I came here to cry, but It's no use.
 
The anger has largely gone, and so has the despair. I'm left with this empty feeling, perhaps it's some defense mechanism in my mind that prevents me from going into shock.
 
Maybe I am in shock.
 
The bed I am laying on is very expensive. It's set up with high quality fabrics and outrageously soft pillows. The shape of it is somehow rigid under my body, and every inch of cloth feels like sandpaper on my skin.
 
I nearly yelled at them. I almost did a lot of things that I know I would've regretted. This trip was supposed to be a calm escape from Yamaku, but it's just given me a migraine.
 
I told her I couldn't see the two of them together and pretend it was just like it was before. I told her that her happiness was fine, as long as I didn't have to see it.
 
No matter how soft my voice was, everything I said was pure poison. Was there really anything I could say?
 
Lilly was, no, is my best friend. Hisao, too, is my friend. It's not fair to put my feelings above theirs. They are obviously happy together. I should be happy for them. As far as Hisao knows, I am.
 
Hisao...
 
I haven't really thought about how he feels right now. He's probably the happiest man in the world, blissfully unaware of my pain. He has Lilly. He can hold her, kiss her, whisper his secrets in her ear, and he can even...
 
If I couldn't cry before, It's obvious that I can now. The empty feeling I have is temporarily replaced by the release of emotion, flowing out of my eyes.
 
My throat begins to feel coarse, and It reminds me of how thirsty I am. I decide to head to the kitchen and find a drink.
 
I lift myself off of the bed, and hobble towards the door. Exiting the room, I run my hands along the wall of the hallway, feeling the unique texture.
 
"I could do that for you, if you'd like."
 
"Refused."
 
"Why?"
 
Hisao and Lilly must be in the living room. I peek out from the corner of the hall, and see no one there. They are not in the kitchen either.
 
Is my mind playing tricks on me?
 
I suddenly remember: Hisao was running himself a bath. They're in the bathroom.
 
I creep up to the door, trying my hardest to be as quiet as possible. Listening carefully, I kneel down and place my ear to the door.
 
They speak again.
 
"Hisao?"
 
"Hmm?"
 
"You're thinking perverted thoughts, aren't you?"
 
"Give me a break, you're undressing in front of me."
 
It takes the entirety of my willpower to not gasp to myself at their conversation. Are they so quick to be indecent in front of each other, not a day after they become a couple?
 
I feel guilt and pain as I hear the things that they say to each other. This is eavesdropping. This is wrong. This is none of my business.
 
But why does every fiber of my being keep me from moving?
 
Lilly's voice breaks the silence.
 
"I guess this would be somewhat more erotic for you than me."
 
"Why? ...Ah."
 
Hisao. I almost crack a smile at his foolishness, but I remember the situation and it corrupts into a frown.
 
Lilly chuckles in response to his question.
 
"If this is too much for you, Hisao, I can come back later."
 
"No, no, this is fine. I'm just a bit... well... You're really beautiful, you know."
 
Hearing the words that I've dreamt of him directing at me makes me blush, but the knowledge that it's meant for Lilly makes my stomach churn in jealousy.
 
They exchange a few formalities, before splashing and the squeaking of porcelain indicates she has entered the bath with him. My breathing becomes hastened. What are they doing? Do they not care that I'm only a room away?
 
Regardless, they continue. I hear their heavy breathing, and I can only assume by the audible movements of the water that they've sat up against each other.
 
If there's anything I regret right now, it's telling Lilly to go get her comfort from Hisao.
 
"You run your baths quite hot, don't you?"
 
"A bit. Do you want me to run some cold water to cool it down a bit?"
 
"No, this is fine."
 
Their awkward banter, followed by a long and even more awkward silence only makes me think of what must be going on in Lilly's head right now. I've never pushed her away like that, and she must feel awful.
 
Misery loves company, I suppose.
 
The stretch of noiselessness is broken by the sounds of strained movements, and Lilly's voice.
 
"Maybe this was a bit too..."
 
"Don't worry, it's okay."
 
It's becoming clear what Hisao's thoughts are, even without seeing them together. He's just stalling.
 
"You know, compared to Akira, you look a lot more foreign."
 
"I took after my mother's side, genetically. Akira took after my father's more."
 
More inane conversation. I want to leave, but something keeps me here. I stop kneeling uncomfortably and sit against the door frame, quietly.
 
A bit later, something catches my attention.
 
"Everything's settled down, Hanako took our relationship well, and we'll be going back to school tomorrow."
 
I guess he's really doesn't know. There's a pause before Lilly answers.
 
"Indeed. It's a shame to be going back so soon, but we'll still have our memories of this place."
 
Yes. Memories of this place. Memories of two broken hearts.
 
Hisao speaks.
 
"Memories, huh? I suppose so. We'll have to see how everything goes once we get back, but for now... I'm just glad you like me. I've been winding myself up for weeks about that, so I'm thankful for things turning out like this."
 
I knew it. I quiver in the confirmation of my old fears that he's had eyes for her the whole time. His response is a sigh from her.
 
"Hey, Lilly?"
 
"Yes?"
 
"How was it? Last night, that is."
 
My heart stops.
 
Last night; before they even told me. How quick was she to jump into bed with him? An hour? A few minutes?
 
"Hisao, please..."
 
Giggling and heavy breathing leads me to believe they've begun to fondle each other. The mental images of the two of them in the bath present me with more disbelief than pain, to my surprise. Despite this, my body refuses to get up and walk away.
 
My hand finds it's way to my chest, and I feel my heart beat.
 
The sounds of light moans begin to fill the silence, as it becomes obvious he's slipped his fingers between her legs. To my horror, I don't feel any more upset.
 
"Lilly..."
 
Hisao's obviously worked himself up. My horror begins to subside, and intrigue crawls in it's place.
 
I hear more splashing, but it's loud and continuous enough to make me assume they're exiting the bath. What happened? Are they leaving? I prepare to rush to my room, before I hear a sort of hollow thud as I imagine them sitting down on the floor. What else could they be doing?
 
A small gasp is released in the room, barely audible over the squeaking tiles and the sloshing of the recently vacated bathtub. The descriptive noises leave little to the imagination.
 
The following stifled moans and labored exhaling fill my mind, as the only people in my world find love in each other, and I sit here destroyed in a hallway.
 
I think of them, before all of this. What seems like a timeless amount of friendship with Lilly somehow feels incomplete. I don't know why, but I cannot imagine my life without the three of us. Without Hisao.
 
My hand lowers to my stomach, and I slouch down.
 
The sounds of the bathroom, as quiet as they may be, fill my ears as if it was the loudest thing in the world.
 
My hand caresses the elastic of my pajama pants.
 
They breathe each others' names, and the movements of their lust echoes through the door and breaks into my mind.
 
My hand finds it's way into my undergarments.
 
I exhale, my lungs synchronized with theirs. I think of all the things I will never have, all of the people I'll never find love with, and how distant the ones merely a door away are.
 
I think of how I'm destroying myself.
 
"Hisao..."
 
Lilly's harsh breaths seemingly pushes me forward, with only their sounds in my head.
 
"Hisao..."
 
Three's a crowd, Hanako. They're just fine without you. This is all you'll ever have.
 
Their breathing quickens and increases in volume until they suddenly stop.
 
I exhale, shaking.
 
This is what I've become.
 
"That was... Good..."
 
Lilly gulps before responding.
 
"Mm.."
 
I hate myself.