The Ruff-ly Unlawful Adventures of Axel and Spike
 
>The day was good and bright.
>Canterlot High is doing good as well.
>Back from their holiday festivities, they welcome their friends in open arms and happy faces.
>The snow had already started to melt, much to Janitor Sombra's sadness.
>It's going to take him days to clean up the winter mess.
>But, all is well for the first day of spring.
>All except for Axel Jones, who's having a bad case of the spring fever.
>And he's sneezing so much that he'd be able to blow a brick home down.
 
"HAAAAXXXEECHHUUUUUUU!" *sniff*
>"Oh Axel, you really should have just taken the day off. You're burning up!"
"*ShnNIISNshHHZ* I'M FINE, LAWYER GIRL! JUSTICE NEVER TAKES A DAY O-...O-... AAXXXEEECHUUUUUUU!"
>"Axel, if you're going to be stubborn, might as well drag you to the nurse's office."
"N-NO! YOU CANNOT PULL ME AWAY FROM MY DOODIE-Err...*sneeze* DUTY!"
>Sophia grabs your axe and latches it to your belt.
>"Come on, I'm bringing you in."
"NO! THIS IS HERESY TO FREE WILL!"
>"Actually, it's heresy to leave a student down on the floor for  being too sick. You need to go to the Nurse Redheart or I will file a complaint to Ms. Luna for you spreading bacteria all over the school."
"*SNIIFFF* CURSHE YOU AND YOUR LAWYERIING!"
>And so, Sophia literally drags you to the Nurse's office, much to everyone's surprise.
>>>"Is that Axel being dragged by a girl with his own axe?"
>>>>"It is a strange sight to see. Maybe Axel's finally getting soft?"
>You look at the students with a demonic glare.
>They piss themselves from it and started running away.
>Sophie throws you in the nurse's office, much to Nurse Redheart's surprise.
>>"Oh dear, the first patient of the year!"
>"Yeah, he's a stubborn one at that."
"*SNIIFF* LADY, BRING ME YOUR CURES, SO THAT I MAY CONTINUE ON MY CRUSADE FOR PE-MMPH!!!"
>Nurse Redheart sticks three thermometers in your mouth while throwing a bag of ice on your head.
"DROKK *bonk*"
>"So, how is he, nurse?"
>Nurse Redheart takes away the thermometers from your mouth and looks at the temperature.
>>"Oh my, he's not doing too well. I'm afraid he'd have to skip on monitoring the halls."
>Her last words echo inside your head.
>It's hell on your mind. It's something you cannot comprehend.
>You beg her;
"NURSE, PLEASE, JUST GIVE ME SOME PAINKILLERS TO...To... HAAAXXXEEEECHOOOOOO!"
>You spread your mucus all over her and Sophia, much to their disgust.
>>"Now look here Mr. Jones, if you leave this room without my permission, I will have to report you for BREAKING THE RULES."
>BREAKING THE RULES
>BREAKING THE RUUULLES
"N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
>You 'nooo!' yourself to bed as you face the fact that you'll be missing out on monitoring the halls.
>Nurse Redheart then turns to Sophia.
>>"Sophia, I need you to keep mum on this. Without Axel, the only thing keeping some troublemakers in line is fear."
>"Don't worry ma'm, I'll keep quiet."
"DAMMIT LAWYER GIRL. LAWYER ME OUT OF THIS!"
>"Nah."
"DROKKING DROKKERDROKKER! DROKK!"
>THe nurse and the lawyer girl exit the room.
>You're just sitting there, trying to maintain your frustration.
>Then suddenly, a voice from out the nurse's window.
>"Sounds like you're stuck in here, man!"
"Who-"
>You turn to the window to see Twilight's dog, Spike, taunting outside.
"You, Twilight's dog! I need your help!"
>"What's the matter, got the cold?"
"Worse than that, dog! I have spring fever, and I need to get cured pronto!"
>"Oh come on, what's one day without hall monitoring?"
"THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!"
>"Rarity, is that you?"
"THINK ABOUT IT DOG, WITHOUT A HALL MONITOR, CHAOS WILL REIGN! ANARCHY WILL TRIUMPH, EVERYTHING WILL FALL!"
>"You're exaggerating."
"I AM NOT!"
>"Alright, fine. But even if I CAN find you a cure, what's in it for me?"
"Huurmm"
>Dog's an extortionist.
>WHat can I give him?
"I...I'll give you a treat."
>"Think bigger."
"I'll give you a bigger treat."
>"sigh, OTHER THINGS!"
"I'll...I'll buy you..."
>You thought long and hard.
>Finally, something comes to mind.
>Pinkamena's illegal nude photographs of students collection. *
[spoiler] From Raintype's other story [/spoiler]
>Haven't busted her yet because she's apparently bribing VP Luna with lewd pictures of Sokka *
[spoiler] Get the reference? [/spoiler]
"I'll give you a folder of Rarity naked."
>Spike flips.
>"W-WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET THAT?"
"I have a perp who does things like that."
>Spike wags his tail in delight.
>"YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!"
 
Be Spike
Horny as fuck
 
>Alright, time to find Twilight. She could help out.
 
>Walking around, see that blue-haired bastard flirting with Twilight.
>No one flirts with my mom!
"BARK BARK!"
>"GYAH!!"
>>"Oh Spike, calm down!"
>You then signal to her that you need to talk in private.
>She gets it and goes to an empty classroom with you.
>>"Spike, what's wrong?"
"Look, I uhh, need you to make some sort of cure for the cold. It's an emergency!"
>>"Why would it be an emergency? You don't look sick."
"Twilight, please! Just do this for me!"
>>"But Spike, why do you need it?"
"THE FATE OF THE GALAXY DEPENDS ON IT!"
>You look at Twilight with such determination.
>>"What are you talking about?"
"NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! MAKE SOME MAGIC TWILIGHT!"
>Twilight is still confused.
"AAGH!"
>You decide to take matters into your own paws.
>You decide to exit the room to go to the chemistry room.
>How hard can it be to make a cure? Twilight does it piss easy!
 
CHEMISTRY ROOM
 
>Check if the coast is clear.
>Hop on into the table, gather all chemicals.
 
"Riight..."
 
>Blue chemicals means cold, right?
>Add some to the beaker.
>Red looking chemicals means fire, and fire beats cold!
>Add alot to the mix.
>Some of these, some of that, a little of this and I'm one step closer to all the free Rarity photos!
>Man, being a man of the law sounds like a cool job.
>I should be one when we get back to Equestria.
>Think of all the things I could do!
 
[[tailwagging intensifies]]
 
>Well, looks like the my mix is done!
>That wasn't so bad!
>Maybe after this, I could make a love potion.
>AAWWWW YIIIISSS!
>You corked the beaker and went on outside.
>But before you could go directly to Axel, a heavenly scent comes your way.
>It's coming from the cafeteria.
>Oh god, I smell...
>I smell the diamond neck from Granny Smith's neck.
>The mineral smells so delicious.
>Oh god, I want that shit.
>You went to the cafeteria with your lips oh so moist.
>You see Granny Smith wearing that luscious neck.
>It fills your gluttonous lust to eat it.
>You went up the table, much to Granny Smith's surprise.
>>>"Oh hello there young un'! You must be that purple girl's pet dog!"
>No more games. IT'S TIME TO GAME ON!
>You put the beaker by the food containers.
>Jumping to Granny Smith, you sensually licked her necklace and her leg.
>>>"Oh...Oh my~"
>Oh yes.
>Those juicy pearls.
>That delicious diamond.
>I want it all.
>You then gave her a tiny hickey as she moans to the sensation.
>Her pleasured body makes her kick the beaker, breaking it as it falls to the food container.
>But you both ignore it.
>You then went under the shirt to get a better lock on her necklace.
>She gets wet from all the doggy things you're doing to her.
>You then -
 
SCENE MISSING
SCENE MISSING
SCENE MISSING
SCENE MISSING
 
>Granny Smith lies in a puddle of her own liquid as she blows away a puff of smoke from a ciggarrette.
>Meanwhile, that necklace was delicious.
>Now where was I?
>Oh right, the bea-
 
>...
 
>OH GOD, WHERE'S THE BEAKER?
>You looked high and low but the beaker is gone!
>OH SHIT!
>You then ran out of the cafeteria because the ecstasy of the delicious necklace had you forget where you put it.
 
Be Axel
Prison...err...Nurse's office
 
>I am a prison in this medical facility.
>This is the worst day of my life.
>All those halls...unmonitored.
 
>WHY? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS, LAWYER GIRL?
 
>The nurse comes in, carrying her checklist.
>"Now Mr. Jones, it seems that you have a fever. Should I call your parents to pick you up?"
"*SNIFF* NO! I'LL GET BETTER AND I WILL MONITOR THESE HALLS TODAAY!"
>She checks your forehead. It ain't getting colder.
>"I'm sorry, Axel, but with you burning up, I simply cannot allow you to go out and infect the whole school."
"THEN I'LL INFECT THE SCUM WHO DISRESPECTS THE LAW!"
>"And then they get punished by you, punishing their friends and friends punishing other students."
"WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? HAAAXXXEECHHUUUUUU!"
>The nurse then wipes away the mucus from her face as she writes some info on the checklist.
>"Mr. Axel, have you been eating properly?"
"What's with that question?"
>"Well, we took a little survey outside, and apparently, you never eat during lunch and snack hours."
"BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK!"
>"Uh Huh, so I take it you don't eat regularly?"
"No. My breakfast is mainly a knuckle sandwich...with cheese."
>"Dinner?"
"JUSTICE WITH SOME FARBA BEANS AND A NICE CIANTI...and some peanuts."
>"That isn't very healthy. You should eat some more."
"I have no time for measly...measly.... HAAAAXEEECHUUUU!"
>"Pretty much why you need some food."
"Ugh..."
 
LUNCH TIME
Be Brad
Cafeteria
 
>aww yeah.
>The Bradical Bradster needs some fuel for his bradical stomach.
>Gonna need that stamina for a pretty date tonight.
>You grabbed a tray and went in line.
>You see Granny Smith feeling a bit...euphoric.
"Hey Mrs. Smith. You seemed to be happier than usual."
>>>"Don't get snippy with me, sonny! I still got it!"
>With a sensual wink, your appetite is lost to the stars.
>Fortunately the sight of some good old Eggs Benedict made it come back.
 
>Minutes later, you arrive at the table with your pals, Norman and his harem of women.
>Why he hasn't banged all of them is a mystery.
"Sup my bro and his hoes?"
>...
>Wait that came out wrong.
>"Oh Brad..."
"That's me!"
*Audience Laughing*
 
>You then see Twilight, a bit worried.
>>"Twilight darling! You look a bit worried! What's wrong?"
>>>"It's my dog, Spike! He's missing!"
"I'm sure he's fine! After all, he's probably hitting on Applejack's dog, doggy style."
>"Is there even a style for hitting on dogs?"
>>"Does it matter? Ooohh, I hope he's alright."
>You then looked at your eggs benedict. They look delicious.
>Better dig in!
>You grabbed your fork and started to stab the egg.
>But the eggs come to life and holds the metal fork before it can be stabbed.
"HOLY SH-"
>THe eggs then grabbed the fork and used it as its own weapon and began pouncing at you.
"AAHHH!"
>>>>"What in tarnations?" Applejack exclaimed.
>The egg beats you with the fork mercilessly as Rarity screams.
>Twilight then grabs the spoon and begins scooping the egg off your face.
>Throwing the living egg away, you notice that the whole cafeteria is being attacked by their own dinner.
>Even Norman, Twilight, Rarity and Rainbow Dash's food from Granny Smith is walking out to attack other students.
>Applejack and Fluttershy's lunches weren't affected because they brought their own lunches.
"This is so not Bradical."
>"What is going on, Brad?"
"The heck should I know?"
>"Dammit Purple, was this you?"
>>"It wasn't me this time, but I think I know who did! Come on, we need to find Spike before-"
>"ROOOOAAAAAARRR!"
>A huge roar is heard from the kitchen.
>You and the gang went inside, to find giant vegetables terrorizing the place.
>Granny Smith is currently wearing pots as armor while fighting the green menace with a wooden spoon.
>>>"IT'S 'NAM ALL OVER AGAIN!" She said.
>The giant broccoli eats Smith up whole.
>Everyone just looks in disgust.
>Rarity faints from the sight to Norman's arms.
 
"THEY'RE EATING HER, AND NOW THEY'RE GOING TO EAT ME!"
>The brocoli mutants then look at you with their hungry eyes.
"OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWDDDDDDD!"
 
 
Be Axel
Clinic
 
*BOOM*
>What was that?
>Sounds like it came from outside.
>Drokk. You can't go out. It's against the law for you to.
>Damn lawyer girl and that nurse.
>Out the window, a dog barks.
>It's Spike!
"PURPLE GIRL'S DOG! DID YOU FIND ME A CURE?"
>"No, something's happened! The cafeteria!"
"A TERRORIST HAS INVADED THE CAFTERIA?"
>"N-No, VEGETABLES HAVE!"
"SPEAK SENSE, DOG!"
>"I tried making a cure for your fever, but I ended up spilling the potion somewhere..."
"Where?"
>"I...I don't know! I was in the heat of the moment!"
"*sneeze* What moment?"
>"NEVERMIND THAT! I need you to stop the chaos!"
"I can't. I'm bound to my duty to stay here and...be a prisoner!"
>"But you can't just leave the school to be eaten by giant pancakes! You gotta go and protect the school!"
"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can't. I'm bound by a new law. I'm sorry.
>"W-Well, who made up that stupid law?"
"*cough* The nurse."
>"If I can get the nurse to change that, will you-"
"Of course I will! The law decrees that, if I weren't bound by another one, I would gladly put my life on the line to save this school from utter chaos!"
>Spike sees a blur of an American flag waving behind you.
"GREAT!"
 
Be Spike
Outside
 
>Avoiding the giant peashooters and cabbage lobbers, you try to find the nurse.
>She's the only one that can stop this!
>Looking to your left, you see Norman being violently thrown up and down by the pancakes and waffles group.
>To your left, Applejack and Pinkie Pie are viciously fighting back with Ponka's cannon being used to launch apples.
>It's an all out war!
>You got to find the nurse, fast!
 
School Hall
 
>The school's in a mess! Everything is scattered.
>Vines and moving eggplants are everywhere in this area.
>Brad seems to have been captured by the eggplants and are holding him in a viney cell.
>You sneak past the guards to talk to Brad.
 
"Psstt! Brad!"
>"AAH! TALKING DOG!"
"Don't worry, I'm on your side!"
>"What a relief! When they said they were going to feed me to the king, I thought it would be someone with your teeth!"
"What are you talking about?"
>"The vegetables are already starting a revolution! I overheard them talk about eating the humans and replacing them as the prominent species of the planet!"
"HOLY-...Wait, they speak in english?"
>"Actually, they speak in French."
"You understand French? W-wait, how is that even possible that they know basic language?"
>"Hey, it's the language of looove, and I'm pretty sure they need that to copulate."
"You're not making any se-...look, forget that! I need your help! I know you have some sort of 'Brad-Sense' that helps you find women in a matter of seconds!"
>"Hey! That's my thing! How'd you even know that?"
"Well..."
 
___________________________________
Two Months Ago
Hiking up the mountains
 
"WOW! I mean... BARK!"
>"Now that's one Bradical looking sight."
>>"Hey, have you seen Aryan?"
>"Oh yeah, let me see."
 
*FHSWIIIING*
>Brad's eyes turned blue as the world around him enters into a slow transition.
>He searches far and wide for his prey.
>Alas, he has found it. His Brad-Eyes lusts for some bootay.
>Sadly, he's only using it to help his friend.
*FHSWAAAANG*
 
>"She's inside that cabin behind that mountain under room 10 with Pinkie Pie gossiping about how big you are."
>You and Norman's jaws dropped.
>"Oh, and she's making Sweetie carry her luggage upstairs."
>...
"..."
___________________________________
 
>"Oooh, riight!"
"Can you help me?"
>"Sure thing, bromite, but I need you to do me a favor."
*bradsmirk.jpg*
"What?"
>"I need you to get me some nudes of Twilight. She's pretty hot!"
"NO! I won't give you nudes of my mom!"
>"She had sex with a dog? Kinky!"
"No! That's Fluttershy! Twilight's my adoptive mother, and I love her more than you lusting her!"
*Audience Dawwws*
>"Alright fine, nudes of Rarity?"
"THEY'RE MINE!"
>"Hey, fine by me if you leave the world in peril because you would help a bro out!"
>You thought long and hard.
>Mostly hard.
>...
"Fine, I'll split my future collection 50-50."
>"Bradical. Who do you want me to track?"
"Nurse Redheart."
 
*FHSWIIIING*
>Tracking hot milf nurse.
>beep beep
*FHSWAAAANG*
 
>"Found her! She's in the stomach of the huge monster watermelon inside the library."
"Thanks, man!"
>You than ran off to find the giant watermelon.
>Running inside the library, you see a huge melon with a mouth munching on all the books.
>How on earth are you going to free that?
>Beside you is Zecora, hiding.
>This gives you an idea.
"HEY ZECORA!"
>"Don't be racist talking dog. I do not hunger for a melony hog!"
"Daww..."
>"B-besides, I tried."
>New plan!
>You race towards the ladders in an effort to climb up and use the lights on the ceiling to burn that sonovabitch down!
>You climb up but the melon sees you.
>He fires away melon seeds!
"GYAAH!"
>You ran up the ladder faster but his seeds hit harder.
"OOOWWW!"
>Sadly, you were outmatched, and you fall to the ground, defeated!
"N-noo!"
>You look at the huge melon. Its vines reach for a familiar person.
>A woman of white complexion.
>It's...It's...Rarity!
>That bastard is stealing my waifu!"
>>"AAAHHH! HEEEELLLP!"
"M-MY P-PRECIOUUUSS!"
>The inner dragon within you activates.
>Your greed overwhelms you like that thing that happened in season 2!
>IT'S HABBEDDIIN!
>But you're not turning into a huge dragon.
>No, you're turning into a huge-ass Ceberus WITH THREE HEADS.
"GRRRRRR!!!!!! RUUUFF!"
>And when I  said three heads, I meant [spoiler] ;) [/spoiler]
 
>The melon looks upon you with surprise.
>It tries to fire more seeds but you simply shrug it off.
>NO ONE STEALS MY PRECIOUS RARITY!
"GROOOOWWWWL!"
>You raged on and ravaged the poor melon, tearing it apart!
>At last, you have triumphed!
>And had a pretty sweet snack.
>Rarity runs away from fear.
>But you don't care. She's safe, and that's all that matters.
>The victims of the melon lie on the ground, confused and soaked.
>You managed to pinpoint the nurse and picked her up from the ground.
>You then crashed out of the library and brought her to the clinic.
 
Clinic
 
>You threw her inside. SHe wakes up.
>"GYAH!"
>>"Nurse Redheart! *Cough*
>"Oh my! What happened, and WHY IS THERE A GIANT DOG OUTSIDE THE WINDOW?"
>>"No time to axeplain! I need you to grant me permission to go outside! The school is being invaded by vegetables!"
>"That's absurd!"
>Just then, a giant corn bursts into the clinic armed with a branch.
>Axel spins to his axe by the corner and engages the mighty corn!
>The bodyheat Axel has transfers to his axe, and manages to axe the corn with his glorious weapon.
>The heat of the axe cooks the corn, slowly making him explode into tiny bits of popcorn.
*BOOOOM*
>>"Justice is done."
>He looks at the nurse.
>"Err...Okay, you're dismissed."
>Axel climbs out of the window and high fives you with your paw.
>"You ready to...HAAAAAAAXEEECHUUUUU... bring back peace to this school?"
"So long as you still remember to keep your promise!"
>"Dog, I never break promises."
>You and Axel then look upon the giant mutated vegetables and junkfood.
>They see you two and march on to destroy both of you.
>Axel smirks, you lick your mouth.
>These fools.
*SHWIIIING*
>Are dining with death.
 
"ROOOOAAAAARRR"
>"LETS GOOO!"
>Axel charges in and slices through the enemies.
>You charge in too with your Cerberus  form and viciously ate everything in sight, spitting out any humans they've eaten as well.
>Axel then charges himself, going in touch with his inner self.
 
>"JUSTICE MOVE: CHEF NINJITSUU"
>Axel conjures up a chef's hat and transforms his axe into a katanaxe.
>He then slices and dices everything around him as he eats them with pleasure.
>It's a mad mad world, but he knows what must be done.
*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM*NOM
>"They said I don't eat as much? WELL I'M EATING FOR PEACE AND ORDER!"
"RUFF!"
>Axel Jones then finishes off the front lines, but the battle wasn't over.
>The last line of defence and a huge pineapple boss is upon the school.
>Axel looks a bit full.
"You still good?"
>"For the law, I'd devour a planet!"
>He steps back, slowly meditating.
>The food soldiers charge right at us.
>You stand in to protect Axel but...
>"Dog, stand back."
>You nod and stood back.
>He then looks at the army.
>He opens his mouth and puts out an atomic burp!
>"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRP!"
>The intensity of the soundwaves produced by his burp eradicates most of the food soldiers.
>The towering pineapple simply stands its ground.
>Axel had finished burping, but a monster still stands.
>"This is it! TOGETHER!"
"RIGHT!"
>Axel rides you from your back.
>You and Axel charged one last time, towards the beast that makes pizzas taste like crap!
"YAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
>"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
>You and the pineapple collide.
>A resulting implosion occurs, to which time slows down to a second.
>Axel uses this to his advantage and chops the beast with his axe.
>Time moves forward, and you and Axel fall to the ground.
>Pineapple chunks rain from the sky. You and Axel high five once more in success.
>You slowly shrink back to your original form.
"We did it! WE SAVED THE SCHOOL!"
>You and Axel look back at the school.
>It's broken as fuck.
>"Casualty of law."
"That's what you always say."
 
Two hours later.
>You and Axel helped the students up to their feet as they recover from the cafeteria attack.
"Hey, looks like your fever's gone down."
>"I FEEL AXCEPTIONAL! The nurse was right. Guess I really do need to eat more!"
"Eating healthier will provide you with all the nutrients you need. ALso, I need my pay of nutrients. Where is it."
>"Drokk. Hold on."
>Axel finds Ponka. You signal him about your little deal.
>"Pink woman, I require your services."
>>"Huh?"
>"I require photographs of Rarity without her clothing. Those photos saved the school."
>>"Huh Huh?"
>"Pshh..."
>Axel hands in some shekels to Pinkie.
>She rubs her hands in excitement.
>>"So, I see you developed a liking for the Aryan of our group, eh?"
>"No. Twilight's dog forced me to buy it from you."
>>"Pssh, yeah right. Like saying a dog ate your homework."
>"Hurrmmm."
 
>Axel then hands you the folder after receiving it from Pinkie Pie.
>"Happy?"
"Bueno"
>But, as per usual, you need to give half of these gems to Brad.
>Fucking Brad.
"Seen Brad?"
>"No."
>You then went to look for him to get it over with.
>Going to the janitors closet first, you find Brad making out with a lob of living corn.
"..."
>"It's exactly what it looks like."
"Oh Brad..."
*Audience Laughing*
 
The End.
Happy New Year, and may the Year of the Pone shine upon our board.
>Heil Hasbro, destroyer of worlds, seducer of invulnerable creative women.
This special PSA was brought to you by Axelfag, sponsered by an Abnormal being.