>Be a tall, green ape.
>Be living in Ponyville, Equestria because your universe decided you were beyond saving.
>Stipend of bits from being an endangered (read: extinct) species got you a reasonably sized house.
>You've been here for three months.
>It got to you, at first.
>All the colorful ponies with their silly names and obvious talents.
>Especially the purple one, who couldn't leave well enough alone.
>Yes, you're sure humans are a fascinating subject for the technologically incompetent but damn.
>You just got banned from humans.
>Have some heart.
>She never really calmed down, either.
>You just got a job at Sweet Apple Acres, so you couldn't be bothered as much.
>Apul didn't take kindly to her workers being interrupted.
 
>So, you liked your job.
>It kept the rabid researcher off your back.
>And you could pretend you weren't the cancer of modern society
>Kids these days.
>Of course, there was one other benefit to working on the apple farm.
>Once you'd come to the realization that silly horses basically picked their foals talents by naming them, You'd had a run of it telling ponies what the talents of their foals were.
>Ponies were amazed.
>Apparently, however, there was actually a business for this sort of thing.
>One day while you were working in the back 40 of the farms, smol apul horse had come running up.
>Having heard of your ability to guess talents by name, Apple Bloom invited your to her clubhouse.
>There, you met up with her two buddies, orange squawker and white singer
>The badgered you for the rest of the day until you revealed your secrets.
>After that, you shared secret laughs with her whenever you were assigned to the market together.
>Helped on her business ventures to help the talentless and talent confused.
>For a while, you'd been unwilling to admit what was growing inside of you.
>Her angelic laugh
>Her care for those around her that she helped.
>That humor that synced so perfectly with your own.
 
>Last night, you'd come to a realization.
>You had fallen for a filly.
>Hard.
>Her adorable magnetism had enraptured your heart and mind.
>A plan began to form in your mind.
>But first, you needed to learn pony romance customs.
>If you were going to woo your favorite horse, you were going to woo her right.
>You'd even given into to borrowing a library book from the purple one.
>All the testing was worth it though.
>"How to woo your mare in 100 easy steps." by Winning Smile
>Maybe not the most accurate book but you could filter out most of the garbage.
 
>And that brings you to your current path to the apple farmstead.
>It's late afternoon and you'd gotten yourself invited to dinner.
>You'd brought a pie on the books recommendation.
>You weren't sure about throwing a pie in her face being a way to ask her out though.
>But knowing ponies, it could be true.
>You sweat nervously as you traipse down the road.
>Can you really do this Anon?
>Can you ask out your dream mare?
>The door approaches.
>You take a deep breath, trying to slow your heart.
>You knock.
>Apple Bloom answers.
>Something looks off about her though.
>Why is she looking around outside?
>"Oh, h-hiya Anon! Glad you could make it!"
"You alright, Apple Bloom?
>"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, e-everything's fine."
>She's a worse liar than her sister.
>Well, maybe you convince her to tell you after dinner.
"Well, let's not keep the family waiting, shall we?
>"Yeah, right..."
>You follow Apple Bloom in.
>As you turn into the dining room, however, the rest of the family is nowhere to be seen.
>Instead, a brown stallion with a a whitish mane.
>You turn around but Apple Bloom is nowhere to be seen.
"So, uh... also a guest for dinner?"
>"No, Mr. Anonymous. Have a seat."
>"I'm here to talk about you.""Uh, ok?"
>You sit down, as he asks.
>"so let me ask you, Mr. Anonymous."
>"What were your plans for tonight?"
>What is this guy on about?
"I was coming over to have dinner with the Apple family."
>"Right, and nothing else?"
>He can't possibly know.
>You literally came up with this plan last night.
"Uhhh, no not really."
>"Then why do you have that pie Mr. Anonymous?"
>He totally knows.
>Think fast Anon.
"I didn't want to show up to dinner without bringing something. That just feels rude."
>"So, you're telling me that you just happened to bring a pie to a family outing? Like it's no big deal?"
>The book was /right!/?
>But why would the family outing matter?
"Er, yeah. Is there something I should know about pies? I'm not exactly from around here."
>'You claim you don't know what a pie means?"
"Um, yeah. I thought, you know, it was a pie. You eat it."
>He tuts, waving a hoof at you.
>"I almost believe you. But there's no way you couldn't know that offering a pie is a proposal to the youngest member of the family."
>What.
>The.
>Fuck.
>Your left eye starts twitching.
"What!?'
>The stallion steps back at the volume.
"So, wait."
"You're telling me that, if I bring a pie to a party as a guest, it means I'm trying to bugger their youngest?"
>That's not exactly what you were trying to do, after all.
>"Um, yes?"
>He no longer looks so sure of your intentions.
"And how exactly does one do this? Is it really just showing up with a pie?"
>He pulls at his tie.
>"Well, yes. You seem to knowledgeable on the subject."
"No, I'm guessing here. Because this sounds dumb. What if I want to just be a good neighbor and bring food for my hosts?"
>"Uhhhhh..."
 
"Ugh. Well, thanks for helping me avoid a disaster, I guess"
>You look the stallion up and down, setting the pie on the table.
>Who is this guy again?
>You got so wrapped up in his commanding voice that you didn't even question his presence.
"So, why are you here, anyway?
>He freezes.
>"Well.. It seem the reason I came is invalid."
>You frown.
"What?"
>>"That is, um..."
>He looks around nervously.
>"I was keeping watch over the town, like I always do and I discovered you buying a pie. I had noticed before the amount of time you spend with the youngest member of this household, so..."
>"I suppose I have overreacted."
>So, this guy just watches the town?
"Who are you again? Why do you watch the town?"
>"My name is Stranger Danger. I lead a group watch, checking up on suspicious ponies. It's my job."
>You...
>You just got profiled.
>You're not even a pony.
>This guy is a professional who thought you were a sexual predator!
>On the other hand, this puts a huge knock into your actual plans of getting to know Apple Bloom and wooing her into loving you.
>In a way, you're lucky this pie thing was even more ridiculous than the book made it out to be.
>Danger sighs.
>"It's alright Apples, you can come out. I appear to have made a very large blunder."
>Apple Bloom peeks around the corner.
>"So, Anon isn't going to do bad stuff to me, right?"
>"No, he isn't. I forgot he isn't from around here."
>Apple Bloom zips to you and hugs your leg.
>"I knew it! Anon would never hurt me."
>HNNNNNNNG
>The other three apples come out to the dinner table and sit down.
>"You really had us going there Stranger."
>"Eeyup."
>Good, everything is f-
>"So, that means your eye was on Applejack, right Anon? You didn't need no pie to ask, I'll glad stamp my approval on that!"
>God dammit Granny.
 
And that is the story of how you married Applejack and had 10 kids.