Sweat falls down my face, mixing with rain. The pavement is burning, and my entire side hurts. I feel like I've been hit by a freight truck.
 
My heart beats like a machine gun.
 
I roll on my back, trying to catch my breath. The rain gets in my throat and my eyes. As my drowning lungs gasp for air, the taste of copper and chalk on my lips makes me want to throw up.
 
I attempt to focus on my breathing. I close my mouth, open it again, like a dying fish out of the water.
 
This isn't going to work.
 
I'm gonna die here, lying in the gutter. Eyes wide open.
 
I was always one for melodrama.
 
 
Akira pushes me to the side. I vomit, staining my shirt with bile. As I cough up some more, she helps me sit up against the curb.
 
"Can you stand up?"
 
"I think so," I answer between two drawn breaths. I try to back my claim, with little success. The world around me spins like a funfair carousel. I feel sick to my stomach, and even with Akira supporting me, I can barely stand on my feet.
 
The pain in my chest subsides. I put a foot forward, then the other. My arm slung around her shoulders, Akira slowly drags me to the car. Her body feels comfortably warm, contrasting with the coldness of the rain.
 
At this moment, I realize that she took off her jacket. And that I am soaking wet, and covered in my own puke.
 
"I... I'm sorry," I mutter. She smiles without much conviction, barely attempting to hide the worry in her face:
 
"It's alright."
 
I collapse into the passenger seat, Akira joining me shortly. Outside, arcs of lightning rip through the sky, imprinting the urban landscape with flashes of white. We both sit in silence, my debilitated breathing occasionally ripping through the quiet of the car.
 
 
"You're not taking me to a hospital."
 
"Who said I was?"
 
"I... just figured."
 
"Hisao, I don't know what's going on. You say you want to meet me, but you can't tell me anything. You beat up some guy to death, then the moment I mention Lilly's name, you run out of the car and off into the rain 'til you pass out on the sidewalk. What am I supposed to do? I'm just as scared shitless as you are."
 
"I don't know."
 
"Do you want to talk about it?"
 
"No."
 
"So this is it? Should I just drive you home, and pretend you didn't nearly kill yourself just now?"
 
"I guess so."
 
My own tone surprises me. Through the slow process of recovering from my failed heart attack, I completely disconnected myself from the outside world; I haven't felt, or been so distant from Akira in a long time.
 
She, however, seems to disagree with my feelings.
 
"Get out."
 
What?
 
"You're not gonna let me help you. That's all right. But don't expect me to go around doing your bidding when I don't even know if I'm pulling you out of this shit or pushing you further in. So for tonight, you find your own ride home."
 
"You're just chock-full of surprises, aren't you? Five minutes ago you were helping me up, and now you're ready to tell me to fuck off."
 
Emotion rises up in my voice. Although I'd hate to admit it, I'm on the verge of another breakdown. Akira had never rejected me like this before. The painful throbbing in my head doesn't help me gather my thoughts.
 
"I..."
 
I can't find the proper words to explain this. The stench of sweat and vomit in the car is overbearing, and I'm almost tempted to go back in the rain, despite my weakened state.
 
"I just need to get my mind off this."
 
That's a start.
 
"When I called you, I wanted to talk to someone. Anyone. This has nothing to do with Lilly. This has nothing to do with you."
 
Only half a lie. I was indeed the source of the problem; the gaping hole Lilly blindly chose to turn her back to.
 
"That doesn't tell me what's going on now."
 
I hit another wall. Akira's out for answers. I laugh feebly.
 
"What's going on is you're gonna drive me home, I'll take a shower, get some rest, and then, and only then, I'll figure this out. I promise I'll tell you what happened."
 
With a sigh, Akira turns the key in the ignition. She remains silent, and during the entire trip back, I can't take my mind off the scornful look she gives me before slowly backing up the car.
 
 *
* *
 
I let the warm water run down my body, washing away the grime of the night and soothing my aching muscles. It takes me near an hour to emerge from my catatonic state, the gradually cooling stream chasing me out of the shower. After hastily putting on a bathrobe, I hurry back to the bedroom, shivering.
 
The air is cold and smells of lavender. Moonlight filters through the curtains, bathing the room in a soft hue of blue. I sit on the bed, Lilly sleeping next to me.
 
I think back to the night's events, my brain frantically trying to catch up with my legs and eyes. The truth as it currently is still remains in limbo. While not particularly comfortable, this state remains acceptable, given the circumstances. Reasonable.
 
Lilly trembles in her sleep. I move close to her, drawing the covers over us.
 
As I rest my head on her shoulder, taking in the scent of her hair, I find myself wondering how many mistakes I have made in the past months.
 
From the sudden change in her regular breathing, I can tell she's awake. I choose to ignore it, and it takes me a long time to find sleep.