The Thorax Conundrum
 
>You are Anon, friend to Twilight.
>You're in Equestria because of some random occurrence. On your 21st Birthday, while asleep after a wild night of partying, (you even managed to bed that cute chick in your class) something appeared to you. You can't remember much, as your memory of that night is hazy.
> All you can remember, was that it was some mishmatched creature, made up of all sorts of things. Paw of a Lion, Claw of a Griffon, the head of you don't even know what. You seem to recall talking going on. It must have been about something. Long story short, you woke up here.
>Adjusting was somewhat hard for you, what with no TV, no internet, (goodbye PornHub, my old friend), flying Pegasi, Unicorns (the first time you saw Twilight lift something with telekinesis, you thought you were high).
>Well, You're here now, you have a somewhat snarky job as Twilight's (she hates you referring to her as 'Princess' when not in a formal setting) Bookeeper. Spike has it easy going somewhat, he helps Rarity a lot nowadays, and he could use the extra time off.
>Today is the big day Twilight had been going apeshit over for the past 4 days.
>'Thorax' is coming.
>Your first question to Twilight, was to ask just who the hell this person was.
>Apparently, according to her, he is something called a 'Changeling'.
>She says that they were evil bug-looking creatures that sought to take over Equestria and use it as a farm for food. That reminds suspiciously of a film you liked... Hmmmm.....
>They sound kinda cool. Twilight says her own student, Starlight, changed them, by saying that they could live without stealing love, and could give it to each other.
>Their old leader, Chrysalis, vowed revenge on Starlight, but, surprise, surprise, hasn't shown up since.
>The turnout at the Train Station for the arrival of this guy seemed pretty big.
>All of Twilight's friends were there, including Glimmer. *sigh* You can't stand that asswipe. She was going to be a thorn in your side from the day you met her, and you knew that. The first time you saw her, she came parading into your room in a drunken stupor, ranting and raving about how 'Equality is good for the masses, green man. You should try it'. And then attempting to force herself on you. Suffice it to say, she was thrown out, and the door was closed. On her nose.
>She screamed rather loudly. And Twilight chastised you for it.
At last, Twilight ushered in silence, as the train rolled onto the platform.  What stepped out, can only be described as a fucking explosion in a paint factory, with a child's vomited glitter on top.
>But... There's something else about this guy. Something you don't quite get. You really can't fath-
>'Oh. Little Anon. Hello there. How are you? Why did you decide to pop up when you're clearly looking at a FUCKING GUY YOU HOMO.'
>It seemed as though it was going to be one of those days...
 
>What you assume to be Thorax is flanked by two of what seem to be his guards. *snort* What lax security. Mind you, they do look kinda cut- WHAT? Anon, listen to me. I'll spell this out for you real easy.
>You.
>Are.
>NOT.
>GAY.
>You silently usher closer to Twilight, in the hope for support.
>Thorax has been talking to Twilight during this time, although, you seemed to be throughly occupied, trying to attempt, in vain, to pray the gay away.
>Didn't seem to be working.
>'...And this is Anon, Thorax. My Bookeeper.'
>'Really? I thought that was Spike's job.'
>You begrudgingly step forward, so shyly, you could give Fluttershy a run for her money.
>'H-hi, Thorax. M-my name's Ano...,' you say in a voice so quiet, that even a bat wouldn't hear it.
>'Uh, Hi. Didn't quite catch that Could you repeat it?'
>Sensing your nervousness, Twilight, you hope, comes in for support.
>'Anon, you do know it's rude to ignore guests, don't you?'
>Ooor not. Fuck you, Purplesmart. >'
>In an attempt to get this conversation over with, while you're in the middle of a sexual dilemma, and without submerging the whole of Ponyville in spaghetti, you speak so fast that even you don't understand what you're saying.
>'Hithoraxmyname'sanon.Ireallythinkweshouldcontinuethisconversationanothertimeperhapsinprivatebecauseyoulookreallynicetoday,and...'
>Brain. Stop.
>You hold your breath.
>D-did you just call Thorax, 'cute'?
>'Hi Anon. Nice to meet you. We'll catch up sometime later okay'?
>Luckily, he had at least heard your name. The rest of your friends didn't.
>Thank Christ.
>You begin to imagine what would happen...
>The endless teasing from Rarity
>Rainbow Dash calling you a stud
>Applejack acting brash as if that didn't matter.
>It DOES.
>You've been as straight as an arrow until this psychedelic paint production line came into town.
>'I'm going to go. Away. Now.'
>And that was the end of that.
 
>You are Twilight.
>Your friend Anon just acted very strange around Thorax.
>You'll have to ask him about it when you get home. And, of course, if he doesn't mind having a roommate, as you neglected to purchase more beds for the rooms in the castle, and as a result, aside from your room and Spike's, Anon's room is the only room in the castle with a spare bed.
'Now, Thorax. This is Rarity. She...'
 
 
>You are Anon.
>You're in your room at home, in Twilight's castle.
>Curled up on your bed in the fetal position, and shaking like a leaf.
>'I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.  I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.'
>You say to yourself constantly.
>What will get rid of this thing you're feeling?
>A life of pious devotion?
>Maybe you should start praying to Celestia, to strike you down where you lay, right this instant.
>Your mind decides on one rational option.
>You're going to have to exorcise the gay from you.
 
>That's it. You've spent hours laying salt in the form of a pentagram. This will finally do it. You won't be bothered by Paint Bucket anymore.
>You still need to pay back Purpleshit for fucking with you and actually making you converse with him at some point.
>The, 'Guide to Excorcisms for Dummies' you stole from the restricted section of Twilight's library should do the trick.
>You lay the book down in the middle of the circle of salt.
>You begin to chant quietly, calling on the demonic tongue to excorcise the evil spirits from your body.
>It was like that mission in Skyrim where you cleansed the werewolf from yourself and fought it.
>Or, at least you'd want it to be that cool.
>Probably wouldn't be.
>Most likely.
> 'I call to Equestria's dark spirits, heed my call and rise to obey me in my time of need.'
>There was a sudden breeze in the room, spreading the salt you'd spent hours laying all over the damn room.
>'Mother fucker...' you curse under your breath.
>All of a sudden, the location where the salt was began to glow an unearthly red.
>A blinding light spread across the room, followed by the *POP* of a certain Alicorn's teleportation.
>fuckthis.png
>'Oh Anon. I was wondering if you mind-.'
>'Anon.'
>'Yes, honey?'
>'Why do you have that book. I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO INTO THE RESTRICTED SECTION!'
>Twilight was coming at you with the force of a fluffy bunny rabbit.
>She flew directly into you, lightly punting you with her hooves, with... him, watching in puzzling bemusement.
>'Don't. Do. It. Again.'
>You conceed to Twilight.
>'So, Twi? What is he doing here?'
>'Oh, right. *cough* I was wondering whether you were worried about having a roommate for the few days that Thorax is with us.'
>Fuck. You knew it was a bad idea choosing the 2 bed room to push them together to make a double bed.
>What about your back pain?
>Fuck.
>'I-I guess Twilight. Come on Thorax.'
>The bug's eyes lit up, and he raced over to you, folding his wing over your shoulders.
>'Oh, Anon. we're going to have to much fun.'
>His smile stretched so wide, you thought his face had broken, as his face squeaked, when he cracked that smile.
>Well, come on then. I'll show you to my- our room.
>There.
>There it was again.
>That feeling. It always happened around him.
>Was, was it something to do with him? Was he doing something to make you sex obsessed?
>You were resigned to your fate, shooting Twilight a glare as you led Mr. Sexual Advances out of the room.
'Stop'.
>'What is it, Twi'?
>'Why were you looking at Exorcisms for dummies'?
>Her voice took on a darker than death tone.
>You swallowed hard.
>'U-uhm I-I was trying to-'
>You stuttered out, but the next words died in your throat.
>You were done for.
>Celestia was going to have you executed for attempted demon summoning.
You'd be strung up like that... thing in the Canterlot Castle Gardens.
>Immortalised as a statue for all eternity, where birds would shit on you for the rest of-
>Wait, why was Twilight laughing?
>'You know this book was a joke, right?'
>Wha?
>'Pinkie Pie got it me for April Fools''
>Sparkle.
>Get fucked.