Butterflies are really annoying sometimes.  They fly around and flap and make a lot of noise and get in the way of things.  A flock of butterflies is annoying.  I don't like the word swarm.  It sounds mean.  Butterflies aren't mean.  They are annoying but not mean.  I can't think with so many butterflies around.  They feel like they're everywhere.  I feel fluttery, like butterflies.  Butterflies aren't always butterflies.  Sometimes they are caterpillars.  Sometimes they go to sleep and wake up as a different them.  They aren't caterpillars anymore.  They're butterflies.  But they're still that caterpillar, but they're a butterfly.  They are them but they are a different them...
 
Butterflies are annoying...
 
Butterflies are lucky.  They change into a new them and everyone thinks they are pretty.  Nobody yells at butterflies.    But if I change into a new me, who will I be then?  Will I still be me?  I don't know what butterflies think.  Butterflies have flowers.  Butterflies have the sky and the sunshine and the clouds.  Butterflies aren't alone.  Everyone understands butterflies.  They flutter around and make noise, or they sit in your stomach and make you feel fluttery, or they fly around in your head and make you confused.
 
I think I have to change...
 
If I change, maybe the butterflies will stop fluttering in my head and let me think.  Maybe people will stop yelling at me like they don't yell at butterflies.  Words are confusing.  People tell me to do things, and I do them, or I can't do them, and they yell at me.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  People like to tell me that I'm wrong.  People like to tell me I'm not trying.  People like to tell me that I should do more.  I want to do what they tell me, but I can't.  Change is scary, and I don't want to be scared of things.  If I change and do what they tell me, I won't be me anymore.  I'll be a different me than I was before.  I don't want to be a different me.  I just want to be me.  I just want to be who I am.
 
I don't know who I am...
 
I am me, but I don't know who I am.  ...  No one knows who I am.  People tell me I am an artist, so I paint.  I don't know if I'm an artist.  They say my paintings are good, but I don't know if they are.  Words are confusing, but painting makes sense.  My paintings don't have to change.  Do they have to change?  They're me.  Maybe I need more blue.  Blue is my favorite color.  It's the color of the sky.  But it isn't always the color of the sky.  The sky changes too.  Sometimes the sky is purple, or red, or orange.  Blue and orange are opposites.  How can the sky be its opposite too?  Does the sky even know who it is?  Does anyone understand the sky?  The sky is big.  It feels so big sometimes that it's like the whole world is covered in sky and clouds that look like candy, or butterflies, or frogs, or boys with sweater vests.
 
The sky changes a lot...
 
The sky is big, and everyone knows about the sky, but the sky must be lonely.  It is so big, but no one can touch it or feel it.  No matter how high your reach you can never touch the sky.  You go higher and higher and it keeps pulling away from you until you go into black, and then the stars come out.  I don't like the stars.  They go away and come back all the time, but they change too.  Lightbulbs are better than stars.  They aren't fooled by the sky.  They go on when they want and off when they want and they are always them, no matter what the sky tells them to do.  Lightbulbs burn out, though.  They don't last as long as the stars do.  They go out, but the stars are always there with their other stars...
 
...I don't like being alone...
 
No one understands me.  Everyone yells at me.  Butterflies are annoying and loud and lightbulbs burn out and I don't know who I am...  I wish I knew what was wrong with me.  I wish people could understand me...  Is it okay to feel tears and not know why?  People always tell me not to cry...but Hisao never tells me that.  I like it when Hisao is around me.  His kindness scares me...  It scares me because...because it makes me want to be someone that isn't the me that I am right now.  It makes me want to be a different me, it makes me want to change, but I don't want to lose the me that I am.  Hisao doesn't understand me.  He can't understand me, but I want to make him understand part of me.  He can't see my paintings like I can.  I want him to see what I see...
 
...Can you see me, Hisao?
 
How long have I been laying here alone?
 
I want to see you, Hisao...
 
The outlines of everything are soft.  I like that.  It makes me feel connected.  It feels like the rain is hugging me.  I told that to Hisao once and he told me that my art could be like that.  Hisao doesn't understand my art.  Hisao doesn't understand me...but...I don't understand me.  If Hisao can't understand me and I can't understand me, that makes us the same, like apples and apples.  Apples can be different kinds of apples, but they're all apples.  Hisao fed me oranges once, but never apples.  I think I liked that.  It made me feel butterflies and warm.  What's the word for when you feel fluttery and warm and your heart beats faster?  Maybe I can ask Hisao that when I see him.
 
Rain is cold and wet but it makes me feel alive.  It makes me feel connected to the places around me, makes me feel connected to the sky, and the clouds, and the colors.  It wraps me up in the wetness like a blanket of little cold pokes on my skin.  The rain drips off my hair and splashes onto my skin and my shirt and the ground.  There are puddles too, and they are cold on my feet.  The world is with me today, all around my skin and my hair and my legs.  It smells clean, refreshed, like it doesn't care about anything, and it is crisp, like an apple.  Like a blue apple that is cold and thick and filled with fuzzy outlines of things, and is soft and not sharp.  It isn't all there, but it hints at things like Emi hints that I should be quiet when I talk about her being short or having a chest like Hisao's.  It isn't a solid thing, like my paintings or my colors.  It's wet and moves like water.
 
People are gone, but the person that I want to see is still here.  The person that is Hisao is in his room.  I want to show you the world that I brought with me, Hisao.  I want to show you what it means to be connected.  You didn't understand before when I told you, but maybe if I show you this you will understand my connection.  Maybe you can see what I see.  I want to bring you closer to me, so you can see, Hisao...  Your door is heavy, and hard.  It isn't like the rain.  It's like a wall that keeps me away from you.  I don't want there to be any more walls.  I want to be able to be free with you, and just be me, and you be you, and both of us be us.
 
I feel cold.  But I feel like I'm warm inside.  The wall came down.  But there are still a lot of walls left.  I feel like me, but not me.  I don't know how I feel.  I'm me, but not me, half me...  Medium normal.  I'm wet because I came from outside, Hisao...  I'm wet because of raindrops.  Buckets would hurt if it was raining buckets.  It would also be a really big mess.  I think I would like to see that.  I didn't see that.  I could paint the sky with buckets, or maybe the sky inside of a bucket to hold it all in.
 
Do you think I am pitiful Hisao?  Is that what you think I am?  Maybe I am...  Everyone seems to think there is something wrong with me.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Something pitiful would have to make a lot of things sad.  I don't make things sad, I make them angry...  I don't think I'm pitiful.  I'm not.  And the rain is not pitiful either.  It is a happy thing...  Maybe that is why you don't smile enough, Hisao.  Maybe you need to walk more in the rain and feel the happiness from it, and let it fill you up...like a bucket full of sky, a blue sky with white clouds, a blue umbrella of sky with white stripes. ... You should imagine harder, Hisao.
 
I want you to see me, Hisao.  I need you to help me help you see me.  I need to come in.  I need you to help me...  Emi left, Hisao.  I don't want Emi to see me, Hisao, not like I want you to see me.  I want you to see me, and I want to see you.  Emi would just be upset about me walking in the rain.  She can't understand me either.  You won't fuss about it, will you, Hisao?  Let me in, let me see you, don't keep me out anymore...  ...Stop talking Hisao.  Everything is fine.  ... Stop fussing Hisao. Stop worrying.  It is not a problem...
 
My shirt is a wall, the buttons are like soldiers guarding me from things that might hurt me...like your kindness, Hisao.  
 
I'm scared, Hisao, but I want you to see me.  
I want you to see how I feel.  
 
Your eyes are looking at me.  They're looking at me, but are they seeing me?  The towel on my head feels warm and soft, like the time I ate your oranges, Hisao.  It is pulling away the world I brought with me, and leaving me with only you.  Only you and only me, and the walls that are keeping you and me and us away, the walls that are tall and thick and so tall they stretch into the black part of the sky above the blue.  I want to break them but I don't know how.  Maybe if I was a butterfly I could float over it to see you, so you could see me...  Floating instead of drowning...  I think that would be nice.  Do you see me yet, Hisao?
 
Your hand is warm, Hisao, like the sunshine playing with the clouds on a warm day, and the breeze wrapping you up in it.  You're very warm.  Were you always this warm?  Just let me feel this warmth a while, Hisao.  Please, let me closer...  Your fingers are warm and trembling.  Are you scared too, Hisao?  I think it would be okay if you were.  Kissing is supposed to make you not feel scared, right?  Don't pull your fingers away...  The towel can go away but I don't want you to move away.  My heart is beating faster again, just like it did before.  My pants?  Them too.  I want you to see all of me, Hisao.  Your cheek is warm.  I don't want to be so far away anymore...
 
Hisao, stop teasing me, please.  I am here, all of me for you to see.  Stop being afraid.  Be here, with me.  Stop worrying about what happened before and what happens after, just be here, now, with me.  Let it go...  
 
...  
 
You understand.  You can see.  You can't always see me Hisao, but this me, the me with you right now, this is me too.  Words are confusing.  But this, that...  It's simple.  It makes sense.  You understand what I'm saying without words.  My heart is beating even faster.  My skin feels like it is full of warm butterflies running up and down.  --!!  And that...there...  It's hot like the face of the sun.
 
It's getting closer Hisao.  Please don't pull away from me now.  I don't want any more walls.  My body isn't listening to me anymore.  It has gone deaf, doing whatever it wants.  I can't think.  Lightbulbs and sky and butterflies are spinning in my head and I can't think and I can't focus and my body feels like it is wound up like Emi before she runs and it is almost ready to explode like a star.  Hisao don't back away, don't stop, please.  This is everything I am right now, don't let me fall Hisao!  Hisao!  The walls are gonna break, I can feel them Hisao!
 
...!!
 
...I can't breathe.  
 
...I can't get enough air and my body is tingling all over and shaking, and I'm hot and cold all at once...and warm.
 
...Did you see me, Hisao?  Hisa--No! Hisao...that's enough...  I need to see you too... Come here.
 
Your arms are warm and soft and strong at the same time.  I feel like I could just sit here and feel you against me.  No matter how far apart we are, we can still be this close...  We don't have to be alone, right?  I don't want to be friends anymore Hisao.  I don't want to be just friends.  I want you to see what I see, understand me, feel me...  Will you stop being my friend?  I...think it might be all right.  Even if you did.  You're cold and damp, Hisao.  You're wet.  Some of the rest of the world still got pulled into us because of me.  I don't want to see that.  I want to see you...
 
Your chest is warm, and thick, and strong, but this...  This is a part of you that only I can see, Hisao.  Don't be so scared...  I already know where your problem is, and it isn't with your tackle.  Remember?  I told you that before, and you told me what was wrong.  You know what is wrong with you, even if I don't know what is wrong with me.  Hisao...  Please let me touch you.  I can see you looking nervous again.  I'm scared too, but if I have to change into a butterfly, I want to do it with you and no one else.  So, you have to stop worrying.  You really have to learn to let go.
 
I can see into your eyes, Hisao.  I can see myself in them.  There are two of me there, but there is only one of me here.  Even if I can see the two, you can only see the one.  Can you see the me in front of you Hisao, or can you only see the me's in your head?  You're still scared, but I'm scared too.  I'm scared of changing after this, but I want to see you, and I want you to see me, all of me.  I want to feel you against me.  Let go of your fears, Hisao, like I am doing.  I want this distance, this gap to close, like two halves of an orange being wrapped up in the same skin.  I want us to be the same person, Hisao...  Don't worry about future or past because you can't change those kinds of things.  Just be with me now...  Come here...
 
Come closer.
 
Closer.
 
Closer.
 
Hisao...!  Hisao!  We're together.  We're one person.  Our walls have broken...my final wall has come down because of you.  My mind is filled with butterflies, butterflies and you, and dandelions, and stars, and buckets and rain.  But, Hisao, this feeling of being one person, of feeling safe and warm and fuzzy and confused...is this what you meant?  Is this what you meant when you said I didn't have to be alone, Hisao?  
 
...
 
Then, I'm not alone.
 
Hisao I'm not alone!  I don't ever want to be alone ever again.  I don't want this feeling to ever stop.  I don't want there to be anymore walls or yelling or tears or frowns or destroying myself.  I can feel it in my head.  I feel like I'm floating, surrounded by butterflies and flowers and clouds.  I'm surrounded by your warmth, Hisao.  I feel you against me, inside me, and I never want to be without this feeling.  I'm not alone...
 
My body is curling like Emi again.  I feel the wave coming, building up, growing stronger against the wall like the ocean.  You feel it too, right Hisao?  I can feel it on your skin, I can feel you curling up like Emi too, I can feel you getting hotter and warmer.  Past, future, all that's here is the right now with you, Hisao.  With you, right now, Hisao!  Together, as one person!  Hisao!!
 
----!!!
 
...
 
...
 
Hisao's room is higher up than mine.  I can see the world and the sky being reflected on the ground by all the puddles.  I still don't see any buckets.  I don't think Hisao knew what he was talking about.  The glass is cool right near my face and I can see my breath fogging up the window and making it cloudy.  It makes everything harder to see, unclear, but that is okay.  Sometimes things are hard to see with your eyes, so you have to see them in your head, and sometimes you have to see them with your feet, or see them with your hand like blind people do.  Butterflies taste things with their feet.  I don't think I would like tasting my shoes or the ground all the time.  Hisao is being noisy with his shirt...
 
I have something else I want to show you Hisao.  I want to take you somewhere and show you.  Don't worry about where, I know where it is.  Help me get dressed and I will show you.  I think today is the day.  Come on, clothes...
 
Hisao is bad at putting clothes on.  Not like Emi.  Emi knows what she is doing, and she doesn't have legs, but she can put on pants well.  Hisao has hands and a chest like Emi's, but he can't put on a bra.  I expected more from him, but now that we have some of our walls back up I don't think he can see me as clearly as he could before.  But that is okay.  When we get there, you can see everything...
 
Look at the flowers, Hisao.  They've changed, and they're still free...  Maybe I can change too and still be free.  What do you think about me, Hisao?  Do you think I'm like a butterfly or a dandelion?  Am I an artist?  How do you see me now?  Emi said once that if you love something, you have to follow it through to the end, or something like that.  She was talking with food in her mouth.  I can't understand that.  Words are confusing.  But you followed me all the way here, Hisao, and I followed you to your room. ... Hisao.  Do you love me?
 
...
 
...I don't think that is what you are supposed to say to someone if they ask you if you love them.  What does that mean? ... I guess I don't know what it means either.  I don't know myself, and I'm not sure I know Hisao, and I don't know what love means. I don't think I know much about love. ... I love you...
 
...
 
It tastes weird...  Really weird.  I don't think it would taste any better with my feet, though.  It tastes weird, but my heart feels weird too.  My whole body feels weird, and warm, and light, and my heart is beating quickly like it did before.  Is there a word for this?  It's like...  I don't know how to describe it.  I can see it, though.  I can see me floating through the clouds with the flowers, and the butterflies, and it's warm, and light.  It's like being happy but its not like being happy.  Even after bringing down all of our walls, Hisao...  After being so close together and feeling you inside me and me next to you and against you and feeling like I was flying...  I...  I still can't...  Why are words so confusing! Why can't I just tell you!
 
Why am I so scared...?
 
Tears again...  I...
 
I might be a little afraid of you...
 
I don't know why I'm so afraid...but saying that made me feel like that.  People cry when they're afraid, right Hisao?  See?  I can do it too...  I don't care now, I have to say something to you, Hisao.  My thoughts...
 
I...I sometimes, with you, want to run away so badly but I can't move it's like my legs turn into lemon panna cotta pudding and my heart feels like it's going to explode and...
 
I just can't...
 
Has a thing like this ever happened to you?
 
...
 
It did?  Hisao, but I thought your thing wasn't contagious...  Am I sick now?  Did I catch your thing? ... I don't know, but, the flowers and the butterflies and the reflections on the sidewalk and in your eyes...  They make me feel like...  
 
You make me feel that I should be someone else than me.  It's a scary thing.  It happens when you are being nice to me.  Like yesterday.  I never know what to do at times like that.  It's hard.  But I want to do something.  But I don't know if this me can.
 
Now you're stepping closer, Hiaso.  You're closing the distance between us again.  Kissing me...  Your heart is beating against my chest.  It's scary and irregular like my mural...but this is part of you, just like the mural is part of me...  See, Hisao?  You are a really kind person, even when you are not.  It's the most scariest thing ever.
 
...Hisao...
 
I think...that all I was ever afraid of was your kindness.
 
...
 
Is it bad?  Being afraid can be bad, but, it can also be good.  Lions are scary, and running away from them is good so you don't die and turn into lion food.  But...being scared can also hold you back, like it kept me from you Hisao.  All of my walls were up and you broke them down and it was scary and it made me really worried and panicked, but...you're kind.  So...if I need to be scared...
 
No.  I'm all right with it.  If it's you.
 
...
 
Did I become a true artist?  Nomiya yelled at me a lot about that, but, I don't think it really matters.  I am me, and I'm not the me he wanted me to be.  I don't think I want to be the me he wanted me to be.  I think I just want to be the me that I want to be...
 
I don't think it matters.
 
Let's just watch the clouds for today.
 
... It's good to do what you really want to do, sometimes?
 
Yeah, you are probably right...
 
The rain is blowing away in the wind and I can see the clouds being moved by it in the distance.  They seem so far away, but they're still the same clouds that brought the rest of the world together with me earlier.  They change, but the rain stays the same, and sometimes different clouds come and they rain too, but it is always still rain...  They're still the same, even if they change...
 
I have decided something.
 
It's all right to be me after all.
 
The wind picks up more and I can feel it hugging me all over.  My hair and my shirt and my face and legs and everything.  It wraps around me and I open my arms to hug it back.  It feels good to be hugged, to feel connected with the world and everything going on.  It feels good to belong and feel close to something.  It feels good to not be alone anymore, to know that if I go for a walk in the rain that Hisao will be there to dry me off, even if Emi isn't.  Hisao...  I feel so light...  I feel like I could float away into the sky like a dandelion in the wind, being carried by those big arms all around me, feeling warm and wrapped in a blanket of sunshine.
 
Hisao?
 
I look at him and I feel the feeling fill me up like a bucket of sky and clouds and butterflies and lightbulbs.  I feel warm all over and I feel myself smiling because of this warmth.  I don't know what it is, I'm no good with words.  But, Hisao, maybe you know...?
 
What's the word for when it feels inside your heart that everything in the world is all right?