It seems harder to admit, now that it’s become a frequent happening. I know inside, somewhere deep inside, there’s the nagging feeling that this is wrong. What I’m doing is wrong, and my heart is going to stop one day because of it. Hanako seems more distant ever since I started. She’s come a long way since we cleared everything up with each other, now having a small but great circle of friends. I just have this nagging feeling that she doesn’t approve; even if she would never have it in her to tell me. I’ve practically signed my own death wish – I’ve started smoking.
 
        It’s become such a regular clock-ticker that I don’t even remember how it began. I hazily remember Kenji calming down due to it. Kenji being calmer meant that all of his conspiracies regarding feminism in Yamaku more clearly revealed itself as a tool for him to vent. Every now and then, we’d pretend like it was the, for lack of a better phrase, old days. He’d tell me about his newfound ability to “crack this conspiracy wide open,” and I’d brush it off, completely oblivious to what it must be like inside his head. He still isn’t ready to admit that he was actually serious about it at one point.
 
        Shizune and Lilly hardly ever fight anymore. I feel like their mutual concern for my ever-worsening condition has brought them closer together somehow. I suppose the enemy of my enemy is my friend, while my enemy’s mutual friend dying means I should drop everything to be there for him – even if it means putting aside petty rivalries. In a way, you could say that my heart slowly dying is the best thing that’s ever happened to them. It makes me wonder whether or not they could keep it that way after my heart actually does give out. Here’s hoping they can.
 
        Hanako seems to be taking it the worst, though. It feels like she hates the sight of me killing myself, and avoids me somewhat to not see that. Knowing this, I’ve stopped smoking anywhere near her, though sometimes she does catch me doing it. Every time that happens, she nervously tells me I shouldn’t do it, and that she worries about me. It seems so impersonal that I feel like she fears my rejection, and doesn’t want to push me. It seems out of character, considering how far she’s gone. But I guess when you’re with somebody from your past, you degrade to the very first time you met them.
 
 
        Today’s my birthday. Hanako, Misha, Shizune, Lilly, and Kenji all have something planned for me. They told me where to meet them, and even what to wear. I guess Shizune had more to do with this than I originally thought. Waking up at exactly seven in the morning, I take a shower, shave my now-lengthy moustache, and dress up in something rather casual. Driving a fairly well-maintained Nissan Cefiro A33, I head off to the location hastily written on the piece of paper, a cigarette in my other hand.
 
        When I get there, it’s pretty much what I expected. It’s a tea-shop, akin to the Shanghai back in Yamaku. At least, that’s what it was called until they renovated it. It’s now a Chili’s, which I always thought was a strange direction to go. It’s pretty much always packed now, though, so I suppose I don’t have a mind quite like a business owner. As I enter the shop, I’m greeted by Kenji, with a simple but seemingly practiced “sup bro, happy birthday!” I give him my thanks, and we head to our table.
 
        I sit down, smelling heavily of Marlboro Reds, and I get the normal lectures from everybody. Shizune telling me that she “won’t tell me how to live my life, but those things are deadly, especially with your condition,” Lilly telling me that I smell and I shouldn’t be smoking because it messes up her awareness of the things around her, and Hanako just quietly looking on in disappointment. The rest of the day was pretty much average, but it felt like there was something missing; something loud, something that made Shizune stand out more – Misha. She’s not here.
 
        “Where’s Misha?” I ask, with childlike curiosity.
 
        Suddenly, everything goes silent. I look at all of their faces, but all I can see is sadness. Even Shizune’s regularly blank face and Lilly’s calm and composed smile are destroyed by the question. Hanako’s mouth is quivering, clearly trying to hold back tears. The silence goes on for what feels like a half hour, until Kenji decides to speak.
 
        “Bro… Misha’s not with us anymore.”
 
        It’s amazing how such a small amount of words can completely tarnish a shared feeling of joy. Feeling like I unwittingly caused it, I decide not to ask any more questions, and reply with a simply “Oh. I didn’t know.”
 
        The day seemed to be picking back up its momentum, when the accumulation of all of those cigarettes I’ve smoked in the past hits me. It hits me hard. Is this a flutter, or a full blown heart attack?