"Hey Sunset, hows it going?"
>Sunset holds her head in her hand looking wistfully at the window.
>"Oh, nothing much."
 
"Well, clearly something's eating at you."
>You take a seat next to her, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.
>"No really, it's nothing. I'm just -- please don't sit there. That's Ray's favorite spot -- I'm just thinking."
>You ignore her protests, squeezing her shoulder as compassionately as possible.
"Thinking about what?"
>Sunset glares daggers at you.
>"About why you're still taking up Ray's spot. Please get up."
"Fine, fine. Jesus."
 
- -
 
"--And then she told me to get up, just like that! Cold as ice, man."
>You faithfully recount the earlier events to Rarity, with no embellishments whatsoever.
>She listens to your every word as aptly as her work allows. You think.
>"Darling, do you mind? I'm working right now."
""Get out," she said. Ushered me out of her place just because I sat on Ray's seat. I had a cup of ramen rollin' in the microwave, too! Element of empathy, my ass."
>"PLEEEASE. The customers are staring. Can't we talk about this later?"
"Absolutely not. This is a dead serious matter. Life or death. I was denied my rightful cup of ramen."
>Rarity sighs deeply, her shoulders slouching in defeat.
"Anyways, as I was saying--"
>"What's y'all doing here, botherin' Rarity at work?"
>Applejack walks into the conversation, completely unaware of what she's getting into.
>Her apron covered in fruit-scented splotches, still fresh from her shift.
>She's casually sipping on an extra large cup specifically manufactured for obese manchildren.
>"Oh, thank goodness. Applejack, darling, could you PLEASE escort this ruffian out of the store? I can't afford to get another warning from my manager because SOMEONE can't take cues when they're unwanted."
>"First of all, Rares, I ain't your handmaiden--"
"See? Rarity, you really need to learn not to boss people around like they're your servants or something."
>"--shush, sugarcube, I'm addressing the lady here--"
"Please don't assume my gender like that."
>"--Second, I ain't about to deal with this on my lunch break."
>Rarity tugs at her face with both hands, inverting her lower eyelids in frustration.
>"APPLEJACK, PLEEEEEASE," whines the fashionista. "I don't wanna lose this job!"
>Applejack rolls her eyes in the only way she can -- with absolute disdain.
>"Fiiiine."
>You feel a calloused hand dragging you out of the store.
"She took my ramen, Rarity. You hear me? Think of the ramen!"
>"Y'all best keep your mouth, sugarcube."
"This conversation isn't over yet, Rarity! I'll be back!"
>"No you won't."
 
- -
 
"Twilight, We need to talk. This is an emergency."
>The lavender nerd looks up from her tablet, visibly annoyed.
"Life or death. Ramen deprivation of the highest degree--"
>Something shiny catches your attention.
"Ooooh, are these the new TwiPads?"
>Twilight snaps up the display model from out of your hands.
>"Nuh-uh. You are banned from the premise. Do you know how much trouble I got into when you loaded meatspin on every single device on display?"
"Oh, come on. It was for the good of humanity."
>"For the good of-- Loading gifs of rotating penis was for the good of humanity??"
"For the good of LGBTQ community, to be exact."
>"Do you think that was funny? I was reprimanded and suspended without pay!"
"Eh, that's what you get for being a wagecuck for the corporate overlords."
>"My parents own the company!"
"Sheesh, and they still docked your pay? Talk about terrible parenting."
>"That's not terrible parenting! The store was full of flopping--"
>Twilight pinches the bridge of her nose.
>"I can't believe I got sucked into a conversation with you. Again. What the hell you want?"
"Emergency. Life or death. Ramen deprivation of the highest degree."
>"Yes, you said as much."
"Sunset sighed a lot, stared out the window for a while, then kicked me out of her apartment."
>Twilight looks unfazed.
"Yeah, okay. That last part is probably unsurprising, but come on! Sunset sighed a lot."
>"And stared out the window a bunch."
"Yes!"
>The lavender nerd chews on her lip.
>"I uh, what's wrong with that?"
"She did it a lot. Like, at least twice as much as usual."
>"Maybe she's just depressed? Having a bad period?"
"I don't think so. She's already had her period last Tuesday."
>"Ah, I see." A pause. "How do you know that?"
"I rummaged through her trash."
>"Wow. That's uh..."
>Twilight tries to find the right words to say.
>"I mean... Wow. That's really creepy. Like, serial-killer levels of creepy."
"Don't worry, I shred any bills or paystubs I find in the trash. I respect her privacy."
>"Please get out before I call the security."
 
- -
 
"Hey Rarity. I'm back."
>"Hello! Welcome to-- YOU AGAIN!"
"Did you know that Twilight's parents own the company where she works at?"
>"I AM CALLING THE-- What?"
"That fancy tech joint where Twilight works. Her parents own the franchise."
>"Oh my," Rarity covers her mouth daintily. "I mean, I kind of ASSUMED based on the name of their product, but..."
"I know, right? TwiPad, TwiPhone, TwiPod..."
>"My goodness!"
"I mean, which came first? The child's name or the product name? Did they name their kid after their brand?"
>"Please don't tell anyone I said this, darling, but... What a blasé name if true! I truly feel sorry for her."
"Yeah, no wonder she's still a virgin."
>Rarity's face scrunches up at that comment.
>"Say, why are you here again?"
"We need to talk about Sunset."
>"Ah," the fashionista simply states.
"I've been thinking about it while getting dragged out of the Intellectual Bar--"
>"Blasé name for a store."
"Uh-huh. So I've been thinking..."
>Rarity blinks, waiting for you to continue.
"Do you think Sunset is depressed?"
>The fashionista thinks for a minute.
>"Say, does she sigh a lot?"
"Yes."
>"Stares out the window?"
"That too."
>"Owns dozens of cats?"
"No. She has Ray, remember? Lumpy lizard thing?"
>"Hmm, tomayto tomahto."
>Rarity collects herself, straightening out her outrageously decorated skirt.
>She straightens out her hair while she's at it, just because she's Rarity and that's her shtick.
>"Darling,"
>She lets the first word hang in the air like she's about to make an important speech.
>"I think our Sunset might be going through a midlife crisis."
>A pause.
"Rarity, Sunset's not even old enough to smoke."
>"In human years, yes. But she's from Equestria. Hors-- errm, 'ponies' age differently than humans."
"Whoa whoa whoa, you're saying she's a granny now?"
>"Please don't be daft. I mean that since she's a pony, it's likely that she's already lived more than half of her lifespan by now."
"Oh."
>"Indeed."
"That explains why she got pissy and kicked me out of her place."
>"Darling, I'm afraid that's entirely on your less than charming personality."
>The fashionista's cultured jab flies over your head, entirely unnoticed.
"So uh, how do we pull her out of her mid-horselife crisis? I've never had one, and I imagine you haven't either."
>"Indeed I have not, but I know someone who went through something like it awhile ago."
 
- -
 
>"[Hello, Hondo Flanks speaking.]"
"Hi, Mr. Honda. I'm a friend of Rarity's."
>"[Ah, uhm. It's 'Hondo,' son.]"
"Right. Anyway, I've got an important question to ask you, Mr. Honda."
>"[It's-- oh, nevermind. Go ahead, kid.]"
"I hear you went through a midlife crisis awhile ago."
>A pause.
>"[Did my daughter set you up on this? I told her that I already sold the damned vintage coin collection months ago--]"
"Well, no. She gave me your phone number. I have a friend who might be going through a midlife crisis of her own."
>"[Who? Is it Rarity?]"
"Err, no. Unless she's much older than she looks."
>"[Oh.]"
"Yeah. Uhm, how did you get through your midlife crisis? Is there something you *do* to get over it, meds, whatever else...?"
>"[Well, my daughter would have you believe that buying a bunch of worthless junk until you've had enough tends to help a bit--]"
"She actually did say that, yes."
>"[--right. She's never going to let me live through that vintage coin collection thing, is she?]"
"I don't think so."
>"[Like mother like daughter, I guess. Anyway, a midlife crisis is not something you can just magically fix with a fancy car, drugs, mistresses--]"
"Or a vintage coin collection."
>"[--or that, yes. You just kinda have to... You know, endure through it. Although, finding something you really enjoy doing and doing a lot of it seemed to help immensely in my case.]"
"Ah. What did you do?"
>"[Collect vintage coins.]"
"I see."
>"[Look, kid. If you want to help your friend, help her find something she really enjoys and encourage her to do a lot of it. And don't scold her for doing it every night at the dinner table even if it's burning a hole through your college fund and taking up space in the design room against your wishes.]"
"That last bit was oddly specific, but thank you Mr. Honda."
>"[It's Hondo Flanks.]"
"Right."
>"[And do me a big favor, will ya?]"
"Sure thing."
>"[Next time, please hesitate to call me again.]"
"I don't think that's how the saying goes."
>"[Goodbye, kid.]"
>*Click*
 
- -
 
Several days later...
 
"Hey Sunset, hows it going?"
>Sunset tilts her head sideways, staring lovingly at you.
>"Oh, nothing much. How about you?"
"Nothing much at all, Shimsham. Nothing much at all."
>The mane six exchange glances with each other.
>"That's good to hear."
>Sunset grabs your cheek with both hands, closing in for a small peck on your nose.
>"I have to go to the library for a group project. Catch you later?"
>You grin.
"I'd be disappointed if you didn't."
>Sunset steps away, waving at you and the rest of the group.
>"Well, seems like she's out of the rut," remarks Rainbow.
>"She looks so happy," adds Fluttershy.
>Rarity nudges at you with her elbow.
>"What exactly did you do?"
>You smirk.
"Oh, I found something she enjoys, and gave her lots of it."
>Rarity smiles.
>"Why, that's so generous of you! What was it? Flowers? Ooh! She really loves sunflowers."
>The pink menace juts into the shot from an impossible angle.
>"Oh! Oh! Oh! Did you give her a bundle of sunflowers? A dozen sunflowers? A dozen bundle of a dozen sunflowers???"
>You gently push the sugar addict out of your face.
"Well, there's one thing she likes even more than sunflowers."
>Applejack looks incredulous.
>"No... Y'all can't possibly mean--"
>Your smirk widens.
"Yep. Shimjobs."
>A silence falls across the lunch table.
"I gave her Shimjobs. Lots of it."
>"What?!"
>Twilight looks stricken.
>"Is... Is that even possible? Can a non-Shimmer even perform a Shimjob? On an actual Shimmer, no less?"
"It took a lot of effort, but yes. I made it work."
>"I... I need to go," Twilight stammers, "this needs further research. I need to gather some reagents ASAP."
>"Whoa nelly." Applejack takes off her stetson with respect, ignoring the lavender nerd muttering something about orange peels and can openers.
>Fluttershy looks awestruck. She kneels before you, her outstretched hands brushing against the hem of your pants like a faithful being proselytized by a revered saint.
>"We are unworthy," she whispers.
>"I can't believe it," says Rainbow, her cheeks stained with tears. "You did the impossible. I... You Shimjob'd the Shimmer. I can't even..."
>Rarity faints, her face plopping down on a bowl of spaghetti.
>You look up into the bright, cloudless sky, staring beyond the depths of the universe.
>In this moment, you are euphoric.
>Not because of any phony sun god's blessing -- but because you are enlightened by your own ability to perform Shimjobs.
>The only human alive, besides Sunset, to achieve this monumental ability.
"Yes, Rainbow. I Shimjob'd the Shimmer."
 
THE END