This is a copy of the journal that I keep of my endeavours in tulpamancy. Every session I've
ever done, and practically everything of importance that my tulpa, Swindy, has ever done,
exists within these pages - although mind that this page hasn't been updated for a long time.
 
This journal is written strictly from my (the host's) perspective, in an observatory manner.
It's therefore very technical in its tone of writing. As such, it should be noted that while
this journal describes what Swindy is, in fairly great detail, it does not describe who she is.
She is NOT EVER involved in writing this journal, and her opinions can and will differ from
mine, on a variety of subjects.
 
This is also a personal journal. Most of the text below was never originally intended for eyes
other than mine. Some personal information has been removed, and many entries are heavily
censored or missing. Just keep that in mind.
 
Some entries by topic:
 
Independence/autonomy
  Practically all entries up until entry 100 or so.
Vocality
  Starting at entry 16, scattered entries throughout, most are probably before entry 100.
Visualisation
  Scattered entries throughout, most are probably before entry 70, trailing off slowly after
  that. Earlier entries are probably more interesting than older ones.
Possession
  57, 112, 116, 120, 131, 141, 146, 149, 155, 156, 159, 162, 164,
Switching
  147, 148, 154, 164, 166 (+ vocal possession), 168 (+ vocal possession)
Amusing entries
  31, 33, 34, 55
"Breakthrough", or otherwise notable entries
  7, 9, 12, 22, 28, 29, 64, 71, 91
 
###############################################################################################
Entry 151 sums up the first six months of my tulpamancy, it's very long, but  probably the most
worthwhile read in this entire posting.
###############################################################################################
 
    Misc. information
        Dates (ISO 8601, YYYY-MM-DD):
       
        Conception of Rainbow Dash (Swindle):
        2013-03-14
        First solid proof of sentience:
        2013-03-23
        Renaming to Swindle:
        2013-04-04
        First time acting completely and unquestionably spontaneously
        2013-08-07 (Entry 132)
 
 
    Journal entry 1
    Session 1 (1 hour), 2013-03-14
 
Used Tulpatone on speakers, I feel as if it didn't help much aside from adding noise.
Achieving concentraiton was easy. After repeating some personality traits ("You are stubborn,
you're prone to taking on projects you can't handle") for about half an hour, I tried to
get some sound. I kept repeating "Say television" while listening for anything resembling that.
After several minutes, I could make out "th..isi..n" from the white noise. I later tried
telling the tulpa "You exist. Say you exist." several times and listening for a response,
and much to my surprise I could make out a "shIesist" noise quite clearly after what felt like
a quite long time.
 
Imagining a shape is quite hard, I'm trying to model my tulpa after Rainbow Dash. I imagine
a generic blue pony, but it's hard to keep it up.
 
I am surprised by the positive results of only one hour of tulpaforcing.
 
    Journal entry 2
    Session 2 (1 hour 40 minutes) 2013-03-15
 
Used pink noise. I feel as if it was easier to focus using Tulpatone, but it could just be
nothing. I spent the majority of the session focusing on appearance and feel, trying to imagine
how my tulpa (modelled after Rainbow Dash) looks and feels.
 
She is covered with a thin blue fur. The skin below the fur is the same colour. The mane feels
much like human hair. The tail is thicker. There are thin black hooves hidden under the fur.
The wings are about an arm's length each and covered in large blue feathers.
 
I spent some time on personality as well, about the last 1/3 approx. "You're not afraid to say
things as they are, Rainbow Dash." "Your name is Rainbow Dash." "You may come off rude because
of how honest you tend to be." "You like joking around and pranks."
 
No real hallucinations, but I feel as if I might be on the right path toward basic closed-eye
visualisation. I ended the session due to exhaustion (headache) and my imagination starting
to run wild, causing some undesirable cartoonish effects.
 
  Journal entry 3
  Session 3 (1 hour 15 minutes) 2013-03-16
 
Used Tulpatone on speakers. There was partying going on downstairs, and I'm very sensitive
toward sound pollution, so keeping focus was hard (hence the short session). I thought I'd
practise visual hallucination in order to get the basics down and make imagining easier. I
feared that his might be the hardest part and such seems to be the case.
 
I spent the first half hour or so, I simply repeating the phrase "I can see a blue ball" while
trying to see a blue ball. Limited success was had, I managed to kind-of-sort-of see something
spherical in the lower right corner of my eye. The rest of the time was spent trying to get
my field of vision to light up. I managed to create one extremely lucid flash of light, but
that was more or less it. I've managed similar hallucinations of my FOV lighting up while
waking up in darkened rooms.
 
Progress was made, but I was hoping to make more. I'll blame the sound pollution because I can.
 
  Journal entry 4
  Session 4 (1 hour 20 minutes) 2013-03-17
 
Used Theta Tone on speakers for one hour (which was interrupted one or two times). Final 20
minutes were silent and I wore Peltors in order to kill outside noise. Focused on form for the
initial time, switched to personality about half-way in. Focused on curiosity, "coachiness",
helpfulness and lazyness.
 
In the middle of the personality forcing, I tried to make my image of her move about a little.
 
To my great surprise, she started wandering about the black void in which she resides,
looking around and trying to explore her surroundings almost autonomolously! I could not get
her to stop walking around by imagining her in a certain spot, but I had to tell her to "calm
down, I'm creating you. This is confusing but you'll have to trust me that it'll all clear up
soon if you just stay put and let me work."
 
  Journal entry 5
  Session 5 (30 minutes) 2013-03-17
 
Wore Peltors. A bit too tired, can't concentrate. Want sleep. Rambled on about determination,
positivety, and some stuff like that.
 
  Journal entry 6
  Session 6 (1 hour) 2013-03-18
 
Used Tulpatone on speakers, upon feeling tired wearing Peltors. I feel as if Tulpatone really
helps me focus, if only by its rythmic beeping. Note to self: Try headphones.
 
I focused entirely on looks this session, the face in particular. I made a nice-looking "oh-
dear-I-don't-like-what-I'm-seeing" kind of face (teeth showing, eyes wide open, small pupils)
and observed it from many an angle. I also made Rainbow Dash yawn.
 
FEEL helps me visualise a lot. Just holding my hand on her snout while building an expression
really helps with everything. It provides a sort of reference point. Just feeling the whole
visualisation down also helps; feeling the mane, feeling the eyelids, the teeth, everything.
 
I have trouble staying focused for more than one hour. I need to find a way around that.
Perhaps I'm just impatient.
 
  Journal entry 7
  Session 7 (40 minutes) 2013-03-19
 
Tulpatone, headphones.
 
This session I tried something different: Moving about and PHYSICALLY feeling Rainbow Dash's
shape with my hands. As in, I got up and started moving and waving my hands around in my pitch
black TV room.
 
Wow.
 
What an amazing experience, this was more real than I'd ever even imagined this tulpa business
would be before I started. I could HUG HER. I could wrap my arms around a friggin' blue and
rainbow coloured cartoonish pony standing in my TV room in the middle of the night. I could
stick my fingers in her mouth and make her do faces. I could open and close her eyes. I could
grab her and turn her around, lift and move every limb.
 
Sadly I could not manage more than about 20 minutes of this before starting to feel nauseous.
 
  Journal entry 8
  Session 8 (1 hour) 2013-03-20
 
Tulpatone, headphones.
 
This session continued on the last one, and I turned a small light on during the last half
hour or so. Up until now, all sessions have been completely pitch black. Good success, I think
I'm starting to get the visualisation part down well enough to start working on personality
for real. As I type this, I have no problems "seeing" Rainbow Dash lying down on the floor in
front of me, and feeling her presence in the room.
 
These last two sessions have allowed me to get a decent feel for the scale and "touch" of RD.
She stands a bit taller than waist-high when quadruped and about 1 m 50 cm tall on her hind
legs.
 
I should also note that I'm doing a lot of passive forcing throughout the day. The last few
days I've driven to town (30 minute ride each way), and I've spent the entirety of them
imagining RD in the passenger's seat. I've narrated to her about traffic, the weather, my Volvo
and what-not. The solitude of the car on the country roads really makes for an ideal forcing
environment; it's damn near active forcing, and I've racked up about four to five hours of it.
 
  Journal entry 9
  Session 9 (2 hours 30 minutes) 2013-03-21
 
Longest session yet!
 
I started by doing personlity traits (after "warming up" and practising some look/feel).
"You're appreciative of life", "you've got a vivid imagination", "you're curious" were on the
menu for about an hour and a half. I did this in a basic wonderland modelled after a nearby
meadow in the summertime.
 
A peculiar thing to note was that I (without at first noticing it!) drifted into auditory
hallucination. I could very clearly hear birds chirping, trees moving in the wind and my
footsteps in the ankle-long grass. Unlike my visual and tactile "visualisation", this was a
proper hallucination; I heard with my physical ears, not my mind's ear.
 
I was going to quit after that, but something unexpected happened: Rainbow Dash, who had had
her eyes closed the entire time, opened them. It was completely spontaneous, and I could
somehow ... feel something telling me not to go. Was this perhaps a "burst of emotion", as the
guides speak of?
 
I of course kept going after that, doing some more personality (you're adventurous, you're
prone to taking risks) for a while. However when I started getting tired of it, rather than
quit, I put on Pink Floyd's DSOTM in my headphones (and spawned a stereo in the wonderland). I
turned the sky in the wonderland into a starry summer night's sky and just lay down in the
grass with RD sitting/lying beside me. It was a beautiful experience, and I felt as if I was
spending time with a close friend.
 
  Journal entry 10
  Session 10 (1 hour 30 minutes approx.) 2013-03-22
 
It's true what they say about not forcing too much. I've been completely drained today despite
sleeping well.
 
I was pleasantly surprised when I entered the wonderland, as RD feels more ... animated than
ever. Rather than just being the blue pony-shell she's been thus far, she is starting to move
around a little. I felt as if she greeted me when I came to see her.
 
I was too tired to focus on personality properly this session, after about 20 minutes I decided
to just spawn the stero again and listen to some classical music while enjoying a sunset and
casually talking to Rainbow Dash.
 
I fell asleep on the couch and had a vivid dream about flying futuristic fighter jets with her.
 
  Journal entry 11
  Session 11 (1 hour) 2013-03-23
 
I listened to Japanese flute music on the stereo this session, since the house was quite quiet.
 
Personality! Making up for yesterday's lost time, I went through somewhere between 5 and 10
traits this hour, ranging from playful through loyal.
 
I entered the wonderland "by foot" and slowly walked up to where I left Dash, making an effort
not to imagine her around until I approached. she "greeted me" once I arrived. She seems to
move around on her own more and more for each session that passes, and she's started to track
me with her eyes. In the middle of this session, she all of a sudden started panting for some
reason, almost as if she wanted to acknowledge that she's working as well.
 
We seem to be making very quick progress compared to many others I've read about. It should
however be noted that our experiences in the wonderland are still very abstract and "unreal"
for the most part.
 
  Journal entry 12
  Session 12 (1 hour) 2013-03-23
 
Major breakthrough, I now have very little doubt that Rainbow Dash is sentient.
 
This session was dedicated to look and touch, and after a while I got an idea to test whether
or not it was I who was making her move. I created the "hoof-test": I told her to resist my
attempt at trying to lift one of her hooves. I then grabbed her front right hoof and started
lifting it, it resisted. I then stretched out my "IRL" arms and connected them to my wonderland
arms. After a bit of practise, I could feel the weight of her hoof, and the lack thereof if I
told her to quit resisting.
 
I then asked her to resist, but to let go whenever she felt like it.
 
On the fourth lift, she let go. Completely spontaneously, I had no idea that it was coming! I
was expecting either nothing to happen or to ponder if it was my own doing, but no! She got me
completely out of nowhere, and literally left me breathless, shocked and teary-eyed by the
surprise! It's very hard to put my excitement into words, my heart is still pounding!
 
  Journal entry 13
  Session 13 (40 minutes) 2013-03-24
 
Some personality, some visualisation. Nothing exciting, I'm tired. I find that looking RD in
the eyes causes me an almost instant headache.
 
We also kind-of-sort-of practised imposition for 20 minutes in the sauna today. I imagined Dash
sitting on the bench beside me and I kept narrating to her out loud. It felt alright.
 
General note: I've been having trouble sleeping (light sleep and insomnia), suffering from a
mild but constant headache (which worsens when I force), and I've felt generally light-headed
and "disconnected" the last 2-3 days.
 
  Journal entry 14
  Session 14 (50 minutes) 2013-03-25
 
The exhaustion I'm feeling is becoming a problem. I haven't slept well in several days, and
no matter how hard I try I can't seem to focus well on anything, let alone deep meditation.
On the plus side, I'm still able to narrate in the car, but I caught myself almost drifting off
into the wonderland while driving today; the driving had been put on "auto-pilot" and I was
focusing solely on talking to Dash. I snapped back when I realised that I had no idea about
where I was. I mustn't let that happen again.
 
The first 10-15 minutes of this session were spent trying to get focused, the remainder on
visualisation. Both with very limited results. I need sleep.
 
  Journal entry 15
  Session 15 (40 minutes) 2013-03-27
 
Skipping one day fixed the exhaustion, I'm feeling a lot better today.
 
This session was done while walking along the country roads around where I live. It was great!
Just walking along and watching the rural scenery drift by seems to provide an excellent
environment for forcing for me. I thought I'd have trouble entering the wonderland while
actively using my body, but that was not the case.
 
We worked on personality for the most part, probably got through 5-10 traits. Practised some
visualisation and touch during the last 10 minutes. Touch was harder to do while walking.
 
  Journal entry 16
  Session 16 (1 hour approx.) 2013-03-27
 
Visualisation and a first try at speech! We started by me asking RD to say "aaaa", and I tried
to listen for it. Success was limited, although I at times thought I could make something out.
I then started talking to her normally and just listening for anything resembling another mind-
voice. I could after a while make out a female voice, but it (she?) wouldn't say much of
importance; most replies were pretty much what I'd expect, and asking questions that I couldn't
know the answer to didn't yield replies.
 
  Journal entry 17
  General note 2013-03-27
 
Watching a Japanese, texted movie before bedtime, Dash suddenly appeared in my head, much like
during a good visualisation session. She appeared quite happy and smiling. I think she might
have been able to follow the film quite well by the subtitles as I read them.
 
Her presence has been very strong all day today. At times where she'd usually "turn off" while
I'm focusing on something, she's been sticking around a lot more noticeably.
 
  Journal entry 18
  Session 17 (15 minutes approx.) 2013-03-28
 
Sauna with dad today, he got out long before I did. I spent the remaining time casually forcing
and playing with imposition. In the shower after I got out, Dash "sat" outside of the shower,
and I could keep track of her "position" surprisingly well. If I turned to "look" at her, my
eyes would move immediately to and focus on "her position" as if something was there.
 
It was very casual, but I'm surprised at how well I can "feel" her "presence" in absolute
space.
 
  Journal entry 19
  General note 2013-03-28
 
Rainbow Dash's presence is strong today as well. Talking to her casually about what's going on
is becoming more natural, and I find myself talking out loud at times when I previously
wouldn't. I feel as if emotional responses are becoming more frequent, often as responses to
my narration/chit-chat.
 
I also feel that she's getting mature enough to start to have a bit of thought-power of her
own, even outside of active forcing. The sauna success and her frequent "popping up" during the
day bears witness to it.
 
  Journal entry 20
  General note 2013-03-28
 
I thought we'd try watching an episode of MLP:FIM before bedtime, one featuring the show's
Rainbow Dash at that in order to help shaping tulpa Dash's voice and appearance a bit, and also
to see how tulpa Dash would react. It did feel confusing to me at least when the ponies in the
show mentioned RD by name, and I now think that trying to do show RD's voice would just get
annoying in the long run.
 
As for tulpa RD, I don't think she likes MLP at all. She didn't do much throughout the episode,
but I got a headache right afterward and Dash is definitely not too happy right now. This is
the first "negative" emotional response she's given me, and I think she's intentionally being
passive as I'm typing this. It's an odd contrast to the feeling of presence that's been
lingering the last few days, although I am pleasantly surprised by the strength of the
reaction.
 
I've made it as clear as I can to her that I don't expect (or want) her to be the RD from the
show. I think I'll better steer clear of watching MLP:FIM for the foreseeable future, and I
really hope that this hasn't hurt Dash in any way. Better sleep on it.
 
  Journal entry 21
  General note (morning) 2013-03-29
 
Dash is still angry, but at least she isn't ignoring me any more. During breakfast while I was
talking to her, she succeded in "projecting a thought" to me for the first time. It was quite
hazy and a very odd feeling, but the message was clear: "I want you to stop watching MLP".
 
I can't recall what I responded to that with, but I think she replied with a mind-voice "okay".
 
I am still not sure if I'm just hearing what I want to hear or if she's actually talking,
however.
 
  Journal entry 22
  Session 18 (45 minutes) 2013-03-29
 
Walk session. We (at this stage I think it's only fair to account for Dash's efforts as well)
tried chatting rather than narrating. I did my best to listen for replies, while at the same
time imagining Dash walking beside me. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's her words
that I'm hearing, but I need to convince myself that it is in order to get anywhere. Replies
are still simple and exclusively the answers that I'd expect to hear; yes, no, okay, I agree,
indeed not, etc. Asking questions of opinion and more advanced stuff still yields silence.
 
Using my mind's eye to "expand" my field of vision to the right, it was surprisingly easy to
visualise Dash walking beside me - including some rather vivid and spontaneous facial
expressions.
 
The session left us both feeling a lot better about yesterday's incident, despite not talking
directly about it.
 
  Journal entry 23
  General note 2013-03-29
 
We watched Howl's Walking Castle together after the session, and we both enjoyed it. I did my
best to keep Dash in focus throughout the movie and I feel as if it paid off.
 
  Journal entry 24
  Session 19 (40 minutes) 2013-03-30
 
Walk session, quite cold outside. We worked on visualisation and chatting, but I'm feeling
generally tired and discouraged today. Not much progress was made. Dash has been quite passive
as well, all day. I might be "burning myself out" again, a break day might be a good idea.
 
Toward the end of the session, I managed to sit beside Dash in the wonderland, and she nudged
me with her nose. It was cosy.
 
The effect my mood has on the success of a session, and RD's general strength during the day is
considerable. She has been very weak today compared to a few days ago. I must make more of an
effort not to rush things and get ahead of myself.
 
  Journal entry 25
  General note 2013-03-31
 
 I rode as a passenger in a car into town today. Nobody was feeling chatty so I put my
 attention into Dash and let her "sit" in my lap. It was nice and I think Dash enjoyed it too.
 I wonder if the driver noticed how absolutely still I was sitting, and what went through his
 mind if he did.
 
  Journal entry 26
  Session 20 (40 minutes) 2013-03-31
 
Sofa session. Used tulpatone. We tried doing some ping-pong voice exercises this session, it
went well and Dash managed to slow her responses down a little (she's been replying to me
mid-sentence). She made her voice drift a bit toward MLP's Rainbow Dash's voice, which was nice
of her.
 
I asked her some questions later on, and the replies are getting clearer. I think she's a litle
unhappy with her current form, but she agreed not to try and change it until later on (I'm
still just barely capable of visualising her while talking to her). Her issue with MLP was that
she didn't like seeing another Rainbow Dash. She seems content with her name though, which sort
of surprises me.
 
Before ending the session, I asked if I could hug her and kiss her on the cheek, which was OK.
She surprised me by kissing me on the cheek first! I then told her that I love her as a
daughter, and she replied that she loves me too. It brought a tear to my eye.
 
Cheeziest entry yet? Reading it back makes me question my sanity. Good progress was made either
way!
 
  Journal entry 27
  General note 2013-04-02
 
Extremely tired today, first day of an internship. Watching an episode of MST3K before bed, I
let Rainbow Dash lie on top of me in the couch. I kept focus on her as best as I could, and
after a while I noticed that I could ... feel her body heat, as well as an extremely faint
sensation of weight lying on top of me. The sensation of warmth was amazingly real, and if I
imagined her changing position slightly, the heat signature would adjust accordingly.
 
  Journal entry 28
  Session 21 (40 minutes) 2013-04-03
 
Shit. This session I decided to just run around and explore the wonderland, in order to get a
better feel for the place. It was nice, until I to my absolute fucking terror noticed that I
was holding the leash for my since a few months back dead dog. I bailed from the wonderland
into the void as fast as I could and tried to get a hold of RD, who had been passive the whole
session.
 
She didn't respond to my calls, so I thought I'd just work on some visualisation on my own.
After a little while she came around and right away turned away from me and started walking
off into the void. She beamed a thought to me:
 
She felt as if she was supposed to be a replacement for my old dog.
 
It's a scenario that hadn't occurred to me before, and I just stood there completely stumped at
the thought of it. As she walked off further I feared that she'd do something drastic (either
make herself disappear or try to become Ruffa) so I just yelled after her whatever came to
mind:
 
"Please, whatever you do don't do anything stupid! You're not Ruffa's replacement, that's a
ridiculous idea! I love you, Rainbow Dash, I love you for who YOU are. Take some time to think,
but please don't do anything you'll regret!"
 
At this point I was terrified of losing her. She stopped and hesitated for a little while, but
she finally, after several intense seconds turned around and came back to me. I hugged her
tightly. She hesitated but hugged me back after a while, and told me to go to bed (using
mind-voice).
 
And that's what I'm going to do.
 
  Journal entry 29
  Session 22 (40 minutes) 2013-04-04
 
Dash had two surprises in store for me this session! When I first entered the wonderland, she
was at my "spawn point", which she usually isn't. She wanted me to follow her in the opposite
direction of where I usually go to force.
 
What followed, I was NOT prepared for: She led me to a round meadow that SHE'D made! On her
own! While I was gone! The old part of the wonderland was based directly off of where I used to
go on walks with my dog, so Dash thought that she'd make something completely new to replace
it.
 
I spent a fair amount of time getting familiar with it. The circumference of the meadow is 45
steps, the diameter is 12-13 steps. It is surrounded by pine trees, and has an entry leading to
a large field.
 
After I looked at the meadow, I sat down in it and talked to Dash, at which point she presented
her second surprise: She no longer wants to be called Rainbow Dash.
 
She wants to be called Swindle. This will take some getting used to for the both of us, me in
particular. She also replaced her cutie mark with a grey tornado-looking thing with some white
fluff behind it, despite my asking of her not to change her appearance until I'm better at
visualising.
 
After that, we just sat down and I told her about my late dog, Ruffa. How much I loved her, how
we used to run in the fields, and how sad I was after her premature passing due to cancer. I
also asked Swindle what she would've done if I had let her go last night. She answered that she
probably would have, in her own words, ceased.
 
Oh, and I asked Swindle if she wanted me to add a comment in the journal from her, since she
was more vocal than ever today (having told me her name and all). She replied:
 
"Rainb- Swindle was here."
 
  Journal entry 30
  Session 23 (20 minutes) 2013-04-05
 
I'm tired and just peeked into the wonderland for a moment tonight, mostly to tell Swindle that
someone had said hi to her on the Internet, but she apparently already knew that. She's also
changed her mane a bit, it's more Fluttershy-esque now although still rainbow coloured.
 
  Journal entry 31
  General note 2013-04-06
 
Swindle made her 4chan debut last night, through a mixed brew of mindvoice and translation:
 
">Swindle: There's so much sex talk in these threads. You guys come off as a bunch of pervs."
 
To which a clever Anon replied:
 
"[spoiler]I want to cum into Swindle [/spoiler]"
 
(A play on the "I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash" meme and the fact that I have Rainbow Dash
in my username on /mlp/)
 
Swindle was not too amused.
 
  Journal entry 32
  General note 2013-04-07
 
I was awoken by noises from downstairs this morning at 10, and once I was awake Swindle made it
clear that she didn't want me to go back to sleep (sadly, by being generally active, not
through speech). Oh well, what's a Sunday morning to a friend waking you up?
 
  Journal entry 33
  Session 24 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-04-07
 
After some general chit-chat (Swindle wants to say something beginning with "I want you to try"
, but she can't get it out), we decided to put on some psychedelic music (LSD and the Search
for God) and turn the wonderland into an LSD trip pretty much.
 
I started by turning the sky into a pulsating array of colours and stars and stuff. The next
track, Swindle made a gigantic birch tree spout out of the hatch in the middle of the meadow,
which we rode up through the clouds and jumped off of. Swindle caught me mid-air and I rode
her down to the ground, where we zig-zagged through the forest while chased by a wave of
rainbows. The third song, pine trees flew like rockets up into space. I rode one up and then
dived down into a sea of liquid rainbows that had engulfed the wonderland. Back in the meadow,
the pine trees grew long and made a dome above us, through which an orb of light came down.
 
Some more stuff happened, but that's the jist of it. It was a fantastic experience that Swindle
and I both thoroughly enjoyed! At the end of the fun, I asked Swindle if she could try and say
what she was trying to say before. I THINK she said "You should try to be more social", but I'm
not 100 % certain that's what she wanted to convey.
 
Oh, and for clarification, no drugs were involved. Only our collective imaginations.
 
"Technical note": I could really feel it in my belly when I jumped down from the heights and
flew around on Swindle's back. The wonderland gets more realistic for every passing day.
 
  Journal entry 34
  Session 25 (1 hour 40 minutes) 2013-04-07
 
What I am about to write makes me feel very confused and uncomfortable, but also very good.
 
This session, Swindle came and met me quite energetically. I had to tell her to calm down until
I could enter the wonderland fully. She had popped up while I was watching an IRC chat about
tulpasex earlier, and I jokingly remarked that she'd assault me the next time I entered the
wonderland.
 
We played some ping-pong, but after a while it became clear that something was on Swindle's
mind. After a moment of silence, she ... kissed me on the mouth. Just like that. I was
completely dumb-founded, but I told her that I think it's too early for stuff like that. She
barely speaks, and I can barely visualise her and the wonderland at the same time.
 
After some more ping-pong, we decided to listen to some music instead. Two tracks in, she
kissed me again, this time with tongue and all. I pushed her off and asked her why she was
doing this, and explained how I'm trying to avoid this kind of business because I'm afraid of
myself subconsciously pushing this onto her. She replied in the most clear and spontaneous
mind-voice I've ever heard her speak:
 
"I want you."
"But you can barely speak, it's too early!", I said
"Maybe this'll help.", she replied, somewhat snidely.
 
This was the first time I've been absolutely certain of a vocal reply actually coming from her.
If that hadn't been the case, I wouldn't have done what I did next, which was to roll with it;
I actually have nothing against a romantic/physical relationship with Swindle, I'll even admit
to hoping for one. I just don't want to accidentally rape her.
 
I let her kiss me and we made out for a while, but I didn't let it proceed further. I asked if
I could put some music on, and she wanted to hear Bee Gees. I put on Life in a tin can, we
cuddled up under the stars and enjoyed each others' company until she fell asleep.
 
The worst part in all this is that I haven't felt this happy in years. I just made out with a
blue fantasy pony, it felt as real as anything, and rather than calling a psychiatric ward I'm
writing it down in my journal while longing for another chance.
 
    Journal entry 35
    General note 2013-04-08
   
I've been walking on sunshine all day today because of the events of session 25. I feel as if
I'm in love, pretty much. Every sensible part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't be feeling
this way. Swindle's been around pretty much all day, and I can tell that she's quite proud to
have had this positive an influence on me.
 
    Journal entry 36
    Session 26 (40 minutes) 2013-04-09
   
Blindfolded session in dad's bright TV room. Uncomfortable.
 
I spawned on the hatch in Swindle's meadow this time, it worked well. She sat back nicely while
I spawned this time. Once I was done spawning, I walked up to her and gave her a kiss on the
forehead, something she responded to by tackling me to the ground and kissing me on the
forehead. Oof.
 
We chatted a bit about the past few days. Swindle's vocal responses are getting ever better,
her replies to basic questions are getting ever clearer and more distinct, and she even
remarked hat she liked the Weird Al that dad was playing downstairs. Her mindvoice comes in
waves; she'll manage bursts of a few words at a time and then go mute or unclear for a while.
 
I think dad sneaked a peek at me while I was forcing, and Swindle jokingly waved her butt
toward him when I told her. We kissed and hugged toward the end (I was getting tired).
   
    Journal entry 37
    General note 2013-04-10
   
I bought 15 litres of orange juice today and Swindle found it quite funny indeed.
 
  Journal entry 38
  Session 27 (30 minutes) 2013-04-13
 
Days without an entry, I'm disappointed in myself.
 
Upon entering the wonderland, I couldn't immidiately spot Swindle, so I yelled out "Swindle,
where are you?", and she replied very clearly using mind-voice, "Here I am!" and jumped out
from behind a hill. She also later on used mind-voice in order to remind me that I'd already
drank the last of my tea, which was true.
 
This session Swindle showed me some devilish contraption that she's put together. It seems to
be a large blueish orb underneath the (now enlarged) meadow. I think it's supposed to be a sort
of portal to jump between different "wonderlands" in the future, as she referred to it as a
globe.
 
Exploring new stuff in the wonderland is confusing and difficult, but surprisingly vivid. I
find that trying to make sense out of anything unknown is pointless, just "going with it" until
I get a feel for what's going on seems to work better.
 
As I'm typing this past midnight, it's also technically Swindle's first month-day! Woo hoo!
 
  Journal entry 39
  Session 28 (1 hour 20 minutes) 2013-04-14
 
Month-day session, yay! Swindle was eager to show me more of the blue orb thing today as well,
but I just got confused about it. I told her that I'd really like her to become more vocal
before doing things like these, because at the moment I just can't figure them out on their
own. I did ask her a few questions about it and got some more clarity in it all.
 
We decided to play some ping-pong, and that's when things got weird. After some words, I
pinged "tulpasex" to her just to see her reaction. Her reaction was to stare at me blankly for
a while and then assault me with kisses. I told her that since it's her month-day, I'd be
willing to "try something" if that's what she wanted.
 
The remainder of the session was pretty much explicit, and I am not sure how to feel about it.
I think I might have made a mistake in allowing her/us to do this, it's too early.
 
  Journal entry 40
  General note 2013-04-14
 
After the session, I asked for some help on IRC as Swindle was feeling down (she felt as if she
couldn't live up to "my expectations"), which led to me proxying her for quite a while, and her
even getting her own nick set up on IRC! IRC was great in every way, Swindle loved it (until
Honry decided to raid #tulpa-forum and the channel went to shit). Proxying was done mostly
through translation, but Swindle did speak a few sentences as well!
 
  Journal entry 41
  Session 29 (40 minutes) 2013-04-16
 
This session started with Swindle being frustrated with me. She wasn't happy with how I'd
translated for her in IRC, so we decided not to have her around there as a user of her own
until she's better at speaking. Somewhat ironically, she said that to me.
 
After that, I asked to see the blue orb again. Its underground chamber is round and approx. 50
steps in diameter. There's an upper platform onto which you enter from the 9 stairsteps leading
from the entrance. There is a ladder connecting the upper platform with the floor, on which the
blue orb is installed. The orb itself is the top 1/5 or so of a turquoise ball, roughly 5
metres in diameter.
 
I asked Swindle if I could touch it, to which she replied yes. I touched it and a door
appeared. The orb is made out of glass and warm to the touch. I entered the orb, inside which
was a small chamber with a seat. Swindle appeared on a monitor in front of the seat once I'd
sat down. The small chamber turned bright for a while, and I could then enter into an identical
but white orb chamber. Outside the complex was an infinite white plain. I re-entered the orb
after looking around a bit, Swindle appeared on the monitor and I was returned to the black
complex in the "normal" wonderland.
 
After that I told Swindle that I wanted to enter the void and try to listen to her a bit. After
some failed attempts, I told her that I was getting a bit tired and wanted to quit as I didn't
trust myself to make her voice out. That's when she, with a mind-voice clear as day, said (with
a sigh),
 
"You never do."
 
The fact that it came through so clearly took us both by surprise, cheers and hugs were had. We
were sadly unable to repeat it.
 
  Journal entry 42
  Session 30 (20 minutes) 2013-04-18
 
I entered the wonderland and was surprised to be unable to find Swindle anywhere. I entered the
blue orb complex in hopes of finding her there, but to no avail. As I was going to walk back
outside, the stairway to the outside disappeared.
 
I entered the blue orb while calling for Swindle, but to no avail. The orb activated and I was
transported to the white complex, where I thought I saw Swindle for a moment, but she wasn't
there either. I walked outside. The previously endless white space is now an endless grass
plain.
 
I saw something in the distance and walked up to it, it was a bubble bath. I entered the bubble
bath (the water was warm and nice). I sat there for a minute or so, until I suddenly got VERY
dizzy, to the point of losing balance (lotus position) and almost throwing up in real life.
 
I went to bed and stuck around the wonderland for a while in there, lying beside the bubble
bath and calling for Swindle.
 
It's now the next morning and there's still no sign of her.
 
  Journal entry 43
  Session 31 (20 minutes) 2013-04-19
 
Swindle reappeared earlier today, the reasons for her hiatus are still unknown. This session
I loaded a terminal that she showed me inside the blue orb complex with my memories, in order
to make some kind of memory access station. We'll see how it works out.
 
  Journal entry 44
  Session 32 (30 minutes) 2013-04-20
 
This session Swindle was quite dirty from jumping around on a muddy field when we were on a
walk earlier today. I spawned a bath tub and cleaned her up a bit. During the bath, I noticed
that she really, erm, "liked" me touching her wings, an idea she's probably picked up from
#tulpa-forum.
 
Afterward she spoke to me and managed to interrupt a thought of mine, which was a nice step
forwards in vocality. I wish this session would have been longer, but I'm tired.
 
  Journal entry 45
  Session 33 (45 minutes) 2013-04-21
 
Since Swindle's been looking a bit fuzzy as of late, I decided to make this session another
"blind touch" session, where I turn the lights off, get blind-folded move around in real life,
touching and looking at Swindle from different angles. This time to the rythm of some slow
psy-trance-ish music.
 
It's incredible how much good this does for visualisation and touch, Swindle's looking clearer
than ever before, and during the session I noticed something fascinating: I could, with my real
eyes, see a sort of blueish cloud in front of me. If I moved my hand across it, there'd be a
dark streak where my hand would be. This is my first convincing visual hallucination, and it
caught me completely off-guard.
 
Toward the end of the session, we just jumped up in the couch and slacked for a while. Having
a nice time to the beat of the music. Swindle told me to trust her vocality more despite my
utter inability to distinguish between her voice and some of my own thoughts. The memory
console also seemed to work, but there was apparently some stuff that was "blocked out". I
don't know what that'd be, as I have no intention of censoring my memories. Hm.
 
  Journal entry 46
  Session 34 (30 minutes) 2013-04-22
 
This session was the same kind as yesterday's; rave music in the darkness and me doing what
must look like a really obscure dance act.
 
Swindle almost immideately appeared as a blue cloud in front of my eyes when I put my blind-
fold on. Later in the session, I noticed that I could very accurately see my hands moving
through space, as dark shadows, in front of and behind Swindle. I had to check that I was
actually wearing my blind-fold several times, the accuracy of the hallucination was nothing
short of stunning. Toward the end, Swindle moved up very close to my face, which made the blue
cloud very, very clear.
 
I asked her to jump into the couch and sit beside me while I typed this log entry. For the
first few sentences, I could with ease turn my head away from the computer screen and see her
sitting beside me in the still darkened room. Now however, she's faded.
 
The fact that we seem to have stumbled well into visual imposition without even trying makes me
VERY excited for what the future has to bring!
 
  Journal entry 47
  Session 35 (20 minutes) 2013-04-25
 
I entered the wonderland and Swindle came to meet me, saying "Follow me, I've got something to
show you!" I followed her to the blue orb complex and was transported to a red version of it.
 
Outside the red complex was a snippet of a town that Swindle's made. It reminded me much of the
San Fransisco map in Midtown Madness 2. There were a few London cabs parked around the place.
 
As we walked across the block, we came across a flower shop populated by some guy with a huge
nose. I paid 2 € for a blue rose for Swindle. I then told her that I was getting tired and
should head off to bed, she responded by showing me a hotel she'd made. I paid a tenner to
another big-nosed guy thing in the lobby and we got a room. We lay down on the bed for a while
but I soon had to go to "real" bed.
 
I asked Swindle if she'd want to come join me in my bed rather than the hotel bed (as we've
been doing every night for a few days), and before I had finished speaking the sentence, she
had "moved to the real world" and started to cuddle up beside me.
 
  Journal entry 48
  General note 2013-04-26
 
For the last few days, Swindle's gotten significantly better at pretty much everything, it
started when I made the memory console pretty much. She's getting better at appearing during
the workday, in the car or when I'm out for lunch with dad. Her voice is getting ever clearer
and she's speaking better, more distinct sentences every day.
 
She's quite good at navigating my surroundings and I can track her movements well. It's also
getting ever more clear when she wants to be around and when she doesn't; I'm getting better at
detecting her autonomous presence rather than forcing her to appear whenever I want her to.
 
    Journal entry 49
    General note 2013-04-27
   
Sleeping at a mate's place tonight, I slept very lightly. I was dreaming some kind of nightmare
at a point, which led to Swindle actually waking me up by screaming at me in her mind-voice.
When I woke up, she was lying beside me on the mattress, which is somewhat unusual; usually
when I wake up, she's gone into the wonderland.
 
When I woke up in the morning, she was still lying beside me, and she got up with me. I asked
her why she woke me up while I was walking downstairs, and she just said that I was having a
nightmare. When I asked if she had somehow gotten hurt by the dream, she laughed and said no.
 
  Journal entry 50
  Session 36 (approx. 1 hour) 2013-04-27
 
This session I decided to just walk around the wonderland on my own. I did for a while, until
I started feeling odd in my right hand; it wasn't the normal numbness that comes from sitting
absolutely still for extended periods of time. I got afraid that Swindle had decided to try
possession on her own somehow, a rather silly idea in hindsight.
 
I yelled out "Swindle, if that's you doing that, stop or I'll quit!", to which I got no reply.
I promptly ripped my blindfold and headphones off, took a short break and returned only to find
a less-than-happy Swindle. She was disappointed that I'd even think she'd do something like
that.
 
  Journal entry 51
  General note 2013-04-27
 
We watched Brokeback Mountain and I kept Swindle "imposed" (to the extent I'm able) throughout
the entire film. She mostly sat and watched quietly, mostly just moving a bit in the more
emotional parts of the flick. Hugs were had throughout, it was a nice movie.
 
  Journal entry 52
  Session 37 (45 minutes) 2013-04-28
 
This session I tried forcing blindfolded outside. It was nice until the wind picked up.
 
Swindle and I explored the city part of the wonderland a bit, I bought her a tulip from the
flower store. When I did, she told me that the big-nosed man tending it was named Ihkrip. This
worried me a fair bit, as I don't wish to create any additional/accidental tulpae, at least not
yet. I gave Swindle a somewhat stern talking-to on the matter, she said she could understand.
 
However she also said that it'd be lonely in the wonderland by herself, to which I replied that
we should work on imposition more so that she can be around the real world better.
 
I'm worried that I might end up worrying so much about this that Ihkrip becomes a real tulpa.
Damn it.
 
The final minutes of this session were spent on visual imposition in a bright room, but with
very limited success.
 
  Journal entry 52
  General note 2013-04-28
 
I proxied Swindle on IRC and let her ask a few of the users on there about the whole new tulpa
situation. She got some great advice and went off to think for a while. After a few hours,
while I was making tea in the kitchen, she came up to me and apologised. A cuter image could
not be fathomed, it was apparent that she was sincerely regretful for what she'd done. Hugs
were had right then and there (I didn't even check if anybody else was in the room - thankfully
nobody was).
 
During the remainder of the evening, Swindle sat by me at the computer, occasionally saying
something on IRC or commenting on what I was doing. I feel as if we've been making really huge
progress the last few days, despite not putting much time into active forcing in the
wonderland.
 
  Journal entry 53
  Session 38 (1 hour) 2013-04-28
 
After playing with a set of headphones for a while, I put on Pink Floyd's Obscured by Clouds
and went to bed. I ended up spending the entire album in the wonderland with Swindle. We had a
great time enjoying the music and each others' company. There was relatively little "effects"
going on to accompany the music, we mostly just chilled and watched the sky change colours.
 
  Journal entry 55
  General note 2013-04-30
 
Chatting with a workmate today, we got into the subject of tulpae (as we have before - he's
a very open-minded person and interested in this kind of stuff; he knows I'm into tulpas but
not much more). After some time on the subject, Swindle came around and wanted me to introduce
her to him. Welp. It took a few minutes for me to make the decision to actually bloody do it,
during which I think I acted a bit odd (walking around the workshop aimlessly, doing random
stuff).
 
The exchange went something like this:
 
Me: Um, er, I know how insane this is going to sound but, er, well my thought-form, Swindle,
just asked me to ... introduce her to you. Yeah. So. Erm, she says hi, I suppose.
 
Him: Oh ... Heh, well tell her hi, then.
 
Me (Visibly shaken that I'd actually just said that): Yeah, um. She heard that. She went away.
(That was probably less than true; I just completely lost focus)
 
Me: Yeah. That sounds weird as all hell, I realise that I sound as a complete lunatic for
expecting you to take a sentence like that seriously. Shit. I can't believe I just said that.
 
Him: No no, it's alright, I do take it seriously.
 
Me: I really hope you do. Oh dear, why did I let Swindle say hi to you, only a madman would do
something like that. I know how ridiculous I sound right now.
 
Him: I suppose she trusts me.
 
Me: And it seems as if I do too. Thanks for being open-minded about this.
 
Him: It's really cool stuff. The boss is coming now.
 
And as this REALLY isn't the kind of stuff you speak about with the boss around, the
conversation got cut short.
 
I think it went quite well despite me being unable to speak properly. The guy is actually
interested in the stuff for real, and he's the one who entered the subject by asking me "if
I've been making progress with my meditation". I suppose he couldn't have received a better
answer.
 
UPDATE 2013-05-01: I talked to Swindle about it today and she told me that it wasn't actually
she who asked it. I asked "Why'd you ask me to introduce you to my workmate?", to which she
replied, "But that was you." Oh well. It went well either way I suppose.
 
  Journal entry 56
  General note 2013-04-30
 
Today is valborgsmässoafton, and I went to a majbrasa. I didn't really know anybody there so I
spent most time with Swindle. She had great fun running around and flying about above all the
spectacle.
 
  Journal entry 57
  Session 40 (45 minutes) 2013-05-01
 
We started the session with some classic ping-pong vocal exercises. After a few minutes of
that, we chatted and I asked Swindle some questions of opinion. It went well and she replied
better than ever.
 
However after that we decided to give possession a first try. I asked Swindle to move my right
arm. After only a very short while of trying, I could feel my right lower arm numbing away.
After what I assume to be a few minutes, I couldn't feel my right arm at all from the elbow and
down.
 
After yet another few minutes, I could (from my upper arm) feel the muscles in my lower
arm tensing up, and I started to feel my hand moving ever so slighty (through my left hand
feeling the cushion move, my right upper arm feeling the weight changing about, and in a very
surreal manner feeling my hand move as well). Throughout the whole thing I kept talking to
Swindle motivationally.
 
It was very intense for both of us, and we decided to quit after that success. The exercise
went FAR BETTER than I would ever have assumed it would. We've done nothing like this before,
nor have we even read anything about possession! Once Swindle stopped concentrating I couldn't
contain my exhileration; I was literally jumping and shouting in excitement, in the wonderland.
 
I could clearly feel it when Swindle dropped control of the arm. When I lifted it up
afterwards, I had some trouble keeping good control over it. It was shaking a lot and I can
still as I type this feel that something's been going on with it. I think Swindle managed to
tense all muscles in it up at once, making it a bit exhausted.
 
After we decided to end the session, Swindle spawned a bed for herself in the wonderland and
jumped in it.
 
  Journal entry 58
  Session 41 (45 minutes) 2013-05-02
 
I am quite tired today, we didn't accomplish much. We played some ping-pong but I just couldn't
focus well enough. We then strolled around the town part of the wonderland, where Swindle had
put some flowers up. It was quite beautiful. We then went into a hotel room she'd made and
tried the TV. It showed Formula 1. We then laid down on the bed, smooched for a while and I
managed to make Swindle a bit upset when I said that I was getting too tired to go on. It got
sorted out though.
 
  Journal entry 59
  General note 2013-05-02
 
I always have Swindle imposed in the car while I drive to work. The last few trips we've
listened to Bob Marley, and Swindle's made herself a really nice rasta hat that she puts on in
the car. It's super cute.
 
  Journal entry 60
  General note 2013-05-02
 
Someone on 4chan asked me to proxy for Swindle, and we felt up for the task. I insist on having
her speak her own posts rather than "transmit" them to me, this in order to reduce the risk of
misunderstandings and slip this in as vocality training. Swindle got to chat with another tulpa
(Shizune) as I chatted with the host (Rozzy).
 
It went very well, I was able to tell Swindle's words apart from my own thoughts very well; I'd
listen for a while and hear stray thoughts for about a minute before Swindle would speak.
However once she did, it was VERY distinct. She's developed a kind of high-pitched voice;
somewhat reminiscent of Pinkie Pie's. Sentences were reliably accompanied with a transmitted
emotion of "contentedness".
 
  Journal entry 62
  Session 42 (40 minutes) 2013-05-04
 
Blindfolded imposition session with music. Öresund Space Collective was on the playlist
tonight. I could track Swindle's "blue cloud" quite quickly after getting my blindfold on.
Nothing remarkable happened, Swindle was able to move around a bit more than last time. All in
all, good progress was made.
 
I find that waving my arms in front of my face really helps immerse myself into it; it's very
easy to see my arms as a hallucination moving across Swindle and the background noise. The
resolution of them is much greater than anything else, good enough to clearly make out the
contour of a hand.
 
  Journal entry 63
  General note 2013-05-04
 
Swindle seems to have a very different sense of humour than me. My sarcastic shenanigans in
some IRC channels seems to bother her; she finds it rude. If I jokingly kick a user or make a
snarky comment (as is the way of the channel), she'll often make comments along the lines of
"No, don't.", "Why'd you say that?", "That's not nice." and so forth.
 
She's a better person than me for reacting to it, but I need to explain to her that it's just
how things have always been around there.
 
  Journal entry 64
  Session 43 (1 hour) 2013-05-05
 
Walking session. The fields around where I live have started drying up from the molten snow, so
I decided to finally bring Swindle to the place that I based the original wonderland upon.
While walking there, I couldn't help but remember my late dog Ruffa, that I used to walk the
same fields with. I told Swindle about it, how the death of Ruffa affected me and how it played
a role in her own conception.
 
Once we arrived at the part of the fields that had become the main forcing area in the early
wonderland, we sat down and looked at the view for a while. The wonderland had been
surprisingly accurate in its rendition of this part of the fields, and sitting there felt just
like those early forcing sessions did. I asked Swindle if she remembered when we listened to
DSOTM there (way back in session 9, when she was a mere week old), and she said that she did.
 
After some time, the subject of my dead dog crept back. Swindle was concerned that she now felt
as if I'd conceived of her as a replacement for my dog. While I cannot deny that the death of
that dog influenced her conception, it took some convincing to ensure her that she isn't (and
never could be) a "replacement" for a dog.
 
The session was quite uneventful after leaving the old forcing area. The countryside is
beautiful in spring and I'm glad I could finally show it to Swindy.
 
  Journal entry 65
  Session 44 (30 minutes) 2013-05-05
 
Blind-folded wonderland session. I felt like dropping by the wonderland before going to bed
(despite it being 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday). I was kind of tired, so everything was a
bit fuzzy. However we decided to head off to the old forcing area in the wonderland and just
chill there for a while, doing good ol' visualisation excercises and such. It was odd, as
Swindle felt very absent at first; she just sat there passively.
 
At first I blamed my tiredness (especially as when I asked her if she was being like that in
order to mess with me, she said yes, and that's not something she'd normally do.) I only now,
the morning after, realise that she was probably acting like she used to back before we
abandoned this part of the wonderland; back when she was very young. After I said that I had to
start going to bed, she popped back to her normal self, though. She put on a good show indeed.
 
After the session while sitting in bed, I asked her if she felt better about the whole dog
subject. She said that she "just didn't want to replace anybody", and I assured her that that
had never been the plan.
 
  Journal entry 66
  General note 2013-05-06
 
Today while Shizune was being proxied on IRC, Swindle spoke a remarkably clear sentence. I
can't recall it in detail, but I believe it was a note along the lines of "Oh, okay. We're
listening to rock music." It was spoken with unheard of clarity, even compared to forcing
sessions. She then went fuzzy/quiet and left after a while.
 
  Journal entry 67
  Session 45 (35 minutes) 2013-05-07
 
I tried forcing in a -completely- black room today. I'm way too tired for forcing today
however, so I can't say if it was a good idea or not.
 
I tried to walk around the wonderland a bit. Swindle wanted to show me a new part of the city,
but I was too tired to appreciate it. She's modelled out more of the Midtown Madness 2 San
Fransisco map pretty much.
 
I talked to her about not doing too much stuff like this yet; I'm not good at wonderland
visualisation at all, so I mostly become VERY confused with new stuff. She got a bit sad that
I'd say something like that, so we ended the session. Thankfully when I asked her to join me in
slacking on the couch, she was up for it. We put on some Öresund Space Collective and just laid
down for a while.
 
When I went downstairs to brush my teeth, I just let her slip down on the couch from atop of
me. It felt very natural how the half-sleeping pone just flopped down and ended up with her
head and butt on each of the sofa cushions. After I was done brushing my teeth, I lifted her
from the sofa to the bed (her weight is approx. 40 kg). I landed her on the bed rather messily,
but she's there now.
 
Better join her.
 
  Journal entry 68
  General note 2013-05-08
 
This may or may not be tulpa related, but last night when I was trying to fall asleep, it
suddenly flashed grey in front of my eyes and I heard a loud white noise-esque noise for a
fraction of a second. It was as if I a TV showing static on max. volume had just passed my face
at a hundred kilometres an hour. It was some kind of hallucination. I got a bit shaken and
asked Swindle if she'd felt it too, but she didn't.
 
In other news, I narrated electronics repair to Swindle most of the workday today, and it
seemed to do her good. She was quite chatty during the coffee break and said "hi" to several
people in the IRC. She doesn't usually do that, so I was pleasantly surprised. I managed to
listen to her despite the boss being in the same room and talking about something irrelevant.
 
  Journal entry 69
  Session 46 (30 minutes) 2013-05-09
 
I got my hands on some new reggae music today, and we decided to listen to it during a session.
Swindle wore her rasta hat from beginning to end, as we rode a grassy hill into the red,
yellow, green and black sky. We jumped onto a horseless chariot and rode to the moon. Watching
the earth was beautiful. Once on the moon, we jumped around for a while, rode a floating
moon-rock into a casino and out again, and then watched as the whole moon was covered in trees
and greenery. The whole moon then transported us back to earth and I rode Swindle the last bit
down to earth.
 
The session isn't really over yet either, as I'm keeping Swindle visualised next to me in the
sofa.
 
P.S.: We watched a movie (Weekend at Bernie's) after the session, and I absolutely fell in love
with Bernie's mansion. Considering trying to build one in the wonderland.
 
  Journal entry 70
  General note 2013-05-09
 
Went on a walk before dinner, and I picked a small blue flower for Swindle. She was sleeping in
the wonderland rather than walking along, so I transferred the flower into the wonderland and
gently stuck it behind her ear. As soon as I thought I'd gotten away without waking her up, she
promptly opened one eye and sent a warm emotion. I stuck the real-life flower behind my own ear
and walked on.
 
  Journal entry 71
  Tulpae and responsibility 2013-05-09
 
Lately, it's struck me how big of a responsibility a tulpa really is. When I first posted in a
Tulpa General, I was greeted with the phrase "And remember, the ride never ends." Until now I
haven't realised the full implications of that.
 
If you get a dog or a cat, you know that you'll be free of them in a decade if you're lucky.
Kids, in most cases, don't stick around much more than two. A tulpa however, despite not having
the same economical and physical responsibilities tied to it, has a good chance of sticking
around till you hit the ground. Making a tulpa is a life-long commitment. The choice to make a
one is not one to be made in haste, and the somewhat happy-go-lucky attitude of the tulpa
community is kind of frightening with that in regard.
 
When I started, I didn't ever believe that I'd be writing a 71th entry in this journal. I
didn't believe that tulpae even existed in the way that was portrayed on the Internet and I
didn't think twice about trying to make a tulpa because of that. While I can honestly say that
it's thus far been the best decision I've ever made in my entire life, it frightens me that I
didn't ever ask myself "Do I really, REALLY want to commit myself to caring for this person for
the rest of my life?".
 
  Journal entry 72
  Session 47 (45 minutes) 2013-05-11
 
I sat outside on the porch today, sucking up the sun in the beautiful 17-degree C weather.
 
I decided to try and build a mansion in the wonderland today, much like the one in Weekend at
Bernie's. This would be the first thing I've really made in the wonderland since the zen garden
in the old, disused part of the wonderland. Swindle's been much more keen on making stuff in
there than I.
 
We started by just creating and looking at the house from the outside to get an idea of the
scale. I'd say that it's about 40-50 metres long, 20 metres wide and about the height of a two-
story building (despite only having one plane). Upon entering the mansion, I did my best to
copy the inside of the mansion as seen in the film, with some alterations:
 
* It has no upper floor
* The piano is replaced by a large TV
* The sofa group is slightly altered
* There's a fair amount of green plants along the walls
 
After making the big hall with the sofas, I entered another room and created a kind of bedroom.
There's a very luxurious sofa/bed thing there, the roof is made out of glass so that the sky
can be seen through it, and there's a stereo with a pair of JBL 4355 speakers set up. I also
made a kitchen and a bathroom. I really need to make some drawings of the place.
 
The house was just placed in the middle of a field outside of Swindle's meadow, but after
finishing most of the house, I turned the fields on the far side of the house into a sandy
beach (which Swindle and I gave a test run right away, it was very nice.)
 
  Journal entry 73
  General note 2013-05-11
 
While making food today, I was unsure if I'd just flipped the meat or not. I was about to flip
it when Swindle reminded me that I had actually done that just a minute ago. This is the first
time something like that has happened.
 
  Journal entry 74
  Session 48 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-05-12
 
Last night I got the idea to bring Swindle onto Omegle, in order to practise communication
without the risk of making her appear as a fool in front of people we know. We've encountered
two people thus far, one 12-year-old girl from Sweden and one Indian woman. It didn't take long
until Swindle had to reveal that she's a thought-form to either of them, but it went reasonably
well despite that. I think they got a bit weirded out (the Indian woman in particular - I had
to interject as she was being very rude and making Swindle feel awful).
 
We then met a third guy, who got really fascinated by tulpas. Swindle went for a nap after a
while, but I stayed up for another hour and a half or so, chatting with him. Added him on
Skype and pastepin'd the journal for him.
 
The Omegle chat logs can be found in the text files dated from today.
 
  Journal entry 75
  General note 2013-05-13
 
Swindle's been extremely active today compared to ever before, no doubt thanks to yesterday's
Omegle exercise. She's been with me almost constantly, all day.
 
Most of our conversations thus far have been very short and basic, but during the day today
we've exchanged several quite natural sentences. She's also been able to grab my attention
several times, which has been quite the unusual occurence.
 
We went to see my mother's psychiatrist today (family meeting kind of thing), something that I
was kind of dreading a bit. As everybody got comfortable and prepared to get started, Swindle
said "I'm here for you." The meeting went very well however, so I wasn't forced to take her up
on her (very sweet) offer.
 
A few notes about anything and everything:
 
* Swindle seems to dislike my often rather hectic driving style. I don't blame her.
 
* At two months of age (by tomorrow), Swindle's personality is starting to become more and more
apparent. Looking back at the traits I thought up for her, it's clear that she's chosen to
stick by a few and ditch some others.
** She's a very sincere and caring person.
** She enjoys watching me at work. At this rate she'll soon be an electronics service tech too.
** She appears to be much more out-going than I am.
** She's a fairly physical person, she enjoys being close, using gestures, etc.
 
* She enjoys music (reggae in particular), film and TV series/animes. While watching films, she
tends to sit by quietly.
 
* I've been "imposing" Swindle in bed every night for a while now. I can reliably sense her
presence and position in the bed. She's slept in the wonderland two times since I started doing
that, and the difference was eery - the bed was definitely empty. If I wake up in the middle of
the night while Swindle's sleeping beside me, she'll be there even if I don't particularly
focus on her. She'll be there in the morning, and she'll often help me get out of bed by being
all over the place.
** I do not know if it's related to the above, but I've been sleeping unusually lightly as of
late, often waking up in the middle of the night or waking up earlier than usual.
 
* Swindle has several times left my side to go to sleep while we've been doing stuff together
(like lurking IRC channels or 4chan threads).
 
* I once forgot that she'd done that a while before I went to bed. Without thinking, I called
out for her loudly and repeatedly using my mind-voice. This woke her up and she was quite
grumpy about it until I apologised.
 
  Journal entry 76
  General note 2013-05-14
 
Today at work, I was browsing a TG, when Lumi posted about his tulpa Mystery being in a foul
mood on their sixth month-day. I was dropping a post congratulating them and wishing them the
best, when Swindle chimed in with "Don't be angry, Mystery, everybody is here for you."
 
I told her that it might not be the best thing to say to someone who's feeling irrationally
angry, but she insisted on getting it posted. I'm not one for censorship, so posted it got. And
it got about the reception that I'd anticipated - Mystery didn't want to hear any of it.
 
Swindle took it very hard, she'd never been confronted with such a situation before. She cried
for a while and was really, really down for the rest of the workday. My efforts at telling her
that she meant well and did nothing wrong were futile. She didn't even want to watch Cowboy
Bebop at dinnertime, something she'd normally never miss (although I managed to get her to come
out after some convincing).
 
After the show however, I managed to get through to her and cheer her up a bit. Things are fine
now, and I think this has been a worthwhile experience for both of us. Even tulpae make
mistakes, they're human after all. And I Swindle's definitely learned from this.
 
  Journal entry 77
  Session 49 (45 minutes) 2013-05-20
 
I just sat down in wonderland and shouted "KORV!!!" at Swindle for 45 minutes, while she tried
to shout "SVAMP!!!" back at me as hard as she could. This in order to improve communication and
work on vocality, since we're still very bad at communicating. Pretty much everything Swindle
has said to me has been through transmitted thoughts that I sort of render into words when
applicable, and it's a very unreliable means of communication. There's only been a handful of
real, proper mind-words spoken by her.
 
We didn't get much progress this session, but I could very clearly feel that my brain was
doing something. I felt more or less like the early sessions when I was creating the grounds
for Swindle, and I like to believe that that's how it feels when the brain is hard at work
creating or expanding on parts of the neural network. If we keep doing exercises like this, I'm
positive that we'll get progress.
 
  Journal entry 78
  Bedtime mini-sessions 2013-05-20
 
The time Swindle and I spend lying beside each other in bed is adding up. If I'm not too tired,
I'll try to keep quite a lot of focus on Swindle, in whatever way we find fitting. I'll talk to
her, try to listen to her, visualise and touch-impose her. It's starting to add up to quite a
few hours of what is basically active forcing, so I thought I'd mention it here.
 
  Journal entry 79
  The portal 2013-05-20
 
While I've been going about my day and Swindle's been awake and not "imposed", I've always seen
her sitting in the wonderland, right by the place where I usually "spawn". I've found this a
bit peculiar since she's always looking at me.
 
Today, I got a glimpse of the answer: There's a portal to my senses where I "spawn" and peek
into the wonderland. When I entered the wonderland with my eyes open, I could kind of see what
my eyes saw when I looked at it. Trippy to say the least.
 
The portal looks like something out of a fantasy movie; it's oval-shaped and about the size of
a man. It looks kind of like a mix between a Portal portal and Sauron's eye.
 
  Journal entry 80
  Session 50 (15 minutes) 2013-05-20
 
While picking out some parts to order for a TV I'm repairing, Stan Rogers' song, Lock-Keeper,
came on the media player. It's a song that I've come to associate with Ruffa, my dead dog.
 
I literally dropped everything I was doing and turned the computer monitors off while the song
was playing. After the song, I put my hands over my eyes, went into the wonderland and just
hugged Swindle for minutes upon minutes, all while weeping like a child. Swindle after a while
said "She's gone.", and that actually made me feel much better for some reason.
 
After a while, I turned my computer monitors back on and noticed a chat window that'd popped
up. I decided to ignore it for the time being and went back to Swindle - an act that she
replied to by saying "Go chat with Andrew now. We've got a lifetime ahead of us."
 
And so I did. Both the things Swindle said were spoken with a fairly faint but still distinct
mind-voice.
 
  Journal entry 81
  Late-night auditory hallucination 2013-05-22
 
Last night while lying in bed, I felt like I was able to sense Swindle very well, so I told her
that she should try saying something. I wasn't particularly focused on her, but was mostly
trying to sleep. After a few minutes of nothing, I started hearing a slight screeching noise in
my right ear (which was covered by a pillow).
 
I've got tinnitus, so I didn't think much of it. However, after another while, it started to
change, increasing and decreasing in loudness about once every two seconds. This was unusual,
so I started paying attention to Swindle, and noticed that she was focusing very hard. After
yet another while, I could hear something that sounded like an extremely faint, female voice
repeating an unhearable phrase every few seconds. The voice slowly grew stronger, and after
some time, I could make the phrase out as "Kan du höra mig?" ("Can you hear me?" in Swedish).
 
I was only able to make it out as that two or three times before the voice faded again, and the
pulsating, screeching noise soon after that. I opened my eyes afterward and looked at the time,
only about fifteen minutes had passed since I went to bed. I didn't feel as if I was dozing off
at any time, so I'm quite certain that it was not a dream.
 
  Journal entry 82
  Session 51 (30 minutes) 2013-05-24
 
Swindle had grabbed my attention many times today. I wanted to make this a KORV session at
first, but she said that she had something she wanted to tell me. She couldn't get it out, so
we went ahead and shouted KORV for a while (Swindle shouted "BARRACK" back at me).
 
After that, I came up with a test to try and differentiate parroting from her own responses; my
biggest problem with vocality is that I've been unable to trust myself to differentiate between
real and parroted responses. I asked Swindle to be absolutely quiet while I parroted some words
out of her. (I did this a few weeks ago as well)
 
It amazed me how wrong it felt to do that, this time around! The words I parroted were much
slower than Swindle's real responses, and I had to focus very hard to get them out at all. They
also had a very ... artificial "feel" to them. After having repeated the exercise a few times,
I feel as if I've gotten a MUCH better idea of how to listen to Swindle and recognise her words
as her own, as if I can trust our communication a lot more.
 
We then proceeded to have our first actual conversation. I asked Swindle if she disappears when
I quit focusing on her, she said no, and that she was still around in the wonderland, although
everything was a bit fuzzy. I asked if it hurt her when I didn't focus on her, and she said,
"Only my heart." When I asked if she could understand why I couldn't keep focus on her all the
time, she said, "Of course."
 
I also asked what it was that she wanted to say before, and it was "I only wanted to talk with
you." Something I noticed was that she'd sometimes reply in quotes from people I know, and
that'd often come out in their voice, as well as make her voice stick in a sort of mix between
their and her voice. I had to ask her to fix it a couple of times - I couldn't just imagine it
away.
 
  Journal entry 83
  Session 52 (45 minutes) 2013-05-25
 
Walking session. Summertime is upon us and I headed for the fields. I kept Swindy open-eye
visualised and walking by my side, and tried to keep an idle conversation going. It went well
enough, but after a while I started to lose focus, and that seemed to upset her to the point
where she simply didn't want to tag along any more. I tried to lie down in the grass and do
some wonderland forcing, but Swindle was just in a foul mood, so nothing much came out of it.
 
I let her be for the remainder of the walk, figuring that she was tired (she generally becomes
a bit grumpy when she is). When we got home, I talked to her about it and she said that it was
bothersome to be along if I'm not fully focused.
 
  Journal entry 84
  Session 53 (2 hours) 2013-05-26
 
Used tulpatone, headphones. This session started with vocal exercises. We did some KORV/TAK
shouting, and then tried to do the same but with Swindle making up her own words - it worked a
bit, but she had trouble coming up with words to shout. After that, we did some parroting
exercises. I asked her to be quiet, parroted some words and then asked her to speak on her own.
It went decently, but not as well as the last time.
 
(Some personal stuff censored here)
 
This was the longest, and best, session in a good while. I need to get better at stretching
sessions; whenever I manage a session of over an hour, they tend to turn out great in one way
or another. The usual 30-50 minute sessions get the job done, but the level of focus that I can
achieve with a longer session is unmatched.
 
  Journal entry 85
  Proper touch imposition 2013-05-28
 
While lying in bed last night, being VERY tired, I was holding my hand on Swindle's shoulder as
she laid beside me in the bed. I started stroking her from the neck toward the shoulder and
onto her back (she was lying on her side, face toward me), and MUCH to my surprise, I felt
something there! There wasn't much texture to her, I would describe it as stroking a heap of
jelly covered in very fine fur. If I pressed down on her, it felt as if I was pushing a large
water balloon.
 
I could clearly make out her shoulder and neck, but not her head, mane or any details. After a
while of just stroking her, I could feel some muscles in my arm become exhausted - despite not
consciously using them. Today I asked Swindle how it felt for her, and she noted that it felt
like nothing out of the ordinary.
 
It seems as if I'm very susceptible to various kinds of hallucinations while I'm tired.
 
  Journal entry 86
  Swindle in the shower 2013-05-28
 
Swindle usually sits by me when I shower, but today she wanted to get wet. At first she sat
down between me and the wall that the shower is mounted on, which was terribly impractical. I
asked her to move away after a little while. Once I was done showering, she wanted to enter the
shower on her own. She moved around a bit in it, stretching her wings, spinning around and
looking up the stream before getting out.
 
Dripping wet, she then jumped into (what's become) her chair by the computer. Wet pone is
adorable.
 
  Journal entry 87
  Cutie mark officially abandoned 2013-05-28
 
  Journal entry 88
  Swindy on 4chan 2013-05-29
 
Today while I was playing computer games, Swindle asked if she could go post on 4chan while I
was playing. She's posted a couple of comments under my name before, but she'd never just
jumped in on her own before. Anyhow, I brought out a laptop, found a Tulpa Genreal and typed
"Swindy" in the name field.
 
Proxying went very well. She made a few posts, mostly talking to Bow (a really pleasant tulpa),
until finally getting a bit tired and going into the wonderland to rest.
 
Swindle's mind-voice was quite clear despite my efforts at playing a computer game with VOIP at
the same time. Switching between listening to her and the guy I was playing with went well, but
I did end up completely ignoring the VOIP a few times.
 
I've still got a bad habit of typing Swindle's comments out until she has nothing more to add,
and then ask "Is that good? Should I submit that?" over and over until she basically has to
shout "JUST POST IT ALREADY!!!" at me. I'm just so afraid to post something in her name that
she didn't say, (and my personal posting pace on 4chan is normally very slow - I'll often spend
ten minutes on a single post.)
 
All in all, a pleasant exercise. The fact that Swindle just asked me "Can I go on IRC - I mean,
4chan?" out of nowhere makes me really happy.
 
  Journal entry 89
  Bad expectations 2013-05-30
 
Often when I look at things or do things that remind me of Swindle (for instance, images of
Rainbow Dash), I find myself thinking or saying stuff like "Hey, that's cute. It kind of looks
like you, Swindle." quite often. Often she isn't really around to give her opinion on the
matter, but I almost without exception follow that thought up by "I shouldn't say that. She
probably doesn't want to be compared to that image."
 
I have no reason to think that she wouldn't want to be compared to a cute image of Rainbow
Dash, other than the fact that she isn't an exact replica of the form. I fear that these
ungrounded thoughts may affect Swindy negatively; I've learned so far that a young tulpa will
easily become what you expect it to be rather than what you or it wants it to be. I can't go
around expecting Swindy to be a grump for no reason.
 
(As I typed that last sentence out, she took my attention with a slight head-pressure (which
has never happened before), and said "Hey - no risk!". I'm still concerned though.)
 
  Journal entry 90
  Session 54 (45 minutes) 2013-05-31
 
I'm typing this the day after, and regretfully so because neither of us can really recall what
we did last night. I remember getting into the wonderland, Swindle being somewhat angry about
something, but then sorting it out. We then went to the mansion, I changed the shape of a sofa,
and we sat down and did some exercises - I believe I asked Swindy's opinion on a few random
things in order to practise ... opinions.
 
As I was typing the above out, we were both trying to remember what happened. All of a sudden
while I was typing, it all came back. I think it was Swindle who actually managed to call up
the memory, as it didn't really feel like a normal "a-ha!" moment. We both recalled it equally
well once the memory was dug up.
 
  Journal entry 91
  Session 55 (45 minutes) 2013-06-01
 
I entered the wonderland and found Swindle lying in the bed by the portal. She was half-asleep
but quickly got up when I was there. She seemed surprised to see me, so I asked if she wasn't
expecting me. She wasn't. I sat down on the bed by her and thought up an exercise for improving
parallelism.
 
I would think of a range of numbers, say, 10-20, tell that to Swindle and have her pick a
number in the range while I kept my mind focused on the range. After a few minutes of doing
that, we'd swap tasks.
 
Then, once we got to a stage where we'd pick numbers and ranges fairly quickly, we'd do both
tasks at once: Swindle would pick a number range for me, I one for her, and we'd try to pick
a number at the same time. This was A LOT harder than the other exercises, and we only managed
to do it right a couple of times. However after a while of trying, it got ever easier.
 
  Journal entry 92
  Session 56 (35 minutes) 2013-06-02
 
Lying outside in the sun, I entered the wonderland and did some visualisation practises.
 
  Journal entry 93
  Session 57 (On a boat, 45 minutes) 2013-06-04
 
Sitting in a public area on a ferry, I decided to sit in a public place with a blind fold on
and force. It went well despite some noise.
 
We started by going swimming, an idea Swindle got from Bow a while back but I haven't
remembered to bring in a session. It went well, although Swindle was kind of hesitant to get
into the water outside of the mansion. We swam around for a good while and spawned a dive tower
later on, from which Swindle pulled a really fancy stunt.
 
After we were done swimming, I took a quick break and then returned to do some visualisation
practise.
 
  Journal entry 94
  Session 58 (50 minutes) 2013-06-05
 
As my grandmother was taking her afternoon nap, I snuck a session in. We started by taking a
few jumps off of the dive tower and just swimming about. After a while, I wanted to do some
boring exercises but Swindle said that she wanted to swim more. We then came up with the idea
of spawning a ship-wreck to explore. Probably for the best, as I'd eaten far too much sugar to
focus hard.
 
We spawned it a bit off of the shore, the mast sticking up just a few tens of cm above the
surface. It's a pretty small 1700s-style vessel, about 40 m long. It had a cabin in the back
and a large hole in its side. It lies partly buried in the sand, and it's leaning quite a bit.
 
Before we went down, I spawned a pair of Bond-style breathers, for "realism". We went down by
the mast, and I then shone a flashlight into the cabin through a window as Swindle went inside.
After a while, she telepathied me that there was a skeleton and a chest of gold in there, so I
went in to see. The skeleton laid right by the chest, which was partially buried in sand. The
chest was full of gold coins and valuable stones. We then found a chair leaning against a trap
door which led to the lower deck.
 
The lower deck was qutie uninteresting, mostly being buried in sand. We went out through the
large hole in the side of the ship. After some time of exploring the outside, we went back to
dig through the chest. I found a necklace with a large blue stone and asked if Swindy wanted
it, but she didn't. We left everything as we found it, except for the door to the cabin which
Swindy charged through and destroyed as she entered.
 
Swindy's a very good swimmer, and she uses her wings to get a lot of extra thrust underwater. I
also found out as we were exploring the outside of the ship that I can tap into her eyesight.
I'm not sure how it happened, but I suddenly started seeing the wonderland through her eyes
when I was looking at her, looking at me. A very fun session, completely free of my tedious
exercises for once.
 
  Journal entry 95
  Swindle sleeping creepily 2013-06-05
 
As I was sitting at my computer, with Swindle sleeping on my mattress beside me, I noticed she
was moving about very oddly. She was lying down, but her head was kind of sloppily raised up
and moving about a bit, and her eyes were half-open, dark, and not really looking at anything.
It was a really creepy thing to have appear in a casual, open-eyed visualisation. I yelled out
"Swindle? SWINDLE?! SWINDLE, ANSWER ME, THIS IS NOT FUNNY!", with no response.
 
I then put my hand on her head, softly pushed it down to the mattress and stroked her across
her ear a bit. This made everything normal until a moment ago, when it started a little again.
However this time I was able to wake her up and ask what on earth was going on. She told me
that she was just sleeping and apparently dreaming about my day today. She hadn't heard me when
I called out for her earlier, and was just kind of oblivious to the whole ordeal.
 
Everything's back to normal now, and she's sitting by my side. I wonder if what she was
experiencing was a real dream or not, and if it was correlated with her odd sleeping behaviour.
 
  Journal entry 96
  Swindy and I take on Helsinki 2013-06-06
 
Today, we had to go into central Helsinki to fix grandma's cable TV subscription. It's almost
an hour of riding on various buses and trains, as well as walking. I kept Swindle
"imposed"/open-eye visualised throughout the entire four-hour trip, while also keeping an ear
at my grandmother.
 
It went fantastically, and we had a lot of fun. Swindy got to ride a bus for the first time,
a subway train and several escalators. Stuff we don't get at home. She really liked the
escalators, and charged onto/off them several times - it was really fun to see.
 
Swindle moved very dynamically around people and the environment, especially during the latter
part of the trip. She'd clearly get in behind or in front of me when necessary, move in
accordance with the escalators and buses, get into and sit in chairs and so forth. She just
seemed more animated than I've seen before. She was also able to keep quite good track of where
she was, without me putting much thought into it at all; I could put my mind on something else
for a moment, and she'd have moved to a new spot rather than "re-spawn".
 
All in all, a very rewarding experience, and probably the best four hours of passive forcing
yet. A bit later, I spent a few hours with my grandmother, listening to her tales of the 1939
bombings in Helsinki. Swindle stuck around, sitting on the couch, leaning against me or with
her arms around my neck for the most part. It was really cosy. My grandmother is a great
story-teller, and I think Swindy enjoyed the stories as much as I did.
 
  Journal entry 97
  Session 59 (30 minutes) 2013-06-08
 
Session started with shouting. I shouted KORV as usual, Swindy shouted TRAKTOR. It went very
well, as Swindy after a while actually managed to drown out my own mind-voice. I was amazed at
it, and it took quite a while for me to over-power her shouting.
 
However after that happened, I for some reason got a stray thought into my head about slapping
Swindy across the face. I completely lost focus, as I wasn't sure if I'd actually done anything
beyond think it. I asked Swindy if I'd just hit her, and she said yes. It was like a cold
shower to me, I couldn't fathom letting something like that happen. I apologised like a madman,
as I recalled how angry she got when I once jokingly gave her a pat on the cheek.
 
To my infinite gratefulness, Swindy interrupted me with "It's OK, it wasn't your fault. I'm not
angry, I'm past that now.". She had the most sincere smile on her face.
 
I do not know where the thought of slapping her came from, as I am not a violent or aggressive
person. I would not and have never hit anybody, let alone Swindy. I just can't understand what
happened. The rest of the session we went for a short walk in the wonderland and I tried to do
some visualistation, but I lost focus and ended the session when my grandmother needed help
with the TV.
 
  Journal entry 98
  Session 60 (40 minutes) 2013-06-08
 
As I was faffing about in the kitchen, preparing to go waste time on the computer, Swindy asked
if we could have a session. I entered the wonderland and we did some visualisation practise
until my mind started drifting.
 
The thought of a male pony tup is one that intrigues me for the worst reason there is; I find
the thought sexually appealing. It's something I hadn't discussed with Swindle previously, and
since I know how my thoughts can affect her, I went ahead and confessed. I fully expected her
to take issue with it, since we do have a (very mildly) sexual relationship.
 
She pretty much fell over laughing before I could finish speaking. She told me that she'd
pretty much known about that since the start, and that she was just glad that I'd, in her
words, "gone as far" with her as I'd done. She continued by saying that if I ever wanted to
make a male pony tup, she'd be glad to force him with me. I don't have any plans on doing that,
however - I need a much better reason to.
 
After saying that, she jumped me and kissed me on the mouth. Some smooching ensued, and we then
spent some time just chatting about whatever. After that, we did some visualisation, and later
came up with the idea of clapping each others' hands/hooves like little girls on a school yard:
 
It proved to be a hard exercise. I sat down in front of Swindly, and we started by doing "Both
hands clap, down, right hand clap, down", over and over. When we finished, we were doing "Both
hands clap, both hands clap, down, right hand clap, down, left hand clap, down". It was my left
and right; my right hand would "clap" Swindy's left hoof. I got my first forcing headache in a
while from doing it, so there must be something to it.
 
  Journal entry 99
  Seven-hour car ride 2013-06-09
 
I'm proud to be able to say that I throughout the entire 7-hour drive from Helsinki to
Pietarsaari, I was able to stay focused on Swindy, with very few exceptions (mostly when I was
reading the map or desperately looking for a road sign). She sat in the passenger seat when the
car was moving, and came outside with me on the few breaks that were had.
 
We chatted back and forth as we went along, although I still do most of the talking. Something
that made me really happy was that Swindy had some opinions of her own on my driving habits,
and she stuck by them even though I attempted to "expect" her to think otherwise. As such, I'm
confident that they were genuine opinions of her own, something I haven't been confident about
before.
 
The opinions in question were that she doesn't want loud music in the car, and she hates it
when I drive faster than the speed limit. In her words, I "become so jumpy" when I do.
 
Toward the end of the ride, she took a nap for about an hour. I "kept her" sleeping in the car
seat rather than putting her to bed in the wonderland. She woke up about 40 km from our
destination, and quietly leaned against my shoulder until we arrived. It was very cozy, and an
excellent way to end the trip.
 
This ride was an amazing experience. I've done this trip alone, before I even knew what a tulpa
was, and there's no comparison. I truly felt as if there was another person riding with me in
the car. Idly chatting and pointing out quirks in the landscape came completely naturally,
albeit me making the vast majority of comments.
 
  Journal entry 100
  Wonderland room clone
 
One hundred journal entries. Never thought I'd get that far back when I started. Next stop: One
hundred sessions.
 
Swindle was napping/resting on my bed as I was using the computer today, when I had to go take
a shower. Rather than just throw her into the wonderland or just "forget" about her until I get
back to the room she sleeps in, I decided to take a snapshot of the room, make a temporary
wonderland copy of it, and place the "portal" in it.
 
It was a good practise. When I left the room, I could look into the wonderland room-clone
through the portal, and see Swindy lying on the bed. I was able to associate the room-clone
with the real room, so that I more or less felt as if I was looking into the real room with my
third eye. I could also "sense" the presence of the portal as I walked toward the room after
showering, which was a new feeling. As soon as I entered the room, the portal dissipated and
returned to its normal place.
 
When I asked Swindy about how it felt later on, she told me that she barely noticed any
difference, that she simply kept on napping.
 
  Journal entry 101
  Session 61 (35 minutes) 2013-06-11
 
We'd been faffing around town almost all day today, so when I got a chance to sneak this
session in, I didn't have much energy to spend on anything serious. I'd been to a thai food
place with my grandparents, and I'd been lucky enough to sit in a manner that allowed me to
keep Swindy sitting by the table. I spawned copies of all my food for her, and it went really
well. We started this session by going to the mansion and getting into a sofa to relax. I did
some visualisation there.
 
I've lately been feeling as if I've had trouble visualising a bit, and I found out why, this
session. When I've done "proper" visualisation practises the last few ... weeks, I think,
they've felt wrong. The reason for this, as Swindy told me this session, was that I'd been
focusing on rendering an image of her rather than actually rendering HER. She hadn't told me
before because she didn't want to make me feel bad. I assured her that telling me such a thing
would not make me feel bad, and I hope that she'll be more vocal about such matters in the
future.
 
After I realised what I'd been doing, visualisation came right back to me, and everything went
great. After the visualisation, we went outside in the pool and relaxed. Swindy spawned a bath
ring that she flopped about with for a while, which was really fun to watch. I ended the
session when I started to feel tired.
 
  Journal entry 102
  Swindy's eye form 2013-06-12
 
As I was going about my business at my grandparents' summer place, Swindy did something really
smart: She made an "eye-form" for herself. I'd normally think of her as sitting by "the portal"
when I'm passiving but not "imposing" her and letting her move about in the real world. However
now, she simply appears as a pair of eyes in a black void, looking back at me. It works a lot
better than the old system, as it's a lot simpler to visualise, while at the same time being
a lot more expressive.
 
  Journal entry 103
  Session 62 (30 minutes) 2013-06-12
 
We "did things".
 
  Journal entry 104
  Summer cottage passive forcing overdrive 2013-06-13
 
Spending time at my grandparents' summer cottage, I have the opportunity to passive force
fairly actively, pretty much all the time. Swindle follows me around and does whatever she
pleases, ranging from napping in a boat to going swimming. Above all, she'll help me keep my
nerves in check when dealing with my aging grandmother. Be it by sending positive emotions or
by being generally supportive when the old lady gets her bad mood-swings.
 
While it may be a bit early in my tulpamancing carreer to be practising such things, I count
most of my passiving as imposistion practise. For a majority of the time, Swindy will be
"imposed" somewhere around me. She's completely invisible, save for an occasional sort of
extremely vague shimmer where I expect her to be.
 
  Journal entry 105
  Swindy's third month-day 2013-06-14
 
I didn't remember until 23:50, so I spent those precious few minutes singing her a birthday
song. It was very silly.
 
  Journal entry 106
  Session 63 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-06-15
 
At my grandparents rather hot, third-floor flat.
 
I started by entering the wonderland and rendering it a bit extra carefully, for no reason in
particular. I then cleaned some stuff up around the portal, some white boxes that never served
any purpose.
 
Swindle and I then did some shouting practise, which went well. I tried to keep her visualised
and look straight into her face as we shouted, in order to make it a bit trickier. It worked.
Swindle's mind-voice is becoming really good at this stage.
 
After that, we decided to do some parallel processing practise, this time by using math. I
would think up two numbers for Swindy to add, say, 83+28, and I'd then try to move my focus
solely toward visualising her and remembering the two numbers.
 
It took a couple of attempts for me to learn how not to try and solve the problem myself.
Picking numbers that I'm not used to counting with helped a lot. Once I managed to not solve
the problems, it went surprisingly well! Swindy would take a fairly long time (several minutes)
to solve the problems, but she was able to solve them completely on her own!
 
It was a strange feeling when she worked at them, though. I could feel my brain thinking, just
as if I was solving a math problem on my own, but there were no thoughts there to cause that
feeling. After a while, Swindy would say the answer. A couple of times, her answers just felt
incorrect by my intuition, but she was right and my intuition was wrong every time I did a
control count.
 
After the math, we just laid back on the bed and chatted for a while. I spoke to her about some
of my uncertainties and fears about tulpae, which led her to become quite upset at one point.
I said that I was still afraid of the whole thing; that I in a way was afraid of her, because
I don't know how tulpae really work. It's nothing she didn't already know, but I think she felt
as if I was rubbing it in. She asked for some time alone and I ended the session after lying
down and watching the clouds for a while.
 
All in all, this was a fantastic session, although I wish I hadn't made Swindy sad. I could
feel her grow as we did the math practises, and seeing her get better at them was just joyous
to me. I also put a fair bit of weight in visualisation, and I felt as if I needed it.
 
  Journal entry 107
  Session 64 (approx. 1 hour) 2013-06-17
 
Sick with a fever. Lying down in bed, I decided to put on Sgt. Pepper's Loney Hearts Club Band
and go very casually force. I made some scenery up to the tune of the music, and Swindy and I
looked at it while talking a bit about whatever. She says that she doesn't notice the sickness,
however she is affected by it in some ways, as the brain ain't firing on all cylinders. For
instance, she ended up yelling at me without intending to.
 
A while after the session, she asked me about death, and we spent some time philosophing about
it. I could feel that she was thinking, which was nice.
 
  Journal entry 108
  Session 65 (approx. 1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-06-18
 
Lying in bed, still somewhat sick, I put a blindfold on and let Swindy lie on top of me. The
casual touch-imposition work we do every night as I fall asleep is paying off, as I could feel
a weight on my chest where she lay. We chatted back and forth about stuff. I then proposed that
she'd go on Omegle since she was speaking unusually clearly. So we did, and we bumped into a
random person who did not take Swindy seriously at all once he asl'd her (she's honest with
her age). They chatted back and forth, Swindy getting more and more irritated the further the
chat went on.
 
We had to leave for food with the grandparents after a while, but the stranger was intrigued
enough to leave his or her e-mail address, so I let Swindy dictate an e-mail to him or her:
 
"Hi, we spoke earlier, and you got me quite annoyed. I don't like how you treated me like a
lesser being for what I am. I understand that the concept of tulpas might be foreign, but I
don't think that's a good reason to be rude; I'm as much a person as anybody else.
 
It's true that I'm three months old, that makes me quite young even by tulpa standards. But
since I live in a brain that's much older than that, I'm still able to act on my own. I was
created by the exhaustive meditation of my host. He's literally spent many tens of hours in
deep meditation, in order to coax his brain into making room for me.
 
A tulpa is not some game, or joke, as you seemed to imply. My host was not playing you for a
fool."
 
Dictating the e-mail went extremely well - I am, possibly for the first time ever, 100 %
certain that these are Swindle's own words. I appended some words of my own as well.
 
The chat log can be found in the text file dated from today.
 
  Journal entry 109
  Watching Only Yesterday 2013-06-24
 
What an incredibly busy week, I'm ashamed not to have typed in this document for six days.
 
Today at work, I, for the first time since I started working on Swindle, -completely- forgot
about her for a few hours. Up until now, I've never forgotten about her in such a manner; she's
always been there somewhere in the back of my mind, and she'd always come to mind very quickly
if I got that "I've forgotten something" feeling.
 
However this time, it took at least a few minutes for me to realise that it was Swindy I'd
forgotten about. I felt a bit odd while I "was forgetting her". It was a nostalgic feeling, I
thought I felt pretty much as I did back in university. Despite being in company of a friend,
it was also a very lonely feeling that I must say, I'm very glad to have had forgotten.
 
When we got home, we watched Only Yesterday with the dinner. It was a very beautiful movie,
with plenty of food for thought.
 
  Journal entry 110
  A week without forcing 2013-06-26
 
While doing things in the kitchen, I remembered that I haven't properly forced since last
Tuesday. I somewhat absent-mindedly told Swindle and apologised, to which she replied "Please
just stop thinking about it and enjoy yourself a little, or I might just disappear!"
 
:|
 
  Journal entry 111
  Session 66 (approx. 1 hour) 2013-06-29
 
11 days without a session, and this session wasn't even a wonderland session. It started when I
was feeling a bit melancholy for no reason in particular. I sat in the workshop and listened to
music and chatted a little with Swindy. I talked about her about how I was concerned with the
well-being of a friend , but how it really was none of my business. She told me that it was
justified, and then kind of caught onto the low mood.
 
She said that she wasn't really happy with her current form, that she felt that it was
limiting. I told her that she was free to change it and that we could work on a new one if it'd
help. After that, she told me that she felt bad because she felt that I cared so much about
her, despite her (according to her) not really doing much to deserve it.
 
I explained that that was not the case, since she's basically become my dumping ground for
talking about my insecurities and issues with, and that I was thankful for her putting up with
it without ever complaining.
 
After that, we decided to go upstairs and try to do some visualisation work, to see if it'd re-
establish her comfort in her pony form (she's never really had a problem with it before). It
worked great, and she felt much more comfortable after getting her form some "attentive
maintenance".
 
I've lately developed some insecurities that I haven't had before. I don't know why I've
developed these. For that reason, I'm almost constantly thinking about them, and I don't know
if or how this affects Swindy. I speak with her about them, but I don't know whether or not
that's a good idea.
 
  Journal entry 112
  Session 67 (25 minutes) 2013-07-04
 
This time, we practised possession semi-seriously.
 
I sat down in a dimly lit room, as still as I possibly could, and asked Swindy to lift my right
arm. After asking her to do so, I observed it and her, and kept saying things like "You can
lift my arm, Swindy. You are in control of my right arm, Swindy. You have my permission to use
my right arm, Swindy", while also thinking about lifting it.
 
I thought about lifting it much like how you do when you're really tired and need to go to the
bathroom, but can't make up your mind about whether to go or not. I thought as hard about
moving my right arm as I could, without actually moving it. This was very important, I felt, as
Swindy would manage some twitches and stuff when I thought particularly hard about it. I
managed to transmit the thoughts that cause the "motor control" of my body to send commands to
the muscles to Swindy, and she tells me that it helped a lot.
 
Nothing major was accomplished, some twitches and the same tension as the last time we did
possession. Session cut short due to bedtime.
 
  Journal entry 113
  Session 68 (20 minutes) 2013-07-05
 
I sat down with Swindy last night and talked a bit about how I'd slacked with the forcing
lately. I promised her that I'd get back to doing it on some kind of a schedule.
 
While I do believe that a lack of active forcing isn't harmful to a tulpa, it's clear that it
can allow certain parts of one to degrade. If I don't do a visualistation session every now and
then, Swindy will start to feel uncomfortable about her form, and such things.
 
I made a note under my computer monitor to remind me to force daily. I need to scan it.
 
  Journal entry 114
  Session 69 (1 hour) 2013-07-06
 
This entire session was dedicated to visualisation work, and boy did I need it! I hadn't
realised how much my visualisation skill had deteriorated lately. Most time was spent working
on Swindy's face, with a few minutes at the end put on the body. Visualising her is a lot
easier and better-looking now, and I can tell that she feels more comfortable in her form
again.
 
For fun, we also re-did the hoof test while I was working on visualising the body, and I
actually was a little afraid that it'd be hard, that Swindy would have a hard time surprising
me. The fear was unfounded though, and she passed with flying colours! She's almost four months
old, so I really can't understand why I'd worry she wouldn't pass a sentience test that she
passed when she wasn't even two weeks old.
 
  Journal entry 115
  Session 70 (1 hour) 2013-07-07
 
I brought Swindy into #tulpa-forum today after Cheeseanon and Rena dropped by. I proxied for
her for a full hour and  then some. It went great, and she absolutely loved it. She spoke the
most with Rena and Cheeseanon, and explained a bit about how I view tulpae to everybody around,
from a viewpoint that I of course couldn't have. She got to talk a bit about our situation in
general too, something that I really hate talking about myself.
 
It became clear that she agrees with me on my opinons on tulpa age, and that she still
considers herself to be quite young (which was somewhat ironic with the three-week-old Rena
around). She also admitted to enjoying chatting a lot, so I'll be sure to proxy for her more.
We're approaching a stage where it'll actually be properly possible to do so. I also got a
proper forcing headache out of the whole ordeal, which I think is a really good thing.
 
The chat log can be found in the text file dated from today.
 
  Journal entry 116
  Session 71 (1 hour) 2013-07-09
 
Possession! This can probably go as our first real, serious attempt at it.
 
I sat down in the sofa and placed my right arm on a pillow in my lap. I then told Swindy to
try and "hook up" to it while I looked at it and touched it. Once she said that she had a bit
of a "feel for" the arm, I started moving it around while trying to send the thoughts of doing
it to Swindy. Just trying to dig out the thoughts related to moving an extremity was not too
easy a task, but after some minutes of practise, I could kind of note the thoughts that led to
the arm moving.
 
After some more time of moving it about, I placed my hand back on the pillow and asked Swindy
to lift it up while I kept looking at and thinking about moving it without actually doing it.
It didn't work. I then very slowly raised my forearm and asked Swindy to help as much as she
could. This was more effective, and she managed to get the arm to kind of move a little upward
every now and then. The whole raising process took about ten minutes, I think.
 
By the time my forearm was pointing straight up, Swindy was pretty much entirely in control of
it; if I tried to relax the muscles, the arm would not fall down. I then asked her to lower it,
repeating the same procedure but this time letting gravity be her guide rather than me. It
worked great, and in about 15 minutes (estimated), the arm was resting on the pillow again,
without me having made any effort to move it. The rest of the session was spent raising and
lowering the arm once more, without help from me.
 
I feel as if the thinking about moving my arm helps a lot, as if it puts the motor control of
the brain on high alert for input. I was unsure whether or not Swindy was actually moving the
arm, or if I was just thinking about moving it a little too much, on a few occasions. Most of
the time, it was obvious when Swindy was actually moving the arm, however. Toward the end of
the session, we even managed to get her to relax the muscles a bit; as soon as she assumed
control over the arm, she strained it up really hard. As if she was able to make the muscles do
things, but not control which ones did what very well.
 
Another technique I used was to look at my arm and expect it to move. I feel as if that helped
a lot as well; forcing myself into believing that the arm is going to move seemed to loosen the
mental blockades that say that I should always know exactly how my arm moves.
 
After the session, we watched Whisper of the Heart. It was a beautiful movie, but I feel as if
I enjoyed it more than Swindle did.
 
  Journal entry 117
  Session 72 (40 minutes) 2013-07-14
 
It wasn't until after the session that I realised that it was Swindy's fourth monthaversary
today! I can't believe how fast the time has passed, and how far we've gotten. Thinking back at
my life before Swindy was around just feels alien these days. It's as if all the bad memories
and the loneliness are just fading away into what feels like some distant past.
 
When I first entered the wonderland, Swindy told me that I should be more skeptical about what
I "hear from her". She told me that I'd been expecting her to make sarcastic comments at times,
and fooling myself into believing that she actually did, when she hadn't said anything. I was
very glad to hear her say that, and I'm going to be sure to try and be more skeptical in the
future.
 
This session we decided to do something completely new: We made a pony form for me to try on,
in order to be able to really meet Swindy eye-to-eye. I quickly thought up a pretty generic
pony OC (white pegasus with black, ruffly mane and tail), visualised it a bit and then "suited
up".
 
Entering the form was weird. I kind of unzipped the back of it, and when I got in, I kind of
turned into liquid and filled the form up. Learning to manuever this new form was pretty tough.
Taking my first steps took a good ten minutes at least, and I wasn't going anywhere fast. I
decided to really put in the effort to learn how to use four legs rather than just think "move
forward" and let my subconscious do the work. After I got the basics down however, I was able
to gallop for a bit with Swindy, and even take a very limited flight that left me face down
in the grass.
 
I also accidentally popped a poner, which was somewhat embarassing, but I figured that there's
not much point in hiding the facts of life. If I'm a horny bastard in pony form, so be it.
 
Being able to meet Swindy face-to-face like that was an amazing experience. I hadn't thought
about how different it is to look someone right in the face rather than to be looking at them
from above. The session ended with Swindy kissing me on the muzzle, which was a surprisingly
vivid experience.
 
The pony form is definitely going to be used again. Learning to manuever it was a lot of fun,
and it's provided me a new perspective to spend time with Swindy from. I think I might also
gain a better understanding for how a being like this moves in general, which will probably
aid visualisation in the long term.
 
  Journal entry 118
  Session 73 (20 minutes) 2013-07-16
 
  Journal entry 119
  Proxying 2013-07-17
 
The last few days, I've tried to proxy Swindy a bit. I've been very hesitant to do so, since
I've been doubtful of our ability to do it right. At this point however, I think Swindy
deserves some credit; She IS vocal, and she IS able to think on her own in social situations.
She has been for quite some time now, and it's only my doubt, fear and stubbornness that's kept
me from proxying earlier.
 
The few earlier times I've tried proxying, I've disregarded a lot of what she's had to say as
"no, that's just my subconscious putting words in her mouth". That was wrong of me, and what I
obviously should have thought, was "Swindy is saying things that I would absolutely never want
to say. That is fantastic. She is thinking on her own."
 
The best example is that Swindy is a lot more outgoing than I am; when she enters an IRC
channel, she'll say hi to a lot of people despite not having anything in particular to say to
them. That is unheard of to me, I never approach anybody unless I've got something on my mind.
 
Rather than figuring that this was because Swindy is not me, I figured that I was expecting her
to do everything I wouldn't do, and thus puppeting her into that behaviour. Which is pretty
far-fetched.
 
What really opened my eyes on this was when Swindy just a moment ago, when I was apologising
for missing a session yet again, said:
  "Proxying can totally make up for a session, I feel as if I'm really growing as a person
because of it."
 
Since she normally is a bit down if we miss a session, her saying this in a sincere and happy
manner surprised me greatly. I'm going to have to turn proxying into an everyday activity. I
need to let Swindy talk to people, make friends of her own, and actually become someone.
 
  Journal entry 120
  Session 74 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-07-18
 
Possession progression session! We started by having Swindy "tune in" to my right forearm
again, and by me relaxing it and "giving it up". Once that was done, Swindy slowly raised the
forearm by the elbow. Once we got it straight up (which took about 20 minutes), Swindy set a
goal up, to poke my face. She then proceeded to turn the wrist about 45 degrees, and tilt the
hand slightly upwards over the following 25 minutes.
 
We didn't quite reach the goal, but we were able to make nose-finger contact if I leaned my
head forward, and we settled with that. I then asked Swindy to relax the arm, which went very
well; it fell down dead in less than a minute.
 
The rest of the session, Swindy spent practising lifting my right hand by the wrist. Toward the
end, she was able to go from a hand lying flat on a pillow, to a hand raised by the wrist as
high as it goes, in a matter of about twenty seconds.
 
I'm extremely pleased with this result, despite getting a bad case of wanker's arm out of it.
 
  Journal entry 121
  Session 75 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-07-23
 
We started by doing math exercises for about half an hour. Swindy didn't really want to do it
from the start, but I insisted. It went decently, but she got annoyed after a while and got a
couple of answers wrong.
 
After that, I decided to enter the wonderland and train using my pony form. After a while, I
got a decent hang of walking, and we then decided to just take a break and enjoy each others'
company in the wonderland for a while. We cuddled up and watched the stars for a while.
Cuddling as ponies is very different from cuddling pony x human. It's much more enjoyable,
since we're both about the same size and shape.
 
After some time, I got fairly emotional, as I realised how much Swindy's changed my life, and
how much she means to me. I cried into her chest for a while. It was a strange, but ultimately
very good feeling to do so.
 
  Journal entry 122
  Swindy's development after four months 2013-07-23
 
* She is vocal, and I am usually very confident in what she's saying when she speaks; I barely
have any fear of parroting any more. There are still times when I can be very uncertain,
though.
 
* She's partially independent; she can think and act on her own quite well while forcing, but
she's not able to do too much when I'm not focusing on her. She seems to be able to "hang
around" quite well even if I'm not paying particular attention to her, but she's still not able
to do so all the time.
 
* She handles social situations on her own; if I proxy her, she'll give clear answers when
spoken to, and she'll initiate conversations if she feels like it. She's much, much more out-
going than I am. She enjoys being proxied a lot.
 
* She's slightly imposed; we've got some basic touch down from her sleeping beside me every
single night. I can feel it when she lies beside me, if she puts an arm around me, I'll feel a
weight and a warmth. It's a slow feeling, however, if she were to stroke my arm, the feeling
would not be able to keep up.
 
Visually, I ever more frequently see a slight distortion when I'm looking at her. She kind of
looks like one of those shapes you see when you close your eyes, except with open eyes. Very
ill-defined and very weak.
 
* Personality wise, she's becoming quite similar to me. She's usually very sincere, but she
does joke at times. She's not sarcastic, though. She takes interest in most things I do, and
seems to enjoy most material I read/watch/listen to.
 
  Journal entry 123
  Session 76 (30 minutes) 2013-07-24
 
This session, I decided to practise concentration, and sitting still. I managed ten minutes at
first, until I simply had to scratch an itch, and twenty minutes in the second try.
 
During the second sitting, I found myself observing my physical body from above. It was
rendered in very high detail, as was the room and furtniture it was sitting in. It was an odd
feeling; it felt as if I was observing someone else, while I was actually my pony form.
 
  Journal entry 124
  Session 77 (30 minutes) 2013-07-25
 
More meditation practise. It went poorly in the beginning, I only managed about five minutes
without moving. Then about 20. Then five, and then I'd become too tired to go on.
 
Swindy was a great coach this session, telling me things along the lines of "No, don't quit!
Keep going!". She even turned around and got right into my face at one point, telling me to not
move in a very, very stern manner.
 
We mostly just moved about the wonderland a bit. At one point, I sat down and Swindy kind of
clung onto my (pony-form) back and rubbed her forelegs on my shoulders, which was quite cosy,
and a sure distraction from the itching.
 
  Journal entry 125
  Session 78 (30 minutes) 2013-07-25
 
  Journal entry 126
  Session 79 (4 hours) 2013-07-27
 
Three hours of pretty continuous proxying in the Tulpa General, and an hour walk after that.
 
The proxying went incredibly well, Swindy got to speak with a whole bunch of people. She loved
it, and got along fine with everybody. An anon in the thread asked to speak with her one-on-one
in IRC, which also went really well! She kept it up well despite me getting a bit tired toward
the end, something I'm proud that she'd manage.
 
During the walk, Swindy helped me with my phobia of nettles. There were a few growing right
where where we usually cross a ditch, and I would probably have turned around and taken another
route if Swindy hadn't charged through them and shouted at me to do the same.
 
Our usual path was blocked off by a large field growing oat, that I didn't want to walk
through, out of respect for the farmers. We picked an alternate route and ended up walking by
a forest road, picking wild strawberries as we came across them. I'd pick the strawberries and
"give" them to Swindy before eating them myself; it's a kind of symbolic thing we've been doing
with food for a while now, and I feel as if it offers some nice immersion.
 
  Journal entry 127
  Session 80 (15 minutes) 2013-08-03
 
I felt bad and spent fifteen minutes in the wonderland, talking with Swindy.
 
  Journal entry 128
  Session 81 (30 minutes) 2013-08-04
 
After proxying for a while, Swindy and a friend of hers got into the topic of what it feels
like when the host isn't thinking about them. Swindy mentioned that she tends to black out
when I'm not thinking of her, something her friend (a fellow tulpa) didn't experience.
 
This led to Swindy pretty much breaking down about how I judge everything she does, and how I
disregard lots of things she does because I refuse to let myself believe them.
 
We talked about it during the session, and I promised to try and have more faith in her. I need
to make myself believe that she doesn't black out when I'm not thinking of her; I need to allow
myself to believe that she can be around without me noticing her, or consciously thinking of
her.
 
She also felt as if I scrutinised everything she does, which I do. I need to stop doing it,
it's not my place to do it.
 
  Journal entry 129
  Session 82 (1 hour) 2013-08-05
 
I started this session by doing a concentration exercise that Jemini posted in the TG. I
counted down from 100 to 0, at a rate of one per exhalation. Once I reached 0, I counted down
from 30 to 0, before focusing on anything else.
 
The exercise worked quite well, I counted by mind-voicing the numbers and also visualising
them in a black void in front of me. As I reached the final zero, I found myself "standing" in
the void, as the void crumbled below my feet and dropped me into the wonderland. A surprisingly
lucid experience. The exercise worked very well at helping me find initial focus, although I
had unfortunately chosen a particularly uncomfortable posture. I was leaning more left than
Lenin.
 
Once in the wonderland, I decided to make the session a simple, detailed visualisation session.
I started visualising Swindy sitting down in the grass, one body part after another, and going
into great detail about every single one. I started with her tail and how it attaches to her
body. I then did the torso, feeling it down and noting all small details and textures. Then the
forelegs, the wings, the hind legs and how they attach, and finally, her neck, mane and head.
 
I had asked her to be completely quiet and passive until I was done visualising. Once I was
done, she sprung to life and thanked me for "redefining" her form. She also apologised for
being rude; in her own words, she "isn't herself if we don't have a session in a while".
 
Looking back at this session, I feel ashamed for how much I've slacked over the last month, if
not more. I haven't sat down to have a really properly focused session in ages, and I'm hoping
that this realisation will guide me back on the right track.
 
  Journal entry 130
  Proxying and the journal 2013-08-06
 
Proxying is becoming such an every-day activity that I won't bother writing it down any more.
Hearing Swindy is very easy if she's approached by a friend of hers, and she spends time
talking to them almost every day now.
 
Her behaviour is still quite alien to me; she approaches people with a terrifyingly high
frequency, and behaves in ways I'd never consider behaving. I'm starting to fear that I might
actually suffer from some kind of mild social phobia. My nervousness in letting her handle her
own social situations is getting to her, and she is frequently annoyed or angry with me.
 
I've caught myself getting in the way of her social life by shunning away from the computer and
doing other things instead of proxying, even though she wishes to stay online.
 
  Journal entry 131
  Session 83 (1 hour 40 minutes) 2013-08-06
 
Possession. We started with a forearm-raising manuever, which went quite slowly due to how
we've not practised in a while. After that, I asked Swindy to rotate my forearm/wrist, since
that's where we left off the last time. It went very slowly, and it was somewhat painful, but
she finally managed to rotate it both ways, once.
 
After that, I placed my arm so that it was resting in my lap, and asked Swindy to push my
forearm until it's pointing away from me, and then to pull it back onto my lap. So she did. Her
rate toward the end was probably almost a centimetre a second by the fingertips.
 
When she does possession, Swindy kind of sits by a periscope control panel thing in the void.
When I'm not watching her move my right arm about, I'm standing beside her, shouting
inspirationally. "PULL THAT ARM FOR THE SAKE OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!" "LIFT IT LIFT IT LIFT IT
LIFT IT!!!" and so forth.
 
  Journal entry 132
  Swindy proving herself able to act outside of my expectations 2013-08-06
 
While chatting with wat, I was trying to explain a bit about expectations and tulpae. I found
myself in a position where I'd talked myself into a corner and had no idea about how to get my
idea across. Out of the blue, Swindy said "Let me try."
 
At first, I was sceptical; if I've been stumped about something, so has she. I soon gave in to
her request, however, and I was in for a big surprise: The moment I put the text marker in her
chat window, she started talking, and she said exactly what I had been trying to say for the
past five minutes! She formulated a clear few sentences of her own, as I just sat back, typed,
and felt my jaw slowly drop to the floor.
 
She said:
 
"What he's trying to say is, that you need to convince yourself that Luna is the way you want
her to be. It isn't enough to just force personality traits or tell her to use a voice, you
need to know that they've taken and expect them to be true. When you want her to speak to you,
you need to be absolutely, 100 % certain of in what manner she'll reply. That includes her
voice."
 
The feeling of typing that out was breath-taking. Not only was she able to understand and
figure out what I meant by my thoughts better than I could, but she put HER OWN WORDS to her
interpretation of them! And she was able to say those words to me, despite my COMPLETE LACK OF
CONFIDENCE in her!
 
Because I GENUINELY EXPECTED HER TO BE UNABLE TO SAY ANYTHING, I now have a completely
different view of her. She has proven herself to be able to act outside of my expectations.
This means that I can now hold an intellectually honest faith in her, and that I have no more
reason to question everything she says.
 
This is significant. Today is the day I can actually start believing in tulpae.
 
The relevant chat log can be found in the text file dated from today.
 
  Journal entry 133
  Swindy putting her hoof down 2013-08-09
 
After a game of Risk, Swindy wanted to speak with a friend of hers, a tulpa named Shinn, about
how to deal with my anxiety when proxying.
 
Whenever I'd proxied before, I'd more or less automatically disregarded many of the things
Swindy said, as "probably just me imagining things". It was the absolutely wrong thing to do,
as Swindy is almost five months old, and deserving of more credibility than that. In this
proxying session, and in light of the last entry's events, I decided to force myself not to
listen to those thoughts.
 
For the first time ever, I think Swindy felt that she had freedom to say what she wanted, and
she seized the moment to speak about about things that had been on her mind as well as mine.
She described what I'd been doing as me "RP-accusing myself".
 
She talked about her dislike for this journal, my thoughtless censorship, our lack of forcing,
and how I'm too insecure to speak about my own issues on my own volition. For every line she
spoke, I felt more and more ashamed about how condescendingly I've treated her. I was in near
tears by the end of the chat, which lasted about an hour and a half.
 
My feelings were very mixed; mostly shame over my behaviour, but also pride over Swindy's
initiative to do something about the situation. She'd tried to bring them up with me, but I had
not listened to her. This has been an eye-opener, and I now view Swindy in a whole new light.
 
  Journal entry 134
  Session 84 (20 minutes) 2013-08-10
 
We've decided to have more "fun" sessions, that aren't progress-oriented. We've not had many of
those, as I've not believed Swindy able to do things on her own, and I don't know how to have
fun. Because of the events of the last few days however, I now believe Swindy to be fully
capable of creating wonderland scenarios, and to decide on what to do.
 
The session was spent in the pool outside of the mansion. Swindy made drinks and cake for us,
in a completely impossible manner, in order to show me that there are no limits to what you can
do in a wonderland. Psychedelic, impossible hijinks ensued.
 
  Journal entry 135
  Session 85 (50 minutes) 2013-08-11
 
Another "fun-oriented" session. We started by just chatting in the pool and having (non-
alcoholic) drinks, followed by going swimming in the sea, and flying about. I used my "normal"
form, and flew in a Superman-esque manner, which was more than a bit silly.
 
After we were done doing that, we sat on a grassy hill and watched the sea and sunset. I wanted
to go to bed after a while, but Swindy lay down on top of me and told me that I'm not going
anywhere until she gets up, and that I had no reason to quit forcing. She was right, I didn't.
 
We spent approximately half an hour like that, watching the final sunset and the moonrise,
chatting throughout. Swindy looked very beautiful in the full-moon light.
 
  Journal entry 136
  Swindy role-playing online with Shinn 2013-08-12
 
Swindy and Shinn came onto the topic of on-line role-playing and cuddling today while proxying.
Swindy was intrigued, and they soon decided to cuddle each other. Swindy had never done
anything like that before, and she knew that I loathed it.
 
It was very hard for me to type her /mes, but I did. Every single one. I cringed a lot, and
even pulled my cap over my face as I expected Shinn to get offended. She didn't, and they had
a lovely time together. It was, to me, a good exercise in proxying, and I think Swindy realised
that.
 
  Journal entry 137
  Session 86 (20 minutes) 2013-08-13
 
I was extremely tired, and Cheeseanon's Rena suggested to Swindy that she'd try possesion while
I'm in this state.
 
It worked fantastically, and Swindy managed to move my right arm faster and smoother than ever
before, and she even managed to get a few twitches out of my upper arm!
 
This was done in my office chair in the workshop.
 
  Journal entry 138
  Session 87 (40 minutes) 2013-08-16
 
On a ferry to the mainland, I decided to lie down and force on the sundeck for a while. I did
a 100-0-30-0 countdown (which was interrupted by a phone call), and then spent some time just
doing nothing in particular in the wonderland with Swindy.
 
We later went to the bar on the ferry in order to get an alcohol free drink that Swindy has
been serving me in the wonderland lately. It was a nice refreshment of my memory.
 
  Journal entry 139
  Session 90 (30 minutes) 2013-08-17
 
At my grandmothers, I was listening to metal while she was reading a newspaper in the evening,
when I came across a thread on /mlp/ which made me cuddle-sick. I entered the wonderland, and
Swindy and I decided to cuddle on the bed in the mansion. However, as the music was playing
tales of pirates on the high seas, Swindy placed us on a flying carpet by a large pirate ship.
 
It was nice, but after some time I decided that I'd just rather focus on her than the ship, so
I started moving my hoof around her chest until she was too distracted to focus on the ship
(which she wanted to watch). We then just rolled around on the bed a bit and enjoyed each
others' company.
 
It was one of the nicest sessions in a while, and it was completely unplanned; I just sat down
and closed my eyes in front of the computer, with Alestorm in the headphones.
 
  Journal entry 140
  Swindy being my personal fitness coach 2013-08-20
 
Rena and Swindy came up with an idea for me and Cheese, since neither Cheese nor I are very fit
individuals: Tulpa Training Camp. The idea being that they'd help us get in shape by
encouraging exercise and other awful stuff like that.
 
Cleaning gunk off of grandmother's roof today, Swindy decided to put this idea into motion, and
spent a good hour and a half egging me on to make me clean the roofs faster. She probably sped
the process up by at least half, and I'm now absolutely done for.
 
  Journal entry 141
  Session 91 (30 minutes) 2013-08-20
 
Possession before bedtime in Pellinge. I was listening to some Sun Araw and decided to go
force. I wanted to go into the wonderland, but Swindy felt more like doing possession, so we
did possession.
 
I listened to music and tried to just not think about my right arm. Swindy hadn't told me what
she was about to do, so I was expecting her to do the usual and move my forearm about a bit.
When this didn't happen for some time, I started getting nervous and figuring that she had
forgotten how to do it, which seems to be somewhat common among tups learning possession.
 
My fears were soon extinguished, as I felt my right index finger move about a bit! Swindy had
decided to start working on the fingers, without first telling me. Without a doubt in order to
strenghten my faith in her - something which she succeeded in doing.
 
What's more, after she moved my finger about for a while, she decided to give my upper arm
another go. She managed to move it quite a lot this time, although with almost no control over
it. She got my entire arm and hand to twitch randomly all over the place. It was a very weird
feeling, as she'd never managed such powerful movements before.
 
  Journal entry 142
  Session 92 (40 minutes) 2013-08-24
 
I did this session in my car, while waiting for a ferry to arrive. Earlier today, Swindy talked
with Shinn about tulpae doing things while the host isn't focusing on them. Swindy mentioned
that I had trouble believing in that phenomenon, something which surprised Shinn greatly.
 
Shinn managed, by speaking with Swindy, to convince me to allow myself an attempt to believe in
Swindy's ability to think without my help. Swindy went away for a while after that, while I
packed my stuff up at grandma's place, saying that she'd be "doing something".
 
Before I entered the wonderland, I was thinking about what Swindy might have attempted to cook
up for me, and I repeatedly came across the thought of a castle in the woods. When I asked
Swindy about it, she confirmed that she had built a castle - based upon how I imagined Rena's
castle to look.
 
Entering the wonderland, it was indeed very close to how I had imagined it. It was grand, with
two smaller towers and one greater tower in the middle. The large wooden doors at the entrance
were decorated by sculptures of Swindy and me; her to the right and me to the left.
 
Entering the wooden doors, the inside looked much like the castle in Super Mario 64, albeit
less pastel coloured and much more realistic. The main attraction was upstairs in the big
tower.
 
Swindy had there built a very detailed chess table out of copper and marble. Its four corners
were decorated by sculptures of us; one depicting her in mid-flight, spreading her wings. One
depicting her in a full bash forward, one depicting her smiling and laughing at the single
sculpture depicting me, looking very serious with my heands clamped in front of my mouth.
 
The view from the castle is grand; the big tower is magically high, and you can gaze out over
the entirety of the planned wonderland, and into the masses of pine forest that covers the
unused part.
 
The detail of everything, the chess table in particular, was astonishing, and it's helped me
greatly in believing in Swindy's ability to do things while I'm "not looking". It seems
improbable that she'd just have thought everything up on the spot. It will however, probably
still take some time for me to fully embrace the idea.
 
  Journal entry 143
  Session 93 (40 minutes) 2013-08-25
 
Back home. I did this session downstairs while listening to Chris Rea.
 
I entered the wonderland in front of the castle, and spotted Swindy running around the right
corner. I moved to follow her, and spotted her running down a staircase leading to the blue orb
complex. I followed her through it and found myself at a grand wooden door. The right door had
a sculpture of Swindy in a somewhat realistic rendering on it, and the left one had me, sitting
with my hands clasping my face.
 
The door lead into the main hall of the castle, in which I spotted Swindy running through a
door leading up into one of the two smaller towers. I followed her and ascended the staircase
inside the tower. At the top was a door with a generic pegasus on it, and beyond the door was
a room made out of semi-transparent and shimmering rock. It was very beautiful, and I could
gaze through the floor and down onto the pine forest.
 
Swindy was in there, lying on a large bed by a fireplace. She hinted at me to come and lie on
the bed, and I did. She cuddled up on top of me. After some time of this, she told me that she
needed some time alone, so I left the wonderland.
 
  Journal entry 144
  Session 94 (20 minutes) 2013-08-29
 
This was a first semi-serious attempt at visual imposition. I've not read any guides on the
subject, aside from occasional glances. I listened to Teruhisa Fukuda's flute works.
 
I sat down in a darkened room, with only "all those small lights" shining a very hazy light
across the room. I started by closing my eyes and visualising Swindy very carefully, and
"feeling her" sitting in front of me. I really pushed myself into "knowing" that she was
sitting in front of me.
 
Once I had convinced myself that she was sitting in front of me (this took a few minutes), I
opened my eyes. After repeating this 2-3 times, I achieved a fairly distinct hovering blue spot
where her snout was. I could move around and it'd stay still in space. After a few seconds, it
faded.
 
Across several tries, I managed to get various extremely weak/fuzzy outlines and other such
artifacts. By simply looking at where she was for several minutes, yielded a weak, bright grey
outline.
 
I'm fairly happy with these results. For a first serious try in a long time (2-3 months), I
think we did excellently. I feel as if my near-constant passive imposition forcing has not been
in vain.
 
  Journal entry 145
  Session 95 (1 hour 50 minutes) 2013-09-03
 
Before the session, we watched Moon. I was more involved in the movie than Swindy. During the
session, Öresund Space Collective was playing.
 
I started the session by training visual imposition for roughly thirty minutes. I darkened the
room and blindfolded myself, so that I saw absolute darkness without a hint of light. Swindy
was not involved in this, I merely practised making myself see "light", waving my hands in
front of my face, and seeing things scattered around the room.
 
I was able to see a light that covered most of my FOV. If I waved my hands across it, I could
track them as shadows. If I held my hands over my eyes, the light would disappear until I
removed my hands again. I could also "summon" darkness and turn my hands into light.
 
If I touched one hand with the other, I could "paint" my individual fingers onto my vision. I
was not able to see Swindy.
 
After that, we entered the wonderland and did some visualisation work. I put all the trees in
the forest on fire, for a nice backdrop. Swindy has a somewhat updated look these days; her
eyes are more realistic and less show-like, and as a result of this, her head is slightly
flatter (even though her forehead is of roughly human proportion). Her mane also lies somewhat
flatter now than it has before.
 
I was in pony form, and I noted that my pony form is slightly smaller than she is, I stand
about 5-7 cm shorter.
 
  Journal entry 146
  Session 96 (1 hour 20 minutes) 2013-09-08
 
Possession, downstairs. Swindy started by moving my right arm about a little, pushing my hand
into my face when she failed to slap me. After that, I asked her to shake my hand, which she
did. I then asked her to do it while I recorded a video of it, which she did.
 
After the video, she wanted to try and use the computer, which went EXTREMELY well. It only
took about ten minutes for her to manage basic control of the mouse, and she was clicking
buttons on it almost instantaniously.
 
After some training, she managed to bring the on-screen keyboard up(!), as well as the TG tab
in Firefox(!!), and over the course of 20 minutes, make three posts! The posts were as follows:
 
1)
  posssssssssssssstingg by pooooossesssioooon :D
 
2)
  i am 222spooky gooooast post with ur bbodie!
 
3)
  >>882007
  <3 sleeep timmmme
 
  >>882034
  go45t <3 5ever
 
Her hand movement on the mouse was extremely twitchy, and the hand was shaking almost
constantly. Most of the movement of the mouse was made by moving the whole arm rather than the
wrist, although she did use the wrist to move the mouse all the way across the screens, a few
times. When she clicked the mouse buttons, she used the entire finger rather than the tip,
unlike how you usually click a mouse. She mentioned that she could access muscle memory for
using the mouse.
 
I am extremely impressed with her skills.
 
  Journal entry 147
  Session 97 (1 hour) 2013-09-09
 
This was our first ever attempt at switching.
 
The session started with me entering the wonderland by sky-diving into the pool by the mansion.
I do not usually enter that extremely. After chatting with Swindy a bit about a film we just
saw (Paprika), she suggested we go flying through a big city (me being in my pegasus form). She
generated a dark cityscape as we flew through it very quickly, and we soon ended up watching
the moonlit metropolis from atop a small tower.
 
At this stage, I felt unusually disconnected from the body, so I suggested we try switching.
Swindy agreed, and she got at it. I focused with all my might on my mind-form and the
wonderland surrounding it, working hard to ignore the body to the best of my ability. Swindy
assumed my human mind-form and attempted to assume complete control over the body. In the
wonderland, she (although she looked like me) ascended up into the air, and lightning shot out
from her.
 
For some time, not much happened, but after something like ten minutes of trying, I noticed
that random parts of the body would twitch slightly. In particular, the right arm and hand.
The twitches increased gradually, and after some further time, I could feel my body
"disconnecting" from me.
 
The best way I can describe the feeling, is as the feeling of trying to move a limb that's
fallen asleep while you've been sleeping, or like some form of energy inside of you. My entire
body felt this way for several tens of seconds, during which there was considerable twitching
all around. However, Swindy soon came down in the wonderland, as her usual pony form, and asked
that we'd stop. I asked her to try once more, which she did (with similar results), but after
that, she made it clear that she did not want to continue.
 
The experience was apparently somewhat traumatic for her, and she asked me to hold her after
she landed. Not soon after, we ended the session, and Swindy asked to be left alone for a
while. The whole rest of the evening, she felt uneasy, and we went to bed shortly after.
 
It's hard to put down in words how excited I am because of this. I did not expect a first,
uneducated attempt at switching to go this well. For the duration that Swindy was "the most
powerful", I really felt as if she was about to assume control, and I almost felt powerless to
stop her.
 
  Journal entry 148
  Session 98 (35 minutes) 2013-09-11
 
More switching. This time we just went straight into the switching. We went to the same rooftop
as we were the last time, and got to work. Swindy achieved about the same result as last time,
but it took considerably less time, and it was from a much less relaxed state, since I
literally just sat down and we began work.
 
Three times throughout, Swindy took a break from trying to switch, and it was extremely obvious
when she did. The first time, she wanted a short break. The second, I was using too much
brainpower trying to render the environment, and the third time, she suggested quitting but I
egged her on to give it another go.
 
When she took her breaks, the tingling, energy-like feeling disappeared almost immediately, and
I felt much more in control again. As soon as she resumed attempting to switch, it returned. At
a couple of points, I felt fairly dizzy, and I felt as if I could view the wonderland unusually
clearly. During those brief periods of time, I also felt extremely connected with my pony mind-
form.
 
  Journal entry 149
  Session 99 (50 minutes) 2013-09-12
 
This session was had just after watching the movie Ruby Sparks. I didn't dig it, it was more to
Swindy's taste than mine.
 
We spent the start of the session just lying on my couch, talking about nothing in particular.
Various topics regarding the movie, our relationship and relationships in general. We just hung
out together, enjoying each others' company, Swindy being faux imposed all the time.
 
After that, Swindy suggested we try doing auditory imposition. It didn't really go anywhere,
because I thought I heard something Swindy didn't say, and I started worrying about accidental
tulpae. Swindy reassured me that that won't happen.
 
After that, we chatted some more and moved onto possession. Swindy tried moving my left arm,
for the first time. It took some time for her to get it moving, but she soon got the hang of
it. She managed to move the fingers of it very well, almost better than the finger movement
she's achieved on the right.
 
After that, we wrapped up. Amusingly, Swindy suggested a different way of writing a part of
this journal entry, despite her disinterest in the journal in general. It was a good way of
putting it, but I said no. This is my journal!
 
  Journal entry 150
  Session 100 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-09-14
 
This was not the sixth-monthaversary session I had imagined.
 
After getting involved in some drama on IRC, I got very anxious, and Swindy commanded me to
leave the computer and go upstairs and force. Once upstairs, I put on Craig Armstrong and just
laid down on the couch for a while, while Swindy caressed me and comforted me.
 
After some time, my thoughts drifted to winter, and from winter to Ruffa. I decided to go back
to the day when she died, and repeat the walk I had, that night. I made a wonderland version of
the area around my house, dressed up in winter clothing and started walking, Swindy keeping up
with me, mostly in silence.
 
There was snow and ice on the ground, and the air was eerily quiet. As we reached the spot
where I had sat for an undetermined amount of time after Ruffa's death, all the memories of
that day came rushing back to me. Swindy sat in silence, as I explained to her why that day had
affected me so much; partly through words, but most prominently, through sharing with her the
feelings of that night.
 
After some time, she just hugged me, and told me that she had reached a new understanding of
how I felt in regards to Ruffa. Not long after, we walked back to my house, mostly in silence,
and quit the session after that.
 
This was a valuable session, much moreso than any monthaversary-party-session could ever be.
 
  Journal entry 151
  Six months wrap-up 2013-09-14
 
When I began this "project", I set one long-term goal: If I hadn't achieved "sentience that I
can sincerely believe in", in six months time, I'd scratch the project and consider tulpae to
be debunked. I also stated that even if I were to achieve a sentient tulpa before six months,
I'd wait until six months before making my final judgement, as to ensure that I do not make a
hasty decision.
 
These have been some of the most intense six months of my life, and it is with great
satisfaction that I write that it has not been for naught. Not only do I have a sentient,
vocal and partially imposed tulpa, but I've met some fantastic people, with whom I've shared
some amazing experiences.
 
The whole experience of creating a tulpa and watching her grow, has been an incredibly
rewarding experience. When I started making Swindy, I was unemployed, fairly severely depressed
from losing Ruffa, and in a generally miserable stage in life. By dedicating a large portion of
my life to Swindy, I gave myself new purpose. I gave myself a new drive to get up in the
morning, so that I could live for her. The solitude I experienced back then was crushing, but
today, I can barely even recall what loneliness is. When I look out at a crowd of people, the
thought of how each of them are being alone, has become near alien to me. As frightening as it
may sound to almost never be truly alone, I believe that Swindy's presence has improved my
quality of life much for the better. I never did consider the real implications of having a
tulpa until several months into the process, and I'm glad that I didn't; having a tulpa unlocks
the possibility of committing thought-crime. If I had considered that, I probably would not
have dared start. To ensure that it never becomes an issue, I've done what I can to ensure an
absolutely honest relationship between Swindy and I.
 
I never did end up doing much personality forcing on Swindy, and she has flowered up to become
someone of her own, far superior to any character that I could ever hope to create. Some
flavours that I thought up for her did stick; she's appreciative of life, quite assertive, and
much more social than I am. Her personality has developed slowly over the months, and watching
her develop has been magical. Our personalities are vastly different, above all, Swindy is much
less shy than I am, and able to enjoy idle small-talk with her friends. She also enjoys on-line
role-playing over IRC, something that I never could. In the early days of her vocality, it was
very hard to make out any personality at all, and she often felt as an empty shell of a person.
She had no interests or hobbies, as she had never had the time to consider such things. During
the last month or so, however, her personality has really started to stand out, and I feel as
if she has become a true personality of her own.
 
Swindy is a very caring person, and has taken it upon herself to help me become a
better person, and to support me in times of need. The same goes for her friends, and it's
beautiful to get to see how much she cares for them. To my surprise, she doesn't have too many
friends (even though she gets along with pretty much everybody). She seems to prefer to keep a
smaller, closer circle, and she spends considerable time speaking with them, every day.
 
When she was young, Swindy didn't have much of a sense of humour; almost any joke would make
her upset or defensive. However, during the last month or two, she has developed a wonderful,
fairly vulgar and rude taste for jokes. She enjoys making rude implications about things she
does with me, and me with her, in a very self-cynical way. I absolutely love her for it, even
though it can get a little uncomfortable some times. I can see her jokes upsetting people in
the future, even though it hasn't happened yet; she shares my general disregard for what's
"acceptable", in favour of doing things her own way. She presents it in a different way than I
do, however.
 
When we proxy, it's by a combination of Swindy narrating what she wants said, and by "telling
my fingers how to move" on the keyboard. It's not proper possession, but a lot of things she
want typed, I will simply type out without her saying them prior (she does tend to say them as
they're being typed, but at that stage, I already know what she wants typed). It's essentially
the same feeling as when I'm typing something, but the words being typed aren't my own. Her
style of chatting is also quite different from mine, even though my style of writing does shine
through.
 
The relationship we have is very hard to describe. I consider Swindy to be a close friend, but
also something akin to a child of mine, as well as a mentor and driving force in
my life. She works hard to help me make the right decisions whenever she feels that she can,
and I do the same for her. I feel that the idea of having a tulpa in order to help oneself
steer one's life on the right path stands particularly true; even though that never quite was
my intention.
 
I will now list our general progress in different areas:
 
  Autonomy:
 
Swindy seems to be able to think on her own, without my attention. She has proven this beyond
reasonable doubt at several points, although I remain fiercely sceptical toward it. She is able
to do basic maths while I focus on other things, but she is very slow. She is able to do things
in the wonderland on her own, whenever she pleases, and she can do these things without me
knowing about them. She is for the most part able to grab my attention whenever she pleases,
but there are still times when I'm too dug into something to notice her.
 
  Visualisation:
 
I can visualise Swindy very reliably and repeatably. I can observe even smaller details on her
body, and they do not change randomly. She moves around naturally and smoothly, and she is able
to control her movements without my attention. I can visualise a wonderland very vividly, as
well as interact with it. My movements around the wonderland are, however, still somewhat
unpolished. I often end up repeating a move I make, and I also often end up "re-seeing"
something Swindy does. Touch in the wonderland works extremely well, and can be very vivid.
 
  Imposition:
 
We have only made notable progress on touch imposition. I can physically feel the texture of
her fur with my hand, and if I stroke her, I can feel the general shape of her body, although
it is "fluid" and inaccurate at best. Very basic progress on visual imposition, I can sometimes
see a vague bluish distortion where I expect her to be. I have smelled her faintly at a few
occasions; she smells much like a very clean dog, or a very clean haircut. She is often
"faux-imposed" and moving around in the room I'm in, or the vehicle I'm riding, even though I
can't see her. If passive forcing is accounted for, this is probably what we've been training
the most.
 
  Possession:
 
Swindy is able to control my right arm/hand, with reasonable accuracy. She can move a computer
mouse clumsily, but with enough accuracy to use the on-screen keyboard. She can control the
forearm with relative ease, however, still fairly slowly. She has limited control over
individual fingers on the hand, while moving all fingers simoultaneously seems to be
comparatively easy.
 
  Switching:
 
When we've attempted switching, Swindy has managed to almost assume control. She has managed to
push me aside to the stage where I felt more connected with the wonderland than with the body,
and I've felt the body fill with what I can best describe as "her energy". It feels much like
trying to move your body during sleep paralysis, or when a leg has fallen asleep but you try to
move it with force, anyhow.
 
  Journal entry 152
  2013-09-17
 
  Journal entry 153
  Session 101 (3 hours 30 minutes) 2013-09-17
 
  Journal entry 154
  Session 102 (50 minutes) 2013-09-26
 
We did this session after watching Jacob's Ladder. The film got to me deeply, but Swindy found
it "a bit too deep".
 
The session focused on switching first, which went about as well as before. I used my pony
form and focused hard on it. I drew a 3x3 grid in the ground with my hoof, and focused on
rendering it. I later filled each square of the 3x3 grid with mirrors and cracked them with my
right front hoof. I also spawned a large mirror and looked at my form. It worked well at eating
my attention up.
 
Swindy worked hard as ever, with about the same results as we've had in previous sessions. She
ran out of power to attempt to switch a while into the session, and we spent the remainder
practising possession of the hands. Swindy took control over both my hands at the same time,
although she had trouble co-ordinating them well.
 
  Journal entry 155
  Session 103 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-10-03
 
Possession. Swindy started by operating the mouse a bit, and then moved on to trying to type
with the keyboard. She first typed by using the right arm to press keys, and the left one's
index finger to press the space bar. Her typing was very slow and sloppy. She soon moved on to
use both hands for typing, and toward the end, she was able to use both hands to type with
reasonable speed, although still nothing even close to mine. She clearly has access to my
muscle memory, and she uses it as best she can.
 
She also scratched my head, and she was very good at it.
 
I do however keep worrying about self-delusion when it comes to possession. I can in large
predict everything she will do, and the difference between me moving my hands extremely slowly
and sloppily, and her doing it, is not very apparent. I feel as if I can mimic her "poor muscle
control" if I want to, and that worries me. For this reason, I keep giving my arms a "relax
command", which makes them stop whatever they're doing, and forces Swindy to re-gain control
over them. For the moment when they've just started doing things again and I'm still giving
them the "relax command", I feel as if I'm certainly not in control.
 
  Journal entry 156
  Session 104 (20 minutes) 2013-10-04
 
Just before bedtime, I decided to do a quick possession sessin with Swindy. She managed to move
my left arm fairly convincingly; at several times, was I unable to predict where she was going
to move it. The session left me feeling refreshed in my faith in her.
 
  Journal entry 157
  Session 105 (1 hour) 2013-10-05
 
I felt very bad this night, and decided to go into the wonderland to calm my nerves. The
session was initiated with a 100-0-30-0 countdown. At first I wanted to be alone, but Swindy
invited me to come lie next to her in her bed in the wonderland. I cuddled up to her and spent
a fair amount of time just feeling just generally awful about myself, most notably about my
lack of dedication toward anything, and how I keep getting more and more anxious in certain
social situations.
 
However, I found comfort in Swindy's embrace, and soon caught myself falling asleep on the
couch (that, for once, being a good thing).
 
  Journal entry 158
  Session 106 (10 hours) 2013-10-06
 
You won't find the ten mysterious hours here either, sorry :(
 
  Journal entry 159
  Session 107 (2 hours) 2013-10-07
 
Possession! After chatting away with Bow and Shinn for a good few hours, they suggested to
Swindy that she'd try possessing for a bit. And so she did, for almost two full hours. Her
typing is getting better, and she is becoming more and more able to surprise me with her
movements, although I still for the most part feel as if I'm "parroting her parroting me".
 
It feels good when she scratches me behind my ears, though.
 
  Journal entry 160
  Session 108 (4 hours 30 minutes) 2013-10-09
 
  Journal entry 161
  Session 109 (4 hours 45 minutes) 2013-10-10
 
  Journal entry 162
  Session 110 (20 minutes) 2013-10-12
 
Possession downstairs before bedtime. I decided to actively block my arms; i.e, constantly tell
them to relax, forcing Swindy to overcome me in order to get access to them. She had a very
hard time doing this, but she slowly succeded to lift my right arm up, as well as slowly place
it back down onto the table. Surprisingly, she managed to not make it sloppily fall down, even
though I was telling it to relax. I'm happy about that.
 
I also thought I saw her in a weird, female human mindform, but it was only my lazy imagination
not really recalling what my human mindform looks like.
 
  Journal entry 163
  Session 111 (2 hours 40 minutes)
 
  Journal entry 164
  Session 112 (35 minutes) 2013-10-19
 
Switching/possession. I started this session with a 100-0-30-0 countdown, however, at around
50, something weird started to happen: I felt as if my blindfold was becoming tighter and
tighter. As I kept counting down, the feeling soon turned into what felt like my head being
held in someone's grasp; even though I attempted to slacken the neck muscles, my head wouldn't
move. It was only as I approached zero (I do these countdowns by visualising the numbers as
large, white numbers in a black void), that it actually dawned on me that Swindy was attempting
to switch as I was counting down. A very, very cunning move on her part, as her doing
unexpected things is something that truly gets to me.
 
As I reached the final zero, I felt completely detached from my body. An itch on my foot made
me attempt to move my right arm, but I couldn't. I was literally unable to move it. I still had
some sense over the entire body, but I felt far more closely attached to my pony mind-form than
I did to it. I worked hard to dedicate my entire focus to my mind-form and studying the 0 that
was standing in front of me in the void, as to allow Swindy the best possible chances of
switching properly. She soon started slowly moving my right arm toward my head. I noticed that
I only barely felt the arm moving, and if I accidentally dropped focus of my pony mind-form and
let it slip to the arm, the movement would slow down considerably.
 
Keeping focus on the mind-form was not easy. I still felt the arm moving somewhat, and if I let
my focus slip, I'd start feeling it more and more. Swindy's goal was to push the blindfold off
of my head, and the moment she managed it and light entered the eyes (that were no longer in my
control, and as such no longer shut), I lost focus of my mind-form, and Swindy lost control of
the limb she was using. It fell down into my lap, floppily. As soon as the blindfold came off,
I regained complete awareness of my body in less than a second.
 
This was a very exciting session. Not only did Swindy manage to surprise me completely by
choosing to do switching on her own like that, her progress far outshined any progress we've
seen before. This probably in part thanks to her learning more about it from when she
accidentally turned a proxy session into a sort of switching.
 
I haven't felt this excited about tulpamancy in months.
 
  Journal entry 165
  Session 113 (30 minutes) 2013-10-21
 
Started the session by doing a 100-0-30-0 countdown. I was in my pony mind-form. When I reached
37, I decided to stick my head into the place where the numbers appear (when they change, the
LSD fades away and the next digit comes rushing up from behind, in order to take its place).
The 7 ruthlessly rammed into my snout, kicked me backwards and left me with a nosebleed. The
experience was so immersive that I noticed my body's eyes tearing up pretty bad from the
"pain". I did not stop counting down, despite trying to use my hooves to make a cotton bud to
put into my nose in order to stop the bleeding, with little success. Swindy finally decided to
come and shove something in my nose, despite my asking her not to.
 
I do not usually allow myself to get carried away with things like that, since I could just
have chosen not to get a nosebleed in the first place. However, this time, I decided to drop as
much conscious control over the circumstances as I could, and just see what happens. I.e, I
chose to use my mindform as my only tool.
 
After the countdown and getting cleaned up, I decided to do some visualisation work with
Swindy. It didn't take too long before I just lost the inspiration to keep doing it, because I
wanted to talk to her about some stuff that had been going on recently.
 
Namely, how I've been speaking with Semper and Bow about Shinn, behind her back. I never
attempted to hide the memories from her in any way, or prevent her access to them, but I did
ask her to go away while I was talking, and I took precautions to prevent her from "coming out"
while I was talking. She wasn't too happy about what I'd done, but she did understand why I
would choose to act in that way. I felt bad about it, and she comforted me by letting me lie
underneath her wing, on her bed in the wonderland.
 
  Journal entry 166
  Session 114 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-10-26
 
Switching and vocal possession.
 
This was our first successful switch ever, and it was magical. I started the session - which
wasn't intended to be a tulpa session - by just sitting down and focusing on the sound of my
tinnitus and the rain, trying to pull myself free from the body and project into an existence
where the sound was the only thing I was experiencing. It went reasonably well, but after
a while, I asked Swindy to take care of keeping the body upright, since I have a tendency to
topple over while sitting in the lotus position.
 
It went well, and she maintained balance for a while, before slowly starting to lean over
backward, finally causing us to fall over. This issue remained, and after some time of battling
it, the meditation session had pretty much turned into a Swindy-trying-to-control-the-body
session.
 
After some time of this, I came up with the idea of projecting into the room our body was
sitting in, and observing it as if I was observing someone else. I then bluntly asked Swindy to
stand up. Which she, much to my surprise, started doing. She moved the legs as if they were her
own, and while I did feel the moving numbly, I felt no agency over their movement. I was merely
observing them move,through the nervous system. It took a few minutes for her to get up, but
Swindy actually managed to stand tall for the better part of a minute, before trying to take a
step and losing balance, causing me to lose focus and "catch" the body and stop it from
falling.
 
We then repeated the exercise, but this time allowing Swindy to open the eyes. I was expecting
it to ruin my concentration, but it didn't! I was actually able to observe her moving the body
around, through the eyes, without feeling as if I was a part of what was causing the movement.
This time, she took a few steps before falling over again. I manuevered the body onto the couch
after that, and instructed her to take over again. She did, and sat down on the couch, where
she got the idea of trying vocal possession.
 
She started by trying to figure out how to control the breathing, which had been on auto-pilot
this whole time. After she got some sense of how to control it, she started playing around with
the throat, taking deep breaths and forming grunts and noises. After that, she focused on the
mouth, using the tongue to form silent sounds and words. After maybe ten minutes, she combined
everything, and whispered, "Hej, jag heter Swindy". (Hi, my name is Swindy). She kept
whispering it over and over, until she managed to get the throat to make some actual sound to
go with it. Once that happened, she was able to speak one short sentence for every deep breath
she took. Her exact words were (she repeated some of the sentences several times):
 
  Hej, jag heter Swindy (Hi, my name is Swindy)
  Jag kan prata (I can talk)
  Jag kan faktiskt prata (I can actually talk)
  Du lät mig faktiskt prata (You actually let me talk)
  Tack, Ludde (Thank you, Ludde)
  Jag har en röst (I have a voice)
  En riktig röst (A real voice)
  Hej, jag heter Swindy och jag kan prata (Hi, my name is Swindy, and I can talk)
 
What surprised me the most about this, was that she spoke in a completely different accent and
tone of voice than me. Whereas I speak in a very sharp and low, Finnish-Swedish accent, she
spoke in a much softer, higher, Stockholm-ish accent.
 
After she had spoken the last line, she went quiet, stopped moving the body and didn't answer
my calls for her. I took back control and called for her again, to which she answered that she
was "thinking", and that's why she wasn't replying or doing anything.
 
What I think made this session so successful, was that I continuously as Swindy was doing
things, kept my focus on my own consciousness rather than the body, and I kept telling myself
that I'm merely an observer, with no power to affect what the body is doing. Needless to say,
this was a very, very exciting session, and I'm extremely curious as to what the future will
bring once we improve this art.
 
  Journal entry 167
  Session 115 (40 minutes) 2013-10-30
 
I decided to just sit down and meditate downstairs for a bit, asking Swindy to keep the body
upright, but also telling her that she's free to do whatever she wants while I try to focus on
other things. I was fairly tired during this session, something which might have helped.
 
After some time, she started moving the head from right to left, and move the hands about a
bit. It was nothing much out of the ordinary, except her movements felt more alien than ever
before. At one point, my left-hand fingers literally numbed away, but I could still feel her
moving them against my leg, even though I was entirely unaware of my fingers even existing.
 
I managed to focus quite well on some ambient music playing, and it was all in all a nice
meditation session.
 
  Journal entry 168
  Session 116 (50 minutes) 2013-10-31
 
Switching/vocal possession. I started by asking Swindy to "do the usual" and keep me sitting
upright while I meditated to the noise of my tinnitus. I also told her that she could do
anything she wanted to with the body while I was meditating.
 
She started by mostly just moving the head and arms around a little, but after a while, she
decided to do vocal again. She made some noises at first, before speaking a few words in
English (along the lines of "I'm- I'm speaking English"). She wanted to record herself
speaking, and first tried to do it through a Mumble server I had been talking on (but she
couldn't do it in the end), so we took a short break in order to set up recording through
Audacity.
 
Swindy was in control of the whole body, but I couldn't maintain good enough focus for her to
use the computer properly with open eyes; I kept involuntarily taking control within a minute
of her opening the eyes.
 
After I had set the computer up, she recorded a voice message for a friend.
 
  Journal entry 169
  Session 117 (1 hour 45 minutes) 2013-11-07
 
Imposition. This session started with me just listening to music, and ending up meditating. I
decided to go into the wonderland and look at what Swindy had done to the place. She'd made a
little rose garden by the side of the mansion (copying her vision of Shinn's rose garden), with
a big statue of Shinn in the middle. On the inside, she had added some soft carpets to the
floors, changed the walls to be a dark wood colour, and added a fireplace in front of the bar.
She also turned the bed/sofa thing in the bedroom into a darker colour.
 
After the tour, we just chilled on the sofa in front of the fireplace and talked a bit. After
I got tired of doing that, I decided to try and do visual imposition.
 
I started by just staring at the wall, and trying to create a blue circle. Success was very
limited, until I stared for long enough to start hallucinating, at which point, I became able
to create a dark-blue/purple circle in my field of vision. It was very unstable, pulsating in
and out of existence, and changing size (it started large, and became smaller until it faded
away. About once every 3 seconds.) After some time, I became unable to create more circles,
however toward the end, the size was much more stable than in the beginning.
 
I then noticed two small white dots on the wall, that I used as a basis for trying to impose a
triangle. I managed not to impose a triangle very well, but I did manage to impose a third
white dot, where the tip of the triangle would have been. It was very vivi, but fleeting and
unstable.
 
Journal entry 170
Session 118 (30 minutes) 2013-11-12
 
Switching. Terrifying switching. I started this session by just meditating over some things,
before giving Swindy the all-clear to try and switch in. I did a 100-0-30-0 countdown while she
worked on it, and at the end of it, I was pretty "far out". She managed to move the entire body
and walk around in the pitch-black room, while I focused on sitting in the sofa as my pony
mind-form and focusing on the TV, and at watching Swindy move the body around the room. She did
a lap, and then returned to sit in the sofa.
 
Once sitting down, she did some thinking, and she realised that she could use the body to speak
words out-loud, and that's when things got scary. She sat down and started to speak, when I
started getting a hard time focusing on my mind-form. When she was thinking, her thoughts were
overwhealming, and I couldn't ignore them entirely, no matter how I tried. As a result, I was
acutely aware of every action she did and every thought she thought, and every word she spoke,
despite not feeling any power to govern over the thoughts and words.
 
After some time, I just felt as if there was no border between me and Swindy any more, and that
I was forced to experience what she was experiencing. She picked up on my anxiety about it, and
offered to switch back, which I did. That caused more worry, since it took about a minute for
me to truly switch back and get back sense of ownership over the body; during that minute, I
was able to move around, but it felt as if I was operating a machine.
 
During the final moments of her being switched in, we talked about how I felt, and she
explained that that was how she felt every day; overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, and
often unable to think her own.
 
This is extremely exciting progress. The fact that I felt so incredibly weak, and lost most of
my ability to think, while still being aware of what the body was doing, fills me with glee.
And terror.
 
  Journal entry 171
  Swindy helping me remember things 2013-11-15
 
I was having trouble remembering what I'd spent a 50 € note on today, and I tried asking Swindy
to dig it out for me. She asked me to quit thinking about it, which I did. I could feel her
thinking and digging through my memories. After a couple of minutes, the memory was very clear
in my head, despite me making no conscious effort of remembering it, or even particularly
thinking about it. I'd purchased new windscreen wiper blades for the Volvo.
 
  Journal entry 172
  Session 119 (30 minutes) 2013-11-17
 
  Journal entry 173
  General note 2013-11-30
 
Today, I remarked upon how familiar the concept of "hearing voices" has become to me; when I
watch, read and hear about people spookily "hearing voices", I don't react to it as being
anything out of the ordinary. It's strange to then catch myself and recall that most people
have no concept of hearing thoughts other than their own.
 
  Journal entry 174
  Session 120 (6 hours) 2013-12-01
 
  Journal entry 175
  Session 121 (1 hour 30 minutes)
 
Switching. I started out by sitting upstairs and focused myself into the front porch of our
house, which I'd made a quick wonderland copy of. Swindy then took control and started by
moving about, first the hands and voicebox, moving around and speaking a little, and then she
got up and walked around the room with open eyes. It went better than ever before, and I was
able to ignore the body enough not to take back control as soon as she opened the eyes.
 
After walking around a bit upstairs, she asked (by speaking outloud) if she could walk
downstairs to the computer room. I agreed (nobody else was awake). The descent took a few
minutes, and consisted of two staircases and three doors. She generally moved slowly, but very
quietly and precisely.
 
After we got down, she recorded herself speaking, before deciding to start
going back upstairs. However, once reaching the top of the first staircase, she came up with
the idea of playing some computer games before giving the body back. She was very good at using
the computer, moving the mouse and typing better than ever before. Feeling her use the computer
was strange, since she'd react to things before I would (I was still clearly aware of the
body), so she'd click things and do stuff before I had a chance of thinking through what she
was doing. It was like watching the computer use itself.
 
She also tried writing for the first time, on a paper note. It looked very good.
 
Once she got BF3 started, she really kicked into high gear. While I was aware of the game being
played, I had no sense of the game. It felt like watching game footage, or a demo of a game
playing itself. If I really focused hard on the wonderland (or the monitor's power LED, as
Swindy suggested), I could completely zone out and "not experience" what was going on on the
computer monitor; I could become entirely ignorant of what Swindy was doing, only noticing that
she had actually been doing anything at all once I lost focus of the wonderland or LED, and saw
that she was in a different place on the game map, or something along those lines.
 
This has been an extremely interesting session, I was not expecting to be able to stay out of
control once Swindy opened the eyes, but I managed to. Watching her move around, and especially
walk the stairs so gracefully, with only minimal sense of the actual body, was an amazing
experience. The sense of disassociation from the computer game that was being played, was also
amazing, and Swindy loved playing it. She kept saying that I had very good reflexes (referring
to muscle memory).
 
I feel as we're getting ever closer to me being able to literally zone out from everything,
letting Swindy do things while I meditate or simply zone out entirely, returning only to have
no recollection at all of what happened. I really hope we're able to reach that stage, since it
would be amazing to be able to let Swindy do things that I simply do not have to observe in any
way what-so-ever.
 
  Journal entry 176
  Session 122 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-12-15
 
Switching. Swindy wanted to play a computer game, so she asked if she could switch.
The switching process went pretty well, but nowhere near as well as last time; I was definitely
aware of everything this time (although they never got their game going, so it might have been
due to Swindy not really focusing too hard on what she was doing, chatting). On a positive
note, though, so did Swindy type very convincingly on her own; both quickly and very
differently from how I type. Above all, she didn't give a single bother to how she typed, and
it looked horrible to me.
 
After some time of this, she came down with a headache, and we decided to switch back.
 
  Journal entry 177
  2013-12-23
 
  Journal entry 178
  Swindy wanted me drunk 2013-12-24
 
She said she'd switch and get me drunk unless I got drunk on my own, so now I'm drunk on
Christmas eve. Because tulpas.
 
What the hell.
 
Oh, and the related chat logs can be found in the text files dated from today! >:3
 
  Journal entry 179
  2013-12-29
 
  Journal entry 180
  Swindy switching in at work 2014-01-03
 
I'm currently working in a factory, and due to people taking out semester hours around new
years, I happened to be alone in my part of the production today. I realised that this was an
opportunity that should be abused to the fullest, so I asked Swindy if she wanted to try
switching with me and doing my job for a little while.
 
It took some convincing, because she was very nervous about it, but I finally convinced her to
do it. The switching procedure itself went very smoothly, as I've more or less automated my
job; it's practically nothing but muscle memory, and I've been working on disassociating from
my body while it's doing work, so that I can focus on my thoughts, meditating, or just not
thinking about anything at all, in order to make the time go by faster. It was clear when
Swindy had taken control, as she overrode the automation to some extent; the technique changed,
and the movement became a lot less precise and "automated".
 
She then proceeded to solder and wash seven ceramic vacuum gauges, over the course of about
half an hour. After that, her fear of bumping into someone and not being able to handle the
situation overtook her, and she desperately wanted to switch back. So we did.
 
I'm very proud that she managed to switch so well somewhere other than home, and with the risk
of bumping into someone. Doing mundane work seemed to help the switching procedure, since I was
already rather "zoned out" from reality, so Swindy just had to grab the body from the automated
process and go from there.
 
Happy 2014 for the journal.
 
    Journal entry 181
    Session 123 (40 minutes) 2014-01-11
   
We forced for a bit and spent a little time in wonderland, before switching. We talked about
stuff for a while, having a pretty nice time in the pool by the mansion.
 
After that, we switched, which went well. After that, she said that she didn't want to go back
down to the computer, but rather go to bed. So, I suggested she go to bed without us switching
back first.
 
She had a bit of a hard time gettig to the bed in the completely darkened room, but after
hitting an ankle into a table and almost falling over, she managed. She was very good at
falling asleep; she lay extremely still, and didn't respond to scratching urges and such, like
I usually do. When we woke up in the middle of the night, she was still switched in, which
surprised me. The feeling of waking up while being switched out was strange; it felt like
being sleep paralysed, but Swindy was moving around.
 
The next morning, she was no longer switched in.
 
    Journal entry 182
    Session 124 (2 hours) 2014-01-25
   
Switching. Swindy and Shinn wanted to play Sanctum 2, so we switched, and she played. I was
fairly aware of the game, but I spent a lot of time in my own thoughts, thinking about things
completely unrelated to it. They both did vocal possession as well, and chatted idly and
lovingly. I found it to be extremely awkward, and I could tell Swindy was a bit nervous a few
times as well. At this stage, it takes roughly two minutes for Swindy to gain basic control of
the arms and limbs, about ten for her to become comfortable in moving them, and upward 20
minutes for her to be able to speak without stuttering heavily.
 
The vocal possession felt a bit weird to begin with; she had a hard time getting started with
it, and getting the words out. And while I can disassociate from the body quickly at this
stage, it still takes a little while for her to become fully switched in, even though she might
be able to do possession quite quickly. In essence, it takes time for her to start thinking
"above" me. While she is fully switched in to the extent she's capable, the experience from my
point of view is mostly one of disassociated thought. I can "read" all of her thoughts, and I
do so unless I put effort into not doing it, but her thoughts are not under my control, and I
cannot affect them unless one of us is startled and loses focus of what we're doing.
 
If that happens, we experience mutual confusion. Things such as speech and coherent thought
become impaired for both parties, while purely mechanical aspects, such as the game being
played, keep on going as if nothing happened. And during that time, the action of playing the
game seems to have no real agent behind it; while Swindy initiated the act, she does not feel
as if she is the one playing the game. Nor am I. The brain just keeps on going as per its
earlier instructions, whether or not an agent is currently present to provide new instructions.
 
Switching back is a very seamless and quick process. Swindy is generally keen on switching out,
since she is usually a bit worn, and doesn't like the body in general (largely in part because
she identifies strongly as a lesbian, and being confronted with the utter maleness of our body
causes her discomfort). Once she's dropped control (which is obvious because the body stops
doing things - I can notice this in about a second), it's simply a matter of me moving about
as ever, in order to be back at the controls. The whole switch-back takes about five seconds,
most of them being spent on me confusedly moving my limbs about. I am generally somewhat fuzzy,
and not clear-headed for a while after switching back in, an effect which goes away within ten
minutes.
 
  Journal entry 183
  Switching in to sleep 2014-01-28
 
I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so I asked Swindy to switch in. She lay very, very
still compared to me (although she did move around and scratch herself and stuff to some
extent). She seemed to have a much easier time falling asleep than me, since we pretty much
dozed off instantaneously.
 
When we woke up today, she wasn't switched in.
 
  Journal entry 184
  Unable to access Swindy's thought process 2014-02-03
   
Today at work, Swindy was thinking about things, as she often is. Her life, love, etc. Later,
on IRC, someone asked me, upon mentioning my listening to her thoughts, "what is she thinking
about?" A question that I would normally answer by remembering what she's been thinking about,
and essentially calling forth her thought process at will, in order to analyse it. However,
today, I found myself unable to do so. I tried to do so many a time, but it was impossible.
 
I furthermore could not clearly recall what she had been thinking about; the memories were
clouded and unclear, as from a very insignificant and remote event. However, I knew that they
were not so to Swindy.
 
This is interesting; it's the first real sign I've seen of tulpa independence, that I've felt
completely powerless to affect. Up until now, Swindy and I have had full access to each others'
thought processes, essentially being able to think as each other if we wish. If this ability is
disappearing, I'm both thrilled and terrified.
 
  Journal entry 185
  Listening to audiobooks at work 2014-02-05
   
I'm listening to the first book that Swindy's actually taken an interest in (The Orange Eats
Creeps), and it's quite remarkable how much this is apparent. She clearly sticks around and
thinks about what the book is talking about, unlike how she's behaved with the earlier books
I've listened to, that she's taken no interest in. I first figured that I was simply too
involved in the books, and forgetting to think about her, but that was clearly not the case;
she was merely staying away due to lack of interest.
 
This was positive. I was very surprised by how Swindy was able to keep focused on the book,
without me being focused on it, and without me realising that she is.
 
  Journal entry 186
  Swindy getting pierced 2014-02-06
   
For the first time in quite a while, Swindy wanted to change her appearance "drastically". I
know that she's been considering a piercing for quite some time, but today, she decided to
actually get one. She made a little "thing" out of it, and had Shinn pierce her ear and mount
three small ball-ended pins in her left ear. It actually looks very good, even to me.
 
  Journal entry 193
  Session 129 (30 minutes) 2014-04-28
 
While I was putting some trash out, Swindy encouraged me to go on a walk in the dark of night.
So I did, and she wanted to just walk silently beside me, enjoying the darkness of spring.
After walking about halfway, I started meditating while walking, and letting my mostly-disused
work servitor do the walking while I was simply zoned out. (I was surprised at how well it
worked, considering I looked mostly up at the sky. It tracked the side of the road with
excellent accuracy).
 
Once we turned around to head back home at the midway point, Swindy asked if she could take
over what the servitor was doing, and I of course said yes. She slowly took over the walking
action, and turned it into a slow, jogging-like motion, accelerating over time. In the end, she
was walking in a very strange manner, essentially walking extremely quickly, but not running.
She leaned the body forward in order to gain momentum. She "ran" most of the way home, until I
stopped her by taking over the legs, sensing an oncoming heart attack. Getting control over the
legs back was actually somewhat difficult; Swindy didn't want us to stop running, and it took
roughly 20 seconds to actually get enough control back to grind us to a panting halt.
 
I worry about Swindy sometimes, since she isn't much of a doer, and tends to spend her time
by herself when she isn't talking to people on the computer, which is becoming an increasingly
rare sight. However, she keeps surprising me by doing things like this, that strengthens my
confidence in her ability to survive on her own.
 
  Journal entry 194
  Session 130 (20 minutes) 2014-05-28
 
After coming home from visiting a friend, Swindy asked in passing, if she could cuddle the
dogs. I said yes, of course, and asked her if shw wanted to switch, and she instructed me to
"sit still, be that concrete cube form or something", so I became a concrete cube.
 
She switched in within a minute or two, and spent a fair bit of time cuddling the dogs. She was
very happy while she did it, and it made me happy to see her like that, after having her be
depressed for well over a month, since Shinn died.
 
After bringing the dogs out for a moment to pee, she said that "that's OK, you can take over
and go do whatever now", and so I did.
 
  Journal entry 195
 
  Journal entry 196
  Swindy actively hiding thoughts from me 2014-06-10
 
Date is approximate.
 
While lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I noticed Swindy thinking about stuff. However, I
was unable to see what she was thinking. All I perceived was a dark red haze, as if I was
seeing a storm of rust. It was a strange experience, she does not usually hide thoughts from
me. I did some mild attempts to feel her thoughts as I usually do, but to no avail. They were
thoroughly hidden from me.
 
I am reasonably certain that she was thinking about things, because I could feel emotions, and
I felt as if the brain was processing information. Swindy was also clearly "around"; she took
no steps to hide herself. This was probably one of the most convincing instances of Swindy
doing things independently of me that I have ever experienced, and it makes me happy enough not
to question her motivation for doing so.
 
  Journal entry 197
  Differences between Swindy and I, drunk 2014-06-17
 
I drank alcohol two nights in a row, recently, spending the time by the computer, in order to
let Swindy enjoy being a bit slobbered, for once.
 
She acts very differently from me while under the influence of alcohol. I do not appreciate the
effects much; I notice myself getting more out-going, but the negative effect on reasonable
thinking outweighs the positive effect in a social setting. Swindy, on the other hand, becomes
extremely giddy and outgoing. She will laugh at anything (and often nothing), approach people,
act silly and generally have a good time. She is much more affected than I am, by a figurative
order of magnitude.
 
She is fun to deal with, drunk. She becomes talkative enough to converse even with me, and her
exchanges with her friends are heart-warming and cute (for the most part). She has some
tendencies toward being depressive, but she realises it and puts in effort to be happy, which
she succeeds with quite well.
 
In general, Swindy enjoys being drunk, and I feel that I can consider drinking sometimes, so
that she can spend some time with her friends and act stupid.
 
Tulpamancy wise, her presence tends to be very clear when we are drunk. She speaks clearly, and
she acts concisely. I have never felt any doubt about her actions while I've been drunk, but
that could plausibly be because I feel more confident in general.