>Be Anon
>Guard Stallion Green
>Slacker Extraordinaire
 
>The Sun Shines.
>Wake On Time.
>Your Mind Whines.
>Welcome to Life in Equestria.
>It's snowing on Mt. Fuji.
>You rise out of bed, grimacing again at your fated job.
>You don't know why you had agreed to a job that would get you up this early.
>One shit shower and salt lick later, you begin your walk from the barracks.
>What is your job?
>Why only the most esteemed of positions!
>Being a living statue outside the throne room.
>It sucked.
>Which is why you had jumped at the chance to guard a new ambassador that had arrived late last night.
>That had been a shock.
 
>You and your fellow guards were just having poker night when BOOM.
>Celestia on your poker table.
>Drinks everywhere but your stomach.
>Cards scattered to the winds.
>"So which of you would like a to volunteer for a new position? Just opened!"
>She looked no less regal than on her throne.
>Except for the poker chips in her hair.
>You got up first.
"I'll go I guess."
>You wobble a bit from the booze.
>But it was fine, you couldn't have had that much.
>"Excellent! Be at Room 301, Hall 34, Wing D, Section 66 by 0800. I'll explain then."
>And then she disappeared.
>You fell back over onto the poker table.
>What did you just agree to?
 
>So, here you are.
>Walking down a hallway you're sure you've never been to before.
>You perk your ears.
>Is that yelling?
>Ugh, if someone is in danger, that means you might actually have to do your job.
>You could pretend you didn't hear.
>Just turn around, walk the other direction.
>It’s probably nothing.
>You snap back to reality.
>The sounds become louder.
>You better lea-
>”Ah, Anon, good to see you’re here on time!”
>Dammit.
>You turn and salute Princess Celestia.
“At your service, Princess!”
>You hide your disappointment.
>After all, even if you hated guarding, your drill instructor never let you catch a break.
>He’d drilled that training into you harder than a buffalo in mating season.
>”Thank you, my little pony. Your new charge should be here in 3. 2. 1-“
 
>”-and what does he mean ‘I smell good’? Are all the stallions like that?”
>”N-no ma’am, I assure you, that one, he was a little, er, special.”
>You watch the guard mare escort some kind of strange minotaur around the corner.
>Except it has no fur.
>It doesn’t have stupid, bulging arms.
>And it’s mane… actually looks kind of nice.
>The whole creature is covered in cloth.
>What the buck?
“Permission to speak freely, your highness?”
>Of course!”
“What is that thing?”
>”What is what thing?”
>You snap your head around.
>The weird minotaur is standing right behind you.
>Oh you’ve done it now.
>It’s clearly female.
>That high pitch.
>The raised eyebrow.
>Shit, you’ve hit the doghouse and you haven’t even learned its- her name.
>Quick, do something guard-like
 
>You snap to attention.
“Royal Guard Anonymous at your service ma’am!”
>She steps back at your volume.
>”Royal guard?”
>Her face softens.
>You notice she has brilliant green eyes.
“My apologies ma’am. I did not realize you were my new charge.”
>The mare(?) looks over at the princess.
>Damn she’s tall.
>”Is this what you meant last night after you said you need to fix something for me?”
>”Why yes it is Susan. I felt it would be in your benefit to have a personal guard while you’re here.”
>”Well, I guess I can’t complain about that.”
>She seems to have forgotten about your rudeness earlier.
 
>Phew.
>You dodged an arrow there buddy.
>Your already have bad luck with women.
>Maybe because you've never done anything besides stare at them from across the room.
>You better not fuck up.
>Who knows how an ambassador would react.
>"Now then Anon. This is Susan."
>"She has a rather unique set of circumstances as a new ambassador, which I'll let her tell you."
>"Be on your best guard though. While her presence is relatively secret, some ponies might stir up trouble."
>"I'll leave you to it!"
>Celestia disappears in a flash of golden light.
>Aaaand now you're alone with whatever Susan is.
>The mare you just insulted.
>The mare who is now looking you over.
>You can feel them.
>Her eyes, they burn.
"W-well then ma'am. I"m here to serve. Where are you off to this morning?"
>You have to get this right or you'll be out of a job.
>Why did you ever agree to guarding an ambassador?
>"First, breakfast. I'm starving"
>She starts walking down the hallway.
>Is there a dining room that way?
>You don't know, you've never been here!
>Think you nitwit.
>The wings are basically set up the same, right?
>Ok, so, carry the five, subtract the door and multiply by pies...
 
>You don't know how you managed it but you got Susan to the dining room.
>She was silent the whole time, letting you correct her path if she went astray.
>You got damn lucky colt.
>"Thanks, uh, Anon."
>Her voice doesn't sound as tight.
>Look at you, finding directions and shit.
>Something to write home to mom about.
>Oh wait, she got tired of your lazy ass and sent you into the guard.
>Susan looks around for something.
"Let me ring the server. They may not be expecting you.
>You find the pullsting and give it a yank with your hooves.
"They should be here in a minute or two.
>Susan's face sits in a frown, her eyes glazed.
>She's not listening to you
Observe
>Susan has seated herself towards the edge of the room.
>The dining hall is completely empty except for the two of you.
>Good, no one will see you ogling, er, observing your new charge.
>You do your best to seem on watch while you totally-aren’t-checking-her-out.
>Her mane is a medium brown and falls just past her shoulders.
>Her shirt is black and her pants a faded blue.
>She seems to be wearing some kind of special horseshoe.
>She’s as tall as the Princess.
>She has hands, just like a minotaur would but her shoulders and upper body aren’t much wider than her hips.
>Minotaurs always have tiny waists but hers is the same width as her barrel – or is it chest?
>You never delved into the realms of tauren anatomy.
>Fucking beefy-plot cow people.
>Speaking of her barrel….
>What are those big balls hanging off of it?
>Is she transporting fruit under her shirt?
>What is the point of that?
>Susan shifts slightly and you freak, thinking she noticed your gaze.
>She keeps staring into the distance however, brow creased.
>Hoo, don’t get antsy now anon.
>The weird chest things jiggle as she moves.
>Almost like a pregnant mares-
>It couldn’t be.
>Are those her teats!?
>They’re huge!
>Why are they on her chest?
>Wait, is she pregnant?
>Why would the make a pregnant mare an ambassador?
>You look again.
>She's not showing.
>Maybe she's still early on.
>You take some time to process all this new information.
>Let’s review the facts.
>Your new charge is an ambassador.
>She could be some kind of minotaur but doesn’t look very much like them.
>She arrived late last night.
>She’s wearing clothes, meaning she probably comes from some kind of important family.
>Combined with the fact that she’s an ambassador, anyone would be stupid to cross her.
>And you have already pissed her off.
>How can you possibly salvage this?
>Wait, if she's a minotaur, mare is the wrong word, isn't it?
>What are female minotaurs called again?
>Was it cow?
>Or was it heifer?
 
>You think it's cow.
>Probably.
>Now.
>Is she pregnant?
>You look back over at her.
>Those are swollen far larger than anything you've seen on a mare.
>But then, this isn't a pony.
>Maybe minotaurs have them larger?
>You scrunch your muzzle up.
>You may have to just ask her.
>Also, if she's pregnant, shouldn't you make extra sure she's getting what she needs?
>It would explain all the yelling earlier.
>You should probably see if she needs something besides food.
>Maybe an extra cushion.
>Ooo, wait, that sounds like work.
>Hmmm....
>Work harder?
>Or pretend you noticed nothing and stay in the doghouse like the neutered mutt you are?
>...
>The doghouse is not fun.
>The silence is oppressing.
>Better go for it.
>You step towards her but stop.
>Couldn't you just wait for the servant to take care of it?
>After all, you don't know where anything is in this wing.
>It was a miracle you made it to the dining room.
>So maybe you should chicken out.
>No, wait.
>This is your chance.
>You could finally change your ways.
>Be more than a loser.
>You can do it.
>You walk over.
"Excuse me ma'am. Do you need anything?"
>She shakes herself out of her reverie.
>"What?"
"Do you need anything? I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't offer assistance to a pregnant cow like yourself."
 
>She stares at you.
>No, that's a glare.
>She isn't saying anything even though her mouth is open.
>You start sweating a little.
>She clenches her fist and grits her teeth.
>You begin to wonder if maaaaaaaaybe you said something wrong.
>Then she punches your muzzle.
>"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?"
>Definitely said something wrong.
>She grabs your ears and start pulling.
"I, uh- that, uh-"
>"DO I LOOK THAT FAT TO YOU ASSHOLE!?"
>She shoves your muzzle down and leaps on your back.
>You buckle at the unexpected weight but are relieved to find she's rather light.
>"HOW ABOUT NOW LITTLE PONY? WEIGH TOO MUCH?"
>Mildly relieved.
>After all, now you're panicking around the room while she steers you with your ears.
>"YEAH, RUN YOU SPINELESS GELDING!"
>You neigh fearfully.
>This is how it ends.
>Being ridden by a minotaur until she beats you senseless.
>You had a good run, you think.
>After all, at least you didn't die in a war or some other heroic bullshit.
>Maybe they'll use you as a warning to other guards.
>After they figure out what exactly you did wrong.
>You turn into a chair and both of you going flying
>What happened next can only be explained as a miracle brought on by basic guard training.
>You thank your drill sergeant, Celestia bless his soul.
>Not that he's dead but you're going to bow to him next time you see him anyway.
>You land heavily on the floor, cracking your head against it.
Your hind legs connect with something as they kick outwards and you hear it clatter away.
>When you open your eyes, the co-
>NOT A COW
>The mare is on top of you.
>You're holding her against you protectively.
>For a moment you look into her eyes.
>Rage and confusion stare back.
>You only hope your fear is showing.
>In a flash you stand up and prostrate yourself, seeing an opportunity.
"I'M SORRY MA'AM! I'M NOT SURE HOW I HAVE OFFENDED YOU BUT PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON THIS UNWORTHY SOUL!"
>You're going to pretend you didn't almost piss yourself.
 
>You cower in fear.
>You dare not look up at her, keeping your face glued to the floor.
>30 seconds pass.
>Is she still upset?
>You haven't heard her walk away.
>On the plus side, she hasn't started beating you again.
>Also, your nose isn't bleeding as much.
>A minute passes.
>You hear a scraping noise and a creak.
>You left your head just enough to peek up at her.
>Susan is leaning back over the chair, hand to her face.
>You keep quiet.
>You'd apologize again but clearly your mouth is best kept shut.
>Also, you still feeling a little woozy from hitting your helmeted head on the ground and standing might be difficult.
>She sighs.
>"Alright, I'll give you a chance - ONE CHANCE - to explain yourself."
>The rage is barely constrained.
"Yes, right away, um- right. So. I, uh-"
>Spit it out!"
"Ithoughtyouwereaminotaurandsothereforeacowsincethat'safemaleminotaurandsinceyourteatsaresoswollenifiguredyouhadtobepregnantandi'msosorry!"
>She blinks a few times.
>"Take a breath and say it again, slower."
>You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself.
>You aren't calm.
"Okay, so, um, you're a minotaur, right? A-and a female minotaur is a cow, right? And then, um, your teats are very swollen, so, I-I thought you must be pregnant even though you aren't showing yet. Which is weird but then I thought maybe minotaurs are different but what was also weird is that they made you an ambassador even though you're pregnant but what do I know about minotaur culture clearly nothing since I've offended you and I'm sorry I'll shut up now."
>She's glaring at you again, mouth open.
>By Celestia's and Luna's bounteous plots, you've done it again.
>You've dug your grave too deep.
>You can't look away.
>She's bringing her hands towards you.
>This is it, she'll choke the life out of you.
>Wait.
>She's... petting your muzzle?
>She starts giggling.
>Or is it cackling?
>You hope it's the former
 
>Susan's still laughing.
>It's been 3 minutes.
>She hasn't stopped stroking your muzzle either.
>You're definitely a lot calmer now.
>You think if she was going to do something, she would have by now.
>The stroking is nice too.
>Her hands are very soft.
>You'll admit to leaning into it a bit.
>After all, if you're wrong and are about to die, this is the closest you'll ever get to cuddling.
>You would have liked to at least cuddle one pony before death.
>You perk up as her laughter dies down.
>She wipes tears from her eyes and smiles at you.
>Oh, be still, your beating heart.
>Your heart skipped a beat and there's a little flutter in your stomach.
>It's gone in a moment though.
>She did just ride your plot around the room after all.
>You're still a little terrified.
>"I guess Celestia never said anything to you huh?"
>You shake your head, unsure of what she means.
>She takes her hand from your snout and runs it through her mane.
>You're slightly disappointed.
>Only slightly.
>No one can prove anything.
>"Well anon, it's like this. I'm not from around here. And by here, I mean this planet."
>You shake your, even more confused now.
>"I, well, I'm a human. Not a minotaur. And I live... elsewhere. Another dimension, I think."
>Wait, dimensional travel?
>Your eyes become saucers.
>You swear your mouth hits the floor.
>It's just like one of your neighponese animus!
>It's a good thing you're an earth pony or your wings would be flapping in excitement.
>An honest-to-Luna alien!
>And you're guarding her!
>You regret nothing now.
>"Haha, yeah, it's shocking I know. So, no, I'm not a cow."
>Irritation seeps back into her voice for just a moment.
>"I'm a woman. A girl. That's the term for female human."
>She reaches out and starts stroking your muzzle again.
>"Sorry about your nose. Maybe if I hadn't been... If I was thinking, I could have told you all this first"
"No, I-I should have asked first."
 
>You lean back into her hand.
>This feels great.
>It's not sensual or anything.
>Just being petted makes you feel at peace.
>"Someone's enjoying themselves."
>Your eyes snap open.
>You pull away from the glorious scritchies.
"I-I, uh..."
>You shake your head vigorously, trying to rid your face of the blush.
>She giggles again and you smile.
>Her laugh, now that you're not terrified of her, sounds like little bells on a wind chime.
>"It's okay. I'm not mad. I'll take your apology and that can be mine."
"O-okay, thanks. I really am sorry about the pregnant cow thing."
>Her eye twitches.
>"It's alright, so let's just drop it, kay?"
>She flips her mane out of her face.
>"Oh, and for the record, I'm not pregnant. These are just always like this."
>She gestures towards her chest teats, which jiggle slightly.
>As if realizing what she just did, she crosses her arms in front of them.
>"Don't worry about that."
>You can only nod numbly.
>That was a doozy she just dropped on you.
>Another dimension?
>Not a minotaur?
>Big, natural chest teats?
>That's a lot for a stallion to take in.
>You realize you're still lying down and move into the chair next to her.
"So, um, if you don't mind my asking..."
>Careful now.
>Don't want anymore beatings.
>She looks at you curiously.
"How did you get here from another dimension?"
>She grimaces and clasps her hands together, looking away from you.
>You backpedal quickly.
"It's not that important, I-I was just wondering. I'm s-sorry if I offended you."
>Look at your stutter.
>Disgusting.
>Have confidence, you slug.
>Susan looks back at you.
>"No, no, I'm not offended. It's just..."
>She sighs.
>"A long story."
>A loud clunk makes you both jump.
>At the door, a unicorn in a suit raises an eyebrow.
>"You rang, sir and madam?
 
>The waiter looks at your nose.
>You look at your nose.
>While it's no longer bleeding, the drying blood is still there.
>Susan looks at your nose.
>You and Susan look at each other.
>Susan looks at the waiter and smiles sheepishly.
>The waiter looks at Susan, eyebrows flat.
>You clear your throat.
"Ah, yes sir. My charge and I were looking to acquire breakfast."
>The waiter looks at you.
>"Your charge?
>Chance!
"Yes, you see sir, this fine madam is an ambassador from a distant land and has been through a grueling trial in order to reach us here in Canterlot. As she arrived late last night, she is most famished. I would hate to keep her waiting."
>Your eyes flicker to your nose.
>The waiter's eyebrows rise about two millimeters but he seems to get the message as he whips out a notepad.
>You hoof pump internally.
>Scaring the nobility, even their servants, was always a good time.
>You sneak a glance at Susan.
>She doesn't appear to have noticed anything happened.
>You aren't sure if you're glad or disappointed.
>"What would you like this morning, most esteemed guest?"
>"Um, I don't suppose you have french toast?"
>"Prench toast madam? Yes we do. Is that all you'd like?"
>"Oh, I, no. I'll have some b- er, you know, just that and two eggs over-easy, thanks."
>It's a good thing you ate something before you walked over here, because the unicorn turns and leaves immediately.
>Rude.
>At least your hangry charge will get something
>Speaking of which, you should probably try for a better impression.
"So.. Since we got off on the wrong hoof, Let me try again. Hi, my name is Anonymous and I volunteered to be your personal guard."
>You stand and salute her.
>She smiles.
>"Well Anonymous, My names is Susan Withers and I guess I'm an ambassador to ponies now."
>Her eyelids and smile fall a bit.
>"Probably for a very long time."
>You watch her shoulders slump.
>Oh shit.
>This is it Anon.
>This is your Celestia-given test.
 
>A ma- woman sits in front of you in need of support and cheering up.
>And you are the only one to provide.
>What do you even say?
>You haven't exactly done this before.
>Wait, no thinking.
>That ended poorly last time.
>Do not foul this up.
"So, uh, do you want to talk about it?"
>You kick yourself.
>What was that Anon.
>That rote line you just spewed.
>Was that supposed to sound understanding?
>Because it sounded more like feigned interest.
>Now she'll think you aren't taking her seriously.
>You ignoramus.
>Susan snorts.
>Perhaps not all is lost.
>"Ignoramus? Heh, really?"
>Ponyfeathers, did you say that to yourself out loud?
>You cough.
"Whatever is bothering you, you can talk to me about it. It could be a matter of national security."
>What the fuck did you just say?
"Uh, or something."
>Susan is grinning at your poor choice of words, holding a hand to her mouth.
"And, uh, even if it's not, I still want to help. It's a guard's job to make sure his VIP is safe from any threat."
>She raises her eyebrows at you.
>You are making such a mess out of this.
"Not that you have to share mind you. But, you know, I'm here if you need an ear."
>At least she's not laughing at you outright.
"I just want you to be happy."
>And now you sound like some sap from a cheesy romance.
>You really should just close your mouth.
>So you do.
>Audibly.
>Susan giggles a little but to your relief, she doesn't continue.
>"You really want to know?"
>Of course you do.
>It's bucking inter-dimensional travel.
>Anyone would want to know.
"Well, yeah."
>Susan looks at the floor, a tired look on her face.
>"Where to begin..."
"At the beginning?"
>Susan slaps you playfully and smiles.
>"Shut up you goon."
>"I guess it began, in a way, when I was wandering a forum called 4chan back in 2011..."
 
"So, let me get this straight."
>"Yeah?"
"The princesses and six national heroes and this entire world are supposed to be a figment of somepony's imagination."
>"Yes."
"More specifically, these stories are used to entertain young mares specifically"
>"Girls. Mhmm"
"This 'show' ended up appealing to everyone else as well and spread to you through an intellectual hate-pit."
>"Hate-pit is a strong phrase... or an understatement."
"A split subsection of this hate-pit became a less hateful pit specifically to talk about the ponies in this world."
>"Correct."
"In this subsection, people, yourself included, wrote conversation threads filled with stories about us ponies."
>"Yes. It's called being a writefag."
"And since many ponies exist without a displayed personality, in this show of a figment of whatever, pon- er, people come up with personalities and histories for them?"
>"Gotta hate OC's"
"And many of these stories featured situations like this, with a human coming here."
>"Everybody has a fantasy."
"So, that means, that right now, you are talking to a portion of a figment of imagination that was used for entertainment , which in turn was part of a different figment of imagination used for entertainment and that we are both probably figments of imagination being discussed by your own people in a place made for figments of imagination to be discussed by unknown other people for the purpose of making better figments of imagination and entertainment and quote unquote 'fuckery'."
>"Mmmm, yes, I think everything you just said is correct."
>You sit in stunned silence.
>Your brain refuses to have thoughts.
>Every time you try and think about it, the thought just ends into silence.
>You can't possibly have the security clearance for this.
>This is definitely Lunar Stable of Knowledge levels of buck.
>Susan smiles.
>"Was that a lot?"
"Yeah, kinda world-shattering. Please continue so I can forget most of that."
>"Haha, alright. That's just perspective."
 
>"That's what got me into ponies."
>"I started going to conventions for them."
>"Meeting other people."
>"Making friends."
>Susan shakes her head.
>"It was a weird concept."
"Making friends was weird?"
>You guess you COULD understand that.
>Your attitude towards others hadn't netted you many friends in life.
>Other guards grumbled about your work ethic on occasion.
>You only overslept for work three times!
>Last month.
>Maybe your work ethic needs a biiiit of tweaking.
>"Yeah, I didn't really want friends before I found ponies."
>"They never seemed worth the effort."
>"Ponies taught me otherwise."
>"I didn't realize how unhappy I'd actually been until I was surrounded by friends."
>"But then, I made a mistake."
>You perk your ears.
>Her voice dropped so low you barely heard what she said.
>This must be what's really bothering her.
>"I... met a guy."
>A guy?
>Oh, a male human.
>OH.
>Ohhhhhhhhhh.
>Her eyes stayed locked to the floor.
>"We met at a group hangout."
>"We started talking and he was charming and smart. Heh."
>"Smart is something that doesn't get around much back home."
>"It wasn't love at first sight or anything."
>"But we started meeting up outside of the group outings."
>"One thing led to another and..."
>"She claps her hands together.
>"I'm lucky I didn't get pregnant that first time."
>"Soon, it became all we did."
>"He'd come over, we'd get busy, he'd leave."
>You look sadly at Susan.
>She's tearing up.
>"One day, I said I didn't want to."
>"Then he started yelling."
>"We... stopped hanging out after that."
>Should you hug her?
>This seems like an appropriate time.
>You should probably hug her.
>So you do.
>"Huh?"
>You feel her shift.
>Nothing happens for a moment but then she returns the hug and rests her head on your shoulder pad.
>You stay like this for a while, and she sobs softly.
>A few minutes pass.
>Your neck is soaked.
>Worth it.
>"Cough."
>You both look at the waiter, cart in front of him.
>"Your breakfast ma'am."
 
>Oh Celestia, someone saw you do that.
>You should have thought about that.
>You move quickly to get the cart from the waiter, hoping Susan didn't notice the blush blooming on your face.
>The waiter frowns at you as you take the cart.
>"Cuddleslut," he whispers
>It's your turn to frown.
>You didn't care about your reputation for being lazy but...
>If you started becoming known as a cuddleslut, no mare would go out with you.
>Especially not one from another dimension.
>Not that, you know, that was on your mind or anything.
>Before you can respond, the waiter turn and walks out the door.
>You sigh and return to the table.
>Susan looks at you curiously.
>Oh Luna's moon, what is they think Susan's a cuddleslut!?
>You definitely have to correct that waiter.
>Maybe you can talk to the princesses about it.
>"Uh, Anon, you in there?"
>Susan knocks on your helmet
>Oh buck.
"Sorry, I was just thinking about what you said."
>Susan smiles sadly.
>"Yeah, I didn't take it well."
"Upupup! It's time for breakfast now. I think you'll feel better."
>You take the tray of food and set it on the table, then uncover it.
>Hot tamales, that looks good.
>You really wish the waiter had taken your order too, because now you're really hungry.
>Susan sniffs appreciatively.
>"This DOES smell good."
>She takes a bite and groans.
>You're concerned but only for a moment as Susan dives back in.
>It's like she hasn't eaten in days.
>She's nothing like that pink mare you saw one day in Canterlot though. An entire bakery, cleaned out in minutes.
>"Hurk!"
>You shoot Susan a confused look, which dawns into fear.
>Susan holds her hand in front of her throat.
>ANYPONY could tell the problem.
>Good thing guard duty prepared you for this.
"Quick stand up."
>Susan does so without hesitation
>Shit, you forgot how tall she was.
>No, you have to do this.
>Can't have your ambassador dying on you.
>You stand on your hind legs, and wrap your hooves around her barrel.
>Shit, her rib cage is different.
 
>You adjust as best you can.
>Quickly.
>Susan is still gagging above you.
>You being your Hoofliek maneuvers.
>In and up.
>In and up.
>In and u-
>"BLUGAAH"
>A chunk of pancake flies from Susan's mouth, hitting the door.
>Wow, that's gotta be some kind of record.
>Then the door opens, revealing the waiter.
>You freeze and Susan coughs some more.
>The waiter closes the door slowly.
>He never broke eye contact.
>You are doomed.
>You might as well turn in your resignation now before Celestia's puts you on the moon for being a bananabitch.
>What's a banana bitch?
>Twas even worse than being a cuddleslut.
>It-
>It was-
>It was being a /banana/ with someone.
>Worse, it was being THE banana.
>You know, when you got behind while cuddling and the other pony faced away from you.
>Like a banana.
>You pull away from Susan.
"You alright Susan?"
>She sits down.
>"Ech, yeah *KEUGH* I'm better. Ugh, bile tastes terrible."
"That's good, that's good..."
>You stare at your hooves.
>What can you do to fix this?
>Can you do /anything/ to fix this?
>Even for Susan?
>You don't want the new ambassador to have this kind of stigma around them.
>Especially since it was kind of your fault.
>"You alright there Anon?
>You shake your head vigorously.
"Yeah, I'm good. Just, uh, thinking about what we were talking about before.
"You never did actually tell me HOW you got here.
>"Oh."
>Susan blinks.
>"Right."
>She pushes her plate away.
>At least you'll get to hear a story before the guard comes for you.
>Cuddling may not be a crime but that waiter probably thinks it was...
>You shudder.
>Unwelcome.
>You refocus on Susan, trying clear your head.
>"Well, after everything with the guy, I kinda felt dead. And there was a rumor about a well out in the forest."
 
>"A village legend."
>You perk your ears in interest.
>Legends could be cool.
>Lost treasure and ancient artifacts always excited you.
>Daring Do was definitely your favorite though.
>And those wings she had...
>U-unf.
>Focus, Anon, focus!
>"The town is one of the oldest in the country."
>"Outside of it, in the forest, is a well. That well has been there longer than the town has existed."
>"Some say a bunch of dirty redskins set it up"
"Redskins?"
>Susan jerks and looks around shiftily.
>"Ehhhh, don't worry about it. Human thing."
>"Anyway, stories were told about people going down the well and going missing for weeks or months, only to turn up saying they'd been to another world."
>Susan smiles sadly.
>"They always said it was like a dream..."
"So... Did you...?"
>Susan turns and smiles at you.
>She looks over at the door, smiles fading.
>Oh no, did she catch what was going on with the waiter?
>You hope not.
>If she thought you were trying to cuddle her, you don't even know what the princesses would do to you.
>Probably something bad.
>"But, when I showed up, I couldn't find a way back."
>She looks straight into your eyes.
>"I don't know if I can ever go home."
>HNNNNG
>Your heart!
>TOO SAD!
>TOO CUTE!
 
>Your heart was Withering, so you must be Susan.
>You'd just finished recounting your tale of woe to the adorable guard.
>He was probably still afraid of you.
>You grimace internally.
>You'd really fucked up that one.
>The other stallions had been asking for a talking to but Anon here...
>He was just trying to make your day a little better.
>Even if it was in the worst way possible.
>You look him over again, and notice a damp patch on his neck.
>Right where you'd place your head.
>That had been embarrassing.
>You haven't broken down like that.
>...
>Well, ever really.
>He was kinda cute too.
>And not just because he was a fucking adorable pony.
>"Hmmm..."
>He's been slumping and sighing a lot since he comforted you.
 
>Wonder what's up with that.
"Hey, uh, you alright there Anon?"
>He jumps.
>"HUHWHA- Oh."
>Onto the floor, face first.
>You grimace. If his nose starts bleeding again, you should probably find a nurse.
>He pulls himself off the ground and back into the chair.
>Good, no bloody pone.
>Y u make him bloody n e way?
>Bad Susan.
"You seemed distracted. "
>Anon frowns.
>"It's nothing. Just thinking.'
>You cock an eyebrow.
>Pone bad at lying.
>"Anyway, you arrived here?"
"Yep, middle of Celestia's court yesterday."
>You giggle.
>Not madly.
>You're certain you're quite sane.
"She was quite welcoming of course. But then I had an few incidents with stallions..."
 
>The door once again interrupts you before you say any more.
>You and Anon look up as the waiter enters again.
>You blink.
>The waiter looks professional as before, face flat and expressionless.
>For a moment, the way he looked at Anon.,,,
>Probably your imagination.
>"Princess Celestia requests you come to her office for a meeting."
>You nod, and stand.
>The waiter gathers the plates.
"Well, let's be off then Anon."
>He stands and mumbles something.
>He's clearly still got something on his mind.
>He didn't seem to want to talk about it though.
>You realize, as you enter the hallway, that you have no idea how you got here last night.
>What with the well and the appearing in color horse land.
>And then the thing with Blueballs and that other guard stallion.
"Anon, can you lead the way? I have no idea where I'm going."
>He nods, hardly seeming to hear you.
>He walks down a hallway.
>You scrunch your face.
>You hope your new guard is alright. He was a lot nicer than the other guards you'd met so far.
>He stood out as well, from the ponies you'd seen. Gold armor and dark green coat didn't go together spectacularly.
"So Anon."
>"Uh-huh"
"How'd you end up in the royal guard?"
>"Uh-huh"
>Well, at least he knew you were talking to him.
>Hm.
>Smol pone is distract.
>How fix?
>You smile widely as an idea hits you.
>You reach out towards Anon.
*CRASH*
 
>Be entangled in a hard suit of metal armor.
>You must be Anon.
>Susan just started petting your ears.
>Out of nowhere.
>Sure, there was no one else in the hall but
>She sure was forward.
>Should you respond to her?
>You should probably ask her to dinner at least.
>Wait, no.
>Last time you thought you figured something out, you ended up with a bloody nose.
>Well, and a possibly lasting trauma about being ridden around by a human.
>"Are you alright Anon? Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you."
>"You were lost in thought and weren't hearing anything."
>You shake your head vigorously.
"Sorry. I uh.."
>You untangle yourself from the armor.
"I'll be fine. This, no the other hoof..."
>You look at the fallen armor.
>You shrug, and snort.
"Someone else can take care of it."
>Susan snickers, covering her mouth.
>"Ain't yo problem?"
"Exactly."
>You glance at her.
"Say, um, why did you pet my ears?'
>Susan cocks an eyebrow.
>"No reason I guess. It's just something we do to horses back home."
>You freeze.
>Oh no, not her too.
>Worse than a cuddleslut, she thinks you're a whorse?
>"Anon?"
"....ot a who..."
>"What?"
"I'm not a whorse!" you shout angrily.
 
>"What?"
"You heard me." You continue.
"I'm not trying to 'get busy wit u' or- or looking for cuddles or WHATEVER!"
>You stomp on the ground.
"I'm not here because of i want something from you. I'm a guard and I can't stoop to such behavior."
>You glare at her.
>She stares back blankly.
>"Uhhhhhh.....what?"
>She closes he eyes tightly.
>"I wasn't- huh?"
>She holds her hand to her forehead.
>"I definitely have no idea what you're talking about."
"But you called me a whorse!"
>"Well, I guess you're technically a pony but..."
"Exactly!"
>"That only means you're different than horses because you're shorter."
>You feel a vein pulsing in your forehead.
"So now I'm a short whorse to boot!?"
>Susan squints at you
>"Yes?"
"AAAAAAAARGH!"
>You stamp off in the direction of the throne room.
>The sooner you're away from this horrible meanie, the better.
>"Where the fuck are you going?"
>Oh she did not.
>A level three curse word?
"To the throne room! So you can have your important ambassador meeting with the Princess!"
"And keep your potty mouth to yourself, I don't care if you have diplomatic immunity."
>You turn from a stunned Susan and tromp forwards.
>She rushes in front of you.
>"What's gotten into you!? All I wanted to know was how you became a guard and now you're whining like a mongoloid /b/tard!"
"You called me a whorse!"
>"Yes, we've covered this."
"I'm not a whorse!"
>Susan frowns.
>".... I think I'm missing something here."
 
"What could there possibly be to miss?"
>You scrunch at her angrily.
>Is she that certain you're out for booty?
>Does she really think so little of you?
>As though it's impossible for you to be anything other than a whorse?
>Her hand is covering her eyes.
>"Alright, If- What do you mean when you say horse?"
>What?
>Does she not-
>You facehoof.
>She's an alien.
>You're such a nincompoop.
>She probably means something entirely different.
>Oh wait, she asked you a question.
>Hmmm...
"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, sometimes the mommy isn't satisfied with just daddy, because daddy is terrible in bed. So, she goes out. Y'know, a mare of the evening."
>Susan's eyes bug out.
>"You mean a mare of the night?"
"No, of course not. Princess Luna is the mare of the night."
>She rolls her eyes.
>"Of course, how silly of me."
>Susan sighs and looks at you.
>"Sorry I called you a whore. Back home, a horse is just the name for your kind. Not sex slang."
>Well shit.
>No wonder she was confused.
 
"It's fine. Should have realized it might be different. We should probably ask first, so this doesn't happen again.
>Susan snickers.
>"Yeah, can't have any pregnant cows and whorses strutting around."
>You wince.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that."
>You pause.
"Even if I'm not entirely sure why. Is there something wrong with cows where you're from?"
>Susan shakes her head.
>"No, it's just... Cows are a lot larger than me. At least they are back home. So, calling me a cow, or pregnant, is like calling me really overweight."
>You frown.
"Why would being overweight be an issue? Besides being a little unhealthy."
>Susan gives you a queer look.
>"Because, well, it's considered very unattractive by humans. Being overweight that is."
"What? That's silly. Besides, I think you're plenty attractive."
>Oh shit.
>Did you just say that Anon?
>Why did you say that!?
>Susan smiles and cocks an eyebrow at you.
"Er, that's... Yeah."
>She wiggles her eyebrows.
"I mean, you have a really nice laugh and your eyes are like green grass and it's really pretty."
>You can't even look at her now. What is this dipping from your mouth?
>What are these words that sound like feelings?
"I'm not trying to woo you or anything. I just thought you should know."
>Your face is on fire.
>There's that angelic giggle again.
>"It's alright, I know you were just trying to cheer me up."
"Yeah, yeah, that's it. Oh look, we're here!"
>And indeed you are standing just outside Princess Celestia's throne room.
>Good, maybe you can forget about this whole conversation.