Item #8166
 
Object Class: Euclid
 
Special Containment Procedures:
 
Description: SCP-8166 appears to be an ordinary self-serve coffee machine produced by [REDACTED] Vending, Inc. Item was recovered in [REDACTED] University along with several instances of SCP-8166-1 and SCP-8166-2, following reports of strange changes in a number of students and faculty. The machine has two drink options, and accepts every coin tested, including a number of antique and ancient coins from different periods.
 
The machine is to be stored in a Class 7 Inanimate Containment Unit. Foundation Personnel are forbidden from consuming any beverages dispensed by it; Any exposed personnel are to report for immediate containment. Testing requires O5 authorization or higher.
 
 
 
Option #1 - “MILFshake”
 
A cup of pink, sweet-smelling fluid with the consistency of milk. Upon consumption, female subjects report feelings of increased warmth, often accompanied by increased sweating. Within an hour, the subject's mammary glands begin to expand at a rate of approximately .2cm per minute to a maximum cup size of 46J, along with rapid expansion of sub-cutaneous fat deposits, mainly focused around the stomach and buttocks.
 
During expansion, subjects suffer extreme nymphomania, and begins extruding pheromones which cause feelings of uncontrollable lust in any human or near-humanoid that comes into contact with them; Subjects exhibit attraction to both genders, regardless of former sexual preference.
 
Intercourse is described as being extremely satisfying, and partners express feelings of warmth and comfort for up to 72 hours afterward. Impregnation is almost guaranteed; Condoms are reported to break down and dissolve once inside the subject's vagina, and no known form of birth control has been observed to work. Children are born abnormally large and healthy, but are otherwise unremarkable.
 
Note: The subject's bodily fluids have been observed to contain trace amounts of MILFshake liquid for a period of approximately 48 hours after initial consumption, causing similar symptoms in any female who comes in contact with them. Female researchers are therefore barred from contact with subjects or samples during the initial phase.
 
Once the initial expansion is complete, mental changes begin. The subject's system is flooded with massive amounts of endorphins, overloading and often destroying synapses related to negative emotions, leaving them perpetually cheerful. This process causes extreme pleasure, and is accompanied by multiple intense orgasms. Once the process is complete, the subject has completed her transformation into SCP-8166-1.
 
SCP-8166-1 exhibits motherly instincts, and a compulsion for physical contact with any living humanoid organism in the vicinity, which is extremely difficult to resist, possibly due to the subject's smooth, hypnotic voice as they implore their 'child' to give 'mother' a hug. Physical contact, while safe, is forbidden during normal working hours except during experimentation, or scheduled breaktime.
 
SCP-8166-1 shows a strong bond with any instance of SCP-8166-2 consistent with a husband/wife relationship of the early 1950's. This is not limited to a single instance, and the two may be mixed interchangeably. This has been observed in groups as large as 12 instances, though SCP-8166-1 will sometimes voice disdain for such polygamy.
 
Subjects exhibit high levels of cooking skill, as well as a vast array of recipes, mainly stemming from their own culture. Former Assistant Keely, a researcher exposed to SCP-8166-1's infectious fluids, mainly cooks southern-style comfort food such as beighnets, while former Doctor Yokoshima prefers miso and tempura. All food cooked is described as 'delicious', and shows heightened levels of nutrition inconsistent with ingredients. SCP-8166-1 may be employed in Site [DATA EXPUNGED] kitchens, under the supervision of at least once instance of SCP-8116-2.
 
Item only dispenses for female subjects. When a male subject approaches, the machine displays an out-of-stock message, even if the tank is visibly full. All attempts at breaking into the tank have failed, including nanomolecular torches. Permission to use high explosives denied – Dr. Sigrid, O4.
 
 
 
Option #2 - “DILFshake”
 
A cup of thick, brown liquid with a smell similar to coffee, and a taste reportedly not unlike high-grade espresso. Upon consumption, male subjects experience sudden muscular development and an urge to exercise. Given strength-training equipment, their muscles will grow at an advanced rate, often continuing for hours with no sign of exhaustion.
 
The subject's internal body temperature increases exponentially, and compelling them to remove all clothing in an attempt to cool down. This proves ineffective, even if the temperature in the test chamber is reduced below 273.15 Kelvin, as subjects will continue complaining of overheating and sweating, even as the sweat drops freeze as they hit the floor.
 
The subject's genitals rapidly expand, often to improbable sizes – A range of 30cm to 80cm has been observed, with testicles swelling proportionally, even if this size impedes movement. Priapism is common, and subjects will often joke that “It's just happy to see you!”
 
Sexual urges should not be considered alarming, as extreme libido is common in both forms of subject; Attraction to both genders is also common, though potential partners must be wary of the subject's penis size and physical strength; Only instances of SCP-8166-1 or SCP-8166-2 have shown elasticity capable of containing a larger subject's complete girth. As before, bodily fluids remain infectious for up to 48 hours following infection, and male researchers are therefore barred from contact with subject or samples during this time.
 
Body hair will also grow during this period, including the chest, arms, legs, and beard. Head hair has been seen to grow in some instances; Other times, it falls out in a pattern consistent with male-pattern baldness. This hair is extremely soft to the touch, and researchers report an urge to run their fingers through the subject's chest hair.
 
If the subject is aged less than 45 years, rapid aging will occur in a manner not dissimilar to Werner's syndrome – Hair turns gray, voice turns gravelly, and wrinkles appear around the face and joints, although, strangely, no muscular atrophy occurs. If anything, the muscular structure expands, as though they had spent the intervening years as a bodybuilder. If asked, the subject will state their age as being between 45-65 years. When presented with evidence to the contrary, they dismiss it as a practical joke.
 
Once the subject ceases exercising, the transformation into SCP-8166-2 is complete. Attempts to force subjects into continuing exercise have proven useless, as further exercise has no effect on further transformation, although subjects will often perform feats of strength for their own amusement. SCP-8166-2 exhibit fatherly behavior, and seem to enjoy physical labor; Many instances are currently employed as janitors and maintenance staff, as they often show a high level of skill utilizing tools and mechanical systems.
 
SCP-8166-2 should be contained alongside SCP-8166-1 inside a Class-3 Humanoid Cell, supplied with a typical armchair/sofa/ottoman set, a fully-stocked kitchenette, one (1) television, airing shows from the 1950's, and a king-size bed. Requests for alcohol, typically either scotch or gin, are granted on a limited basis.
 
Additional notes: Can we please limit SCP-8166-2's access to the gym? They keep hogging the free weights! - Dr. Ozersky
 
Request granted by O5. SCP-8166-2 are restricted to 45 minutes of exercise per day, four days per week. This right may be restricted for individuals who exhibit disruptive behavior, such as hogging weights or sexual harassment of staff.