>You're a scientist working at a university
>About a third of your day is spent teaching basic skills to inexperienced freshmen
>The other two thirds is spent researching with several of your underclassmen, veterans in scientific progress and witnesses to the horrors of organic chemistry
>Currently, a foundation has given the university large sums of money to buy equipment--the caveat is that the university must perform research regarding Alzheimer disease
>You and your students labor fruitlessly for months
>Errybody be tired
>Suddenly, breakthrough!
>You and your undergrads have managed to create a protein that combats the neurological aging that causes Alzheimers
>Science needs test subjects, badly!
>Human testing is unethical, despite how inhuman your freshmen seem in their ignorance
>Can't buy any more monkeys, especially since that incident the motherfuckers in philosophy and English caused.
>They decided it'd be a great idea to test out the saying that "1,000 monkeys typing at 1,000 typewriters will eventually produce hamlet"
>You couldn't believe the amount of blood the fuckers got in your labs
>You didn't know a typewriter could fit in a monkey like that
>You didn't want to ever see it again, either.
>No more monkeys, and no Shakespeare was reproduced
>And PETA would jump down the university's throat if any housepets were used for science
>You're left with one option: fluffy ponies
 
>Wall down to the pet shop
>It's kinda chilly outside, but otherwise it's a beautiful day
>Get to the pet shop
>Open the door
>You neglect to get on the floor, however you do walk the dinosaur over to the counter.
>A look of horror comes into the owner's eyes when he sees the university's logo on your jacket
>This is the store that they special ordered the monkeys from
>"No, no, we have nothing for sale here today."
Relax, I'm getting my niece a birthday present.
>"Monkeys don't make good pets for children."
I'm not getting another monkey; my niece loves this show on TV about ponies, so I thought I'd get her one of those fluffy ponies that have gotten real popular.
>"No sir, we don't sell those."
I walked by their pen on the way in. Look, I'm serious: this is for my daughter. What sick man would experiment on a fluffy pony? Besides, they don't have enough body mass to be scientifically useful in the testing we do at the university.
>With a sigh, the owner walks over to the fluffy pen
>"Take your pick." he says flatly.
She likes the pink one in the show.
>You point to a pink one with a red mane
I'll take that one.
>The clerk takes picks it up, scans and removes the barcode tied to its hoof, and hands it to you.
>He doesn't say a word
Well, have a good day.
>Still nothing
>Fucker won't say anything
>You walk out of the store with your new fluffy pony
>Oh the science we're gonna do together!
 
>Get back to the lab
>All your upperclassmen have left
>You figure it doesn't take more than one person to inject a pony with a syringe
>"Fwuffy pway?"
No, not right now. We'll play later.
>"But I wan' pway now!"
Okay, let's play hide and seek. Now, close your eyes and count to ten!
>"Yay fun pway! One...two....uhhh....one..."
>Fluffy can't count above two, so it just keeps going back to one
>Plenty of time
>You grab a needle and begin drawing it with the serum
>Grab the fluffy, stab it with the needle, and inject the serum
>The fluffy screams
>"Meanie! Owies, fwuffy hurts fwom meany's poker!"
>You hope you don't end up waking the night janitor
>You owe him some money since the last time he kicked your ass at cards, and you've been avoiding him ever since
>Seriously, fuck him. Fuck the pet shop guy. But more importantly:
>Fuck your freshmen.
>The goddamned fluffy is still screaming
>You realize you need its vocal chords in tact
>With a sigh, you inject it again with a sedative
>You wince from the screech it makes, but then it goes limp
>Fuck, you killed it.
>Well, that kind of sucks
>Oh well, you can at least have some fun dissecting it tomorrow.
>Yeah, that'll be cool.
>Leave the corpse on the table
>Cover it with a small sheet so your freshmen don't get the heebie jeebies like the last time you dissected something
>There were just so many dead monkeys in the typewriter incident...they wouldn't miss one corpse.
>The freshmen didn't eat bananas for like a month
>You started eating bananas every day once you noticed
>Laughed your ass off at their faces
>Exit the lab, turn off the light
>The mass under the sheet grows larger
 
>Wake up in the morning
>Feel quite like P-Diddy
>Glance at your calendar, realize what day it is
>It's 7:00 in the morning
>Gotta wake up
>Gotta go downstairs, have a bowl of cereal
>Cheerilee O's.
>Exit your humble abode
>Walk to work
>You've always walked to work; you lived incredibly close to the university
>Enter your science building
>Fuck yeah, it's Friday.
>And fuck yeah, it's your birthday. You might not yell at the freshmen today
>You're in an awesome mood
>But...
>Something seems...off
>The lights are on in your lab
>Jimmie status: Rustled
>If it's a freshman fucking around in your room, you're going to have another body to dissect.
>Open the door
>"SURPRISE!"
>What in the absolute fuck?
>There is a pony in your lab
>There are balloons everywhere
>The music is kindof catchy
>Everything seems cool besides the pony and--
WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ARE YOU FAGCUNTS DOING?
>Your freshmen are eating. In your lab.
>Your freshmen are drinking. In your lab.
>You expressly told them never to do this.
>The music stops
>You hear a dripping
>Oh god, what now?
>A freshman has pissed itself.
Fuck.
>It runs out crying.
>Double fuck.
>The other freshmen file out silently.
>Oh well, at least you have tenure.
>"Hey, what's the big idea? I was just throwing a party for you since it's your birthday and all!"
>You look over to the pink equine
>She runs out to get the freshmen
>They come back in
>The party resumes
>The freshmen never eat or drink again in your lab
>Pink equine walks over to you
>You realize something:
>Pinkie pie is in your lab throwing you a birthday party.
 
>You weren't a brony
>You hated bronies
>They were flamboyant faggots, and flaunted their love of a little girls' show like your freshmen flaunted their ignorance
>Fuck your freshmen.
>Still, pink equine standing in front of you.
Who are you, and how did you get here?
>You know the answer to the first part already
>"My name is Pinkie Pie, and you bought me from the pet store, remember? I didn't appreciate being stabbed like that last night...but it's fine! Here, have a muffin!"
>She hands you a muffin
I don't know, really, it'---
>She shoves it in your mouth
>Jesus in a corndog, that is the most delicious muffin you have ever eatin
>You savor its flavor until you com to a sudden realization
You're the fluffy I bought last night?!
>"Yeah, you silly filly! Don't you recognize me?"
But you aren't fluffy!
>"Whatever you injected me with turned me into this! I feel a lot smarter and stronger now."
>Your jimmies are so rustled, that their jimmies are rustled. It's jimmieception going on inside of you.
Well-I...
>Fuck
>This isn't good
>You thought you had a cure to Alzheimer disease
>It turns out, you created a sentient species
>And you don't get to cut open a corpse
>Well, that last bit could be fixed...
>You glance over to a freshman, babbling to its classmate about something stupid
>No, not today.
>You can't afford manslaughter today
>Not when science has been done.
>You decide to take Pinkie out to eat tonight
Hey Pinkie, ever heard of the Chuckle Bucket?
 
>Pinkie agrees to come with you
>You both go to the Chuckle Bucket, an awesome standup joint that had great hot wings
>Somehow, Pinkie has acquired a tuxedo
>Order your food, idle chat with Pinkie about the stupidity of your freshmen while watching the standup
>The first comedian was pretty good
>The second one bombed
>You hate to say it, but even your freshmen could do better than that
>Fuck your freshmen
>"Hey Anon, I've got an idea!"
What, Pinkie?
>"I'll get up there and do some standup!"
>This won't end well
Pinkie, I...
>Before you can say anything, she's up there in ten seconds flat
>She pauses, a look of horror on her face
>You have got to be kidding me
>Pinkie Pie, life of the party, has stage fright
>Someone in the crowd shots "Come on, what are you waiting for?"
>Pinkie gets an idea
>Pun cannon activate
>"I dunno, water you waiting for?"
>She takes a sip of water
>Fluffy pone drowns
>You need a new fluffy pone