26.07.07
Dear Diary,
I woke up.
It wasn’t a dream.
He was in my bed.
We actually had sex.
FUCK.
Well, I got dressed and cleaned his shit up. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose. Then I went to go make us some breakfast. I didn’t have anything fancy to eat, just some microwavable crap. I can’t talk to him.
Not during breakfast
Not heading to class
Not in class
Not at all. He wants to talk, but I ran away. This has gone too far. I told myself I wasn’t going to have sex with him, and yet I did. This was supposed to be a trap. I was going to break his heart by Tanabata but I lost track of time. And now we’ve had sex. I’m in knots beside myself. Either way I look at it, I’ve gone too far. I was going to ruin his life. It’s over. Whatever I was before this year, I’ve died. Smothered and brutalized in my bed. Fell for him. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.  But I have to do something. It’s now or never, and never is not an option.
 
ADDENDUM:
So this is why I’ve made the decision I had to. He called me to the park and I showed up. I will never forget what we said.
I thought you might eventually go away if I was only someone you needed to protect.
I thought that if I let you do that you might see me as someone more than that.
I knew you couldn’t look at me that way.
All I ever was to you was a useless person. Just someone to protect. Someone like a child.
I wanted to be more to you than that, but after so long, I got used to it.
After I came out of my room, I saw that you had started drifting away.
I tried, but I couldn’t make myself think that way again…as a person.
I broke down crying. He thought I was rejecting him.
I wasn’t rejecting him.
Not then.
“So Hisao…I have to tell you…I hated you. I wanted to break you. Take you down and make you as miserable as I am. To ruin you. And you still stayed by my side. Me, a useless person who wanted to spite you…”
Then he told me he loved me in the middle of my triumphant collapse.
“And…that’s what makes this harder, Hisao. I love you, too. And I always wanted someone to love me. But I can never love you. Not honestly. After what I wanted to do to you. I was going to humiliate you at Tanabata. Make you a laughingstock. The guilt of that plan…the remorse. It all weighs on me. I can never forgive myself for this. So we can never be together, Hisao, though you’ve spoilt all other men to me. They can never compare to you. I love you, and so, I have to let you go. Goodbye, Hisao. Try as I might, I will never forget you.”
I stood up and brushed off the dirt. He stayed collapsed on the ground. A goodbye kiss, and I went to take the bus at Yamaku when he grabbed my hand. He looked up, eyes drowning in tears. He told me he doesn't care about what I was, what I thought. That he loves me for who I am anyway. And that he wants to love me until the day he dies. He wants to make it work between us. Me...I'm worth hurting for?
I'm not special...but he thinks I am. EVEN when I said we couldn't, he believes we can. He believes in me, even when I don't believe in me.
All I could do then was turn and face him. Face him with all of my fears and all of my shame before me. Part of me still wanted to run, another half wanting to spit in his face. My stomach turned to mush, my knees knocking so loudly together. A burning of a different kind than what I know. A fiery longing. A wanting and needing. It's what I've always sought. It's love. I lost myself in the moment so I took a hold of myself and collected all the strength I had.
And I told him how I feel.
"I l-love you, Hisao."
And kissed him. We're going to make it work. Somehow.