!"
I will never be as enthusiastic about my job as this guy is about tearing apart children in front of other terrified children.
 
>The little pony cried, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
MY LITTLE PONY
Remember that? Remember that series? The one this is all based upon?
 
 
 
>Woodentoaster put his hooves together and smiled, "YES, YES, YEEEES!"
Calm down Mr Bison.
 
>I looked at my chest. I wore my crucifix. I must pray for a moment, for this ponies.
Steve may be an immoral asshole and a murderer, but he knows that God is going to forgive him in the end.
And who knows, it wouldn't be impossible for Andre to have God send some angel or something to save the ponies from torture and their heathen ways. Or lecture about the horrors of 9/11.
 
>Woodentoaster noticed that. He didn't know what I prayed but he knew that I am prayed.
Can you pray the genderswap away? Is it still gay then?
 
>Then I hit him with my hoof in his muzzle as hard as I could.
Wait, is Steve a pony now? Since when?
Why bother with *PONY*/*HUMAN* if you don't actually use it?
 
>Mr Woodentoaster looked at me, "What the hell did you do? Will you be the next, no problem a white Pegasus, good for bright colours."
I really want to see a chart of what kinds of ponies make the best colours. Do they ever have a shortage of say pink ponies, and need to petition some agency to get delivered more pink kids that no one will miss? What are the logistics of this operation?
 
>.......... *HUMAN*..........
I swear, the transition "effect" keep getting longer and longer. Before long we'll just have entire chapters that say nothing but HUMAN HUMAN HUMAN over and over to make sure we all got that he's now in gunape mode.
 
 
 
>He giggled, "HEHE SURE Come on HUMAN maybe your SPECTRA WILL BE NICE TOO! CATCH HIM!"
How the fuck do you know what a human is?
 
>I heard Woodentoaster as he cried, "LET THEM FREE!"
Cry havoc, and let slip the My Little Pony Zombie OCs of War.
 
>Then one of these ... things...attacked me. I felt down. "IT" tried to bit my on my neck. I hold it back with my hand. Then I pulled my M9 pistol and shoot at it. I shoot and shoot but this ... creature wouldn't die."
Sure is compelling being told how zombies work. Like I was expecting anything atypical at all about any of this.
 
>Then a heard a pony saying, "The head, the head is the only way to kill them."
Who the fuck is saying that? Is it one of the children? If so, how does a child horse know that the only way to kill undead horse is by destroying the head?
Is it one of the employees? If so, he's not doing wonders for the company's synergy right now, and will probably get a stern talking-to from his shift manager.
 
>It lied on the ground.
It was actually on the roof.
 
>I must see how these creature rope out this little mare and eat her organs like spaghettis.
Seems like Steve is getting into this. Maybe he'll develop a crippling child-mutilation addiction. He already has an outrageous murderboner.
 
 
 
Also, let's all try to find a better description of gore using Italian food. I nominate "rupturing her intestines like overstuffed cannelloni".
 
>I ran, I ran as fast as I could. I open the gates.
Were we near the entrance the whole time? Or did he run for a longer amount of time?
Reading Wai-Wai is almost dreamlike and ethereal, because space as a dimension is mostly absent and always meaningless. Everything just happens in a undefined proximity that changes at the author's whim. Andre probably had some idea of what everything was supposed to look like, but he forgot that you actually have to tell your readers. We aren't telepaths.
 
>I run to the place where I hide my stuff.
See what I'm talking about? Everything just happens in "some place".
 
>I finally landed. Lyra came out, "Steve where were you so long?"
"I visited a nonsensical sidechapter written solely to suck the dick of the only fan I have".
 
 
 
>Lyra asked me again, "What´s going on with you? What happened? Did you have problems on your job?"
Does shooting, zombies, mass murder and mutilation count as a bad day on the job? I'd say it's probably about average for Steve.
Steve, as a "character" is supposed to be highly classified and experienced. He has seen alien shit at Area 51. Yet he's always stunned and amazed by the most obvious things.
 
>Lyra asked him, "Whats going on? Was anywhere an accident or something?"
>I could only say, "Their tears, their ... screams ... GOD."
I'm actually pleasantly surprised that Steve decides to not tell anyone, because they wouldn't believe him, and is left mentally scarred by this day. Or at least until he's fine again in the next chapter.
But it's unheard of in this story to have a plotline where the main character doesn't ultimately win and drowns in an ocean of estrus fuckholes and mare lubricant. So there's that, I guess, even if it was incredibly dumb.
It's the sort of thing that's commendable, but only if you lower your expectations to pathetically low levels.
 
That's fortunately the end of it. There is no more of chapter 26.
 
If you want to blame someone, blame New Spark.
This entire chapter was Andre trying to please his fan by deepthroating commenter dong.