[1/3/2013 12:13:16 AM] Me: Alright, I sent you the important thing I needed to tell  you.
[1/3/2013 12:13:27 AM] Me: Which only seems fair considering I've already told A/X
[1/3/2013 12:13:33 AM] Me: READ AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE
[1/3/2013 1:45:08 AM] Mister E: I haven't read the whole thing yet
[1/3/2013 1:45:14 AM] Mister E: But I am working through it
[1/3/2013 1:45:26 AM] Mister E: I might mention this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quincunx
[1/3/2013 1:45:28 AM] Me: Understood
[1/3/2013 1:45:39 AM] Mister E: You mention it in your astral journey, I thought you should know it is a mystical symbol of fairly lengthy and historical meaning.
[1/3/2013 1:46:32 AM] Me: I need to reread this
[1/3/2013 1:46:36 AM] Me: Because I wat
[1/3/2013 1:47:55 AM] Mister E: 2:46 PM - Me: So we went into this room, and there were five little magic circles, that kind of overlapped a bit, but were ordered like...
 
2:46 PM - Me: If you've ever seen a six sided die
 
2:46 PM - Me: The number five?
 
2:46 PM - Me: Two dots at the top, one dot in the middle, two dots on the bottom?
 
2:47 PM - Me: She told me to stand in the middle and make sure one hoof was in each circle, and also not to move.
[1/3/2013 1:48:04 AM] Mister E: #tw
[1/3/2013 1:48:07 AM] Me: Oh
[1/3/2013 1:48:25 AM] Me: Me blushes.
[1/3/2013 1:48:26 AM | Edited 1:48:29 AM] Me: Right.
[1/3/2013 2:22:47 AM] Mister E: Ready to talk about this?
[1/3/2013 2:22:52 AM] Mister E: (if you want to.)
[1/3/2013 2:23:25 AM] Me: I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
[1/3/2013 2:23:36 AM] Me: Do keep in mind that I feel absolutely ridiculous about ALL OF IT
[1/3/2013 2:23:47 AM] Me: Although your link did help me feel 0.5% more vindicated
[1/3/2013 2:24:13 AM] Me: Then I remembered, I think my Mom is a character from a cartoon, or at least depicted in one
[1/3/2013 2:25:02 AM] Mister E: First of all I do not think you are insane.
[1/3/2013 2:25:08 AM] Mister E: Nor should you be institutionalized.
[1/3/2013 2:25:15 AM] Mister E: And quite frankly I doubt any institution would accept you.
[1/3/2013 2:25:59 AM] Me: Probably not
[1/3/2013 2:26:07 AM] Me: I'm very good at being sane.
[1/3/2013 2:26:09 AM] Me: Most of the time
[1/3/2013 2:26:15 AM] Mister E: That said.
[1/3/2013 2:26:34 AM] Me: TyrionLannister_BUT.mp3
[1/3/2013 2:26:53 AM] Mister E: I do think that you are constructing a delusional fantasy as a coping mechanism to overcome the trauma of your youth and your own GENDER dysphoria.
[1/3/2013 2:27:00 AM] Mister E: Now do not despair.
[1/3/2013 2:27:11 AM] Mister E: That doesn't mean I do not think your astral journey is "not real".
[1/3/2013 2:27:16 AM] Mister E: That's stupid, nobody knows what real is.
[1/3/2013 2:27:26 AM] Me: Me nods.
[1/3/2013 2:27:44 AM] Mister E: I got the feeling, however, that you think of these journeys are external.
[1/3/2013 2:27:49 AM] Mister E: They are internal journeys.
[1/3/2013 2:28:05 AM] Mister E: To use terms I know we can both share, you are not exploring the Supernal, you are exploring the Temenos.
[1/3/2013 2:28:10 AM] Mister E: (in my opinion)
[1/3/2013 2:28:36 AM] Me: There's no way the Supernal would be equivalent to 'home' in even the vaguest sense.
[1/3/2013 2:28:43 AM] Mister E: Well I mean
[1/3/2013 2:28:47 AM] Mister E: you aren't visiting another place.
[1/3/2013 2:29:13 AM] Mister E: You are utilizing symbolism and exploring your own subconscious to process thoughts and emotions you do not have any other acceptable way to deal with.
[1/3/2013 2:29:18 AM] Me: And I thought of it as an internal journey and an external one
[1/3/2013 2:29:26 AM] Me: You can do both, be gay and move to Canada, and all that.
[1/3/2013 2:31:47 AM] Me: Your analysis was my initial one.
[1/3/2013 2:32:04 AM] Me: Then again, it's something that has bothered me for as long as I can remember
[1/3/2013 2:32:07 AM] Me: In a very literal way
[1/3/2013 2:32:15 AM] Me: Even when I still loved my dad, and he loved me back
[1/3/2013 2:32:24 AM] Me: And my 'real' mom was a joy to be around
[1/3/2013 2:33:23 AM] Mister E: You grew up in a shitty situation in a body that isn't the one you should have.
[1/3/2013 2:33:43 AM] Mister E: As you became an adult your situation certainly didn't improve and it greatly hindered your ability to acknowledge your true self.
[1/3/2013 2:34:34 AM] Mister E: Otherkin are not a true thing, however.  The idea can be a useful tool but it has to be remembered that species dysphoria simply does not exist, especially for fictional species.
[1/3/2013 2:34:47 AM] Me: Me nods.
[1/3/2013 2:34:53 AM] Me: Right.
[1/3/2013 2:35:00 AM] Mister E: Although
[1/3/2013 2:35:08 AM] Mister E: I don't think there's anything wrong with WANTING to be a different species.
[1/3/2013 2:35:17 AM] Mister E: That's sane.
[1/3/2013 2:35:25 AM] Mister E: Unfortunate in that it cannot currently happen.
[1/3/2013 2:35:32 AM] Mister E: But it likely will soonish?
[1/3/2013 2:35:48 AM] Me: Maybe.
[1/3/2013 2:35:52 AM] Me: Who knows?
[1/3/2013 2:36:01 AM] Mister E: Yeah.
[1/3/2013 2:36:02 AM] Mister E: Exactly.
[1/3/2013 2:36:34 AM] Mister E: So I think your ex was slightly correct in saying that your options were to seek help or journey deeper.
[1/3/2013 2:36:47 AM] Mister E: But like you said, you can do both, be gay and move to canada.
[1/3/2013 2:37:07 AM] Mister E: Once you get a little more settled here you should really check out a GOOD therapist.
[1/3/2013 2:37:29 AM] Mister E: I know of at least one in Madison that is aware and understanding of the problems you're facing, and is willing to work on a sliding scale.
[1/3/2013 2:37:49 AM] Me: I'll consider it.
[1/3/2013 2:38:00 AM] Mister E: In the meanwhile, continue to use this mystic experience to try and overcome your traumas.
[1/3/2013 2:38:13 AM] Mister E: Just don't convince yourself so deeply of its veracity that you become catatonic.
[1/3/2013 2:38:25 AM] Me: I wont.
[1/3/2013 2:38:26 AM] Mister E: Your friend was correct in likening that to suicide.
[1/3/2013 2:38:39 AM] Mister E: I hope you are not offended by my somewhat blunt words here.
[1/3/2013 2:38:54 AM] Mister E: I just respect and like you, and think you're strong enough to handle hearing what I think without hating me for it.
[1/3/2013 2:39:38 AM] Me: I don't hate you.
[1/3/2013 2:39:41 AM] Me: Thank you for your honesty.
[1/3/2013 2:39:50 AM] Me: Honesty is pretty important to me in friendships.
[1/3/2013 2:40:02 AM] Me: I have a habit of knowing when someone is not being honest
[1/3/2013 2:40:05 AM] Mister E: I want you to be happy and succeed, because seldom have I met someone who deserves it more.
[1/3/2013 2:40:07 AM] Me: That tends to ruin things very badly for me
[1/3/2013 2:40:12 AM] Mister E: You are really, really, really an excellent person.
[1/3/2013 2:40:14 AM] Me: And like I told my ex
[1/3/2013 2:40:21 AM] Me: I'm not putting my eggs in one basket
[1/3/2013 2:40:27 AM] Me: I am maintaining a responsible existence
[1/3/2013 2:43:33 AM] Mister E: You seriously amaze me.
[1/3/2013 2:43:40 AM] Me: How so?
[1/3/2013 2:43:51 AM] Mister E: Your integrity is startling.
[1/3/2013 2:44:04 AM] Mister E: Vastly outstripping that of your peers.
[1/3/2013 2:44:16 AM] Mister E: When you say a thing, it is so.  That is not true of most people.
[1/3/2013 2:44:27 AM] Me: I dunno if it's integrity as much as it is a bizarre kind of humility that only reveals itself when I'm 'not' wearing a mask
[1/3/2013 2:44:59 AM] Me: But that should be typical for an Obrimos?
[1/3/2013 2:45:02 AM] Mister E: Also you have repeatedly walked four miles in snow and ice to and from an honestly shitty job just to pull yourself out of a hole you're in.
[1/3/2013 2:45:16 AM] Mister E: And as far as I can tell it isn't killing you inside to do so.
[1/3/2013 2:45:17 AM] Me: That's not a shitty job
[1/3/2013 2:45:20 AM] Me: It is a very good job
[1/3/2013 2:45:25 AM] Mister E: It is somehow both.
[1/3/2013 2:45:48 AM] Me: Even the stressful situations are stressful in a way that don't make me want to bury sharp implements in people
[1/3/2013 2:56:26 AM] Me: I wont lie.
[1/3/2013 2:56:29 AM] Me: It hurts to hear these things
[1/3/2013 2:56:36 AM] Me: But that is probably the point of Judgement
[1/3/2013 2:57:12 AM] Me: The key is to be STR0NG enough to accept the judgement of your peers.
[1/3/2013 2:57:29 AM] Mister E: By all means, don't take my word for it.
[1/3/2013 2:57:39 AM] Mister E: Collect a wide variety of thoughts and integrate them with your own.
[1/3/2013 2:57:51 AM] Me: That's what we are doing.
[1/3/2013 3:03:09 AM] Me: Gonna go to sleep so I can wake up early and get groceries
[1/3/2013 3:03:12 AM] Me: Oh, right
[1/3/2013 3:03:15 AM] Me: Rachel has a test tomorrow
[1/3/2013 3:04:30 AM] Me: Eh, I'm just going to sleep.
[1/3/2013 3:04:41 AM] Me: I hope you have a quiet evening.
[1/3/2013 3:04:53 AM] Mister E: Thank you, sleep well.
[1/3/2013 3:14:03 AM] Me: Thing is, even if I did take your word for it, I doubt I could act on them.
[1/3/2013 3:14:10 AM] Me: I tried that for about 5 years.
[1/3/2013 3:14:18 AM] Me: Didn't exactly work out too well.
[1/3/2013 3:14:37 AM] Me: Maybe I'll surprise everyone, and maybe I wont.
[1/3/2013 3:14:39 AM] Me: Me shrugs
[1/3/2013 3:14:53 AM] Me: And... this would be why Wolf's Rain was a series I liked a lot
[1/3/2013 3:15:13 AM] Me: Even though when I try to watch it now, the voice acting and such makes me wince.
[1/3/2013 3:15:41 AM] Mister E: If your body goes coma I would assume you had convinced yourself that what you were imagining was true, and went catatonic psychologically.
[1/3/2013 3:15:51 AM] Mister E: Sorry, but its just the truth.
[1/3/2013 3:15:56 AM] Me: Me shrugs
[1/3/2013 3:16:34 AM] Me: That's what a normal logical person would assume.
[1/3/2013 3:16:44 AM] Me: Unfortunately I can't seem to pull off either of those things.
[1/3/2013 3:16:58 AM] Mister E: Sure you can.
[1/3/2013 3:17:14 AM | Edited 3:17:21 AM] Me: And why would I even 'want' to?
[1/3/2013 3:17:19 AM] Mister E: You're just deciding not to so you can continue to pursue escapism.  That's perfectly normal.
[1/3/2013 3:17:31 AM] Mister E: Pretty much everyone does it.
[1/3/2013 3:19:58 AM] Me: I doubt myself pretty heavily
[1/3/2013 3:20:20 AM] Me: And stuff has happened since that conversation with my Ex.
[1/3/2013 3:20:40 AM] Me: And if I were going to convince myself it were real, and go catatonic, it would have happened then.
[1/3/2013 3:21:01 AM] Me: So I don't myself just going catatonic out of 'convincing' myself it's real
[1/3/2013 3:21:20 AM] Me: It's much easier for me to believe I'm insane, than right.
[1/3/2013 3:21:22 AM] Me: Even so.
[1/3/2013 3:21:41 AM] Me: Pursuing it is kinda the only thing that makes sense to me
[1/3/2013 3:21:49 AM] Me: Beyond working to survive in the here and now
[1/3/2013 3:21:59 AM] Mister E: Well
[1/3/2013 3:22:03 AM] Mister E: Going catatonic would be going insane.
[1/3/2013 3:22:37 AM] Mister E: Why would you pursue a fiction when your immediately relevant life is so clearly and steadily improving?
[1/3/2013 3:23:09 AM] Me: Because it's not about having a better or worse life
[1/3/2013 3:23:14 AM] Me: It's about getting back what is mine.
[1/3/2013 3:23:26 AM] Mister E: What is yours?
[1/3/2013 3:23:36 AM] Me: I'm not entirely sure yet.
[1/3/2013 3:23:49 AM] Mister E: Nothing belongs to you.
[1/3/2013 3:23:54 AM] Mister E: Ownership is a societal construct.
[1/3/2013 3:25:55 AM] Me: I don't think we're talking about the same kind of ownership.
[1/3/2013 3:26:27 AM] Mister E: Well I was pushing what we were talking about towards some Buddhist ideas of suffering and release.
[1/3/2013 3:26:36 AM] Me: Yeah
[1/3/2013 3:26:39 AM] Me: But fuck buddhists.
[1/3/2013 3:26:42 AM] Me: They're terrible people
[1/3/2013 3:26:45 AM] Mister E: Haha.
[1/3/2013 3:26:49 AM] Mister E: Most people are.
[1/3/2013 3:26:57 AM] Mister E: But that doesn't make their ideas illegitimate.
[1/3/2013 3:27:04 AM] Mister E: If you separate them from dogma, anyway.
[1/3/2013 3:27:14 AM] Me: Sorry Ex ;_;
[1/3/2013 3:27:16 AM] Me: I can't help it.
[1/3/2013 3:27:21 AM] Me: I'm a Page of Hope
[1/3/2013 3:28:27 AM] Me: GT: I guess i should be boning up on hope though. What can you tell me about that?
uu: I DON'T KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT HOPE.
uu: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FORCE OF "UNPARALLELED POWER". BUT REALLY. IT SOUNDS SO LAME.
uu: BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT MAKES SENSE THAT IT'S YOUR ASPECT.
uu: YOU STRIKE ME AS A GUY WHO IS LAME ENOUGH. TO HOPE SOMEONE TO DEATH. SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL *ME* ABOUT IT??
GT: Tell you about hope?
GT: Um well its something i think everyone should have in their hearts.
uu: I KNEW IT. YOU JUST SAID.
uu: THE LAMEST POSSIBLE THING.
GT: But i wasnt finished!
uu: FUCK.
GT: Hope to me is all about believing in stuff.
GT: If you believe in stuff then everything feels like its going to turn out ok.
GT: And if you believe in stuff with enough gusto i dare say it imbues that stuff with a pinch more chutzpah. Even the fake stuff!
GT: And then if you keep an open mind and adventurous spirit, that chutzpah flows directly into your heart, and thats when YOU have the power.
GT: So i think if hope grants one the power to smite villainy and vanquish hooligans thats probably where it comes from!
uu: NO.
uu: OH GOD. NO.
uu: THAT IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I'VE EVER READ.
uu: THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.
GT: Well THERES your problem dude. You dont want to BELIEVE!
GT: Just let go and believe in things. Then youll find you had the power in you all along.
[1/3/2013 3:29:32 AM] Mister E: Whoever GT is
[1/3/2013 3:29:37 AM] Mister E: I couldn't possibly agree more.
[1/3/2013 3:29:46 AM] Me: He's golgathaTerror
[1/3/2013 3:29:53 AM] Me: And Jade's Grandfather, as a kid
[1/3/2013 3:29:55 AM] Me: Because it's Homestuck
[1/3/2013 3:31:34 AM] Me: Anyway, Hope to me is believing in Home, against my better judgement. In that place I was looking for even before my brother was born, and my 'real' home was very nice, and we lived in a house and everything, next to the beach.
[1/3/2013 3:31:49 AM] Mister E: By all means, that is an excellent idea.
[1/3/2013 3:31:49 AM] Me: And sadly, against the judgement of most of my friends, I guess
[1/3/2013 3:32:02 AM] Mister E: But home doesn't have to be a place inside your head.
[1/3/2013 3:32:07 AM] Mister E: Why not bring it here, instead of trying to go there?
[1/3/2013 3:32:16 AM] Me: I don't believe that it is a place inside of my head
[1/3/2013 3:32:33 AM] Mister E: [Thursday, January 03, 2013 3:32 AM] Mister E:
 
<<< Why not bring it here, instead of trying to go there?
[1/3/2013 3:32:40 AM] Me: As you mentioned, I believe the astral projection thing is an external journey
[1/3/2013 3:33:03 AM] Mister E: That's very unhealthy for you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
[1/3/2013 3:33:05 AM] Me: As that particular phenomena is typically considered
[1/3/2013 3:33:17 AM] Me: Me shrugs.
[1/3/2013 3:33:27 AM] Me: If that's how it has to be.
[1/3/2013 3:33:34 AM] Mister E: It isn't how it has to be though.
[1/3/2013 3:33:35 AM] Me: My drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens, etc
[1/3/2013 3:33:44 AM] Mister E: You're acting like you're in the throes of destiny, but you aren't.
[1/3/2013 3:33:58 AM] Mister E: You have the power to make decisions, to choose what you believe and how you act on those beliefs.
[1/3/2013 3:34:16 AM] Me: I don't think I'm in the throes of destiny
[1/3/2013 3:34:26 AM] Mister E: Then why is it how it must be?
[1/3/2013 3:34:28 AM] Me: I just think whatever choices I am confronted with, I already made them
[1/3/2013 3:35:19 AM] Mister E: You aren't being hopeful at all.
[1/3/2013 3:35:48 AM] Me: Whatever happened to not having to take your word for it? XD
[1/3/2013 3:36:37 AM] Mister E: Haha, that is still true.
[1/3/2013 3:36:41 AM] Mister E: But you should.
[1/3/2013 3:36:58 AM] Me: That is such a Mastigos thing to say.
[1/3/2013 3:37:14 AM] Mister E: No one has ever regretted taking my advice.
[1/3/2013 3:37:22 AM] Me: The thing is
[1/3/2013 3:37:29 AM] Me: I've already given myself that advice, and taken it
[1/3/2013 3:37:40 AM] Me: And regretted every minute after that decision.
[1/3/2013 3:37:52 AM] Mister E: I reiterate though: you are giving into despair.
[1/3/2013 3:38:07 AM] Mister E: You are saying "I cannot be truly happy here.  I will never be truly happy here."
[1/3/2013 3:38:28 AM] Mister E: Every time I talk to you around the apartment recently, you are semi-jokingly griping about how terrible your life is.
[1/3/2013 3:38:54 AM] Me: That's not exactly a recent development.
[1/3/2013 3:38:58 AM] Mister E: It isn't terrible though, not at all.
[1/3/2013 3:39:07 AM] Mister E: You're extremely blessed and your blessing are only growing.
[1/3/2013 3:39:09 AM] Me: That has always been just my sense of humor
[1/3/2013 3:39:12 AM] Me: As far as lives go
[1/3/2013 3:39:15 AM] Me: Mine could be far worse.
[1/3/2013 3:39:41 AM] Me: I also joke about killing people a lot.
[1/3/2013 3:39:48 AM] Me: That doesn't mean I secretly want to kill everyone
[1/3/2013 3:40:25 AM] Mister E: So
[1/3/2013 3:40:38 AM] Mister E: Are you happy or getting happier?
[1/3/2013 3:40:44 AM] Me: Both?
[1/3/2013 3:40:50 AM] Me: But I still don't feel 'at home'
[1/3/2013 3:41:17 AM] Me: I don't even really care about the transgender thing
[1/3/2013 3:41:22 AM] Me: Gender is a stupid concept
[1/3/2013 3:41:33 AM] Me: I'm pretty content to just take my medicine and let people call me whatever they want
[1/3/2013 3:42:38 AM] Mister E: Gender is stupid.
[1/3/2013 3:42:40 AM] Mister E: I agree.
[1/3/2013 3:42:48 AM] Mister E: Sex isn't (currently) stupid though.
[1/3/2013 3:44:10 AM] Me: Anyway, I just think your understanding of the situation is framed by a misunderstood interpretation of my emotional state of being.
[1/3/2013 3:44:28 AM] Me: Sure I'm griping lately, I'm sure that will abate when I get some groceries and stop feeling like a freeloader
[1/3/2013 3:44:37 AM] Me: Even when I'm working one job, and maybe even two soon
[1/3/2013 3:44:53 AM] Me: And if I 'look' miserable, that's just my default look.
[1/3/2013 3:45:07 AM] Me: That's kinda hard to change after about of a decade of misery
[1/3/2013 3:45:15 AM] Me: Even if I'm quite happy with the way things are.
[1/3/2013 3:48:34 AM] Mister E: I hear you.
[1/3/2013 3:49:11 AM] Me: Getting back home would even be vaguely depressing, at least at first?
[1/3/2013 3:49:15 AM] Me: I'd be leaving behind a lot of great friends.
[1/3/2013 3:50:25 AM] Mister E: Not to mention
[1/3/2013 3:50:31 AM] Mister E: There's a whole universe here to explore.
[1/3/2013 3:55:37 AM] Me: That's cool and all.
[1/3/2013 3:55:42 AM] Me: Mainly worried about the friends
[1/3/2013 3:56:12 AM] Me: That's what makes 'here' important in the first place.
[1/3/2013 3:57:30 AM] Mister E: Yeah, probably.