Equestrian Breaker
 
Short stories of illogical/paradoxical things destroying the land.  Most by me, a few by others.
 
>Clothes you came to Equestria with are practically shreds.
>Desperately need a new pair of pants.
>Go to Rarity
>wtfarepants.jpg
>try to explain the concept
>Rarity confused over necessity to hide crotch and give space, stallions just let it hang out.
>Consider the concept while looking in the mirror
>See yellow in the window.
>fuckthat.jpg
>Getting frustrated, demand new pants.
>Rarity trying to be appeasing, still getting a hold of the concept.
>How the hell can't pants exist. What the hell is Fancypants named for.
>Rarity "Well of course he's named for-"
>Sits confused.
>Pupils shrink.
>Giant fucking rumble.
>Burning white temporal rift opens in the salon.
>Peer inside.
>Slapped in the face with a pair of pants.
>Pants everywhere.
>Rift widening.
>godwhathaveidone.jpg
>Run out of salon.
>Hear Rarity screaming about her precious clothing.
>Screaming stops.
>Wood snapping.
>Shards sucked into rift, pants explode through the shattered walls.
>Salon gone.
>Keep fucking running.
 
>Tired of being alone at home, house feels way too empty.
>Desperately need a pet.
>Go to Fluttershy
>noasparagusleft.jpg
>Tell her to give you a babe once some of the pets do the dirty deed.
>Fluttershy confused.
>Baffled. Explain concept of reproduction.
>Fluttershy says she's never heard of such a thing before.
>Consider the what she says while looking at the animals.
>Realize you haven't seen a penis on anything since you came to Equestria.
>Run over to Angel.
>Spread em.
>Nothing.
>Pupils dilate.
>Pants feel lighter.
>Giant fucking rumble.
>Burning white temporal rift opens in the cottage.
>Peer inside.
>Slapped in the face with a penis.
>Cocks everywhere.
>Rift widening.
>godwhathaveidone.jpg
>Run out of cottage
>Hear Fluttershy screaming about her precious animals.
>Screaming stops.
>Wood snapping.
>Shards sucked into rift, dongs explode through the shattered walls.
>Cottage gone.
>Keep fucking running.
 
>Be Anon
>Summer Sun Celebration
>Watch Celestia raise the sun
>Later in the year
>Winter Moon Solstice thing
>Watch Luna raise the moon
>Be in Ponyville
>Look at the Clocktower
>Just keep looking at the clocktower
>Why....does it have...12 ticks...
>5-10AM and 6-11 PM practically don't exist
>The hands don't quickly thrust forward when the sun raises or sets
>Go to Canterlot
>Ask Celestia if you can inspect the maze
>She accompanies you
>Go to the center of the maze
>Go to the middle pavillion with the stone center
"Why is there no sundial?"
>Celestia: "What do you mean?"
"All parks have sundials in them at the gazebo or in the center"
>Celestia: "What's a sundial?"
>Give Celestia your best "are you fucking kidding me" face
"A Sundial?  It's a circle with hours marked as ticks?  You place a flat piece standing straight in the middle so it creates a shadow that you use to tell time with?  It's the one of the earliest clock forms, and where we adopt our current tick system."
>Celestia sits confused.
>Pupils shrink.
>Giant fucking rumble.
>Burning white temporal rift opens in the maze
>Peer inside.
>Slammed in the face with a sundial
>Nearly break your jaw
>Sundials everywhere
>Rift widening
>godwhathaveidone.jpg
>Run out of garden maze
>Hear Celestia screaming about her precious chronology
>Screaming stops
>Wood from bushes snapping
>Shards sucked into the rift, sundials explode through the shattered maze
>Maze gone
>Keep fucking running
 
Not mine:
>Going to the bathroom in the forest
>finish. Bury shit. Wipe with leaves
>it's actually poison joke
>you shit confetti streamers and piss rainbows
>everytime you use the bathroom Pinkie pie thinks you're having a party in there.
>"it's not a party if you're by yourself silly anon!"
>get nervous and cut off midstream
>drops of yellow and blue rainbow are left on the seat.
>go to dinner
>eat grass
>get raging diarrhea
>confetti everywhere
>pinkie won't stop cheering and dancing
>just grt me some toilet paper goddamit
>what's a toilet?
>what's toilet paper?
>bathroom disappears in puff of logic
>fall into septic tank of marshmallow pony shit
>sinking
>can't get out
>terminatorthumbsup.jpg
 
>Twilight rigorously studies you to understand humans
>all she has are old texts
>decides to cast varying spells on you, none of them intentionally harmful
>one made your hair fluffy
>one made you itch uncontrollably
>one had the effect of laughing gas, pinkie requested a pony version be made
>one temporarily gave you the power of perfect voice imitation, allowing you to sound like any other pony or person
>the last one she cast caused Ron Perlman to narrate your life for a week
>you have had her re-cast the last two for months
>you have adapted to the physics of Equestria and developed a cutie mark
>it looks suspiciously like tara strong
>Twilight asks you who that is
>answer her
>Burning white temporal rift opens in the library.
>Peer inside.
>Tara Strong enters at 500mph.
>Side-dimension Tara's everywhere.
>Rift widening.
>godwhathaveidone.jpg
>Run out of library.
>Hear Twilight screaming about her precious books.
>Screaming stops.
>Wood snapping.
>Shards sucked into rift, Tara dopplegangers explode through the shattered walls.
>Library gone.
>Keep fucking running.
 
>hanging out in the middle of the plains with Twilight.
>talk about the makeup of your earth.
>"It's mostly made up of water."
>"So where does everyp0ny live if it's mostly water?"
>"No, no, there's still some land. It's all separated by oceans."
>"oceans..?"
>Giant fucking rumble.
>Burning white temporal rift opens in the ground
>Peer inside.
>10,000 pascals of water blasts directly on your face.
>water everywhere
>rift widening
>godwhathaveidone.jpg
>start to wade back toward ponyville
>hear twilight giggling about the waves
>giggling continues
>temporary waterpark fun!
>entire globe flooded
>Keep fucking swimming.
>hours later
>blast pushed you tens of miles from where you started
>treading on calm waters
>not a single soul found since
>nothing but dark blue waters and light blue skies in all directions
>water too deep to see what used to be the surface
>begin to wonder where all the water came from
>meanwhile, in the real world...