Never tell your password to anyone.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
1:15 PM - A: Who is "I’s #1 Fan," ?
1:16 PM - A: They're on my friendlist, but also just a ? mark
1:17 PM - I: Alice.
1:18 PM - I: She randomly deleted everyone on her contact list a month or so ago, because depression.
1:18 PM - I: I convinced her to snap out of it a bit.
1:18 PM - A: I... see.
1:18 PM - A: Well, good job.
1:18 PM - A salutes.
1:18 PM - I: Oh no, I didn't 'fix' anything, make no mistake.
1:18 PM - I: Just trying to be a good friend to her, I suppose.
1:19 PM - I: I want her to be happier.
1:19 PM - I: I wish that for many people.
1:19 PM - A: Your mistake was thinking I believe people can be fixed.
1:19 PM - A: You did close to the best you can do with people.
1:20 PM - I: I sure hope I did.
1:20 PM - I: I am weird, I think.
1:20 PM - I: I don't really understand why I am this sympathetic/empathetic towards people I've never met face to face.
1:21 PM - I: It's almost detrimental to my own life, perhaps.
1:24 PM - I: I really do hope I made several people's lives better.
1:24 PM - I: Like, actually *did* something instead of just 'being nice'.
1:26 PM - A: You did.
1:26 PM - A: Don't worry.
1:28 PM - I: I just don't want to be that person who thinks to themselves as 'nice guy' while not really doing shit to help anyone.
1:28 PM - I: World has too many of them and I'd rather not add to that number.
1:30 PM - A: I think that you are concerned by that is evidence you don't need to worry.
1:30 PM - A: Sorta like constant concern that I'm just insane and should be locked up is evidence that I should be less concerned about the state of my lucidity
1:30 PM - A: Even if I think Luna is my mom and I can 'totally' make it back 'home' someday.
1:33 PM - I: Wait... that last part I wasn't aware of.
1:34 PM - A: Yeah well, I've kept it to myself ever since I kept having uh... memory issues.
1:34 PM - A: And sorta stopped talking to people from efchan in general.
1:34 PM - I: Memory issues?
1:34 PM - I: Is this recent?
1:37 PM - A: No
1:37 PM - A: This is like months ago.
1:37 PM - A: Well, at least three or four
1:39 PM - A: In many ways it is a long story that sorta spans my whole life.
1:40 PM - I: Is this something you are okay with getting into at this moment or would you prefer we talked about something else?
1:40 PM - A: No.
1:40 PM - A: It's fine
1:40 PM - I: It's tangential, after all.
1:40 PM - A: I've meant to tell you for awhile now
1:40 PM - A: I managed to gather the courage to talk to Doctum about it
1:40 PM - I: Do tell, then, I shall listen.
1:40 PM - A: I still needed to do so with you and Radiance
1:40 PM - A: Mostly because uh...
1:40 PM - A: If I 'vanish'
1:41 PM - A: I don't want you guys to think something bad happened to me.
1:41 PM - I: Go on.
1:43 PM - A: Okay, sorry
1:43 PM - A: I was talking to my roommate
1:43 PM - A: So lets see.
1:43 PM - A: The sequence of events may or may not be terribly confusing.
1:43 PM - A: But I will begin as best I can.
1:44 PM - A: So, yeah.
1:44 PM - A: You know how the pony thing was an issue.
1:44 PM - A: Pretty much everyone did, really.
1:44 PM - A: The thing is, when I was 'joking' about being 'as bad as otherkin'?
1:44 PM - A: I was not joking.
1:45 PM - A: More importantly, it was hard to dismiss those memories and feelings because they were not part of some platonic ideal.
1:45 PM - A: I didn't 'want' to be an Alicorn, I wanted to be a Pegasus.
1:46 PM - A: I don't think alicorns are cooler. Pegasi are  smaller and faster and stuff like that.
1:46 PM - A: Typically it takes a pretty good artist to make me like how Alicorns look
1:46 PM - A: Anyway I'm rambling
1:46 PM - A: It just felt like 'what I was'.
1:47 PM - A: And also, I've kinda spent my whole life thinking I'm 'not from here'
1:47 PM - A: Ever since I was five, really.
1:47 PM - A: Probably why I obsessed over movies like Disney's Hercules as a kid
1:47 PM - A: Which I gave far more praise than it deserved.
1:48 PM - A: There is a lot of exposition to voice all at once.
I is now Away.
1:48 PM - I: Yeah, I am not having the easiest time following this, but I think I am sort of seeing it.
1:49 PM - I: Take your time.
1:49 PM - I: I am not going anywhere.
1:49 PM - A: Okay.
1:49 PM - A: So, I just...
1:49 PM - A: Started remembering things, without really trying to
1:50 PM - A: And not necessarily while I was asleep
1:50 PM - A: Of being a little Alicorn filly, and Luna being all motherly to me.
1:50 PM - A: Like, I figured out my cutie mark would be stars, even if I wasn't aware of it back then, and it's too late now
1:51 PM - A: Because I had a pretty intense memory while laying down
I is now Online.
1:51 PM - A: Where we were sitting on the roof of one of the buildings with a telescope
1:51 PM - A: And I watched her move the stars around on a tedious and individual basis.
1:51 PM - A: And she told me about them and what she was doing while I watched.
1:52 PM - A: And I decided that I wanted to be friends with all of those stars
1:52 PM - A: And learn each of their names.
1:52 PM - A: Well, eventually
1:53 PM - A: I started talking to this stuff with a friend who I had made recently
1:53 PM - A: (Because they were newer, the emotional connection between us had less precedent, but still existed, making them trustworthy but also less devastating to my world if this revelation upset them.)
1:54 PM - A: And all I really had to go on was "I think Luna is my mom,"
1:54 PM - A: "And everytime someone I just met jokes about how I was probably raised by Luna, or are related to her,"
1:54 PM - A: "I kinda cringe inwardly,"
1:54 PM - A: "Like I am trying to ignore something important for the sake of not seeming absolutely ridiculous,"
1:55 PM - A: And she said "You should try astral projection, and ask her,"
1:55 PM - A: And I was all "That is a thing you can do? But... She's a cartoon character,"
1:55 PM - A: And apparently traveling between worlds isn't really a big deal in Projection, as long as you have some kind of connection to the place
1:56 PM - A: Like, the connections I always made a big deal about in my head, and labled as threads, ordering them and assigning a color to each based on the nature of the connection, is a tangible thing.
I is now Away.
1:56 PM - A: Other people recognize that too.
1:57 PM - A: And I guess that is related to the Silver Chord that supposedly anchors you to the body.
1:57 PM - A: Anyway she said I should try that, it 'sounds like you're already trying to do that subconciously anyway'
1:58 PM - A: "Whenever you talk about how it feels like you space out in bed and then feel like you're falling until you slam into it? That's you starting to leave your body before being yanked back by your chord,"
1:58 PM - A: So I did.
1:58 PM - A: Are you following so far?
1:59 PM - I: Seriously, do go on.
12:00 PM - I: Welp, kinda funny how this coincides with this otherkin thread of /ef/ that just got made.
2:00 PM - I: But I digress.
2:00 PM - A: I don't even read /ef/
2:00 PM - A: Should I read it or will it make me miserable?
2:00 PM - I: I think we both exactly know what the thread contains.
2:01 PM - I: I'd rather finish hearing your story.
2:02 PM - A: So anyway.
2:02 PM - A: I did the projection thing
2:02 PM - A: And I got 'home' pretty easily.
2:03 PM - A: And every feeling I was hoping to experience
2:03 PM - A: Whenever I ran away as a kid
2:03 PM - A: The thing that made me desparetly try every religion I could find, hoping some diety could tell me what had happened to me, and get me home
2:03 PM - A: Just 'being here' was it.
2:04 PM - A: This was it, this was 'home'
2:04 PM - A: To say I was happy about this is an understatement, I could barely contain myself.
2:04 PM - I: When was this again?
2:04 PM - A: Uh...
2:04 PM - A: Late October?
2:05 PM - I: Right, carry on.
2:05 PM - A: Actually, no it wasn't, it just feels that long.
2:05 PM - A: It was 'after Gunthor'
2:05 PM - A: Whenever that was anymore.
2:05 PM - A: So, nopony could see me
2:06 PM - A: And I didn't really notice them, though I acknowledge that they were there
2:06 PM - A: I was in some castle, and all that.
2:06 PM - A: It wasn't exactly copy pasted from an episode or something
2:07 PM - A: Anyway, I was pretty much right outside my mom's room anyway, so I didn't have much reason to go exploring.
2:07 PM - A: My attachment to that place was her, so it was like being a ghost with only one anchor
2:07 PM - A: So everything else was blurry and indistinct, like looking at an object through thick fog.
2:08 PM - A: But everything in her room was extremely detailed and vivid.
2:08 PM - A: Really, as long as she was looking at something or acknowledging it, it was.
2:08 PM - A: People keep talking about that tulpa thing, this was almost like being somepony else's tulpa.
2:09 PM - A: Anyway, I just kinda stood there for a long time, watching her read and write
2:09 PM - A: And she didn't notice me.
2:09 PM - A: As you can imagine, it's pretty hard to walk up to something that is ostensibly a cartoon horse and ask "Are you my mommy?"
2:10 PM - A: I also forgot to mention that in this state I was a perfectly typical little Alicorn, to put it in relatable terms
2:10 PM - A: So I at least didn't have to feel like an awkward human there.
2:10 PM - A: Anyway, eventually I started to get the impression she could see me
2:11 PM - A: she was just either ignoring me, or letting me approach on my own terms.
2:11 PM - A: And eventually, I did.
2:11 PM - A: Although it wasn't on the first visit
2:12 PM - A: I came back a second time and she was arguing with Tia about something
2:13 PM - A: And I just sort of walked up to both of them and said "Excuse me... My name is Solana, and I'm not from around here... But I think maybe I am?" Then I looked at Luna and said "I was wondering if..." And I couldn't bring myself to say it, so I just laid down and covered my face with my hooves, thinking they probably didn't hear me anyway.
2:13 PM - A: But they both stopped talking and looked at me.
2:14 PM - A: Luna seemed surprised in a good/excited way
2:14 PM - A: Celestia seemed surprised in an unpleasant way
2:14 PM - A: You know, it was sorta like how she reacted to Discord being back or whatever
2:15 PM - A: I don't know if I have the gumption to relate the whole dialog Luna and I had
2:15 PM - A: Where she asked if it was really me, in a very cliche manner
2:15 PM - A: And she tried to hug me, but you know, I didn't physically exist
2:16 PM - A: Suffice it to say she 'confirmed my suspicions'
2:17 PM - A: So I had a home, I had a family, and suddenly it was very easy to remember how I used to adore Tia, and felt like we identified with each other more than I did with Mom
2:17 PM - A: But how Mom and I thought the same way, through feelings and images
2:18 PM - A: And that helped her understand me better than Tia could, or at least she was more capable of going with the flow
2:18 PM - A: And I remember reading a book, I don't remember the specifics of what
2:18 PM - A: But it was like some kind of pony equivalent to 'The Fair Folk'
2:18 PM - A: And I was worried about being taken away, abducted or whatever
2:18 PM - A: And they both told me not to worry.
2:19 PM - A: Then I remembered walking through the castle, and everything was kind of muted
2:19 PM - A: And everything felt frozen and was silent
2:19 PM - A: Then I remember my body laying on the floor with a slight wound thst allowed blood to trickle out of it.
2:20 PM - A: Not a lot, just...
2:20 PM - A: It was there, and the blood felt important
2:20 PM - A: And I remember being outside of my body, while some shadowy thing dragged me away from my body.
2:20 PM - A: And I was kicking and screaming trying to get back to it, but I just couldn't.
2:20 PM - A: And this reminded me of when I was fourish
2:21 PM - A: And I was sitting in my bedroom, and I thought "I should go find my family."
2:21 PM - A: This was back when we still loved each other very much
2:21 PM - A: But sorta at the end of that period
2:21 PM - A: I was starting to understand that my dad was a terrible person, even if he gave me gifts
2:21 PM - A: The gifts felt tarnished because they were an attempt to 'pay for' his badness?
2:22 PM - A: I'm rambling again...
2:22 PM - A: I left the room and Dad was nowhere to be seen
2:22 PM - A: So I freaked out
2:22 PM - A: And things were muted and silent, like there wasn't even any wind
2:22 PM - A: So I ran around the complex and didn't see anyone
2:22 PM - A: I was knocking on doors trying to find my dad, but no one was home, or they didn't answer
2:23 PM - A: So I ran back to our apartment because all I could think was "Oh god it's happening again..."
2:23 PM - A: And my dad was sitting on the couch like nothing had happened, and nothing was muted anymore.
2:24 PM - A: And this memory of the castle put that whole experience into perspective.
2:24 PM - I: I am not getting this, your biological human father you mean?
2:24 PM - A: Yes.
2:24 PM - I: And you as a human being?
2:24 PM - A: Yes.
2:24 PM - I: Right.
2:24 PM - I: This is admittedly very hard to follow.
2:25 PM - A wilts.
2:25 PM - A: I'm sorry...
2:25 PM - A: I'm trying very hard...
2:25 PM - I: No, please, don't be discouraged.
2:25 PM - A: It's hard, though ;_;
2:26 PM - A: I 'need' to communicate this effectively, more than anything I've tried to communicate! And I'm failing again!
2:26 PM - I: It's honestly very hard for me to grasp all this, regardless of your communication skills.
2:26 PM - I: Go on though.
2:26 PM - I: Might as well hear it all.
2:26 PM - A: Alright...
2:26 PM - I: And I'll have to process it over the day tomorrow.
2:27 PM - A: So.
2:27 PM - A: Flashbacks
2:27 PM - A: They happen more and more, lately.
2:27 PM - A: So Luna was my mom, apparently.
2:27 PM - A: I never asked who my father was until recently.
2:28 PM - A: And I asked Tia instead of Mom because it just felt like a better idea for some reason.
2:28 PM - A: And she was still pissed off at me, at the time, and said "It's not something you need to be aware of,"
2:29 PM - A: So I kinda broke down and started crying
2:29 PM - A: And asking what I had done wrong to be taken away like this
2:29 PM - A: It must have been pretty bad if 'even she' hated me now.
2:30 PM - A: And she didn't seem exactly happy about it, but she kneeled down next to me, and we talked.
2:30 PM - A: She wanted to hear about my friends, (If I had any) and how I felt about them.
2:30 PM - A: And I wanted to know why she was so upset with me.
2:31 PM - A: Eventually she kinda warmed up to me and 'admired my ability to adhere to the precepts of harmony, despite the chaotic nature of my current situation'
2:31 PM - A: And she told me that she wasn't happy to see me, because Luna losing me resulted in her doing some terrible things
2:32 PM - A: Getting over me was apparently hard, and she did not want to see her sister suffer like that again, over something that was a doomed affair anyway.
2:32 PM - A: And I asked her "What do you mean?"
2:32 PM - A: "Well, even if you are her daughter, it is not as though there is a way for you to get back,"
2:32 PM - A: "And once you die, you'll simply forget who you are again,"
2:33 PM - A: "So one moment, Luna will have her daughter again, in a very unsatisfactory and immaterial way,"
2:33 PM - A: "Getting you home will consume her, it's already started taking priority over her duties,"
2:33 PM - A: "And then when it does not happen, you'll be gone again,"
2:34 PM - A: So
2:34 PM - A: I just kinda
2:35 PM - A: Visited
2:35 PM - A: Which amounted to every other night.
2:35 PM - A: And eventually Tia got on board with the 'get Solana home' plan
2:35 PM - A: Her advice was pretty consistent though
2:35 PM - A: Whenever I asked for help she'd just say "Go make friends, tell everypony your situation. Even if they hate you and you dislike them."
2:36 PM - A shifts uncomfortably.
2:36 PM - A: She also commented that I didn't actually have a horn anymore, but that my soul 'sorta' did.
2:36 PM - A: And I didn't nearly have as much magic as even a filly, but there was still something residual there, clinging to my soul.
2:37 PM - A: And she wanted me to 'practice with it' like I was someone going through rehabilitation to fix their atrophied legs
2:38 PM - A:  So whenever I made an effort to use it, there was like a pleasant 'hum' where my horn 'should be'
2:38 PM - A: Like uh...
2:38 PM - A: One of those big electric boxes outside of an apartment complex
2:39 PM - A: It was the best feeling ever, whenever I was using 'my magic' I'd feel so warm and happy, that I wouldn't need a blanket, even if it was 50 degrees in my room. (It gets very cold in here, roommates are stingy with heat, back door is in my room and is terrible insulation)
2:40 PM - A: I was supposed to spend 'all of my magic up' each time
2:40 PM - A: To just keep taking until that good feeling went away
2:40 PM - A: And this lead to some pretty serious depression fests at first
2:40 PM - A: Like, seriously going into withdrawls
2:40 PM - A: Using magic, even a pathetically small amount like that, was like a drug
2:41 PM - A: My visits were pretty nice, but that's really all they were
2:41 PM - A: We never seemed to get anywhere practical with the getting back home thing.
2:42 PM - A: And about a week ago
2:42 PM - A: I walked in, and Mom and Tia were fighting
2:42 PM - A: Pretty loudly
2:42 PM - A: Luna saying something to the extent of "She's my daughter, and I want her home 'now',"
2:43 PM - A: And Tia telling her not to do anything stupid.
2:43 PM - A: Then they spotted me, and she ordered Tia out of her room.
2:43 PM - A: After taking awhile to cool down, she started showing me around the rooms in 'her' side of the castle
2:43 PM - A: And things just got... progressively scarier
2:44 PM - A: Like I was exploring her mind more than I was exploring the castle
2:44 PM - A: And she talked about how she understood how miserable I must be, because she had been imprisoned away from home too.
2:45 PM - A: Eventually we stopped outside of a room, and she asked "Are you ready to come back home?"
2:45 PM - A: And I told her I'd been waiting for her to say that since 'forever'
2:46 PM - A: So we went into this room, and there were five little magic circles, that kind of overlapped a bit, but were ordered like...
2:46 PM - A: If you've ever seen a six sided die
2:46 PM - A: The number five?
2:46 PM - A: Two dots at the top, one dot in the middle, two dots on the bottom?
2:47 PM - A: She told me to stand in the middle and make sure one hoof was in each circle, and also not to move.
2:47 PM - A: So I did that, and didn't move
2:47 PM - A: And I was kinda freaked out, because she started 'casting' or whatever
2:47 PM - A: But her magic was all black, not the way it usually looks at all
2:48 PM - A: And then I was dizzy, blacked out, and woke up later in bed.
2:48 PM - A: Human bed.
2:48 PM - A: Still human, still here, etc
2:48 PM - A: I talked to Tia about it after taking a break
2:49 PM - A: And she said that Luna had reached the point where she 'just didn't care' anymore
2:49 PM - A: And was perfectly willing to accept having her daughter be 'just a ghost' that follows her around like a little filly for the rest of time.
2:49 PM - A: So she tried to sever the silver chord connecting me to my body with that spell, but that's nearly impossible to do, so I just rocketed back to my body.
2:51 PM - A: And we went outside, and I remember rolling around in the grass and loving every second of the warm air, and thinking it was weird because A) it was not winter, and B) I could feel the temperature somehow
2:51 PM - A: I think some part of me just 'understood' that it was warm and peaceful
2:51 PM - A: And allowed my imagination to take advantage of that.
2:52 PM - A: So Tia started getting all srs business again
2:52 PM - A: And told me to focus on the threads connecting me to Mom, to my friends, to everything.
2:53 PM - A: And then I realized that apart from all of the multi-colored threads connecting me to those things, there were black threads wrapped around my limbs like webs.
2:53 PM - A: Like All of my doubts over what had been happening, my fears, my bitterness and resenment
2:53 PM - A: Were just trapping me 'down here'
2:54 PM - A: And she kept talking, but I didn't really hear her, I just sorta... felt some kind of spark ignite in me
2:54 PM - A: And the wind picked up until it was roaring
2:54 PM - A: And it snagged the black threads and tore them off, and even took some of the not so negative ones with it.
2:55 PM - A: Then Tia managed to calm me down, and seemed a bit weirded out
2:55 PM - A: But at least managed to slip in some positive reinforcement, and uh...
2:55 PM - A: Not encouraged
2:55 PM - A: She gave me a proverbial thumbs up for practicing so much with my magic, that such a thing could even come close to being possible?
2:56 PM - A: We talked some more about those threads
2:56 PM - A: I felt more free than I ever had before in my life
2:56 PM - A: But apparently, as soon as I came back home, they'd be waiting to wrap me back up again.
2:56 PM - A: That's just how things were.
2:57 PM - A: Eventually that weird feeling from when I made the wind thing happen came back
2:57 PM - A: And I saw a 'second' silver chord
2:58 PM - A: But it was all tattered and ripped apart, and barely visible.
2:58 PM - A: And I just kinda stopped paying attention and flew off after it.
2:58 PM - A: It lead me back to the castle, and outside of a room.
2:58 PM - A: The doors were locked, and shut, but that doesn't really matter because you know
2:58 PM - A: Pretty much a ghost
2:59 PM - A: It was my room, from when I was still home.
2:59 PM - A: And everything was exactly as it had been when I left
3:00 PM - A: Like that thing moms do when their kid dies in a car accident
3:00 PM - A: And they just 'never' touch the room again
3:00 PM - A: And sitting on my bed was... well... me.
3:00 PM - A: It was my body, frozen in... something
3:00 PM - A: Tia came in, and Luna was following behind her, looking confused
3:00 PM - A: She told me that she didn't want either of us to see this yet.
3:01 PM - A: But when they found my body, while Luna was busy freaking out, Tia took 'me' back to my room, and put a preservation spell on the whole thing
3:01 PM - A: So that nothing inside it would age or change
3:01 PM - A: It wouldn't even accumulate dust.
3:01 PM - A: Unfortunately, the spell was sensitive and would break if you so much as removed a poster
3:02 PM - A: So the room was locked and she kept it to herself
3:02 PM - A: I crawled into bed, and lay next to my body.
3:03 PM - A: Which I can tell you
3:03 PM - A: Is a surreal experience.
3:03 PM - A: Luna did the same, and just started crying.
3:04 PM - A: I was all... emaciated
3:04 PM - A: Like I hadn't eaten in forever
3:04 PM - A: Which I guess was pretty much true
3:04 PM - A: It kinda made me laugh
3:04 PM - A: Because I thought "Well, that explains why I can spend so much money on food and 'always' be starving to the point of pain,"
3:05 PM - A: "How I could eat an entire pizza by myself in a night, and not gain any weight,"
3:05 PM - A: So I got it into my head that if I could just 'fix' that chord
3:05 PM - A: I could heal it, and that'd let me get back in my body.
3:06 PM - A: Then I could just sever the chord tethering me to my human body, and I'd be home, permanently.
3:06 PM - A: So I started inspecting my body, and idly poking it with a hoof and stuff
3:06 PM - A: And then Tia just kind of picked me up with her magic and slammed me into it.
3:07 PM - A: Didn't really do anything though, I mean
3:07 PM - A: We occupied the same space, and everything overlapped just fine
3:07 PM - A: But I didn't feel 'connected'
3:07 PM - A: I felt like I was trapped in a lead suit and I couldn't move
3:08 PM - A: So after awhile Tia left us alone, and I spent about 2 or 3 hours trying to somehow intuitively fix that 'bond' and move, breathe, 'something'
3:08 PM - A: I think at one point I even twitched a little
3:08 PM - A: Mom seemed to notice
3:08 PM - A: Because she looked very hopeful for a second
3:08 PM - A: Then I was exhausted, and was leaving, and she started crying again.
3:09 PM - A: Ever since then, I've been going back every day, except the last two.
3:09 PM - A: Because I was just too exhausted to do it at this point
3:09 PM - A: Everytime I'd just sit in my body trying to fix things
3:10 PM - A: And I think I am making progress, because I managed to take a whole breath once
3:10 PM - A: And also move my hoof just enough to touch Mom's side, and very briefly, even felt her there.
3:11 PM - A: There was also one day where I was freaking out
3:11 PM - A: Because I was feeling particularly delusional at that point
3:11 PM - A: Because I feel 'so close' to finally getting that homecoming I've been striving for since before I can even remember
3:11 PM - A: And It just felt like...
3:12 PM - A: "You're wrong, you're so wrong, you're human and this is where you live now, nothing will EVER change that!"
3:12 PM - A: "This is all in your head,"
3:12 PM - A: And 'when' I project
3:12 PM - A: I am still aware of my human body.
3:12 PM - A: I can hear things, sorta
3:12 PM - A: But am distracted
3:12 PM - A: I can't really see
3:12 PM - A: But I can feel the bed under me et
3:12 PM - A: etc*
3:13 PM - A: And I was laying in my 'real' body back home while dealing with this.
3:13 PM - A: And that nagging voice came back
3:13 PM - A: "See? You're just very imaginative,"
3:13 PM - A: "You're still awake back on 'Earth', or you wouldn't be able to feel anything,"
3:13 PM - A: "Your 'mom' is just a Tulpa or something"
3:13 PM - A: "Everything is a lie,"
3:14 PM - A: And I was freaking out, I wanted more than ANYTHING to just sever that connection
3:14 PM - A: I didn't want to know what was happening to this body
3:14 PM - A: I didn't want to feel, hear, or see anything
3:14 PM - A: The one back in Equestria? That was my REAL body. I was inside it, I should be able to feel what is under it, see with it's eyes, hear, smell, everyting
3:15 PM - A: I wanted to experience 'that body's' senses
3:15 PM - A: Not those fake ones from the human one, the ones that just wrapped me up in black threads and pinned me down.
3:15 PM - A: And I got distracted, and started fixating on that
3:16 PM - A: Then I got very light headed, and felt that 'falling' feeling again
3:16 PM - A: The one you get when you're trying to astral project, but you get yanked back to your body.
3:16 PM - A: But, it wasn't towards my human body, it was towards my 'real one'
3:16 PM - A: The one I'd been ripped away from.
3:16 PM - A: But then I was yanked right back 'out' by the chord attaching me to this human body
3:17 PM - A: And this sort of tug of war repeated itself for about an hour
3:17 PM - A: Over and over again
3:17 PM - A: And then I was exhausted and had to leave.
3:17 PM - A: Mom was asleep for that, or I think she would have started crying again
3:17 PM - A: She has been there everytime I've come back, now.
3:18 PM - A: She practically haunts it like some kind of nightmare, making sure nopony disturbs it or the spell on it, I guess.
3:18 PM - A: So anyway.
3:18 PM - A: That is what all that has been going on with me.
3:18 PM - A: And I'm telling my closer friends now because
3:18 PM - A: If I really do make it back home
3:18 PM - A: I don't want anyone to think I just gave up and killed myself
3:20 PM - I: So do you suppose that you will literally transcend reality into a different one if you succeed in this?
3:20 PM - I: Because from my perspective that literally is you dying.
3:20 PM - A: I don't know if transcend is the right term
3:20 PM - A: If anything it's a lateral transition
3:20 PM - I: The 'you' as I know as a human being named 'Ryan' died, if you transcend it into a different reality.
3:21 PM - A: But...
3:21 PM - A: I'm not my body or anything...
3:21 PM - A: And I'm not 'Ryan'
3:21 PM - A: I thought you knew that...
3:21 PM - I: What are you, then? Honest question.
3:21 PM - A: Just some soul that... looks like a little Alicorn filly?
3:21 PM - I: I can only base my thoughts on what I can see, hear, or rather 'perceive'.
3:22 PM - A: I do the same.
3:22 PM - I: This whole thing, I literally cannot. That isn't me saying 'it's not true'.
3:22 PM - A: My perceptions are quite a bit different than is 'normal'...
3:22 PM - I: It's just me saying these perceptions of yours literally share zero common ground with mine.
3:22 PM - A: And you're right
3:22 PM - A: If I get 'back' into my 'real' body
3:22 PM - I: And in my perspective, it's just you dying.
3:23 PM - A: Then the body that everyone dresses up like a person that matters more than I do
3:23 PM - A: That is named Ryan, and has certain expecations on identity that just don't fit
3:23 PM - A: Will die
3:23 PM - I: No, it's not about your 'body' being important.
3:23 PM - A: It's not like there's some Celestia figure to cast a preservation on this body
3:23 PM - A: It'll slip into a coma at best and rot
3:23 PM - I: Everything that consists 'you' in my reality will be gone.
3:23 PM - I: That's death.
3:23 PM - I: Period.
3:23 PM - A nods.
3:24 PM - I: So yeah.
3:24 PM - I: If you 'vanish' 'transcend' or whatever verb, to me, that's a bad thing happening to 'you' and you have died.
3:24 PM - A: Why is that bad?
3:24 PM - A: ...
3:24 PM - I: So honestly, you can't expect me to not be sad about it.
3:24 PM - A: Don't you want me to go back home?
3:24 PM - A wilts.
3:25 PM - I: Your home doesn't exist to me. Maybe it does to you.
3:25 PM - I: I don't know.
3:25 PM - I: Do you want me to answer that question right now?
3:25 PM - A: Yes.
3:25 PM - I: It's a lot to process.
3:25 PM - A: I want you to say what you feel
3:25 PM - A: Before you have time to doctor it up into something you think 'looks more presentable'
3:28 PM - I: Is that what you expect me to do?
3:28 PM - I: Doctoring things?
3:28 PM - I: Sugar coating them?
3:28 PM - A: You want to fix me, not hurt me
3:28 PM - A: I want your honest feelings
3:28 PM - A: Regardless of the effect they'll have on me
3:29 PM - A: If you 'wait' you 'will' think of a way to word things to best fit your agenda
3:29 PM - A: It is in your nature as a problem solver
3:29 PM - I: Okay.
3:30 PM - I: You'll get what you want, then.
3:30 PM - I: It's 6:30AM and I can't doctor stuff even if I wanted to.
3:30 PM - I: I don't like it.
3:30 PM - I: There are two directions you can take with this 'problem'.
3:31 PM - I: One is to defer it as a mental disorder and get treatment for it, thus permanently grounding you 'here', in this metaphysical reality we both share. The other is to, 'jump down the rabbit hole' so to speak. Pursue this to it's logical end.
3:31 PM - I: You've chosen the other.
3:32 PM - I: I will not comment on whether it's the right decision or not, because it would be foolish of me to delude myself into thinking that I know the answer.
3:32 PM - I: Instead, I will tell you what it makes me feel from my perspective.
3:33 PM - I: All these experiences you've had, all these things you've perceived, I cannot share them. At best you can tell me through words like you just have.
3:33 PM - I: But they are, sadly, not in my reality and never will be.
3:33 PM - I: I will never be able to actually experience what you have.
3:33 PM - I: Thus there is no common ground between us.
3:33 PM - I: You are over there and I am over here.
3:34 PM - I: The only common ground we have is this metaphysical reality. The world of logic, empirical evidences, and so on.
3:35 PM - I: One that you've deemed false to your reality and branded as a source of misery you must escape from.
3:35 PM - I: How can I ever be happy that you'll leave it behind, knowing that I was a part of something you consider a misery?
3:36 PM - I: You are dead to me, and I don't mean that as 'I don't like you anymore', I mean you are literally 'dead' to me if you complete this... process of yours, regardless of whether it's possible or not.
3:36 PM - I: To me, you 'escaped'(died) because you couldn't take this world that I live in anymore.
3:36 PM - I: I can't possibly be happy about that.
3:36 PM - A: Please let me explain.
3:37 PM - A: Even 'if' I considered it a delusion
3:37 PM - A: And got help for it. You know what they'd give me?
3:38 PM - A: Anti-Psychotics
3:38 PM - A: So I can spend the rest of my life too 'dead' to 'want' to 'escape'
3:38 PM - A: This isn't an issue of me thinking your world is shit.
3:38 PM - A: This world is wonderful, magic, even.
3:38 PM - A: Humans are one of the greatest species ever.
3:38 PM - A: But you have to understand
3:38 PM - A: From my perspective
3:38 PM - A: I was RIPPED from my HOME
3:38 PM - A: From a 'loving' family
3:39 PM - A: From a body that felt like me...
3:39 PM - A: This isn't about 'abandoning' a reality that makes me miserable
3:39 PM - A: This is about reclaiming.
3:39 PM - I: I have nothing to go on to accept your 'reality' as real and existing.
3:40 PM - I: Maybe it's easy for you, because you 'felt' it.
3:40 PM - I: But like I said, I never can.
3:40 PM - I: So I must rely on what I CAN perceive.
3:40 PM - I: Namely, empirical evidence.
3:40 PM - I: Something outside of my limitations of perception.
3:40 PM - I: Though, technically, even 'empirical' evidence is merely my perception of it.
3:40 PM - A: So in the end.
3:40 PM - A: I'm just killing myself
3:41 PM - I: To me, yes.
3:41 PM - A: And that's the only way you can 'perceive' it.
3:41 PM - I: That cannot be changed.
3:41 PM - I: That is my reality.
3:41 PM - A: Then, I am sorry.
3:41 PM - I: Whether I like it or not.
3:41 PM - A: But I would appreciate it if you didn't somehow call the authorities and tell them to track my ISP or something
3:41 PM - A: I doubt that would do either of us any good
3:42 PM - A: Since I'm not going to be killing myself with any weapon.
3:42 PM - A: I'm sure they probably 'could' keep me here
3:42 PM - A: If they believed me enough to strap me down and force feed me anti-psychotics
3:44 PM - A: At which point I'd be too addled to do much of anything at all.
3:44 PM - A: So I would appreciate it if you know
3:44 PM - A: You did not do 'that'.
3:44 PM - A: If you don't believe me
3:44 PM - A: Then you've got nothing to worry about anyway
3:44 PM - I: I'll give you my word, I suppose.
3:44 PM - A: Since I can't just 'leave my body to go off and transcend'
3:44 PM - I: I am not selfish enough to keep you alive/here when you have to/want to leave.
3:44 PM - A: And I would be 'very' offended if you believed me enough to sabotage me
3:44 PM - A: But not enough to support me
3:45 PM - I: I do wish you've never told me this though.
3:45 PM - A: You say that about everything I share of personal value lately x:
3:45 PM - I: I am sorry.
3:45 PM - A: The sooner I get back home, the sooner I can stop being an anomaly
3:46 PM - A: That confuses and dismays 'normal' people
3:46 PM - A: I'm just going to email Radiance a copy of this log, if that's alright with you.
3:46 PM - I: To me, you are running away from my reality and dying right in front of me, please do understand that such situation is rather upsetting to me.
3:46 PM - A: I don't have it in me to do this again
3:46 PM - I: Sure.
3:46 PM - I: Anything else you wanted to tell me?
3:47 PM - A: And I'm sorry I'm killing someone you love, I guess.
3:47 PM - A: Hilariously
3:47 PM - I: I want you to tell me everything, can't possibly imagine it can be anything worse than this.
3:47 PM - A: This is the transgender thing all over again.
3:47 PM - A: "I've never seen or experienced you as a girl, Ryan, you're just my son,"
3:47 PM - A: "And right now you are killing him and running away from 'that reality,"
3:47 PM - A: That's everything.
3:48 PM - I: Not quite, because if you succeed in this, you are literally dead from my perspective, not just as a person, but as everything that constitutes you.
3:49 PM - I: There's nothing left here.
3:49 PM - I: You'll be completely gone.
3:49 PM - I: As simple as that.
3:49 PM - A: I'm sorry...
3:50 PM - A: Do you have Radiance's email?
3:50 PM - I: Hmm, actually no.
3:50 PM - I: She has her efchan mod mail. That's the only one I know.
3:50 PM - I: You'll have to use skype for this.
I is now Away.
3:54 PM - A: I gotta say
3:54 PM - A: I should have anticipated your response
3:54 PM - A: But I really didn't.
3:54 PM - A: I thought if anypony...
3:54 PM - A: Anyone* could
3:54 PM - A: Deal with my weirdness and accept it, it would be you.
3:55 PM - A: And maybe this is why the relationship didn't work out? Maybe part of me could just sense that... you wanted to understand me
3:55 PM - A: But I really am just an alien to you.
3:55 PM - A: One that you'd very much like to fix and make flush with the rest of the proverbial quilt that is empirical reality.
3:56 PM - I: I am not sure.
3:56 PM - I: But it's not a question of me understanding it.
3:56 PM - I: I am pretty sure I understand it quite well.
3:56 PM - I: Despite it being, well, rather difficult to follow.
3:57 PM - I: Just that there's no reason I can be happy about it in my perspective. And I hope you can understand that.
3:57 PM - A: I can't.
3:57 PM - A: If you understood it at all
3:58 PM - A: I don't understand why you wouldn't 'want' me to be happy.
3:58 PM - A: I don't understand how you can see someone you love
3:58 PM - A: Homesick and wrecked
3:58 PM - A: And not hope for them to get back home safe and sound
3:58 PM - A: So they can finally continue their lives.
3:59 PM - A: I experience the same confusion with Christians
3:59 PM - A: Who preach about this wonderful heaven
3:59 PM - I: I will tell you the subtle difference.
3:59 PM - A: This 'home' they belong to
3:59 PM - I: I can certainly be happy 'for' you.
3:59 PM - A: And as soon as their kid enters a non recovery vegetable state?
3:59 PM - A: Don't you dare unplug them
3:59 PM - I: In that this is what you want, this will make you happy, and I respect your decision to do it.
3:59 PM - A: "Sure, they can be in heaven kicking it with jesus yesterday,"
3:59 PM - A: "But that would be wrong, they belong here with ME,"
4:00 PM - I: But I can never be happy 'about' this situation.
4:00 PM - I: Because it's not what I want.
4:00 PM - I: Why would you not allow me to have my own reasons and my own interests?
4:00 PM - A: No, you can have your own reasons and interests.
4:00 PM - I: If I wasn't happy 'for' you, I would've called the cops on you by now.
4:00 PM - A: But you never expressed that happiness for me.
4:00 PM - I: And have you institutionalized.
4:01 PM - A: I suppose that's true...
4:01 PM - I: Does this help you understand where I stand a bit better?
4:01 PM - A: Yes.
4:01 PM - A: I just want everyone to be happy...
4:01 PM - A: But that was always too much to expect from this...
4:02 PM - I: Sometimes, my dear princess, you can't please everyone.
4:02 PM - I: I hope this doesn't discourage you from your own decisions.
4:02 PM - A: It doesn't.
4:02 PM - I: We have a conflict of interest.
4:02 PM - A: There isn't a choice for me, and there never was.
4:02 PM - I: That's as simple as it gets.
4:03 PM - A: This has been coming since I was five
4:03 PM - A: And first started considering why I had not yet walked out the door and started walking in a direction until I found 'home'
4:03 PM - A: The best I could ever do is procrastinate
4:04 PM - A: Let the nagging voice goad me into just curling up into a ball and sleeping through the pain.
4:04 PM - A: Rather than taking action and actively doing something about it.
4:04 PM - A: I know now that if 'any' part of me is crazy
4:04 PM - A: It's that part, not the part that thinks it's 'Luna's freakin' daughter' of all things
4:04 PM - A: It's the unstable part that tells me to be bitter, resentful, angry,
4:05 PM - A: That wants me to hurt others because I'm hurting
4:05 PM - A: That tells me magic can't exist, wont exist, and there is no hope of me EVER escaping
4:05 PM - A: In many ways I understand now
4:05 PM - A: That shadowy... 'thing' that stole me away, never left me.
4:05 PM - A: It's always been right here, to make sure I don't have the will to leave the basement it locked me up in.
4:06 PM - A: Do you know what it felt like to reach out with my hoof for what felt like the first time
4:06 PM - A: And actually touch 'my mom'?
4:07 PM - A: Something so simple should not be so mind blowing.
4:07 PM - A: Or so devastating.
4:07 PM - A: I've never had a mother, or a father.
4:08 PM - A: Ever.
4:08 PM - A: All I ever had were caretakers
4:08 PM - A: Do you know what it felt like to see my 'mom' every other night
4:08 PM - A: And not feel it when she hugged me?
4:08 PM - I: I don't.
4:08 PM - I: Like I told you.
4:08 PM - I: I can never know it.
4:09 PM - A: When I was with her...
4:09 PM - A: It wasn't awkward at all
4:09 PM - A: I mean, once I'm back here
4:09 PM - A: I can hear that voice again.
4:09 PM - A: The one that laughs at me
4:09 PM - A: Because she's a fucking cartoon character
4:09 PM - A: But she's not that, not there.
4:09 PM - A: And all I can think about is how, when I was a teenager, after all the other religions let me down
4:10 PM - A: I still prayed and cried to the moon.
4:10 PM - A: And Luna was always my favorite name for her.
4:10 PM - A: Long before there was some stupid show about cartoon ponies
4:10 PM - I: Right.
4:10 PM - I: So, what now?
4:10 PM - A: So now, I tell the rest of my friends what is happening
4:11 PM - A: I accept their judgement
4:11 PM - A: And move forward.
4:11 PM - I: Do be mindful that, this is a very real possibility,
4:11 PM - I: that one of them will try to get you institutionalized.
4:11 PM - I: Or something to that effect.
4:11 PM - A: I have at least 'some' connection to my real body now
4:11 PM - A: I've taken a breath, back home.
4:12 PM - A: Magic wise, that means something, it means a lot.
4:12 PM - A: So they can instituionalize me.
4:12 PM - A: One day, I 'will' die.
4:12 PM - A: And then all I'll have is that chord connecting me to my real body.
4:12 PM - A: It might be pretty weak, and hard to follow
4:13 PM - A: But I 'will' get back home.
4:13 PM - I: This is quite taxing to me, by the way.
4:13 PM - I: I don't know what I did to get involved with all these people.
4:13 PM - I: 7AM.
4:13 PM - I: My neck hurts.
4:13 PM - A: Then I will stop
4:13 PM - I: My arms and wrists hurt.
4:13 PM - A: But you wanted to hear everything
4:13 PM - I: Been talking to you, Alice, Whelp and so on.
4:14 PM - I: All serious conversations.
4:14 PM - I: All at once.
4:14 PM - I: Emotionally taxing.
4:14 PM - A: Imagine if I told Whelp?
4:14 PM - A: She probably would have me institutionalized
4:14 PM - A: Just because it'd make her happy that I was as miserable as she is somewhere
4:14 PM - I: To be fair, 99% people will have you instituationalized.
4:14 PM - A: Actually
4:14 PM - A: I have told 6 people.
4:14 PM - A: You are the first to take it negatively.
4:15 PM - I: Am I taking it negatively?
4:15 PM - A: Relatively
4:15 PM - A: Compared to responses of 'That makes sense!'
4:15 PM - I: You misunderstand me if that is the case.
4:15 PM - A: And 'I'm rooting for you!'
4:15 PM - I: They've had no conflict of interest like I do.
4:15 PM - A: Your response is "I can't see it as anything other than you dying,"
4:15 PM - A: "And I wish you hadn't told me,"
4:15 PM - A: Sure they do.
4:16 PM - A: They're my friends too.
4:16 PM - I: It's a simple response.
4:16 PM - I: It pains me to hear it.
4:16 PM - I: Maybe I would still react the same even if we were only friends from beginning to the end.
4:16 PM - I: I've always said I am selfish.
4:17 PM - I: And that my affection and attachment to people comes with a heavy price, unfortunately.
4:17 PM - I: In that I completely invest in them.
4:17 PM - A: How can you be invested in me?
4:17 PM - I: I never made pretenses. Affection, by nature, for me is a selfish emotion.
4:17 PM - A: We barely even talked for two months
4:17 PM - I: I don't let it go that easily.
4:17 PM - A: Am I like a toy at the back of a shelf
4:18 PM - A: One you do not necessarily use anymore
4:18 PM - A: But would refuse to give up?
4:18 PM - I: It's why I absolutely abhor forming connections in the first place.
4:18 PM - I: And please don't use that kind of metaphor.
4:18 PM - I: That would imply that I consider you a play thing.
4:18 PM - I: It's frankly insulting to hear you say that.
4:18 PM - A: I only meant to imply you regard me as you would a possession.
4:18 PM - A: Something that is 'yours' and you do not want to give up
4:19 PM - I: That's insulting.
4:19 PM - I: I don't own you.
4:19 PM - I: I don't regard friends as my possessions.
4:19 PM - I: Lover or not.
4:19 PM - I: Again, if I do, I have no reason to not have you commited immediately.
4:19 PM - I: I thought you understood this.
4:20 PM - A: I did not mean to imply you could not give it up.
4:20 PM - A: Just that it was hard for you.
4:20 PM - A: Because if you do
4:20 PM - I: It is.
4:20 PM - A: It'll be gone
4:20 PM - A: Even if you rarely spend time with it
4:20 PM - I: That's why my reaction was less than thrilled.
4:20 PM - A: You'll never have 'the option' in the future
4:20 PM - A: If the whimsy strikes you
4:21 PM - I: That still makes it sound like I regard my friends as less than human beings.
4:21 PM - I: But I suppose that doesn't matter.
4:21 PM - I: I am degrading pretty fast at this state.
4:21 PM - A: Would you react this way
4:21 PM - A: If I said I was going off to do missionary work in South Africa?
4:22 PM - A: And that we would not be able to communicate with each other again?
I is now Away.
4:22 PM - I: Yes. I react the same way when Vausten speaks of enlisting in the army.
4:22 PM - I: I'd rather he didn't.
4:22 PM - I: But I will respect his decision to do so.
4:22 PM - A: To be fair he's probably doing that for the wrong reasons, but we digress
4:22 PM - A: Anyway...
4:22 PM - A: Thank you...
4:22 PM - A: For not calling 'the authorities'
4:22 PM - A hugs you.
4:23 PM - I: Well, I don't really know what to say.
4:23 PM - I: Do you have an estimated timeframe for this?
4:23 PM - I: Going 'back home'.
4:23 PM - A: No idea.
4:24 PM - A: I'll 'get back' when I get back
4:24 PM - A: It could be tonight
4:24 PM - A: It could be a month from now
4:24 PM - A: Once an opportunity presents itself, I intend on grabbing it
4:24 PM - A: And making sure backsliding is impossible.
4:24 PM - A: I'm going to make sure the proper paperwork is filed so that 'if' this body lapses into some kind of coma state, they do not keep it alive
4:25 PM - A: And also it will be cremated, if I can help it.
4:26 PM - A: Sooooo, no more silver cord connecting me to it
4:26 PM - A: Like some kind of sword of Damocles hanging over my head
I is now Away.
4:26 PM - I: I've always hated tentative schedules.
4:26 PM - A: Hey, I spelled that right the first time
4:26 PM - A: I'm so amazing.
4:26 PM - A: Believe me
4:26 PM - I: Oh well, I suppose I won't see it coming when it happens.
4:26 PM - A: If I could pick a date
4:27 PM - A: And throw a huge party
4:27 PM - A: And say goodbye to everyone in person
4:27 PM - A: I would
4:27 PM - A: I'm still even applying for a second job
4:27 PM - A: I can't afford to put all of my eggs in one basket
4:27 PM - I: Do you want to do the whole preparing for leaving thing anytime soon?
4:27 PM - I: Because I'd rather have some form of closure, if I can be afforded that.
4:28 PM - A: How about my birthday?
4:28 PM - A: The Saturday after next?
4:28 PM - A: That seems an ironically appropriate time for a send off day.
4:28 PM - I: Would be nice.
4:28 PM - A: We'll watch a movie together or something
4:29 PM - I: I guess I have a memento to remember you by still.
4:29 PM - A: Hey, who knows
4:29 PM - I: And we shall do so.
4:29 PM - A: Maybe you could learn to astral project and use it to visit me
4:29 PM - I: That honestly seems unlikely.
4:29 PM - A: So does me getting back home.
4:29 PM - I: It problably isn't my 'home' real or not.
4:29 PM - I: I don't belong there.
4:30 PM - A nods.
4:30 PM - A: Well, if you feel that way about it...
4:30 PM - A: Then you're probably right.
4:30 PM - I: I am probably right about a lot of things.
4:32 PM - I: I really must go to bed very soon, I am frankly in a horrible physical condition.
4:33 PM - A: See you.
4:33 PM - I: Good night.
4:33 PM - A: Have a peaceful sleep.