>"What was your world like to elicit such a terrible description?" Twilight asked, this time more worried than curious.
"You might want to grab a larger notebook for this, Twilight."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>It was the night before you came to Equestria.
>You remember every detail as crisp as if had just happened.
 
>The darkness around you was unsettling.
>Your job, however, was worse.
>You ALWAYS got this job.
"Are you guys done yet?" You say at a moderate volume, not wanting to stir anything you couldn't see in the blackness.
>Fuck, it's cold out here.
>"No, not quite. Hold out just a tiny bit longer!" Says a restrained and raspy voice, presumably for the same reason as your own.
>God damn it. Hurry the fuck up.
 
>These gloves aren't stopping the cold.
>Then again, fingerless gloves aren't known for that.
>Why the hell did hobos even wear these things?
"Hurry up!"
>You grip your rifle tighter, trying to ignore the cold of the wasteland.
>"Just give it a couple more minutes!"
>God damn it Sage. Fix the fucking thing already, you fat bastard.
>A crackle can be heard inside the building, quickly followed by an "ow".
"What the fuck are you doing in there!?"
>"Hey, fuck you. I'm going as fast as I can!"
>A couple more pops can be heard, followed by a loud bang.
>"Shit!"
"Did you break it?! That's the only chance we have out of this place!"
>A chorus of haunting moans emanates from the murky wastes.
>We are so fucked.
"GOD DAMN IT, SAGE!"
>Footsteps can be heard approaching fast. Very fast.
>"Just hold out a little longer!" Yells another voice.
>Launch pants_shitting.exe
>The first face breaks through the dark barrier.
"SON OF A BITCH!" You yell as you shoot twice, leaving a hole in said face.
>Two more bodies bolt towards you.
"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKSHITSTACK" You scream as you fire your gun in a flurry of panic.
>They're down, thank god.
>However, you just wasted at least half your clip.
>Dumbass.
>Shit, another one.
>Aaaaaaand another one bites the dust.
>Fuck you brain, that's an awful pun
>Fuck you too.
>Another one makes a break for it in the middle of your self-arguing, this time at sanic speeds.
"OH SHIT NIPPLES GOD DAMN FUCK TITS"
>It got so close you could see the bullet shearing it's necrotic flesh.
>Note to self: No more self-arguments.
>Or Booleans.
>Or bad jokes. -Love, Brain
>I thought we had an agre-
>FGSFDSHIGGITYDIGGITYFFFFFFFFF
>A zombie just grabbed your shoulder
"DIE! DIE! FUCKING DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" You cry out as you bash it's head in.
>Blood splatters all over your face.
>Shit.
>It's not the first time, though.
>Thank god it only spreads through bites.
"ARE YOU FUCKING DONE YET?!"
>"Just a couple more wires and we'll be set!" You hear a woman's voice cry out.
>God damn it.
>Now you feel bad for yelling.
>You almost apologize.
>Almost.
>Because standing guard sucks ass.
 
>A deafening roar interrupts your internal conflict.
>A zombie like you've never seen before steps through the the darkness.
>His orange and green skin is matched by his giant steroid muscles.
>Holy shit it's a Guido Zombie.
>http://youtu.be/WhiGnj7QX2A
 
>"You... Die... NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" It roars in your face, knocking the hood off of your head.
>Fuck.
 
"EAT LEAD YOU SPRAY TANNED BITCH!" You yell back, pulling the trigger as hard as you can.
>A single bullet comes out, barely grazing his arm.
>Clip status: Empty
>Fuck.
>You pull out your pistol, only to have it knocked out of your hands by a swipe from the meat-headed bastard.
>Today is the day you die, isn't it?
 
>You dodge a punch and dive for your pistol
>You stop short inches from the ground
>"SMASH NERD NOW!" It yells, clutching your leg
"Hey fuck you I'm not a-"
>You swear there's now a crater where your face just got smashed into the concrete floor.
>He jerks your crumpled body off of the ground and holds your crippled frame close.
>You take this opportunity and punch him in the shin.
>He cries in pain and drops you on your head.
>Nice plan, dumbass.
 
>You scramble for your pistol before the orange hulk can get back up.
>The bronzed bastard is already charging at you.
>Fuck.
>You grab the pistol and get a direct hit, right in the Polo symbol on his shirt.
>He's not slowing down.
>You close your eyes and rapidly fire three shots ahead, hoping for the best.
>When you open your eyes, he's on his knees with a big hole in his forehead.
>"Y....Yo..Lo..." He mutters before his body topples over onto the ground.
"FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR RICE ROCKET!" You shout as you unload one last bullet into his giant head.
>Hey faggot, my name is Anon and I hate every single one of you zombies.
>"Come on, it's almost done!" Yells the female voice from earlier.
>Shit, time to get out of this place.
>You run into the building, passing by massive columns of wires.
>A low whirring noise can be heard as you enter the room.
>"What you took you so long?" Said Sage, the massive butthurt fat-ass.
"Are you deaf?! Fucking Zeds, man. The fuck did you think it was?"
>"Don't be a bitch, they're just zombies," Sage replied arrogantly, even though he could hardly lift a goddamn rifle.
>"Quit it, Sage. You're just assdamaged that you can't contribute anything and that you're fatter than a whale," Said Noko.
>Ah, Noko. The only reason I stick around with these two.
>Well, not the only reason, but Sage is repulsive and Trip is a pansy-ass.
>Trip was sitting in the corner, shivering.
>"C-Can we go now?" whimpered Trip, his small body jittering beneath his cloth blanket.
"Good point. When do we leave this place?"
>Sage taps a few keys on the console, while Noko hooks up a few wires.
>You get a good look at Noko's ass, just in case this whole 'teleporting' thing fails.
>Wouldn't want the last thing I see to be Sage's flabby rolls.
>You shiver at the thought.
>Delete 'Rolls.JPG'?
>Yes.
>Are you sure you want to empty the recycl-
>YES.
"So... are we set?" You ask, putting your half-loaded pistol back in your holster.
>"Yeah, we should be set." Noko says, hitting a button.
>The teleporter begins to whir louder.
>"Give it about a minute. Everyone onto the metal plate." Sage said, waving his fat arms toward the teleporter.
>Everyone walks towards the plate.
>The minute goes by slowly.
>You can't help but imagine how amazing the island will be.
>No Zombies.
>No Bandits.
>Fruits everywhere.
>Meat everywhere.
>Being the only one who stands a chance at getting laid.
>This was gonna be good.
 
>The teleporter was starting to glow.
>Outta here, zombies.
>Keep your shitty wastelands.
>A loud roar pierces through the ambient humming of the tele.
>No.
>Fuck no.
>I killed you.
>"YOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bellows from the hall.
>God DAMN it.
>You step off of the teleporter and run for the doorway.
>"It's almost ready! What are you doing!?" Noko yells, her cry filled with worry.
>You ignore it, and push on.
>The moment you break the plane of the doorway, you meet an orange fist.
"SHIT"
>He charges you back into the room and pins you to the wall with his forearm.
>His breath smells like dead meat and vodka.
>He punches you in the gut, and begins to lean in for a bite.
>Looks like today was your day to die.
>A bright light flashes, rays shooting outward.
>The big lug stops and turns to see what's going on.
>The light grows so large you can't even see the Zombie anymore.
>And now, you're floating.
>What the actual fuck.
>Light streams past your head, like you're in a tunnel.
>It feels like you're falling horizontally.
>You can see Noko, Trip, and Sage in the distance.
>"Anon! Hurry up! You can still make it!" You can hear Trip holler as hard as he can.
>Shit, there's gotta be a way to move faster.
>You flap your arms like a bird, only succeeding in flipping around like an idiot.
>God dammit, this is really hard.
>You try a swimming motion, making slow progress.
>You don't know when the teleport will end, so you gotta move faster.
>Arms flailing, you're giving it your best effort.
>This has got to be the fastest you can g-
>Holy fuck.
>What the fuck was that? It was like a bullet compared to your slow ass.
>"HELP! IT'S COMING FOR US!" you hear Noko scream.
>Did a fucking zombie figure out this shit faster than you?
>God damn it.
"Don't worry, I've got you covered!"
>You drop your arms to your sides and put your legs together, much like the zombie has.
>The form is much like a skydiver's.
>Way faster than flailing.
>You begin to catch up to them, your body being much lighter than the creatine filled corpse in front of you.
>Shit, he got there first.
>He grabs someone's leg, pulling on them to get closer.
"NOT TODAY, YOU BASTARD!" You call out, trying to sound heroic.
>You pull him back, tearing him away from the group.
>Aaaaaaaaaaaaand in front of you.
>You fucking suck at planning.
>He grabs your arm.
>Oh no.
>He yanks it to face level.
>You're fucked.
>Before you can fumble for you pistol, he's already sunk his teeth into you.
>Fuck.
 
>Well, your ass is finished.
>You were going to live in paradise.
>It's not fair.
 
>No time for tears.
>You're going to die.
>But you aren't going to let them down, too.
 
>You spread out your body like a parachute, dragging both you and the zombie away from the survivors.
>Who are you kidding? They're your friends.
>And you saved them.
 
>You see a white light engulf them.
>Hopefully that means they reached their destination.
>Looks like you'll know soon.
>The light zooms past them and rushes over you.
>The zombie lets go, and is drifts further into the tunnel.
 
>At least you can die alone.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------