>The first thing you noticed was the mirror-sheen indent in the dirt.
>It looked almost as if someone had taken a razor-sharp scoop out of clay, with your body in the center.
>In the early morning twilight, a cool and gentle breeze brushed through the grass and over the stone walls around you, breathing the scent of wet grass and stone almost through you.
>The bushes, and a tree next to you, all had a perfectly smooth bite out of them as well.
>It was a bit too drafty, you thought.
>You looked down to your knees, pressed bare against the earth because of your shorts, but your hands stopped knuckle-deep between the clean-cut tree roots when you follow your legs up.
>You were completely naked in a displacement sphere straight out of Terminator.
>Too bad you didn't have the body to match.
>Not that you didn't work out!
>You did even lift, but your sins against the Church of Iron had left their marks.
>The pudge letter.
>You heard shouts nearby and stood, covering yourself with your hands as best you could, and saw a few small...armored...spear-wielding horses...
>That sneeze must have knocked you out something good.
 
 
>As you mull over the events that led you to your current predicament, you can almost hear the blades at the tips of the spears around you cut the air.
>It would have been less concerning if you had some manner of clothes, but the little armored horses hadn't seen fit you get you anything since they started to escort you.
>You stop in a small office with a large wooden desk, with a presumably important horse behind it.
>She(?) raises and eyebrow and eyes you up and down, but mostly up since she's so smol.
>The ponies heads next to you stood about as high as your bellybutton.
>"Sergeant, what have you brought before me?" she asks in a feminine but gruff voice.
>"Captain," the one next to you, also female, answers, "This creature was apprehended in the gardens in the twilight of dawn. We thought it to be a wild beast, but when it spoke, we reasoned it to be an intruder and brought him here."
>"Him?" the captain rubs her chin with an armored hoof, "If it is indeed an intruder, why is he not in chains? Your station has not made you soft to coltish wiles, has it?"
>"No, Captain. He seems fixated on his own nudity, and thus refuses to remove his hands from betwixt his legs. I have witnessed bipeds run before, on the fields of battle, and am certain he cannot escape without flailing his arms about."
>You really didn't get why they were so nonchalant about your lack of clothes. They were wearing armor!
>Sure, they might be little horses with very sharp spears at their sides, but how could they not understand that you didn't want to be walking around naked?
>"True, true," the captain agrees, "Stallions would rather die than be shamed...Creature, I have never beheld your kind. State your name."
>You are brought out of your musings by her question.
"Oh, uh, Anonymous...Captain," you bow at the waist, careful not to let peeking horses get another eyeful of your boys.
>She raises her eyebrow even further, somehow. "Bowing is not necessary, colt. What manner of creature are you? You lack the fur of blessed creatures, the horns of a minotaur, and not a claw or horn adorns you."
>"I can assure you he does indeed have a horn," the sergeant speaks up with a smirk, "but nopony needs to fear this one."
>Did...did she just make a dick joke? You're not exactly HorseDick.Com, but you knew for a fact that you're at least one standard deviation above average. You checked!
>"Cool yourself, Sergeant," the captain scolds, "he is outside the dungeon yet."
>Wait, what? What's in the dungeon?
>"Answer me, colt."
"A h-human, Captain. Species name Homo Sapiens, from planet Earth, Milky Way galaxy, universe C-137--"
>"Cease your babbling, stallion. Why were you in the Gardens of the Most Radient? Who sent you?"
"I-I don't know, Captain. The last thing I remember before showing up here was leaving my house and..."
>You realize just how ridiculous this sounds, even in a dream.
>"Well? Speak!"
"I left my house and...and sneezed. Then I was here. I don't know what happened."
>Who knew being interrogated while naked could make you so forthcoming?
>The captain narrows her eyes at you, and the horn on her helmet glows blue for a second. A field of blue then surrounds you for a moment. It smells kind of like ozone.
>"You reek of powerful magic, hyu-man. Somepony sent you here. Answer me truthfully, or..."
>Her face hardens, almost as if to intimidate you, but all it does is make her somehow more kawaii.
>She reaches over to a rack full of swords, spears, and bits of armor and retrieves a ring, holding it up in her widdle hoof.
>"We will be forced to affix this nullification ring upon you. Do you know what this does?"
>You just shake your head.
>"This ring will draw out your thauma and tighten with each passing second, until your magic expires. I have been told the experience is excruciating, blotting out even the most fleeting of thoughts beyond the pain. It saddens me to do this to a stallion, but we must have the truth. Do you understand?"
>You nod your head.
>You were telling the truth before, and you're pretty sure you don't have any magic to speak of, otherwise you would have already been aware.
>If you did, this dream would have taken a decidedly more exciting turn by now, so it shouldn't hurt at all.
>If it does, the pain should wake you, right?
>Win-win.
>"Good. Now tell me, who sent you?"
"I don't know what happened. No one sent me, I just...appeared."
>The captain makes a motion with her hoof and one of the guards steps forward to take the ring.
>"You have quite the teats, for a stallion. Are you certain you do not wish to recant your story?
"It's the truth!"
>"Then present a finger, hyu-man," the guard orders, and her smirk seems to widen, "you only require one hand for both of these tasks."
>You just ignore the dick joke and comply without hesitation, taking only a moment to adjust so you get all of yourself in one hand.
>The sergeant shoots a look at the captain, who glances between the two of you silently before she nods.
>As soon as the ring slides on the finger, the guards all step away from you, no doubt waiting for you to start thrashing around or something.
>Instead, you just look at the jeweled silver band on your finger and wait.
>It flashes once, but nothing really happens.
>"Captain, I think he is without magic," the guard that put it on speaks first.
>She somehow slips it off your finger with a hoof. How did she even grip it with a hoof? You even watched her do it and you're still stumped.
>"Our duty is all the easier, then. I am surprised you called my bluff with the ring. Perhaps stallions of your kind have a sterner constitution. I quite expected you to begin begging, but a night in a cell may change your mind."
>Oh, great. You were really banking on the ring waking you up, but it looks like that plan is bust.
>It's been a while since you've had one of those really long dreams.
>Maybe you were out drinking?
>Coffee and alcohol usually gave you dreams like this. You'll just have to wait it out.
"Could I at least get something to cover me up?" you ask.
>"No," the captain shakes her head, "I will not have you tempting my guards further by dressing up like some tramp on the street to secure an escape through seduction. You are a long way from home, hyu-man, you should consider adopting a more conservative attitude. When in Roam, and all that. I will accompany your escort to your cell, Sergeant Pauldron."
>How in the world is dressing up somehow less conservative than walking around in the nude?
>Sergeant Pauldron sighs and walks to door. They open behind you and two maids scrabble over the smooth stone floor to get out of the way and look inconspicuous. >The guards don't even seem to notice the obvious and nudge you to the right down another long hall, with the captain leading the way.
>"Already asking for clothing?" the one on the right asks in a whisper, "perhaps you might have been summoned by a lonely mare in the castle."
>"Worry not, hyu-man,' the one on the other side adds, "I am sure we can find something accommodating to...everypony's tastes."
 
 
>"Captain Pauldron!" a decidedly more manly voice calls out from behind you.
>You turn to look at see another small horse galloping through the halls toward you.
>The snout on this one is more square, and the eyes lack the all-too-obvious eyelashes.
>A male?
>He's covered in robes, with a swept salt and pepper hairdo and a tail to match, covered in light brown fur.
>He trots up alongside her all a-tizzy.
>"Ah, good evening, Sword Rack."
>>"Do not attempt such...familiarity with me while you secret some poor stallion to the dungeon, Captain. I know what you are plotting, do not mistake me for some common housecolt!"
>"Forgive me, Patron," the captain sighs, "What matter did you wish to discuss with me?"
>>"Oh, perhaps the matter trotting along between three of your ruffian mares? The one you presume to lock up in a cold cell, at the mercy of your whims, or their unbound lusts?"
>If you had been surrounded by human women in armor, that wouldn't sound like such a bad thing. Too bad they're little horses.
>"You presume too much, Patron. We are escorting a recalcitrant intruder to a cell to loosen his tongue."
>>"Ah, to loosen your lips, and the lips of every mare underneath you, while he is forced to sleep on a cold stone floor to recover? The scandal! Everypony in the castle will know by morning, if the noise doesn't carry through the halls first!"
>You're glad none of them are looking at you, otherwise they might notice your blush.
>Something like that would have only garnered a smile back home, but...you're still naked.
>"I assure you, a cold stone floor will be all he is forced to suffer."
>>"I know of the 'interrogation techniques,' your mares use. I will not allow such poor treatment of a stallion beneath these hallowed halls, especially not one who is lost, alone, and scared!"
>"How did you...What do you know of him? If you have any information about his origins, it would remove quite the burden from my back."
>>"I have eyes and ears everywhere, Captain, surely you would be aware of this by now. As for him, I haven't the slightest, but never let it be said that Patron Rack let this scandal pass beneath his muzzle!"
>"You lack the proper authority to interfere in this matter, Patron."
>>"Do I? I seem to remember several whispered requests uttered into my ear in passing, something about luxuries benefiting a mares station?"
>He brought a hoof up to his ear and continued walking, somehow,
>>"I might just be going a little deaf, I think. My mind is fleeting in my old age, I do hope I remember everything correctly."
>The guards on either side of you gasped, and the captain stopped to let out a sigh, lowering her head in defeat.
>It echoed through the hallway, dark and silent in the wee hours of the morning.
>Whoever this guy was, he obviously had some sort of connections.
>Money? Information broker?
>He kinda reminded you of Littlefinger
>Just, you know, without the creepy pedo vibe.
>"Patron Rack," the captain sounded just as defeated as she looked, "I know what you ask, but I would be remiss in my duties to Her Royal Highness if I allowed you to take him. What will she think when she hears about this?"
>>"She will reflect upon what a good choice she made in Captain of the Royal Guard, who recognized a stallion in need, and did not shirk from her marely duty to aid him in whatever way she could."
>"Those words would never leave my mouth in front of Her Highness."
>>"But they will leave mine, and you know my powers of persuasion."
>He put a hoof on her shoulder.
>>"Please, Captain, make the right choice. I have full faith in your guards to stop a single stallion loose in the halls of the castle. Where would he go? What defense does he have without any magic of his own?"
>She stared at the floor for a few moments in silence.
>You noticed that she leaned somewhat into his hoof as she thought.
>"You have convinced me, Patron. Take the stallion with you."
>>"Thank you, Captain. And please, just Sword Rack."
>"As you wish, Sword Rack. You, hyu-man," she turned back to glare at you, "behave yourself while in the Patron's care. Should you attempt to flee, the guards will be quite less gentle in caring for you. Do you understand?"
>You think this guy just saved you from a night in a horse sex dungeon, so whatever he says goes. You nod your head.
>"Speak, hyu-man."
"Yes, Captain. I'll do as he says."
>"So be it. Guards, let him pass."
>They leave your side and walk forward to join her, while Sword Rack walked back to you and looked you up and down.
>You don't really like how he looks at you; it's almost as if every physical flaw, every mark, or every bit of fat you were too lazy to cardio away is laid bare before him.
>Well, even more bare.
>You never competed, but you think this is what it might be like.
>>"Follow me, my poor, poor stallion. Let us find you something to wear and get you out of these dreadful halls."
 
===
 
>You follow the robed horse down the grey stone halls.
>Out the windows you could see other portions of the castle illuminated by moonlight, the light of the sun just barely warming the sky.
>You stop for a moment to take it all in.
>Bereft of artificial light, the night sky was vivid.
>Stars shone like beacons in the void, and swirls of the milky way were easily visible streaking throughout it.
>Then, the moon plummeted behind the horizon and the sun shot up past it.
"Oh, shit!" you stumbled backwards in the hall, almost losing your balance at the shock.
>If that didn't prove you were dreaming, you don't know what would.
>The only question you have is how long this was going to last, and how you might prevent it from turning it into a nightmare.
>"By the Sun, mind your tongue!" Sword Rack whisper-yelled at you, a hoof on a door, >"Your situation is precarious enough as it is, and it would not do for your first impression in the castle to be the talk of scuttling gossip!"
"O-oh, sorry."
>He opens the door and leads you into a larger room.
>Inside is much more opulently decorated, with warm wood paneling, a large oak table, hanging drapes without windows to cover, and art strewn about the walls and on little stands.
>A few large cushions surround the table where your guide sits.
>"Please wait a moment, I will fetch you something to wear. Try not to touch anything."
>He disappears down a hall and you just stand there, looking around.
>The whole castle still seemed very quiet, letting you inspect the small horse sculptures and paintings around the room.
>Here and there were different kinds of horses, some with wings, some with a horn, some with without either, and one with both.
>She wore a crown and had long flowing hair and eyelashes, so you supposed she was their queen or something.
>Although, looking closer at some of the sculptures, they were...unarguably male.
>Sword rack came back with several kinds of clothes on his back and spread them on the table.
>"I took a little something from several different styles. I know they are not in fashion these days, but please wear any you choose. I am afraid they may not be of proper fit, but they should be large enough for you."
>You really have no idea how any of these things are supposed to be worn, and some are little more than just bits of cloth held together by strings like some alien bikini.
>You grab the largest rectangular piece and move to tie it around your waist.
>"Ah, the cape. Excellent...choice...Excuse me, but have you ever worn a cape before?"
>Cape?
>You were going to use this like a towel.
>If you put it around your shoulder it wouldn't even go past your waist.
"Sorry, this is the only thing here that might fit me. I, uh, don't know how to wear any of that other stuff."
>"I...see..." He narrows his eyes and stares at you for a moment, then motions a hoof to one of the cushions. "Please sit, we have much to discuss."
>You fold up on one of the cushions, catching the little horse getting peek at your dangly bits.
>"Now for a proper introduction," he starts, sounding a little more official
>"My name is Patron Sword Rack, I oversee the welfare of all the stallions within the Royal Harems, and any stallions that may find themselves without a mare to guide them on castle grounds. I'm sure you have many questions, but let us start simply. Who, and what, are you?"
>Wait, what?
>Royal Harems?
>You look around the room again and things click into place.
>This looked like the inside of one of those brothels you've seen on shows like Marco Polo and Game of Thrones.
>You really hope that--nope, no bad thoughts, don't want to give your subconscious any ideas.
"Anonymous, and I'm a human. What is this place?"
>"So I have been told. These are the quarters of the Royal Concubines, in the Castle of the Two Sisters, who rule over Equestria. Worry not, no mare may enters these rooms, save the Princesses themselves. They trust me well enough to leave me be. I have always believed comfort loosens tongues much easier than intimidation, so you may feel safe to reveal any of the information you withheld from those gruff guardsmares. From where do you hail, Anonymous?"
>He seems agreeable enough.
>It definitely helped your mood that you weren't surrounded by blades and horses that wanted to get into your non-existent pants.
>Maybe this guy really could help you--if this was the world you were stuck in until you woke up, you might as well make the best of it.
>Yeah.
>There wasn't any reason you couldn't make this dream at least a little interesting. >Just gotta avoid 'death by horse snu-snu.'
"The United States of America, Planet Earth, Milky Way galaxy."
>"You told the captain that you were from a specific universe. Do you care to explain?"
"Well...it came from the idea that there are different universes out there, and so we named ours C-137. It's a...joke from a show."
>He taps his hoof against his chin. "Interesting. Considering your method of arrival, and that fact that I have never heard of your home, it may just be true. We will have to ask the archmage about that later. Now, how did you wind up in the Gardens of the Most Radiant?"
"I honestly don't know. The last thing I remember before showing up there was walking to class and...sneezing really hard. Then I was here."
>"Did somepony summon you here? The guards said you had magic about you before they put on that silly little ring."
"Nope, no wizards, witches, or warlocks around to banish me or anything like that. I don't believe in magic anyway, or at least I didn't used to...Wait, would that thing really have tightened until it took off a finger?"
>"By the Sun, no. You have quite the spine to have acquiesced so easily to the ring; most stallions break into tears in the face of such barbaric threats. What do you mean you 'don't believe in magic'? Do you deny the sun exists as well?"
"Well, we...we uh, don't have any magic back home. It just exists in stories, it's not real."
>"You must be very far from home indeed if you think magic is the work of fiction. You will soon disabuse yourself of this notion if you spend any time here.
>"Did you have a mare back home? If we consult the scholars, we may find a way to return you to her or at least send her a letter."
"A mare?"
>"Ah, sorry. A female mate. I sometimes forget that the other species have different names for their own kinds."
"No, no wife or girlfriend back home."
>"No? What about a mistress?"
>You stare at him for a moment, but when he doesn't look like he's joking, you just shake your head.
>"Were you...were you forced to work the fields, or take up manual labor to support yourself?"
"Uh, no field work. I'm actually a student, and I work part-time restocking shelves in a warehouse. Keeps me fit and stuff."
>He moves a hoof over yours and...you feel him grip it somehow without fingers.
>You think he's trying to be comforting, but you slide your hand off the table nonetheless.
>He gets a sad look on his face when you do.
>"You poor, poor stallion," he puts a hoof against chest, and another over his forehead,
>"Lost, so very far away from home, all alone without a mare to care for you, at the mercy of those lustful guardsmares. I was right after all; Faust above knows what they might have done to you."
>The door to the room opens and four ponies stumble through, each wearing some form of flowing clothes.
>The smell of a locker room follows them, and they all look disheveled.
>You notice that one has a horn, one has wings, and two have nothing.
>"Good morning my dear stallions," Sword greets, "how was your morning?"
>They stop when they finally notice you, staring for a moment. One of the plain ponies speaks first.
>>"Typical. Please inform the Princess I may need a few days rest, she may have wrung me dry."
>Ew.
>"I'll see to it you are well-rested before your next appearance. I see you have noticed our guest," Sword motions to you
>"This is Anonymous, a lost stallion from a...very faraway land. The guardsmares found him in the garden this morning, and were about to drag him off to one of their closest cells, no doubt, before I came to his rescue."
>They gasp at his recount, and one of them brings his stinky horse smell over to you and lays a hoof on your shoulder.
>Luckily it isn't sticky or anything.
>>"You poor colt," he whimpers, "I know what those mares wanted to do to you. Patron Rack will take care of you."
>The others behind you murmur in agreement before continuing their walk of shame back to their quarters.
>"Oh, Long Spear?" Rack asks, "Could you stay a moment?"
>The pink unicorn with a blue mane breaks from the group and walks over.
>What is it with these names?
>They seem...a little too fitting for a concubine.
>Almost like stripper names.
>>"Yes Patron?"
>"Our guest is from a land so far away he thinks magic belongs only in stories. Could you be a dear and take these clothes back to their closet?"
>The pink one gives you an odd look for a moment, then smiles.
>>"Of course, Patron."
>Long Spear stares at you while his horn starts to glow, a waving field of blue springing up around it, then the clothes on the table.
>You flinch back a bit when they float up into the air.
>You nearly fall back trying to keep an eye on them as they go up and over your head and down the hall.
>You look back at Rack and Spear.
>They both look have shit-eating grins nearly touching their ears.
"Okay, okay," you hold your hands up in defeat, "I believe in magic. Just so long as you don't lightning-bolt me or turn me into a newt I can deal with it. This is...just a lot to take in."
>Now that you think about it, it should have made sense that unicorns could use magic.
>Just try and make sense of this before the dream goes off the rails.
>"Transformation magic has been outlawed for over a decade, Anonymous, and so long as you behave yourself you needn't fear lightning bolts. The Princess will certainly be summoning you before her this morning so let us take time to prepare you for--"
>A knock at the door interrupts him and he stands to open it.
>>"Patron Rack," a stallion with a bow tie greets him with a bow, "The Princess requires your presence in the throne room with your guest."
>"Thank you. We will leave immediately," Sword Rack responds and looks at you with a searching face while he closes the door.
>"No time for freshening up, but a disheveled appearance could be advantageous. Do you have royalty back home?"
"Some places, but not in my country."
>"Fine, I will explain en route. Firstly, secure that cloth about your waist. It would not do to have any clothing you choose to wear depart from your body in the face of the Princess."
>You do as he asks before following him out the door.
>Luckily everything in the castle was large enough for you to not worry about hitting your head on the top of the frames, but it just served to make the little ponies that much more adorable and tiny.
>Sword continued to speak as his robes fluttered through the hallways.
>"You will speak only when spoken to, you will address the Princess as Your Highness, Your Royal Highness, Your Grace, or Princess Celestia, but please keep to the first three titles.
>"You will bow, well, however your kind bows, when we approach the throne and before we depart. We depart at her leisure, and if she requests anything of you, answer in the affirmative with 'if it will please your highness,' unless you find it completely impossible."
>The two of you stop near a large pair of golden double doors, flanked by four guards with an assortment of spear and swords that seemed to tense a bit as you approached.
>The golden frame sat open, and inside you could hear some quiet talking.
>Opposite the door was a large stone stairwell leading down into a lobby of some kind, and the windows were filled with all sorts of stained-glass art.
>They all seemed to feature a white pony with wings and a horn.
>A smaller pony with a monocle walked quietly out of what you presumed to be the throne room and whispered to the robed one in front of you. Sword turned back to you after a moment.
>"The Princess will see us now. Remember what I said before."
>You nodded, and the two of you strode in while some pony inside shouted at the top of her lungs announcing your presence, calling you an intruder.
>You stopped paying attention to what she was shouting when you took in the sight of the huge room.
>At the back stood a huge stone platform with two sets of stairs, leading up to two thrones.
>On the left, a blue blue stone seat with a large blue tapestry featuring a crescent moon and stars, and on the right, a golden stone seat with a larger gold tapestry emblazoned with the sun above clouds and flowing fields.
>Seated on the golden throne was a huge white pony.
>The gold around her neck, head, and horn was almost blindingly bright in the sun, and her pastel multi-colored hair flowed in an invisible wind.
>She turned slightly, and you could see the gold piece at the end of her horn wasn't actually attached, but floated just beyond the tip, covered in a bright yellow aura that matched the one around the long spire jutting out of her head.
>Ponies filled the sides of the room, smiles or serious looks on their faces, but most of them changed as they saw you.
>Some gasped and brought a hoof to their mouths, while others openly sneered and looked away.
>In fact, the only ponies that didn't seem to have some extreme expression was the Princess and the captain from the night before standing at the base of the steps
>Luckily for you, Sword Rack cleared his throat and nudged your leg before you walked past him like an idiot.
>You stopped staring and looked at him, then tried to hide backing up a step to be in line with him.
>"Patron Rack," the Princess begins with a smile, "Thy presence at Our court pleases Us greatly."
>Whoa, her voice...it was kind of hard to describe, but you could listen to it for hours.
>Rack nudges you again and he bows.
>You've never actually bowed in your life since you weren't no larper, so you figured that you might as well do what they did in movies and TV.
>How did they do it in game of thrones?
>You weren't very sure, but you were certain that if you did the whole knight thing and got on one knee your dangley-bits would poke out the bottom of your little skirt
>kilt
>your kilt, and you didn't want your first impression in court to cause some sort of scandal or something.
>They seemed to have weird rules about clothes.
>You brought a fist up over the left side of your chest and bowed deeply at the waist, hoping it would be enough.
>"Good morning, Princess Celestia," Rack stands back up, nudging you again to do the same, "The pleasure is all mine."
>>"We see thou hast brought before Us a stranger, and Our Captain informs Us the stallion in thine care arrived as a thief in the night."
>"Yes, Princess. The stallion at my side was found in your garden before the sunrise this morning by your guardsmares. He was unarmed and lost, so I took him from their care into my own, as is befitting of any stallion unfamiliar to the castle, and without a mare to care for him. I suspect he was another unfortunate victim of a summoning spell, perhaps cast in error to have gone so long without results."
>>"An intriguing theory. Doth mine Patron speak the truth, Anonymous the Human? Wert thou summoned to Our garden without thine consent?"
>She looks at you now.
>Those huge purple eyes feel like they stare into your very soul, and you can't help but flinch back and look at the floor to avoid them.
"Ye-I mean, Your Highness, yes I was found in the gardens, but I don't know how I got there. One minute I was leaving my house and the next I was...there, Your Highness."
>>"Patron, you fool!" A pony from the side shouts in a sophisticated-sounding voice.
>You look over and see a winged grey pony with blonde hair, pulled back with a giant pink bow sticking out the back and some falling around the sides of her face, pointing a hoof at the guy.
>>"You brought a possible assassin into the center of the Princess' throne room, a few lengths from her very heart! Are you so resentful of your retirement that you would endanger her life?"
>The ponies in the room start whispering to each other at the insult.
>You almost speak up to defend yourself, but the little pony next to you beats you to the punch.
>"Ah, Lady Bubbles," Sword retorts with a sneer
>"Still rooting around the throne room for truffles, I see. Does the possibility exist within that thick skull of yours that a lost stallion, of all things, could threaten the Most Radiant in her own castle when he doubts the very existence of magic itself? I should hope to meet in war an enemy so irrational."
>That one got a reaction out of the audience, with a few sensible chuckles heard.
>>"Your...excessive duties have rattled your mind into madness, Patron, if you believed such an absurd claim!"
>"Ah, indeed you have enlightened me, Lady Bubbles. This poor, lost stallion, without magic in his soul or a mare in his heart, cowed me with his terrible form into cooperation! Why, his bipedal gait might topple upon me at any moment, and beset me with the tiny, soft, round appendages at the end of his limbs until I suffocated from guffaws and giggles! Captain, please fetch a legion of your finest guardsmares to protect this court from the tickling menace before you!"
>You don't know if you should laugh or feel insulted, but the rest of the ponies here agree on the first one.
>Hey, you could be dangerous!
>Probably...
>Maybe not against magic, but still!
>>"Of course you of all ponies would use such vulgar--"
>"Be silent, ponies," Celestia says calmly.
>The whole room shuts up instantly.
>"We hath put great trust in Patron Rack before, and We know his stallionly instincts in the judgement of character amongst the greatest in Our court."
>She looks at him with a smile, "If thou doth declare thine guest harmless, then thou art believed."
>Now she looks at you, and you still can't meet her eyes.
>She's just a horse, man.
>Harden the fuck up, mate!
>...nope, still can't meet the gaze of the Pony God-Empress.
>She really looks the part with all that gold, and the wafting magic coming out of her horn, and the wings.
>"Anonymous the Human, what intention dost thou serve in thine presence here?"
"N-Your Highness, none. I would very much like to return home, if that's, I mean, if it pleases you."
>Damn, now they got you speaking like that too.
>"Very well. Let nopony speak ill of Our kindness to lost stallions. We shalt return thee to thine own place, and send thee with Our best wishes. Perhaps, in the future, We might meet thee again in better circumstances."
>Welp, looks like this dream might finally be ending.
>Probably shouldn't tell anyone about this, though.
>You'd be called a faggot until the day you died if you ever spoke about technicolored talking magic horsies in your dreams.
>Just make something up about...dragons or vidya or something.
"Your Highness, thank you for your help, I will be eternally grateful."
>Sword Rack steps away from you and the Princess' horn glows bright.
>Nothing seems to happen.
>>"Princess?" Sword asks.
>"Thou didst not jest when thou attested to the distance of thine guest's home."
>She narrows her eyes and her horn glows even brighter.
>After a second or two a layer of flowing magic appears around you.
>It feels kinda tingly, and smells like...vanilla ozone, you think.
>Weird.
>"Farewell, Anonymous the Human."
"Farewell, Princess Celestia," you reply, just before the magic wrap around you flashes, and the world disappears.
 
>A second later the world returns, and you feel dirt under your hands and feet.
>Yes!
>It worked!
>Your vision is kinda blurry, and you still feel drafty, but it definitely smells different here.
>Maybe you stumbled naked out onto the front lawn while blacked out?
>[spoiler]It wouldn't be the first time. For shame.[/spoiler]
>"Hay!" A female voice shouts near you.
>Yeah, that was probably one of the neighbors again.
>You feel too good to be home and in the right reality to care much, though.
>You could explain this away later.
>You rub the back of your head with one hand and rub the blurriness out of your eyes with the back of your wrist and stand, opening your eyes once it goes away.
>You're standing in the hole in the gardens again, and a mare with a shovel in her mouth is responsible for the loose dirt around your feet.
>Shit.
"Shit!"