*knock knock*
 
"Taakun? Are you home? I'm coming in, okay?"
 
Empty. The room was completely empty. No books, no table, no computer, nothing. It looked like any other vacant room in the boy's dormitory. Why was it empty? Where did he go? Why didn't he say anything? Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why? Whywhywhywhywhy?
 
Tears swelling up in her eyes, Hanako collapsed on to the floor and buried her face in her hands.
 
"Why did he leave? My best friend, and the only person to truly understand how I felt... Why was he gone? Why did he lie to me? What did I do? I don't understand..."
 
After crying for what seemed like hours, Hanako finally managed to calm down a bit. Hands trembling, she slowly wiped the tears from her eyes. Sitting here wasn't going to make him come back, nor would it give her the answers she sought. She needed to ask someone, to find out what happened. But who? Lilly? Hisao? Mutou? The therapist?
 
". . .
He wouldn't have told Lilly or Hisao because they would have told me... Mutou probably knows, but he won't give me a straight answer. Our therapist probably knows as well, but would he tell me the reason?"
 
Composing herself, Hanako stood up and brushed off her skirt with her hands. The best place to get answers would be from the therapist. They both saw him several times a week, surely he would tell her the truth even if Takashi told him not to.
 
Turning to leave, something sticking out from between the mattress of the sheet-less bed caught her eye. It was a notebook. Why hadn't she noticed it before? Was she just too upset? Why is it here? Dismissing the questions piling up in her head, she cautiously opened the book.
 
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Friday the 10th -
That therapist suggested I start a journal. He said it might be a good way to let things out, since I won't talk to him about it. This is a stupid idea, but I promised I would try it out for a month.
 
Saturday the 11th -
It's raining today.
 
Sunday the 12th -
It's still raining.
 
Monday the 13th -
Maeda brought in a painting he made to class. Mikado tripped and spilled water all over it. Though she did apologize, she laughed in that horribly annoying voice and said that it looked like a rainbow now and if he didn't want it to get ruined, he should have kept it in the art room.
 
Tuesday the 14th -
Had that dream again. Didn't feel like going to school.
 
Wednesday the 15th -
Ikezawa showed up for class today. Mutou asked people to read aloud, and Mikado made a fuss when Ikezawa was passed up without getting asked to read. Ikezawa ran off crying, and Mutou went after her. Mikado kept talking loudly to Hakamichi about Ikezawa.
 
For some reason, I got upset. She kept on about how she's not even disabled and there was nothing to stop her from reading aloud to the class. And since she never shows up for class, the least she could do was participate when she did come. I don't know why I got so upset, it was none of my business. But I did, and I yelled at them.
 
I told them to shut up. They didn't know what it was like. I asked them why they think it's fair that I get passed up, and why Hakamichi doesn't have to read. They looked at me like I was stupid. "Hakamichi's deaf, she can't speak, of course she doesn't have to read! And you always refuse to read anyways, so there's no point in asking you." So what? Hakamichi can sign, can't she? Mikado can translate for her. They had no right to complain when they were just as guilty.
 
I left class early.
 
Thursday the 16th -
I didn't go to class today. If I went back, everyone would stare at me. Mikado and Hakamichi would make a scene. Why did I have to snap like that? Why the hell did I stand up for that girl? I don't even know her. We haven't even spoken before. So why? Why do I feel like I can understand some of what she's going through? Is it because we're both scarred? Or maybe the fact that we're two people who wish we we didn't exist? I don't know what it is, but what I do know is that she's probably the only person who could understand what it's like to exist like this.
 
Tuesday the 21st -
I went back to class today, on the condition that I no longer have to sit next to Mikado or Hakamichi. I now sit next to Ikezawa, though I doubt she'll even notice since she never shows up. Hayashi has taken my former seat, and Mikado and Hakamichi have swapped places with the people in front of them. I ignored most of the lesson as usual.
 
Friday the 24th -
Ikezawa finally showed up for class today, albeit late. Very late. Last half hour of class, late. Mikado stood up and apologized to her, said it was her fault because she didn't understand her feelings and how delicate she was. Ikezawa tensed up, nodded, and then left class. She wasn't even there for five minutes before she was gone again.
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Hanako leaned back against her bedroom wall and sighed. That journal belonged to her best friend. Why did he leave it behind? Was it a mistake, or was it intentional? Did she have the right to read it? Was she even meant to find it? She had so many questions, and not a single answer. Sure, she could skip to the end and see what the last entry was, but she promised herself she wouldn't skip ahead.
 
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Wednesday the 18th -
It's been nearly a year since I started writing in this journal. At first I thought it a waste of my time, but now I'm glad I gave it a chance. Having a place to vent my feelings without worry of what others would think feels nice, yet it feels...lacking somehow. This journal is just a thing, an object. It lacks feeling, emotion. I want something more. No, I NEED something more.
 
Monday the 23rd -
A letter. I gave her a letter. I don't even know if she'll read it. What happens if she does? How will she respond? Will she even respond? What should I do? Maybe if I write this out, I'll be able to clear my head.
 
Last week, I met up with that therapist. As always, he asked me how I was and if everything was okay, etc. Just the usual small talk. Then he asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about, and for once I said yes.  He seemed surprised, and so was I.  
 
I asked him how I could make a friend.
 
He went on for our entire session talking about the various ways to approach someone and how to maintain friendships, all that stuff. However, I knew none of this would work for me because the one person I wanted to be friends with was the one person who shut everyone out. Ikezawa Hanako.
 
Hanako. The girl I stood up for a year ago for no apparent reason. At the time, I didn't understand why. But now I think I have a pretty good idea. She and I are a lot alike. We're both scarred emotionally and physically, we share a lot of the same fears and phobias, and we're both broken. She's the only person who can understand me, what it's like, what I've been through. And she's the only person I can understand.
 
I've been watching her, ever since I changed seats. We've never spoken, but I know a lot about her. She likes to read, cook, play games, and she likes to sing. She has such a lovely voice... A few weeks ago I was sitting on the roof of the staff building, watching the sunset, when I heard the door to the roof open. I hid myself and waited for them to leave, but the didn't. And then I heard singing. Such beautiful, emotional singing. I peeked out from behind my hiding spot and saw her standing there, all by herself.
 
I don't know why, but when I saw her there singing...It felt like the world wasn't so gray, like maybe things weren't so bad after all. It was that moment when I decided that I'd hear that voice again. Not as a person hiding on the roof, but as someone she'd sing for willingly.
 
I spent weeks trying to figure out how to approach her without her running off, and finally settled on a letter. It's the only thing I could think of that wouldn't be confrontational. "I'm Takahara Takashi, I sit next to you in class. Would you like to be my friend?" That's what it said. I stuck it in the book she was reading when she left her seat. Now all I can do is wait for a response. Or lack thereof.
 
Friday the 27th -
It's been four days. Still no response.
 
Monday the 6th -
Wow. Where to begin?
 
I was at the library during lunch, since it's a good place to get some peace and quiet. Plus, Hanako goes there a lot, not that we ever say anything to each other. Anyways, I was minding my own business when THAT girl came in. Tainaka Ritsu. She seemed to be by herself for once, and not in a very good mood. She wandered around a bit, taking books off the shelves only to leave them elsewhere before spying Hanako reading by herself. I didn't like the look of this at all.
 
"Well if it isn't the little burned bitch! What are you doing alone all by yourself? Oh right, you don't have any friends, do you? Not like me though, I've got plenty of friends! What are you reading? The wheel of time? HAH! how lame~! And what's with this bento? Did you make it yourself? It looks disgusting! Yeah! That's right! It's as ugly as the girl who made it!"
 
This was bad. Hanako was locking up. I had to do something. Anything. I wasn't going to let her hurt Hanako.
 
"Leave her alone."
 
"Huh? Oh, it's you. Looks like we've got a pair of losers today, huh? So lame! What do you want? Are you here to stand up for Bacontits again? Well too bad for you! No one else is here! I can say and do whatever I want! Go ahead, tell a teacher on me. Who are they going to believe, you two nobodies, or one of the most popular girls in school? I've got plenty of friends to cover my back, even if you do go to the teachers."
 
Tainaka turned away from me and back towards Hanako. "Trash. Both of you!" she said, kicking Hanako's lunch and spilling it all over the floor. "You think you're so special because you're burned? Well how about I cool you off?" She picked up Hanako's drink, and dumped it on her head. "There! All better now, right?"
 
I reached in to my bag, grabbed my lunch, and dumped it all over Tainaka.
 
Her ecstatic smile turned to confusion, then shock, and then anger as she realized what I had just done. "HEY YOU BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" She turned around and tried to slap me, full force. I was lucky enough to get out of the way and she lost her balance and fell flat on her ass. Taking advantage of her momentary confusion, I grabbed the soda I had in my bag and dumped it on her head as well.
 
"WHY YOU SON OF A BI--"
"Well if it isn't the little burned bitch! What are you doing alone all by yourself? Oh right, you don't have any friends, do you? Not like me though, I've got plenty of friends!"
 
Her expression of anger turned to shock, and then fear at the realization of what I'd done. I had recorded it. All of it, on my ipod.  
 
"Now who are they going to believe, Tainaka? Two nobodies with proof of harassment, or some popular bitch? If you know what's good for you, you won't bother either of us again. Ever."
 
Not waiting for a reply, I took Hanako by the hand, grabbed her bag, and practically dragged her out of the library and straight to the nurses office.
 
After that, Tainaka was suspended for three months and expelled from the girls dorms for a year. Hanako didn't come back to school for two weeks, either. On her third day back though, I found a note in my text book after coming back from the restroom.
 
"Okay."
 
It took me a moment to realize what it meant. I turned to look at Hanako, and our eyes met. She smiled at me, and then hid herself behind her textbook. It was the first time I'd ever seen her smile, and I couldn't help but to smile back.
 
I want to see more of that smile.
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"Hanako? It's me. Is everything all right?"
 
Hisao's familiar voice from beyond her door brought her back to reality. Hisao? What could he want at this hour? It's nearly curfew. Setting Takashi's journal aside, she got up to open the door.
 
"Hey. Is everything okay? You weren't answering your cell, and we were supposed to have dinner together an hour ago."
 
Oh. Right. She had a date with Hisao tonight, didn't she?
 
"I'm sorry, Hisao. I forgot. I...I've just had a lot on my mind..."
 
"Want me to come in so we can talk about it?"
 
After thinking to herself for a moment, she nodded and opened the door to let him in. "Tea?"
 
"Sure. And since you didn't show up for dinner, I figured I'd bring it to you. Here."
 
Accepting the container of food from Hisao, she set it aside and began on making the tea. What should I do? How much should I tell him? If I talk about the journal, he'll want to read it as well. I...I don't want him to. No, he definitely shouldn't read the journal. Takashi wouldn't want that. But then, what right do I have to read it? But if anyone should read it, it should be me, right?
 
"Hanako? Hey, the tea's done. Hanako? Helloooooo, earth to Hanako. This is your boyfriend speaking, do you read me?"
 
"Wha? Oh...I'm sorry, Hisao, I'll go get it."
 
"No, let me. You clearly aren't doing very well. Just sit there and eat, okay?"
 
"Hisao, where's Takashi?"
 
"What? Isn't he at home? Why, did something happen?"
 
"H...He's not there anymore. All of his things are gone, and...and he didn't even say anything to me..."
 
"Well, did you try calling him? When was the last time you spoke? Did anything happen between you two? Here, your tea."
 
"Thanks...And yeah, I tried calling him earlier. His phone's been turned off. The last time we spoke was friday, before we took that trip."
 
"Maybe he's upset that he didn't get invited to our little get away. I know you two are stuck together like paper and glue, but can you blame a guy for wanting some alone time with his girlfriend? Really, he should lighten up, haha."
 
Hands shaking, Hanako set down her teacup. "That's not funny, Hisao."
 
"What? Come on, don't be like that. I was just trying to cheer you up."
 
"And what makes you think that any of this is funny? Why is losing my best friend funny to you, Hisao? And you know what? It probably IS your fault he's gone! You probably did something to make him leave, so you could have me all to yourself, huh? You never liked him! You were always jealous that he was closer to me than you were! Yes, I'm your girlfriend, yes, we are going out, but that doesn't mean I can't have special relationships with anyone else!"
 
Hisao stood up and began pacing back and forth, running his fingers through his hair.
 
"You're right, I was jealous of him! Of how close the two of you were! But I know what he meant to you, and you know I wouldn't try and get in the way of that! I LOVE you, Hanako! I just want to help you, I want to be to you what he was! I'm sorry I made fun of him, it was wrong of me to do so, but all I wanted to do was cheer you up a bit. I'm sorry..."
 
"I... I know, Hisao. I'm sorry, too... But I just need to be alone right now, okay? I need some time. And some space."
 
"Okay. When you're ready for me to come around again, just give me a call. I didn't mean to hurt you, Hanako. I'm sorry."
 
After hearing her door click shut, Hanako got up and locked it before crawling under her covers and hugging the large teddy bear she kept on the bed. Hisao...He's just so stupid sometimes! He wants to be like you, Takashi, but he'll never come close. He just doesn't understand me the way you do, and he never will.
 
 Unable to hold back her tears any longer, she hugged the bear tightly and let it all out.
 
"Because I won't always be there to give you a hug when you need one the most." That's what he said to her when he gave her that bear for her birthday last year. It was one of the many gifts he had given her, and it was her favorite of them all.  And she was glad she had it, because she needed that hug now more than ever.
 
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Monday the 20th -
It's been two weeks since Hanako and I became "friends". So far though, all we've done is passed little notes to each other during class, and we sometimes have lunch together in the library. I knew the process of getting her to trust me and open up would be a slow one, though how long it will really take remains a mystery.
 
I can't help but think of what my grandpa used to say to me. "Boy, never, EVER expect things in life to go your way. Expect the worst to happen in any situation. That way, when things don't work out you won't be disappointed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do everything in your power to make it go your way though. When things work out, you'll have earned it, and if they fail, at least you tried your best."
 
I'm not going to let this fail.
 
Thursday the 23rd-
A thought occurred to me this morning. How can I expect Hanako to open up to me when I won't even open up to her? It's not fair, is it? So I told her everything. All of it. What THAT woman did to me, how she locked me up, tried to kill me. About the scars on my arm and back, the limited mobility of my left arm, the fear and distrust I have of others, everything.
 
And she thanked me. Thanked me for telling her about it, for trusting her. For being her friend. And then she told me about herself. About how she lost her parents in a house fire, how her mom sacrificed herself to save her. And about the bullying. How all of her friends teased her and called her names, how they found her disgusting and didn't want to be near her. How she would run away to the library when prospective adopters would come to the orphanage because it hurt to know that she would be passed up because of her scars, and how she hated herself for living, all of it.
 
It was hard for her, harder than it was for me to tell her about myself. But she told me. She trusted me, like how I had trusted her. I'm certain now, that she's the one. The only one I can trust, who I can be my true self around. Who could understand. And I told her how I felt, and if it was okay for me to trust her with my true self. And she said yes, on the condition that she could do the same with me. We made a pinky promise on it, to always be our true selves with each other no matter what.
 
After that, we talked. Talked about a lot of things, not just about our past. We talked until it was time for the library to close, and I learned a lot about my new (and only) friend. I was really happy to have someone to talk to, to be myself around. I haven't felt this way since grandpa was alive. It's a good feeling. I'm glad I'm alive, that I didn't die.