Line 5
>when we hit came to the Beijing
um
 
>who called us over to his table the moment they laid eyes on us.
"his" and "they" don't work together
 
Line 7
>Molly's takes a sip
I don't even
 
>"He see's me
No
 
Line 9
>the girl
The end of line 5 says it's just Hisao, Molly, and a boy
 
Line 25
>'hold on
You still have to capitalize that
>a jug,”
this should have single quotes, not double
 
Line 33
>the second girl
Aww tits, now there's another girl who magic'd her way in
>She frowns
and then she frowns again in line 35
 
Line 39
>sisters
no
>rediculous
no
 
Line 43
>cheecks
no
 
Also the transition would be like 2 lines long. Hisao says he gotta go quick to the bathroom, then he walks over and gets ambushed by Kenji who holds a cloth up to his mouth/nose that isn't chloroform.
 
 
 
 
I'll be more content with talking about the use of OCs and pacing and shit later on, but that first part was typo'd to hell and back.