He sits in the seat of his red ‘74 Mustang and peers through the window. His dirty, faded dark green suit and red and yellow scarf cover his tired carcass, peering over the dashboard through his thick eyeglasses. The eyes behind them are weary. These eyes have seen things that most men could only dream of. These eyes have seen nightmares, only they were real. These eyes have seen things which would make your average man fall to his knees and weep. These are the eyes of the last sane man left in an insane world.
Women out of their homes. Women going to college. Women earning a wage equal to their male counterparts. Women in governments across the world ‘helping’ to make the decisions which affect the lives of every man walking this earth. While men lay in their beds at night drifting off to dreamland they are blissfully unaware of the stranglehold that these succubi have over them.
He takes a cigarette out of his jacket pocket, puts it to his mouth and lights it. He takes a long drag and lowers his window while he exhales, smirking as a cough is heard inside the car.
“Hey Kenji, can you put that out?”
The man shakes his head.
“Come on, man! You know I can’t be near that shit. It’ll kill me!”
With the cigarette pursed between his lips he shakes his head again and rolls his window further down.
“Look Kenji! If you don’t put that out right now then I’m out of here. I don’t need you. It’s you who needs me!”
The man takes a final drag and flicks the cigarette out of the window.
“Drive Hisao.”
His accomplice revs the Mustang and they begin to cruise around the streets.
“Why do we still use your car? Why do you even have a car? You can’t even drive and you always make me pay for the gas.” Hisao asserts, complaining once more about his working conditions. “Mustangs are cool,” chuckles Kenji. Hisao smiles back at him. He may not be the last sane man left in an insane world, but he’s as close as Kenji will find.
“We’re going to see Mutou today. He’s got info on our latest bounty.”
“Let me guess. It’s going to be ANOTHER beautiful woman. What did she do this time? Huh? Skip a red light? Didn’t pay a train fare? She went to shake hands with someone but then pulled back and brushed the side of her head!” Hisao laughs, trying to poke the manly black-haired bear in the passenger seat.
“I’m not going over this again Hisao. You’ve seen firsthand what women can and will do to keep men down. First that Ian chick tried to kill you with poisoned ink disguised on a love note, and then I found you collapsed on the running track with that weird stumpy brown girl! That’s two near death experiences in the space of a year, but in the 7 years we’ve hunted these bitches together that has not happened a single time. You’ve got to start trusting me.” Kenji flatly replies, as though it was a pre-prepared routine.
“I have Arrhythmia. You know that. It wasn’t Miki or IWANAKO’s fault that my heart was weaker when I was younger.”
“Arrhythmia Shmarrhythmia. Those bitches straight up tried to murder your ass, but I’ve got your back Jack,”  he laughs as they pull up to a small suburban house with a mailbox labelled A. Mutou.
A grizzled old man steps out onto his porch. His wiry expression has not changed since he taught Science to Hisao at Yamaku Academy. Gesturing with his left arm he invites the two men into his home.
“Sit.”
Mutou points towards an old couch and pours three drinks, setting them at a small oak table. Two whiskeys and a French Vanilla tea.
“You’re still drinking that shit? She’s in Scotland living with her Mafioso parents. Move on Hisao!” Kenji shouts. “Grow a pair, forget that bitch and drink some fucking whiskey.”
“Mutou, what have you got?” Hisao ignores Kenji’s jabs.
“This time you have two targets. Both females in thei-”
“Oh, fuck me,” mumbles Hisao.
“Shut up dude. Mutou please continue.”
“Ahem,” Mutou clears his throat. “Both bounty heads are females in their twenties. I believe you’re both acquainted with them.”
Mutou slides a picture of both girls. Kenji jumps out of his chair.
“I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE STUMPY RUNNING CHICKS BRO! I TOLD YOU DOG!”
“Son of a bitch. What did they do and how much are their bounties?” inquires Hisao, visibly taken by the faces in front of him.
“The first is Emi Ibarazaki. She’s been seen shoplifting at least four times and put some non-recyclable material in a recycling bin.
The second is Miki Miura. She was spotted in her Honda Civic doing 54 in a 50 zone.”
“SHIT! Their treachery knows no bounds. How can society be allowed to crumble at the hands of these wenches?”
“Your best bet for finding these girls is probably the track. Both girls continued running together once they left Yamaku Academy and have represented Japan in competitions across the world. If they aren’t at the track they will be either in the gym or working at the local convenience store. They were roommates in college and since then have done everything together.”
“Hisao, let’s roll!”
“Wait,” snaps Hisao. “Mutou, how much on their heads?”
“1000 yen each.”
“Hell yeah, that’s 500 more than the last girl we caught. High five bro!”
“No. Let’s just catch them and get our money.”
“Aww come on man, don’t leave me hanging.”
Mutou steps over and half heartedly touches Kenji’s risen hand.
“Thanks dude. See Hisao, somebody is a team player. I thought this guy would have taught you better back in school. You should have dated Ian and had her try and kill you when you were even younger. Then you could have come to Yamaku earlier and learned from the true masters which stand before you and maybe then you could apprecia-”
“I said lets go! Goodbye Mutou.”
“Goodbye guys. Hurry up with this bounty, ok? I still need my cut from the last 6.”
"Yeah yeah, you'll get your money. We have bitches and whores to take care of first."
-----------------------------------
 
“2000 fucking yen! Are you kidding me Kenji? Are you? It’ll cost us more than that to fuel this piece of trash! If we’re going to hunt exclusively women can we at least get some real fucking bounties? Nah, lets waste our time losing money. You remember Takashi from my class in Yamaku? He’s wanted for double homicide, two women walked into his art store in Kyoto and he killed them. You know what the bounty on Takashi is? 250,000,000 yen! You know what we could do with that money? ANYTHING! You know why we don‘t? Because you‘re an idiot!”
“Relax buddy, Takashi probably had a reason to kill those hookers. We’ll get to all the crazy bitches, but right now we have crippled fish to fry.”
Kenji once again puts a cigarette to his mouth, but places it carefully back inside it’s packet, feeling Hisao’s sharp stare in the side of his head as he went to open his window.
“Why do I even bother? I could get a real job. I could have a wife and kids. Hell, if I’d tried to convince her to stay in Japan I bet we‘d still be together. I‘d have a life with her”
“But you don‘t have those things,” Kenji laughs heartily, his whole body violently convulsing.
Mankind’s saviors quickly arrived at the local convenience store which Emi and Miki worked at. It was only a short drive from Mutou’s home.
“You know, I used to come here with Lilly all the time. I would take her by the hand, lead her around the aisles, describe what was on them and pick out what Lill-”
“Shut up Hisao, we don’t have time for you to get emotional over some Mafia bitch. We’re working. Here’s the plan; I’m hungry but there’s a chance that those two bitches will be at the counter. We‘ll go  in and grab a couple of sandwiches for lunch. Then we go and buy a six-pack since I can’t work while sober.”
“But you already drank at Muto-”
“Damn it Hisao stop being so rude! I’m trying to work. As I was saying, next we’ll buy a six-pack and maybe a copy of ‘Guns n Ammo!’ Follow my lead.”
 
DING!
“Hello and welcome to Daily Yamazaki we hope that you find wa- OH MY GOD! Hisao is that you?” scream the two girls behind the counter.
“Uh, hi Emi. Hi Miki.”
“What are you doing here? We haven’t seen you since High School.”
“WE’RE JUST GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT!” Kenji butts in and drags Hisao out of the girls’ line of sight.
“Hisao, they’re onto us. I can feel it in my spleen.”
“What are you talking about? They were just being friendly.”
“Nobody is that friendly. Not even Cheery McDrillz. You got your gun?”
“No, why would I bring a gun to a convenience store? Where’s yours?”
“I left it in the park. Damn it Hisao you‘re always letting us down. Here’s the new plan and remember to play it cool. First we grab a couple of sandwiches, a six-pack and a copy of Guns n Ammo. That’s why we came here. Then we go buy a pack of extra-large condoms. This’ll trick them into thinking that instead of being after them, we’ll be AFTER them, if you catch my drift.”
“I don’t, but I know you’re going to do this anyway”
“Let’s rock!”
Our brave heroes quickly grab all of their items and go to the counter to pay.
“You’ve got; two chicken sandwiches; Issue #258 of Guns n Ammo; a six-pack of Asahi Super Dry and a box of extra-large condoms. Anything else?” asks Emi.
“THIS IS MY SHOPPING WHICH I HAVE PREPARED FOR MYSELF AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT DON’T BE RUDE ABOUT IT!”
“Smooth,” Hisao whispers into Kenji’s ear.
“Huh, looks like you boys have a wild night ahead of you,“ adds Emi, winking at Miki.
“We’re not like that!” Hisao blurts out.
“We totally are. A couple of kicking guys that go out and have crazy nights together.”
“OK… that’ll be 1500 yen.”
Hisao hastily hands the money over and grabs his bag of goodies.
“Hey Hisao, if you could postpone one of your ‘crazy nights’ would you like to come down to the track tonight at 6:30? It would be great to catch up.”
“Sure, I’d love that. Bye girls.”
“BYE HISAO! BYE KENJI! SEE YOU TONIGHT” they say, waving the men out of the door.
“I told you Kenji,” Hisao beams. “Women cannot resist sweater-vests.”
“Yeah, you’ve worn those goofy things every day for almost 10 years and this is the first time a girl has asked you to go somewhere since Lilly left. Why do you want to be with filthy jezebels anyway? They‘ll just use you for your energy and then steal your seed as you sleep. I‘ve seen some shit on the internet, and it is not pretty.”
“If I told you, you wouldn’t understand. Let’s just get ready for tonight.”
 
----------------------------------
 
 
Knock-Knock.
“What’s the password?”
“Honeymuffin.”
“Oh Hisao, thank god it’s you. I thought ‘they’ were coming to kill me before our rendezvous. And then they’d cut off my left foot and sent it to you in the mail and you’d open it and wonder who’s foot it was until they mailed you my other body parts one by one until they sent you the penultimate part, my head and you’d realise ‘OH FUCK IT’S KENJI HE’S REALLY DEAD THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING’ and you’d cry and then you’d receive the final part of me which would be obviously be the most honest part of my body and on it they would have written love from Emi and Kiki-”
“It’s Miki.”
“Shut up Hisao. It would say Emi and Miki and then you would become enraged and look in the mirror and put on some cool gloves as you pull the second glove down you would say “shit just got real” or something equally cool and then you would avenge my death while also sacrificing the bounty because they have to be brought in alive but you would just kill them instead because you loved me so much and missed me and you’d sell the Prius to drive my Mustang and Mutou would become your new partner but he’d never truly replace me in your heart but you’d still continue hunting women until you both died in my honor.”
“Huh. I guess I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Well you should! Time to go.”
The two men enter Kenji’s Mustang. They both appear to be overdressed for a meeting at a running track. Kenji’s suit has changed from a faded green to a deep navy blue suit paired with a red and white scarf. Hisao on the other hand opts for a black pinstriped three-piece number.
“Hey Hisao,  you got your gun?”
“Yeah. Do you?”
“Of course. I never forget.”
“But earlier today yo-”
Kenji doesn’t even acknowledge Hisao’s interruption.
“When we get there it makes sense for us to split and take one each. I’ll take that smelly brown one and you take her daughter.”
“You know Emi was in our year at school and she‘s older than us, and that’s racist! You can‘t say that about Miki.”
“If she has no respect for our speed limits then I have no respect for her race. At least you‘ve taken off that ridiculous sweater-vest.”
 
----------------------------------------------
 
“Hisao you made it!” Emi calls from the bleachers. She jumps from her seat and pulls Hisao into a lengthy embrace. Her tight, wet running clothes and glistening bare skin cover Hisao’s suit and his sense of smell is soon overcome by a mixture of sweat and strawberries. “I was worried you wouldn’t come.”
“Y-you too,” Hisao whimpers, causing Kenji to pull him aside.
“I said play it cool, Hisao. What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just she’s so beautiful and it’s been a while.”
“Well suck it up. There’s money at stake.”
“Hardly,” muttered Hisao.
“Hey Hisao, follow me. There’s something I have to show you in the storage shed,” whoops Emi, dragging Hisao towards a small metal room on the other side of the track.
 
Kenji was left stood near the bleachers with Miki.
“So Kiki, what’s a stupid black whor- I mean attractive, intelligent woman such as yourself doing working at a convenience store? Got anything to hide?” inquires Kenji.
“Nope.”
“Are you sure? I don’t see many brainless, stumpy nigge- GORGEOUS FOREIGN GIRLS around here.”
“Guess I’m the only one.”
“You don’t say or do much do you?”
“Stuff, gaylords, weed.”
“Well this’ll be easy,” declares Kenji.
He leads Miki to his car and puts her in the trunk, getting no resistance from his drug-addled foe.
“I wonder what’s taking Hisao so long,” he asks himself.
Kenji strolls over to the athletic shed, gun in hand.
“OK Kenji, here you go. You break down the door, you catch the bitch, you save the day. You can do this. It works every time with the puppets.”
“3-2-1. HEAVEN OR HELL, LET’S ROCK!” wails Kenji as he kicks the shed’s door open.
“K-Kenji?”
Two voices come from the far corner of the shed. Kenji attempts to focus on the noise, but can only see a mass of naked flesh.
“Shit! Hisao, Look out!” he cries raising his gun.
Bang.
“A-ha! That’s what you get when you cross Kenji Setou. Many feminist harlots have tried to defeat me and many have failed. Once again justice has prevailed and MANkind has prevailed. A wise man once told me…”
“ARGH, Kenji you fucking shot me in my fucking leg! What the fuck were you thinking? Your fucking job was to fucking get Miki while I get Emi and instead you do this! Can you do any-fucking-thing right? I hate you. I fucking hate you.”
“Wow, sorry man. I’ll buy you some of that fancy tea to make up for it. You like tea.”
“I don’t want tea, I want fucking medical help.”
“No you don’t. Real men work through the pain, brother.”
“Hisao, are you OK?”
“No I’m not fucking OK Emi!”
“She’s still here? I thought she’d have had the sense to run away when you said you were meant to get her.”
“I can’t run you insensitive ass! My legs are over there.”
“There’s no need for name calling. If I really wanted to be mean to you then I would, in fact I’m a master of it. I’d use my sharp tongue to tear you apart and you’d just drive home recklessly to cry to your daddy.”
Emi begins to well up. Both men are unaware that Kenji has pushed one of her buttons.
“Oh boy here we go again. A floozy is going to use her tear ducts to try and win Hisao’s heart. NICE TRY! It didn’t work with Blindy McHaggis and it won’t work now. You’re coming with me. Let’s go Hisao.”
Kenji hoists Emi onto his shoulder and motions for Hisao to walk with him, and he does while using Emi’s running legs as makeshift crutches to get from the storage shed to the car.
“In the trunk you go, you bag of useless bag of tears. ‘OH BOO HOO I’M JUST A DUMB FEMINIST THAT CAN’T COPE WITH KENJI’S OVERWHELMING MASCULINITY!’ Lie down next to your pothead friend and shut up.”
Kenji drops a crying Emi onto Miki and slams his trunk shut.
“And that’s the end of that chapter.” Kenji brushes his hands off, throws his scarf over his shoulder and turns to see the reaction of his compadre to his witty one liner.
“That’s from The Simpsons. You took that straight from The Simpsons.”
“Well then, ‘She should’ve kept her mouth shut.’”
“From Russia With Love.”
“Shut up. The answer… is eight.”
“Dragon Ball Z. And that doesn’t even make sense.”
“Can you just drive already?”
 
---------------------------------------------------
 
“Great work guys, 2 more criminals behind bars. How did you catch these girls so quickly, we only put them on our database today?”
“Come on Officer, you know Kenji.” chuckled Hisao.
“Damn right I know him, crazy misogynistic bastard.”
“Gimme my fucking money.” Kenji grabs the dosh from the Officer’s hand and pulls a giggling Hisao out of the door with him. “Feminist ass.” Kenji mumbles under his breath as they walk away.
They get into the car and Kenji reaches for his pocket for a cigarette.
“NO!”
He nudges it back into the pack and tosses the half empty box out of his side window.
“You know once we take out my medical bills, the money we owe Mutou and that tea you owe me, that puts us 125,000 yen in debt.”
“As long as I help my fellow man I don’t care about money.”
“That’s the problem.”
“Don’t care.”
“Are you even listening to me?
“As long as men continue to be abused and bullied by women, I’ll be there. As long as men have to pay for dinner on the first date to save face, I’ll be there. As long as men are being strapped to beds and having their semen stolen and trapped into becoming baby daddies, I’ll be there!”