>It's dark in the cave.
>The others tell you you're wrong.
>They say it's bright in some places, but you know they're lying.
>It's always dark.
>"Come on Blinky, you're gonna miss it!"
>You're greatful.  Really you are, but you've never understood the appeal.
>It's always so noisy.
>And dark.
>"Go on without me.  I'll meet our new friend tomorrow."
>Squishy groans.
>"Fine.  You're no fun."
>You hear him running off into the distance, his steps making squelching noises that echo off the walls of the world.
>For a minute, you hope this one is dead.
>It's rare for you to get any; the others are so much better at shoving than you.
>But it's always so tasty.
>The Maker's 'oopsies' are always so tasty.
>You think better of it.  You'd appreciate a new friend more than you would a slim chance at an ethereal reward.
>The others grow quiet.  She must be here.
>"Bye bye, Flappy."
>A soft thud indicates he or she has been caught.
>Flappy, huh?  Not very many of you have wings.
 
>You sit on a bench at the edge of town.
>You're waiting for Dash.  She's supposed to meet you here, but she's probably napping somewhere.
>There's a pink splotch bouncing down the road over there.
>What would Pinkie be doing in the forest?
>You know what, nevermind.  You're sure you'd rather not know.
>"Hi Anon!"
>"Hey Pinkie."
>"Watcha doin'?"
>"Just waiting for Dash.  We're gonna go try rocket-jousting."
>Her eyes grow incredibly wide at the word rocket, then absurdly so at the word joust.
>She pounces up into your face, smiling so hard you're afraid her face is going to break.
>"Can I come?  Huh?  Can I can I can I?"
>"Probably?  I really don't know all the details.  You'll have to ask her."
>She leaps off of you and starts rapidly scanning the sky.
>"Where is she?"
>"If I knew, I wouldn't be sitting here waiting, now would I?"
>Pinkie plops down on the ground and harrumphs.
>"I guess I'll just have to wait, too."
>"Don't have anything important to take care of today?"
>"Nopey-dopey.  Well, okay, I DID, but I already did so I don't!"
>You shrug, scoot over, and pat the open space on the bench.
>In one swift motion, Pinkie rises, jumps, and lands.
>Just as she does so, Dash comes streaking out of the sky and slams into the ground.
>There's smoke curling off the gleaming metal contraption on her back.
>"Hehe... this thing's a little hard to get used to."
>"OH MY GOSH DASHIE, CAN I GO WITH YOU GUYS?"
>"Uh... sure?  What are you even doing out here?"
>"I just had to make a delivery."
>Dash turns to you and quirks an eyebrow.
>You shrug.
 
>You're glad Flappy was alive.  She's so much fun to play with, and she can even fly!
>Usually the friends with wings can't use them right.
>They're at the wrong angle or they're broken or they have holes in them.
>But not Flappy!  Squishy says her wings are just like in the picture books and they don't have any holes in them and she can fly!
>Okay, not quite yet.  She can only hover for a little while before she gets tired, but still.  She's young, she just needs time.
>There's a loud bang sound and Flappy starts crying.
>Some friends are running in your direction and yelling.
>It's time to hide again.
>THEY're here.
>You hate them so much.  You wish they would all die.
>You're really glad Flappy isn't one of them.
>An angry and intimidating voice bounces around the world.
>"My sources tell me the Maker brought us a winger yesterday.  Where is it?"
>You huddle and try your best to hide Flappy in a hug.
>She's small and they're far away.
>"We already ate her.  Her neck broke when she landed."
>There's a tense silence.
>"Mind if we look around?"
>"Go ahead!"
>Hoofsteps start circling around the area.  They're always so impatient, they aren't searching very carefully.
>They pass right by you.
>You hold your breath.
>After a few minutes, you can hear them leaving.
>Friends start talking again.
>You breath a sigh of relief.
>You hear Squishy approaching.
>"Is she okay?"
>You uncurl and nod.
>Flappy giggles happily.
 
>Rocket-jousting is the most amazing (and terrifying) thing you've ever done.
>Seriously.  You don't even have words to describe it.
>Like, fuck, the language center of your brain is shutting down here and the best thing you can come up with is "It's like a cyborg Abraham Lincoln boxing a tyranosaurus rex made of bacon and lava while fucking a supermodel made of cocaine."
>And that doesn't make ANY goddamn sense.
>You've caught your breath.  It's time for another round.
>You pick up the rocket and the marshmallow lance (What, you thought you were using real ones?  There's a difference between fun/stupid/likely to severely injure you and fun/retarded/almost guaranteed to kill you.)
>You glance over at Pinkie.
>She's grinning like a crazy mare and making motorcycle revving noises.
>You flash her a smile and she nods.
>The two of you take your positions.
>"ThreetwooneGO!"
>Wait, what?
>Caught off guard, you're slammed into the ground and dragged a good forty feet under Pinkie.
>Your back is chafed beyond belief, and for a moment you don't move.  You just lie still and groan.
>Pinkie sits on top of you smiling.
>"I think I won that round."
>You grunt.
>For a minute, she spaces out and stares into the distance.
>She shakes her head, snaps out of it, and looks back at you.
>"Hey Anon?"
>"Yeah?"
>"Are you doing anything this Saturday?"
>Dafuq?  Doesn't she have a party to run?  Like she does EVERY Saturday?  And Sunday?  And Monday?  And...
>"I guess not?"
>She looks away for a second and puts a hoof on your chest.
>Her eyes loop back around to you as she draws a small circle on you.
>"Wanna come over to my place?"
>...
 
>The not-friends with horns are always terrible.
>You don't know why.
>They think they're so special just because they have horns.
>But what good are they?
>The friends with wings can fly, maybe.
>But the horns?  Those don't do anything.
>Everyone says they make light, but you don't believe in that.
>It's always dark.
>Sometimes, they talk about leaving the world.
>They say there's a place called outside and that's where picture books and balloons and fluffies come from.
>NONE of the friends believe that.
>Those things come from the Maker, just like everything else.
>Even the not-friends.
>They don't like the Maker.
>None of the friends like them.
>Patchy says they're just jealous that the Maker doesn't give them picture books.
>Or balloons.
>Or fluffies.
>Maybe he's right.
 
>Dash trots over.
>Pinkie stares into your eyes with a look you can't quite place on her face.
>"So do ya?"
>Right, you haven't answered yet.  Uh...
>Dash pushes Pinkie off of you and pulls you up.
>Then she steps behind you and removes your rocket.
>There were only two, so you have to take turns.
>"Come on, Pinkie.  Let's see you try that one on ME."
>Pinkie continues to stare at you for a few seconds before turning back to Dash and putting on her best serious face.
>"Let's ride."
>What was THAT about?
>Whatever.  Pinkie's crazy.
>You sit up, gingerly rub your back, and prepare to enjoy the show.
>You just wish you had popcorn.
>As amazing as Dash is, Pinkie is just unpredictable enough to have a shot.
 
>You and Squishy and Flappy and Patchy and Wobbly all snuggle together for warmth as the little cold starts.
>The little cold happens when everyone says it gets dark.
>It's unpleasant, but if you huddle together it's not so bad.
>Some friends don't like to touch Squishy because he feels different.
>He's not poofy and then rough.  He's just smooth and wet.
>But it's okay because he's a friend and he's warm.
>You're happy that it's not the big cold.
>Sometimes, after lots and lots of little colds, the big cold comes and ALL the friends have to stay together.
>When the big cold comes some of the friends don't make it, but their bodies are good at holding on to the warm.
>If all the friends who still make warm stick together, the ones who stopped help make the warm stay.
>So instead of being sad, the friends are greatful that the friend traded himself to help share the warm.
>But right now isn't the big cold.
>It's just a little cold, and all the friends are okay.
>Flappy is sleeping peacefully next to you and Patchy.
>She has all the warm she needs.
 
>That night, you're walking back home with Dash.
>The two of you are going to unwind with movies and booze.
>Or booze and movies.  Whichever.
>"Anon?"
>"Hm?"
>"Do you... nevermind.  It's not important."
>"well now you have to tell me."
>"It's nothing, really."
>You lean in closer.
>"Dash..."
>"Just... be careful with Pinkie, okay?"
>"Watchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
>"I think she's even crazier than you realize, that's all.  I've... heard things."
>"Cut the shit, Dash.  Just tell me what you're getting at."
>She blushes lightly and scuffs a hoof along the ground.
>"She may look dinky, but Pinkie is kinky."
>"What?"
>"That's... that's the saying.  She's... into a lot of things."
>"And why exactly do you know about that?"
>"Who DOESN'T know?  She's the most popular mare in town for a reason!"
>"Because of her charming personality?"
>"Because she'll buck anything that moves!"
 
>You hear some shuffling.
>You wish it wasn't always so dark so you could see.
>It's scary when it's dark.
>Those are definitely hoofsteps.
>...
>And whispering!
>"They got a live one today.  I know they did."
>"We didn't see anything."
>"Well you weren't looking hard enough!"
>As quietly as you can, you scoot Flappy closer to you.
>You try your best to hide her, but you can't squeeze too tight or she might wake up.
>Why can't the not-friends go away?
>What do they want with Flappy?  She didn't do anything to them!
>They can't even be jealous because Flappy never got a picture book or a balloon or a fluffy!
>Maybe they're just jealous because she can fly and they can't.
>Okay, she can't fly YET, but she WILL.
>And they won't get to do anything except sit in the dark and tell lies about light.
>It's not a big cold, but you shiver a lot anyway.
 
>Wait a second...
>"So you're saying you think she... wants to get into my pants?"
>"You're forgetting the kinky part.  She wants to... I dunno, fill your pants with pudding and then slurp it out while bouncing on a trampoline with her hooves tied behind her head and a turnip wedged where the sun don't shine."
>You stare blankly.
>"You have... quite an imagination, there."
>She blushes.
>"I was just trying to slap together the weirdest thing I could think of."
>"Well it sounds hot."
>Hey look, her wings are doing that thing.
>"Yeah, well trust me whatever she wants to do is a hundred times freakier."
>You put on a stupid smile.
>"Sounds even hotter."
>She sighs.
>"Listen, just be careful okay?  Pinkie's cool.  She's a great friend, and she's a lot of fun to hang out with.  Just promise me you'll hang out WITH her and not IN her, okay?"
>You give her a salute.
>"Aye, captain."
>She gives you a playful shove.
>"I mean it.  We have a saying here.  Don't stick it in crazy."
>"Relax.  I won't.  Besides, she's not my type.  I'd much rather have any of the rest of you swizzle my dizzle.  'Cept maybe Rarity.  Fuck that bitch, she nothin' but a gold digger."
>She's blushing again.
>You give her a light poke.
>"I said, 'cept dat bitch, amirite?"
>She bumps her hoof to your fist.
>"Yeah."
 
>It's been a long time since the Maker came back.
>There haven't been any new friends or anything for lots of little colds.
>Patchy says there'll be a big cold soon.
>Flappy can make little words now, but she still can't really fly.
>You teach her about all kinds of things, and it makes her happy.
>You like it when she's happy.  It makes you warm even when you're not cold.
>The not-friends haven't come back since that night.
>None of the friends know where they went.
>The world is big, and parts of it are scary and dangerous, so the friends don't go looking.
>The friends like to stay near where the Maker comes.
>They say it gets the most light.
>You wish they would stop lying.
>Squishy told Flappy about the light, but she didn't believe him.
>She agrees with you.
>She says it's always dark and scary.
>But it's okay, because it's hard to be scared when you're together.
 
>Welp, Dash was right.
>For a couple of months now, Pinkie's been trying all sorts of ridiculous nonsense to get with you.
>You're not sure what the cause is.  You're pretty sure she was normal-
>Well, as normal as Pinkie can be, anyway.
>You're pretty sure she was normal until the rocket-jousting, but ever since that day she has been more stuck to your grill than the permanent foul substance stuck to the grill at Mcdonalds.
>You hate to admit it, but a couple of times she's hit a few of the right buttons.
>You roll the dice and try enough fetishes, sooner or later you'll hit the jackpot.
>God, you swear you had a great dick joke for this.  The boner-jackpot or something, but not that.
>Regardless, she's starting to get your dick's attention.
>But A) she's a pony and B) you said you wouldn't.  So no, bad boner.
>Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
>Is a boner wearing a top hat and a monocle funny?  You're suddenly picturing the Monopoly guy, but in the form of a dick.
>You decide the monocle is stupid and the top hat is slightly funny.  You discard the joke.
>There's a knock at your door.
>Well now who could that be at this hour?  Y'know, besides Pinkie, who it obviously is.
>You open the door to find... a blue pony?  Blue isn't pink!
 
>Patchy says he's worried.
>The Maker has never stayed gone for so long and he wonders if maybe we made her mad.
>One of the not-friends came to us and said he wanted to be a friend.
>He said the not-friends were doing really scary things, and he didn't want to be with them anymore.
>Most of the friends didn't believe him, and they hit him with rocks.
>He lost a lot of his warm.  It came out in the slick on the floor and the friends got even more mad at him.
>Warm is supposed to be used to get through the cold, and he was wasting it.
>Plus the none of the friends like the slick.  It smells like the pointy rocks.
>He cried until they stopped.
>It was the little cold, and they wanted to cuddle together so they stopped hitting him.
>Squishy felt sorry for him and decided to sleep next to him.
>You remember when nobody wanted to be with Squishy.  It was so sad.
>You still don't trust him, but you decide to go with Squishy.
>"What's your name?"
>"S-s-snappy..."
>You and Squishy curl up with Snappy.
>Flappy joins the rest of you.
 
>Well this is certainly a new one.
>At your door is Pinkie Pie, head to hoof in blue paint.
>It looks like she tried to dye her hair rainbow and straighten it out, but it didn't work very well.
>She has cardboard wings taped to her back.
>"Hey bro.  'Sup?  Booze o' clock?"
>"Pinkie, what the hell?"
>She frowns and pulls off the wings.
>"Aww, what gave me away?"
>You say nothing and maintain a stern 'son I am disappoint' face.
>"Was it the smell of the paint?  It's edible so I could get rid of it easier, and if you smell real close it's kinda like blueberries."
>She licks her hoof and grins.
>She turns and thrusts her flank toward you.
>"Want a lick?"
>"No, Pinkie.  I don't."
>She puts her ass back behind her and sits on it, crossing her forehooves.
>"Man, what do I gotta do?  I've tried all my standards and it is just impossible to get through to you!"
>"...Why'd you dress up like Dash?"
>"Really?  I guess I had you pegged all wrong.  This is gonna be harder than I thought."
 
>The big cold is happening.
>It was hard, but you and Squishy convinced the friends to let Snappy stay.
>Snappy is nice.  He's helping Flappy learn to fly.
>You would do it if you could, but it's too dark.
>Instead you hug her and offer words of encouragement.
>A little before the big cold, you found a fluffy and you gave it to her.
>She was so happy.
>It's okay that you can't help her fly.
>The Maker still hasn't come back.
>Lots of friends think something bad happened to her.
>Like maybe she touched a pointy rock and lost all her warm.
>She has to have slick and warm, just like the rest of you, right?
>Everything that's alive has the slick and the warm.
>There's no point in thinking about it.
>You snuggle up next to Flappy and Patchy and Squishy and Snappy and enjoy sharing the warm.
>You're glad Snappy didn't lose all of his when the friends threw the rocks at him.
 
>It's an especially cold winter.
>You're REALLY greatful for all the nice clothes and blankets Rarity's made for you.
>Maybe she's not such a bitch afterall.
>Really, all the ponies have their charms.
>There's a knock at your door.
>You peek out the window and see Pinkie shivering in the cold.
>You open the door.
>"What are you doing out there?"
>Her teeth are chattering.
>"Oh Anon... it's... it's so cold... could you p-p-p-please hold me until I warm up?"
>"Pinkie, I have a fireplace RIGHT THERE."
>She immediately stops shivering and groans loudly.
>"You know what?  I give up.  I've been so busy chasing you that I haven't gotten any in forever.  I'm too horny for this nonsense."
>She turns and leaves.
>You shut the door.
>Man, ponies are WEIRD.
 
>Screaming.
>Everything is screaming and it's so hot and it smells.
>It smells like the slick and it also smells like something new.
>How is it hot when now is the big cold?
>You start trying to run away from the hot.
>You don't know where you're going.  All you know is that this hot is even worse than the big cold and you need to get away.
>"Blinky, this way!"
>It sounds like Patchy.
>You follow the sound of his voice and you run as fast as you can.
>You run until it stops being hot.
>"What happened?"
>Patchy is crying.
>"Snappy wasn't a friend!  He made a weird light with his horn and then Squishy started screaming and then more not-friends came and... everything was horrible!"
>"You're lying!  Snappy WAS a friend!"
>"No!  He made the weird light and lots of friends are dead!  I think Squishy is dead, too!"
>"That can't be true!  There's no such thing as light!"
>"Blinky listen-"
>There's a horrible wailing sound.
>You recognize it.
>Flappy is crying.
 
>It was nice for everything to go back to normal.
>Pinkie apparently went and found a nice stallion to do... whatever with.
>She went back to treating you normally, and you were glad.
>Especially because you think she really WAS starting to get through to you.
>But you're no furry, and you're not gonna go putting your dick in a horse.
>These ponies are great, and you love your life here in Equestria.
>You're just gonna hang with these wonderful pony friends of yours.
>Especially your best bro Dash.  She's just... the greatest, y'know?
>Just the other day she came to you with a fantastic new idea.
>It'd take a while to explain.
>Just try to imagine a cross between golf and a destruction derby, but with lots more exploding.
>The two of you went to invite Pinkie, but she was just leaving.
>She said she had a delivery to make.
 
>There are more friends than not-friends.
>Once all of the friends who weren't hot got together, they went back and threw rocks at the not-friends until they left or died.
>You hate the not-friends.
>You hate Snappy.
>Squishy was nice to Snappy, and he killed him.
>...
>Flappy didn't make it either.
>She never got to really fly.
>A lot of little colds after the big cold when the hot happened, the Maker started coming back.
>She brought lots and lots of picture books and balloons and fluffies and even new things.
>The friends haven't decided what to call the new things yet.
>One day she came bringing another friend.
>You decided to go this time.
>It was loud until it got quiet.
>She said "Goodbye Dizzy."
>The new friend landed right in your hooves.
>It was dark, but you caught it anyway.  It must have been your lucky day.
>You felt it.
>It was a him.
>He giggled and gurgled at you.
>You felt a horn on his head.
>The new friend had a horn.
>He wasn't a friend at all.  You hate horns.
>You snapped Dizzy's neck.
>He was delicious.