I attempt to further collect myself, and possibly drain the color from my cheeks. Lilly's face turns from excited to downcast, as she begins to open her mouth again.
 
"I'm sorry for not telling you anything about it before. Things have been..."
 
I shake my head, in more of an effort to settle my thoughts than to get her to stop talking, despite the fact that she wouldn't see it anyway.
 
She falls silent at the same time anyway, so it doesn't make a difference
 
I fiddle with my hands for a moment. My head hurts and I want to sit down. No, I want to lie down. But I can't. These two people... they're still my friends, right? I know they care about me. At least, they pretend to.
 
My incoherent rage, the voice that shrieks and roars from the depths of my mind, begins to subside. It's replaced by the creeping sadness that quickly translates through the muscles in my face, as my false smile begins to break.
 
I'd better say something to satisfy them. My anger won't change anything.
 
"To be honest, I began to think you might like each other a while ago."
 
That's a half truth. Fear is a better word. Absolute terror. A terror confirmed not moments ago.
 
"At first, I didn't really know what to think about it... but I..."
 
No. No buts. And no uncertainties. Say it.
 
You know you have to.
 
"I decided in the end that... if my friends are happy, then I'm happy."
 
I feel ill.
 
"I was really glad to have another friend when we met Hisao, so you finding love through him is even better... right?"
 
Wrong.
 
Regardless of the pure deception flowing through my words, they hit home and Hisao appears to be somewhat relieved. Good.
 
Lilly prepares another somber smile as she speaks.
 
"Thank you, Hanako. I really appreciate you being so understanding."
 
Understanding. Not supportive, not accepting, not happy. Understanding.
 
You're right. I do understand. I understand.
 
I understand.
 
She's my... best friend. I wouldn't have even met Hisao if it wasn't for you. You have your needs, and I have mine.
 
And right now, that need is to speak with her.
 
I can do it.
 
"Hisao, do you mind if me and Lilly go outside for a bit?"
 
He looks at me with slight expectancy.
 
"Ah, no, feel free..."
 
Lilly's face loses composure and she takes on a look of pure confusion.
 
"Hanako?"
 
I get up- No, I stagger off of my chair and grab Lilly by the hand. It's likely the hardest I've ever grabbed anything before, and I can feel her fingers flinch under my iron grasp.
 
It feels like her pretty, fragile hand could even snap.
 
Lilly's hand.
 
Lilly.
 
She's my friend. I can't put my feelings in front of hers. Who could blame her for what she did? It's likely that she mentally laughed off the idea of Hisao and I together when I told her about my feelings.
 
No one could picture anyone with me. I certainly can't.
 
I release the tension of my grip and slide my fingers between hers. Lilly's unseeing face seems disturbed and curious, as I lead her out the door, almost dragging her in my rush to speak with her.
 
Hisao watches with... amusement? He has a grin on his face as we exit the room and step outside.
 
The rain stopped. As much as I don't want to get wet, I'm slightly disappointing to see it stop. It was fitting.
 
We reach a comfortable distance from the building, standing barefoot on the soft, damp grass.
 
"Hanako..."
 
I took her out here. I know what I feel. I need to say something.
 
"Lilly, you're my best friend."
 
That much is true. I didn't deserve her when I met her. I don't deserve her now, with all of my anger only minutes ago, and my despair now. I'm her burden.
 
Lilly doesn't respond, and it becomes apparent that she's confused at such a seemingly irrelevant statement. I press on.
 
"Y-you know I told you that I liked him!"
 
It came out with more emotion than I intended it to. Lilly's face loses it's curiosity and falls into the same thing you'd expect to see on a child who realizes the mistake they've made.
 
I don't blame you. Not anymore. Don't say anything that will...
 
"I know. I'm afraid it... couldn't be helped."
 
I look at the ground.
 
That's... not what I expected to hear. No excuses, no patronizing, no heartfelt slew of apologies in an effort to make me feel better.
 
Just the solemn fact that it couldn't be helped.
 
I. I couldn't be helped.
 
"It's not fair"
 
My mouth acts against the wishes of my mind. Saying these things will only garner me more pity. More coddling. More cosseting.
 
"I know."
 
Lilly sure knows a lot of things, today. I lift my head up, ripping my gaze from the floor and force myself to look at Lilly.
 
What I see shocks me. Her face, is red and her eyes jettison tears so quickly they form an indistinguishable line down the sides of her cheeks. She's sobbing. Silently.
 
"Lilly..."
 
I don't want to see her upset, but I don't want to see the alternative. I don't want to see, everyday, her hands locked with his. I don't want to hear the suggestive language as they flirt while I sit silently in the tea room. I don't want to walk in on them kissing, thinking me gone.
 
I don't want it.
 
"I..."
 
I need to say something.
 
Lilly starts to walk, shaking, and holds out her arms to embrace me.
 
I stop her, placing my hand on her shoulder so as to prevent her from advancing.
 
"Hanako... Please..."
 
I don't need your embrace. I know what you're thinking, I don't need your assurance that everything is going to be "okay". I don't need to hear that it might be "for the best".
 
"I... I don't need to be comforted, Lilly."
 
Lilly's expression or posture doesn't change.
 
"If not for you... then for me."
 
I can't believe this. She breaks my heart, tells me it cannot be helped, and now wants to hug me, not for my benefit, but for hers.
 
This, truly, is what I deserve.
 
But it's not what I will allow.
 
"Lilly. I... You're my best friend. But I can't watch this. I-I don't to see you and him together every day, sh-showing me that you have something that I-I'll never have!"
 
I'm shaking now, too.
 
I have to keep going.
 
"If y-you want comfort, you'll h-have to get it from him."
 
The last word is laced with venom, and I wish I could take it back. I wish I could have rephrased that.
 
Despite that, my message hits home. Lilly stands there, shocked. There are no more tears, just her longing for justification, unfulfilled by me.
 
She looks down at my shoes. I still love her, but I can't torture myself with this.
 
She speaks.
 
"Okay."
 
One word, with a million implications. She's not okay. This situation is not okay. I'm not okay.
 
Okay.
 
The next few hours are painful. We "relax", watch television, read, and take strolls outside. Once a reasonable amount of time was passed with the piercingly silent activities, I head back to the summerhouse.
 
I walk inside, expecting to see Hisao. My expectations fail me, and he is not present. I suppose I'm glad that he's not, knowing him, he would probably crack some joke that would set me off, not knowing how I truly feel.
 
On my way to a soft bed and a pillow to cry in, I hear water running in the nearby bathroom. Hisao must have decided to run himself a bath.
 
I suppose Lilly will have to wait on her comfort.