Good day fellow tards. I have come to you in my tripfaggery to bring you a glorious story of my anal expulsions. I've seen many tales on our glorious /b/ detailing trivial poopz. But today, I experienced a shit which I have planned for months, and finally executed, in which rainbows and Jesus might have well have been bursting forth from my anus... It was that glorious.
 
Like most of us, I have tender wet dreams of IRL trolling. After reading some poostories some months ago, I conceived of my brain child, which was birthed through my ass just a few hours ago. For months I planned and has several false starts, after which I chickened out halfway through the process. But this week, I knew that the stores would be filled with eager people buying their gifts. I knew that this was the week that I would rain my anal wrath upon them.
 
I picked my location carefully, a mall far enough away from my home that I doubted I would see anyone, but close enough that I didn't have to waste my motherfucking time driving because I hate that shit. Eight days ago I began my preparation, stuffing my face with foods that would build into a vulgar and rancid shit that would overpower everyone around me, with some corn thrown in there for texture and color.
 
As a daily shitter, holding my excrement in for eight days was no easy task. Originally, I was planning to go 7 days but then I decided I wanted to give my shits a full week to fester within, so day one didn't really count as it had not been processed into shit yet.
 
By Monday of this week I thought my asshole was to burst open at any minute. At one point, I lost a small piece of turd when I shit my pants a little while fapping, but I managed to pinch it off and force the remaining internal shit back into my rectum as far as it would go with a hairbrush. This did loosen my asshole temporarily and could have been counter productive, but it was my first instinct. I was able to fight off the urge to shit for the rest of the week. Until Today.
 
Today was the day I had picked in advance to complete my plan, but even if it hadn't been, I don't think I would have been able to hold my shit for any longer. My stomach was bloated and painful, and I was about constantly clenching my ass to prevent leakage and spilling. I had more than one close call throughout the day.
 
I donned a pair of basketball shorts with no underwear (and motherfucker was it cold), and a sweater/jacket on top, and waddled my desperate shit filled ass to my car to embark on my journey around 6 PM. The mall was/is open rather late tonight for last minute holiday shoppers. With me I brought a "green smoothie" with Lemon. Some nasty concoction some vegan whore once tried to get me to drink in college, which promptly left me shitting my guts out later that day. I thought, despite the fact I was already bursting, that this fast acting laxative effect would put me in a situation where I was unable to back out of my plan. I chugged the green awfulness during my two hour drive to the mall, my stomach churning and my lower intestines aching for release.
Soon, I had arrived at my shit domain.
 
I entered the mall around 8 PM and continuing my waddling, wandered around trying to psyche myself up for the horror show I was about to put on. I questioned myself at this point. What the fuck was I thinking? How could this public humiliation in the name of "lulz" be worth it. I'm a grown ass man (well, I'm a 24 year old college dropout basement dweller, so really I'm just a worthless piece of shit. But i SHOULD be a grown ass man) who held my shit in for over a week just to take a public shit. I questioned whether it was worth it.
 
While walking past a Victorias Secret, and one of those shitty jewelry stores for little kids that does free ear piercing and sells Miley Cyrus crap, the decision was made for me. No longer could I wait, the pressure had built up too much. With a gentle little fart, I shit my pants for the first time in my life, in the middle of public. Only a small turd flew out at first, I felt it settle into the back of my pants before rolling slowly down the leg and out. I froze.
 
I heard some teenaged girls giggle from behind me. And in that moment my embarrassment and shame faded from me. I remembered why I was here, and how far I had traveled to make my mark. I clutched my stomach and let out a gut wrenching screech of agony as I pushed and felt my asshole practically rip open and the back of my pants flood with a mixture of hard turds and wet slop. I feigned panic. Inside, I felt nothing but solace and joy at my actions. But I pretended to be in pain. To be experiencing something I couldn't control, so that when people began to call the police or mall security, I could say that I had a medical emergency.
 
I pulled my pants down just below my ass and didn't let my balls and dick hang out... Was afraid of people saying I had exposed myself, and squatted in a corner behind a potted plant and continued to scream out to God as my asshole exploded all over the ground. When I was possibly 3/4 of the way done, with a crowed of horrified people standing around me (most of them however, just went running off) I pulled my pants up and pretended to cry as I ran away. As I almost reached the door of the bathroom, I fell to my knees and crapped my pants again, screaming out to ask God why.
 
"IT BURNS" I shouted as I forced out some wet, sloppy goo from my asshole that could only have been created by having waited for so long with that vermin in my intestines.
 
With shit streaming down my legs and leaving a trail behind me, I crawled silently across the floor, my eyes downcast. An elderly woman literally walked up to me (wasn't so stupid as to touch me) and told me to lie down and that she would call an ambulance. I insisted that I was alright, and silently pretended to weep. I looked at the horrified faces around me. Most everyone had kept a good distance, horrified by the sloppy corn filled shit I had just smeared across the mall, and nauseated by my stench, but a few people remained closer, looking at me with pity in their eyes.
 
With an inner strength I pulled possibly from Allah but most likely from /b/, I let out a final cry and shoved out the remaining turd, which was more air than anything.
 
At this point, my wrath had been completed. A woman with her hand over her small childs eyes ran past me and out of the mall. I heard one man vomiting into a trash can, which actually incited a few more people to dry heave/vomit. I like to think it was my shit that did it, but they didn't start until that guy vomited, so I can't take all the credit. Probably the combination of my slopshit smeared across half the mall and his vomit set them off.
 
Most people just looked on from the distance in horror as I excused myself to the bathroom. Inside, I cleaned myself up calmly the best I could (I mean, my pants were covered in shit and it was all over me so I just wiped most of it off my legs) and walked out somberly.
 
The story starts to wind down here guys, but to me the wrap up is just as sweet as my exploding anus. As I left, my shit was already covered paper, with the wet parts covered in what appeared to be kitty litter. During my escapade, I had also apparently pissed myself a bit, which I always piss when I shit so it's not shocking, but I was so wrapped up in the experience I barely noticed it until I was finished and noticed the wetness.
 
So there I stood, in the mall surrounded by my feces, watching mall officials block it off and prepare for the epic clean, wearing shitstained pants with piss all over the front of them, stinking of such epic shit.
 
Of course, someone had called the police and the EMTs. And the best part? They ended up offering my sympathy. I encountered them as I walked out, proudly. But upon their confrontation, I feigned humiliation and sadness. I told them I had been so desperately constipated for weeks that I couldn't control myself, and I attempted to run to the bathroom but couldn't make it. I pretended to weep. The officers were holding back laughter the entire time, which would have sucked if I really had some uncontrollable shitting problem, and one of them suggested as straight faced as he could that I use an adult diaper. They took my name and info, and after I spoke to the EMT's, they all let me mosey on home. It's not a crime to shit your pants. I was informed that I should not have pulled my pants down and that they'll be reviewing the security tapes, but I haven't heard from them yet and it's been a good few hours.
 
So anyway.
Win.