Episode 12: DOGma
 
(Scene 1: We open on Norman in the hallway on the way back to his room after throwing out his garbage.  He is carrying an empty garbage bin.  He walks past Twilight’s door and stops as he hears voices inside)
(Following except for Norman is all V/O)
Spike: C’mon Twilight, you promised you’d do it for me.
Norman: (Chuckling) Oh my...Purple has a boy over….better be careful lest Brad find ou...oh who am I kidding?  He’s not exactly exclusive. (laughter)
Twilight: I dunno….it might hurt you…
Norman: Damn, Purple’s a freak. (Laughter)
Spike: Please Twilight!
Twilight: Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Norman: I told her I didn’t need to teach her anything about reproduction...she could just figure it out on her own. (Laughter)
(There is a loud flash and a bang as Norman is knocked off his feet.  The door to Twilight’s apartment has been blown right off the hinges.)
Norman: (Getting to his feet and running into her apartment) Goddamnit Purple….are you alrigh…?
(He freezes, standing in the middle of the apartment is a young man with purple skin and green hair...he looks to be around Sweetie Belle’s age.  He also happens to not have any clothes on.  On the floor is a somewhat dazed Twilight.)
Spike: It worked!  Thank you Twilight!
Norman: Purple….remind me to never ask you for tips on how to be intimate again…(Laughter)
Twilight: Oh...hey Norman...sorry for the commotion.
Norman: Commotion...you blew up half the floor...who is this guy anyways.
Spike: Hello Norman.  Don’t you remember me….we spent a lot of time in that hole on Applejack’s farm that one time.
Norman: No….no no no….you are not telling me this is your dog.
Twilight: Yeah...after I turned you into a pony and then back to human, I figured it might be possible to turn a dog into a human.
Spike: And it worked!
Twilight: Fascinating….Norman, what do you call that thing between Spike’s legs…(Laughter)
Norman: Right….stay here, I’ll get some old clothes.
(quick cut back to the apartment, the door is repaired and Spike is dressed in some of Norman’s old clothes.  He is dressed somewhat similar to Norman with a green shirt and purple jacket on.)
Norman: You’re lucky they fit...guess it helps that I used to be a small fry like you.
Spike: Thanks….Hey! (Laughter)
(Norman’s phone goes off letting him know he has a text message.  He looks at it)
Norman: It’s the Aryan Beauty….
Spike: You know her name is Rarity, right?
Norman: Quiet you. (Laughter) She needs me to come over right away.  Well, good thing shes only a few doors down.
Spike: (Perking up) Rarity lives that close by!  Twi, why didn’t tell me this?
Twilight: This exact reason.
Spike: Well, perhaps I should head over and pay her a visit then.
Norman: I dunno if that such a good idea, sport. (Laughter)
Twilight: I agree how are we supposed to explain your appearance.
Spike: Simple….I’m your cousin come to visit for the week.  C’mon, let me go visit Rarity.
Twilight: Fine, go over with Norman but don’t overstay your welcome.
Norman: (Annoyed) Purple, do you think this is really a good idea?
Twilight: Oh come on, what’s the worst that could happen?
Norman: That’s what I’m worried about finding out. (Laughter to end scene)
 

(Scene two opens with Norman and Spike standing in front of Rarity’s door waiting to answer, we see them from behind.)
Spike: Wait till Rarity sees me now.
Norman: Yeah...I’m sure she will drop everything and jump right into your arms, little guy.
Spike: (Indignant) Hey!  Twilight seemed pretty impressed by something else’s size. (Laughter)
Norman: Odd for someone with such an obsession for horses. (Laughter)  Anyhow, Aryan Beauty and I have something.  You’re just a dog in a twelfth grader’s body.
Spike: Well, at least I can actually call Rarity by her real name.
Norman: Nonsense, I can just as easily.
Spike: We’ll see about that.
(The door opens revealing Rarity)
Rarity: Hello Darling.
Norman: H...hello Rarararararara (Spike nails him in the back of the head like a skipping record player)...rity. (Laughter)
Rarity: (Noticing Spike) And who is this.
Spike: (Seemingly with hearts in his eyes) Hi Rarity!  I’m Spike, Twilight’s cousin.
Rarity: You you are just precious.
(Spike shoots a coy grin at Norman until….)
(Rarity grabs his cheeks and pinches them)
Rarity: Look at your little chubby cheeks….oh Spikey Wikey you are too cute! (Laughter)
(Its Norman’s turn to smirk at Spike)
Rarity: Now, come in come in...Norman, I need to ask you something.
(They enter.  The CMC’s are seen in the living room wearing dresses in various stages of completion, they turn and notice Norman)
CMC: Hello Norman.
Norman: Hello Mini Aryan, Hello AppleBow, Hello Chicken….(Laughter)
Scootaloo: Chicken?
AppleBloom: Is he that bad with names?
Sweetie Belle: Close enough. (Laughter)
Rarity: Spike, Why don’t you introduce yourself to the girls.
(Spike steps forward)
Spike: Hello, I’m Twilight’s cousin, Spike.
(Quick cut to Apple Bloom who is seemingly in love at first sight with him.) (Laughter)
(Scootaloo steps up to him)
Scootaloo: (Shaking hands with him) I’m Scootaloo, and this is Sweetie Belle and….
Apple Bloom: (Interrupting, batting her eyelashes furiously at him, and holding her hand out to him) I’m Apple Bloom.
Spike: Um...nice to meet you? (Laughter)
(Cut to Rarity and Norman)
Rarity: Well, they seem to be getting along well.
Norman: Yeah…(Under his breath) Good Luck, Kid.
Rarity: What's that?
Norman: Hmm?  Oh!  Nothing, Nothing at all. (Laughter)
Rarity: Anyhow, Darling, Fall Formal is coming up and Sweetie asked me to be a chaperone.  Needless to say I agreed.  So I was thinking, it would be so uncouth for me to go to such a soiree alone.  Plus, our Fall Formal was such a mess considering what happened.
Norman: (Thinking back) Yeah….demonic possessions tend to ruin events in that way. (Laughter)
Rarity: What I’m trying to say is: (Holding her hand out to him) Norman, will you be my date to Fall Formal?
Norman: (Is dumbstruck, mouth agape in surprise.  Then it hits him and we see an evil smirk as he looks toward Spike slowly backing away from an overbearing Apple Bloom.  Norman takes Rarity’s hand and says as loudly as possible) Why yes Rarity, it would be my pleasure and an honor to escort you to the Fall Formal!
(Spike notices and snaps his head back shooting Norman a glare that could kill, Norman just returns a grin back at him...it turns to one of worry as Spike smiles back at him before turning to Apple Bloom.)
Spike: (Giving his best smile) Need a date to Fall Formal?
Apple Bloom: I thought you’d never ask. (Laughter to end scene)
 

(Scene 3: Opens with Norman and Rarity in the front seat of the Bradilac with the CMC and Spike in the back seat.  Apple Bloom is nearly on top of Spike sitting as close to him as possible.  He looks with disdain at Norman, he meets his gaze with a smile in the rearview mirror.)
Rarity: It was so nice of Brad to let us use his car.  I know how much these kids like to ride in style to the Formal.
Norman: Yeah, he was even going to drive until something came up.
(Flashback: Norman and Brad’s apartment.)
Brad: (In the Fetal Position) Spend time with the Crusaders?!?  Hell No! Not after last time! (Laughter)
(End Flashback)
Sweetie Belle: What a shame. (Laughter)
(Norman looks back at Spike in the mirror)
Norman: Hey Sport….You’re looking a little nervous….Not everyday a guy gets to take three girls to the dance…(With Emphasis) you Dog you…(Laughter)
Spike: (Laughing, with some annoyance) Yeah...you know me…
Apple Bloom: Aw...don’tcha worry Spike, Granny says that to everyone…
(Flashback to Sweet Apple Acres, Spike gets out of the car to pick up Apple Bloom, he has a corsage for her.  He approaches the porch and sees Granny Smith with her back to him.)
Spike: Excuse me….is Apple Bloom in?
Granny: Oh...you must be her new beau.  
Spike: (Confused) I guess so.
Granny: Ah...well, you be sure to treat her right….(She turns around revealing she has been cleaning a shotgun the entire time, Laughter) Be sure to get her home on time tonight, ya hear?
Spike: (Eyes Wide) Yes Ma'am! (Laughter)
(End Flashback)
Spike: (To Apple Bloom) Yeah...everyone.
(Quick Cut into the dance.  It is in full swing with Vinyl seen behind the turntables)
(Norman is looking over the dance in typical chaperone fashion.  Spike comes up next to him.)
Norman: You enjoying yourself, Champ?
Spike: No...Apple Bloom won’t leave me alone and you’ve been hogging Rarity all night.
Norman: Well, she did ask me to the dance.  Last I checked, you asked AppleBow….you should be paying attention to her.
Spike: But its not fair.
Norman: Neither is the lack of a salary cap in baseball. (Laughter)  
Spike: Where is Rarity, anyways…
Norman: Something about hanging out with the Cru...sa...ders. (Norman and Spikes jaws drop, cut to their vision as they see Rarity swaying her hips as she does in EQG...the Crusaders are around them doing their dances as well.)
(Norman and Spike lean back ala “Friday”.)
Both: DAMN!!!! (Laughter)
Rarity: (Noticing the boys, to Spike) Spikey Wikey!  Come dance with me!
Spike: (Starts toward her, then turns back to Norman) Aren’t you gonna stop me?
Norman: Nah...go on, have fun!
Spike: (Smiling) Thanks…(Shaking hand with him) you’ll regret it though when she falls for me.
Norman: (Tightening his grip) You wish! (Laughter)
(Sweetie comes over and asks Norman to dance with her which he does)
Sweetie Belle: Aren’t you worried about Spike and Rarity?
Norman: Of course not.  Our chase of her and Brad taught me something.  Rarity would never go behind my back.  I trust her far too much. (Awwww)
(Sweetie smiles back at them, Apple Bloom comes by and sees Spike dancing with Rarity.)
Apple Bloom (tenses up a bit) he’s….going...to Love ME!!!(Laughter)
(Norman and Sweetie stare at her and then shrug at eachother)
(The Song ends and Rarity gives Spike a kiss on the cheek, before pinching it again and beckoning to Norman.  Norman walks over as Spike seemingly walks on air, the two of them slapping hands like a tag team as they go past, Laughter).
Spike: (To the CMCs) After all that dancing, I need a drink.
Apple Bloom: Lucky for you, our family providing ice cold ciders from the farm. (handing him one)
Spike: (Taking a sip) Thanks Apple Bloom, I owe you a dance as soon as I’m done.
Apple Bloom: Oh...we’ll dance alright.
Spike: Eh?
Apple Bloom: Nothing….keep drinking. (Laughter)
Spike: (Finishing the cider) Don’t mind if I d….(drops to the ground, knocked out)
Apple Bloom: Oops...guess I brought the wrong type of cider. (Laughter)
(Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stare in horror as AB drags Spike around the bleachers to the corner of the gym)
(Cut back to Norman dancing with Rarity)
Rarity: What time is it?
Norman: (Pulling out his phone) Its...evidently time for a text from Purple…”Norman, be sure to remind Spike it was a Cinderella Spell….the hell does that mean….(Rarity Shrugs) It’s 11:59 by the way….nevermind, midnight.
Apple Bloom: (V/O heard over the music) A dog!  Eh...a dog works too. (Laughter)
Rarity: I guess thats the end of the dance then…
Norman: Yeah…
Rarity: Hey Norman?
Norman: Yeah?
Rarity: Thanks for a great Fall Formal.
(The Two begin to lean in towards each other but are stopped by screaming at the front of the gym, Twist, who has been declared Fall Formal Princess has turned into a demon after putting the crown on)
Norman: Goddamnit!  Nope...not even gonna stay for it this time. (Grabbing Rarity’s hand)  Get your sister and her friends, the school can burn for all I care. (Laughter to end scene)
 
After Credits Scene: (Open on Norman and Brad’s apartment, Norman comes in from the dance and sets the now returned dog version of Spike on the ground...he runs off)
Brad: So the school burned down...again. (Laughter)
Norman: Yeah, you’d think they would have used a different crown. (Laughter)
Brad: So...how’d it go.
Norman: Well...lets see: Aryan Beauty and I got interrupted...again, Spike was actually Purple’s dog as a human, and AppleBow might be into beastiality.
Brad: Bradical! (Laughter)
Norman: (Cringing)  I thought I would go a whole day without hearing that.
Brad: (Looking knowingly at the camera) I couldn’t break the streak like that. (Laughter to end the episode)
 
Next Week: Hilarity Ensues when Rarity and Norman run into an unlikely friend at a beauty pageant in Episode 13: She Always Dressages in Style.