Oct. 10 ~ after thoughts
You responded to the text I sent you. Turns out you would just sit there alone at night with a knife, just wondering if you should do it. I don't know why you didn't tell me this. I want to help you, through thick and thin. That's what you do for people when you love them. Yet you thought it would hurt me if you told me. To be honest, it hurts more knowing that you didn't want to tell me, that you didn't want my help. I care about you so much.
 
I asked how you are doing now. You replied 'much better'. Was I slowly killing you? Its kinda funny... My life was shitty before you, then got amazing when we were together. Now its worse than before. But for you it was the opposite. You seemed to get worse everyday that we were together. I could see it. But you wouldn't ever want to talk about it. That hurt too. But i'm glad you're doing better. Id rather you be alive and not have you, than dead and not have you.
 
I went to the hospital for my chest and breathing problems. They have no idea what it is, so I'm heading
back on Friday for a follow up.
 
If you ever ask how I'm doing now, about the break up, I don't know how I would answer. Do I tell the truth and tell you I'm a total wreck? Or do I just put on a fake smile and say im doing fine?