>My buddy and I sat in our dorm room, a spartan one bunk, two desks, and combined closet room.
>on our combined desks we had spread out the Ouija board.
>We were both grinning like idiots as our hands moved the little magnifying glass orb over the letters.
>"Fuck, dude. What do we ask it first?" He asked me lighting a joint.
"Shit. What's the answer to our midterms?"
>We watched in mute astonishment as the orb moved.
>R.T.F.T.B.
"RTFTB? What the fuck does that even mean?"
>"Hehe, I think it means 'read the fucking textbook.'"
"Laaame." I said swigging from my cheap beer for the evening. "What can we do to be truly happy with our selves and lives?"
>We waited for a while, us both stone still waiting for something to happen.
>And it did. B. E. A.T
"Okay Beat..."
>U.P.
>"Up! IT said up! Beat up!"
>M.A.T.I.N.G.
"Uh....Mating? Beat up Mating?" We both paused "I think that's an English professor. The Ouija wants us to beat up a professor for us to be hap-"
>S.N.A.K.E.S.
>"Dude be patient. It says 'Beat up mating snakes.' My friend said checking his phone. "It's only 5, dude, we could totally get down to the pet store and buy some snakes. I know the dude working there and he'd totally cut us a sweet deal."
"I dunno man, beating up snakes who just want to get wiggly seems a bit too far for me."
>P.U.S.S.Y.
>"Ha! dude even the board is calling you out!"
---
>The mighty oracle tiresias was bored and had been for centuries. It felt like it had been eons since even Odysseus had asked his spirit for advice.
>However this night was different. He could feel his spirit being pulled away from the underworlds to some new world continent.
>Buildings whizzed by him, and he spotted it, a college.
>Even today places of higher learning had a different air to them.
>These places could produce the sharpest minds and the most questioning souls. Truly a magnificent and awe-inspiring thing.
>It made him wish he were -
>"Fuck, dude. What do we ask it first?"
>Hades Damn it.
 
 
 
>After our Ouija session we both bundled up and hopped in my friend's dilapidated car.
>It took a while to get the engine to actually turn over, but when it finally got going, it got GOING.
>We were on our way to the sleepy college town's only pet store.
>We were blazed and ready to hit some scaley pets for fun and life betterment.
>Sure there are probably some laws against it, but shit. Our ghost board told us to.
>the door opened with a jingly bell. We quickly walked to the nearest snake cages.
>"Welcome to the pet-palace. I'm working minimum wage and accruing maximum debt. How can I help you today." The guy behind the counter said as enthusiastic as the caged animals.
>"Bro, we need snakes. Like at least four snakes. Two dude snakes, and two lady snakes."
>"Alright I assume you both have been through the proper pet parent preparedness classes and know that you need to keep the boys and girls separate right?" He added wiping down the glass counter.
"Yeah sure whatever, we're cool as cukes. We demand the reptiles."
>The guy just sighed. "That'll be $120, and can I interest you guys in two large glass tanks?"
"Nah." We said in unison before taking our reptiles out to the vehicle.
---
>Tiresias just stared down at us dumbfounded as we left the pet store.
>Unable to believe that we were that quick to do this.
>Athena, Hades, Zeus, Poseidon, Asclepius, Anyone. Smite these idiots before they follow through with this.
>He just watched the pair throw the poor serpents in the back seat of their carriage and race off away from the store.
>It was going to end badly for all involved but at least this time he knew he wouldn't be the one spending seven years as a woman.
>Let the idiots take care of idiots. Sparta burned for Spartan crimes.
---
>We busted down the door to our dorm for two reasons.
>We wanted to improve our lives, and also because the RA totally had a hateboner for snakes.
>We knew that we had a totally awesome idea.
 
 
 
>we unceremoniously dumped the cold-blooded animals onto the only rug in the room.
"alright uglies, get to bumpin'."
>We sat and watched in anticipation. We were gonna club some snakes.
>Probably invent the next Facebook or some shit and be millionaires.
>We watched for maybe five minutes before getting distracted.
>My friend got on his computer and booted up a game and I broke out my classical Greek literature textbook.
>"Dude Cassiopea is a fuckin' Naga Hottie."
"Ew dude, your fur is showing. Yiff in hell."
>"What, she'd have all the good bits in flesh."
"Whatever you furry bastard," I said idly flipping through the pages. "Hey, you ever read about the fucked up shit the Greeks did? I mean. Minotaurs, Centaurs, and other 'taurs. I'm pretty sure Greeks were the OG Furry fandom."
>My friend just nodded and fed like a noob.
"Shit dude, did you keep an eye on the snakes?"
---
>Tiresias was mildly entertained. These bumbling fools had been the best thing to happen to him in over a thousand years.
>They spoke so crassly and had the collective brain of a slop bucket that had never seen a butcher's shop.
>However Tiresias hated snakes. Writhing scaley nasties.
>He remembered the seven years he spent as a woman.
>He shuddered as he watched one of the pairs of snakes start showing interest in each other.
"Dude, I think it's working!" one of them said staring down at the snakes as they got closer to each other. "Surrender at 20, quit feeding and beat some snakes."
>"Generally I beat my snake after you're asleep dude. hearing you be so enthusiastic about it is kind of creepy."
>The first one that spoke just stared at the other. Their new phrases were lost on Tiresias as he watched.
>The snakes coiled and began. It was time.
>The two got into position and before long they both and struck the snakes dead with swift blows.
>Tiresias felt bad about this advice. He was gifted with sight by Athena herself, and he knew that the outcome of the following events was bad.
 
 
>We found the other pair under our bunk, and just like the first pair these snakes fell under swift blows.
---
>Tiresias had never been one to be queasy.
>He was then. If spirits could heave he would’ve blown bits of lamb and wine all over that dorm floor.
>Sweet Hestia, There was snake blood everywhere.
---
>THE FOOLS.
>MORTALS NEVER LEARN.
>AND THE MEDDLESOME TIRESIAS.
>HERA SHALL PAY A PUNISHMENT BEFITTING ALL OF THEM.
---
>”Dude, did we have to hit them that hard?”
“Fuck if I know, but it’s done. We did it. When does the life changing start?”
>We both glanced around nervously.
>”NOW.” A booming feminine voice responded rattling the old 80’s windows in our dormroom.
>A young woman appeared before us in a traditional ancient greco-styled toga, her dark hair done up as a crown around her head.
>”wh-dude. We got us a LADY! AWESOME.”
“Uh, I don’t man she seems. Fierce.”
>”YOU ARE CORRECT. I AM HERA, WIFE OF ZEUS, AND YOU ALL HAVE COMMITTED CRIMES AGAINST NATURE ITSELF.”
---
>Tiresias would have been sweating bullets if ghosts could sweat.
>She had specifically said ‘all’. Not both. She knew.
>He willed himself back to the afterlife. The underworld, Tartarus. Anywhere but in the same room as Hera the Terror.
>Suddenly he wasn’t a spirit, he had flesh and blood. He was...alive.
 
 
 
>”Fickle Tiresias. For your crimes of misleading these young mortals you shall share in their fate. You three shall spend the rest of your mortal lives in a form incapable of such violence.” Hera said producing a golden distaff.
>”Bruuuuuh. I’m high as balls. Cause there’s now a roman dude. Chillin’ with us and our new lady.”
“Uh, dude. Are you even listening? We’re getting fucked up.”
>”Nah dude. The board -”
>”I was the board, I’m Tiresias the Seer. The soul that guided Odysseus home. The Augur of Athens, and the true oracle of the mountain! The woman is Hera, Goddess of Olympus and if you had half of a daktylos of sense you’d understand that this is VERY bad.”
>Before we could speak more, Hera extended the distaff and struck Tiresias on the shoulder. “Take your Punishment.” And he collapsed into a heap.
>My friend just laughed. “Kiiinkay!” He hooped just before Hera whipped the distaff around to hit him in the face.
>“Same for you.” she said and he just dropped to the floor unconscious.
>I stood. I was buzzed, covered in snake blood and I had one chance to try and prevent and unfortunate fate. “Zeus is fucking Aphrodite right now on Olympus!” I screamed covering my face.
>Hera just laughed at this. “I admire your warrior’s spirit and the fire that you hold. You remind me of my son Hephaestus. However you must learn.” She said as I felt the holy sting of her spinning staff tap me lightly on the shoulder.
---
>”WAKE UP F~~UNBAG.” A childlike voice screamed at me as I woke up.
I tried to rub the sleep from my eyes and only accomplished smashing a round furry thing into my face. “Whaaaa” I responded blearily. “The Feather?”
>”It appears that my visions weren’t prepared for this.” Another voice said. “We have truly been brought low before the might of Olympus.”
 
>“Ha get a load of this Featherbrain. This Fruit is probably tripping balls right now! Hey I can say balls!”
>I scanned the room and caught sight of them two different sized ponies. They were right. The ride never ends and now it truly never will.
>My friend was busy repeating balls and giggling every now and then, their mane was a disheveled light blue and their coat was a sapphire. My friend sported a pair of wings that bounced erratically as my friend hopped around.
>I can only assume the other was Tiresias, and she(?) stood there with a light orange coat and dark brown mane. Her eyes were a deep green, but obviously not blind. A spiraling horn jutted from her head.
>I looked at myself and confirmed the worst. I too was a little pony. My coat was a lilac, with an almost blue gunmetal mane
“Okay this is Horsefeathers.” I said before sighing. “A profanity filter? Fan-feathering-tastic. Oh god dammed up river.”
>”Dude I tried them all, the 98 words we don’t say. It’s some Rumbledy-Hump shenanigans.” My friend said the wings on her back still going ballistic. “Stupid wings won’t cooperate.”
>”I fear that this is part of the punishment. Hera knows that well placed words can cut just as deep as a honed spear. I also can ascertain that we are in fact females.” Tiresias said
>I opened my mouth to say something just as a knock was heard at our door. “R.A. We heard that there was a fight going on. Also, this building is strictly not Co-Ed unless visitors are signed up during normal business hours.”
“MotherFuzzer.” I looked around. “Tiresias! What do your Horse-eyes see?”
>”We’re in the same room, we see the same objects just from different angles. I am a deal taller than both of you. I believe you are fillies.” She paused. “I take stock in a bed, two desks -”
>”OUT THE FLUFFING WINDOW JACKASPENS!”