>In General Sparkle~Cola’s inner sanctum
“So…She’s coming to end it all,” the glass pony said to a small cluster of soda bottles around her. The Great General had gathered her army to make a final stand against the armies of Queen Abraxo, who now march to her base in the old Sparkle~Cola plant. She had made many attempts to prepare her “troops” for battle, drilling them and testing them endlessly. But no matter how many times she cried, shouted or screamed at the bottles and crates of cola, they refused to budge or acknowledge her order. She was convinced that her armies, who now faced total annihilation at the hooves of a mighty enemy, have given up on her and left her to die.
Frustrated, the General smashed an empty bottle against a crate. “What the fuck is wrong with you flat maggots?!” she screeched, “That Abraxo bitch is coming to murder us all and you’re just sitting there collecting dust!” She beat her hooves against the wooden crate in a futile attempt to wake it up. No response. “You’re going to die, you fucking idiots! We’re all going to die!” she screamed, panic taking her in full force. After beating on the crate for a good long minute, she fell onto her haunches. The room was as quiet as it ever was.
“…I’m all alone…I’m alone…And she’s going to kill me….”
“…Oh Celestia, I don’t wanna die!”
“I don’t wanna die…”
>In the command center of the Abraxo Queen
“My liege! We have arrived at Sparkle~Cola’s stronghold!” an officer informed me, “How shall we proceed?” I looked over the filthy industrial carcass the General called home. Centuries ago, it had produced gallons the famed Sparkle~Cola beverage that remained popular even today. But like the rest of Sparkle~Cola’s many “fortresses”, its defenses were virtually non-existent. Now that she has retreated here, I would deal with her personally, and then move on to cleanse the rest of the wasteland.
“Order the troops to remain here. I will deal with the General myself,” I told my officer. He gave a stiff salute and ran off. I turned to face the doors leading into the factory and the sole fortification blocking my entrance: a large wooden crate full of empty soda bottles. “Really, Cola?” I thought to myself, “I thought you’d know better by now.” My horn flared to life, an aura of magic surrounding the wooden barrier. Slowly it floated upwards, then back several feet from the doors. With all my might, I sent the crate careening into the doors, smashing through them with the force of a freight train. I stepped over the remains of my improvised battering ram, looked back to my troops watching me eagerly, and strode into the lair of Sparkle~Cola.
The air stank of rotting wood and carrots. Red and yellow streamers and assorted Sparkle~Cola-themed decor adorned the ruined reception room of the Sparkle~Cola plant. Apparently, before the apocalypse, there had been some sort of promotional event at the factory. A party that was abruptly cut short before it ever began. An old jingle still sounded from aged speakers, echoing through the halls like a ghostly wail.
“…Wwwhhaaaat mmmaaakkkeesss yyyyoooouuuu sssmmmiiillleee aaaaallll thhheeee wwwwhhhiiiilllleee….”
I pushed on into the factory’s depths. I passed the dusty old offices dolled up in ruined party decorations. Through the great brewing plant, flooded with foul-smelling cola sludge. Past the bottling lines where scores of empty bottles were arranged in groups that almost resembled infantry formations. As I walked through the corridors, I caught glimpses of faded posters depicting a very familiar mascot: a glass pony with a brown mane, filled with cola. And everywhere I went, that damn jingle followed me.
”…Mmmmaaaaakkkeeessss yyyooooouuu wwwwaaaannnnnnnttt ttttoooo ppplllaaaayyy aaaalllllll dddaaaaaaayyyy….”
I made a note: after smashing that glass bitch, find whatever’s playing this shit and rip its circuits out.
My search brought me to a storage area, and I found myself confronted by a new obstacle: A large metal door leading into a storage freezer. The door was locked tight, and I doubted an assault with a crate would do any good here. I was not deterred. I took a look at the door’s lock and drew out a screwdriver and a bobby pin. Sure, it was demeaning of a pony of my stature to use a poor pony’s lockpick, but even royalty must get their hooves dirty every now and then. With a rewarding click, the lock gave way and allowed me access. I strode through the door and into the General’s lair.
The room was cold, perfect for storing soda. Empty bottles and wooden crates lined the shelves and stood around across the floor. I chuckled to myself. For a pony like her to think that these bottles would defend her. I suppose killing her would be a mercy….If only I could find her.
“…A little Sparkle’s all you need…”
Wait…That wasn’t from the speakers.
There she was, in the middle of a group of cola bottles. She was…cuddling a bottle of Sparkle~Cola, softly singing the same jingle that’s been playing from the aged speakers. Tears of soda ran down her face. Hearing my approach, she looked up, and that familiar glint of madness lit in her eyes. “Well, you made it here you squeaky-clean skank!” she spat at me, “So finish me off! Kill me and the rest of this damn wasteland is yours!”
I was amused. I now saw the General as what she really was: a lunatic driven by delusions of grandeur. Well, she’d waited centuries for this, and I am not one to displease. “Very well, General,” I boomed “Let’s settle this once and for all!” I spotted an old steel bar on the floor and grabbed it with my magic. The General responded by producing an old Sparkle~Cola sign.
“En Garde!”
I must admit, for somepony who had been trapped alone in a dilapidated soda factory for 200 years, Sparkle~Cola was a damn fine fighter. Every swing of my rusty pole was expertly parried by her vintage sign. She began to advance on me, striking harder and faster with her improvised hammer. I wanted to keep this clean, no dirty tricks. However, she had different ideas. As I was about to prepare my counterattack, the general spewed a gout of cola at my hooves, causing me to slip and fall. Before I could get up, her weapon flew to my throat.
“My, how the tables have turned, ‘Queen Abraxo’!” she jeered, “Now I’ve got you where I want you, and your soldiers aren’t here to bail you out! Any last words before I turn your head into applesauce?” There was a long silence. Then….I started laughing hysterically. The glass pony was puzzled. “What’s so funny?” she inquired. I got up and dropped my “fencing bar” beside me. “That was by far the best fight I’ve had in years!” I whooped, “You’ve bested me, my soda-filled friend!” The general grew even more puzzled by my sudden display of friendliness. I wiped some sweat off my brow. “Damn, that fight sure took a lot out of me. I could use a drink.”
I wasn’t sure what exactly happened, but not soon after the words “I could use a drink” had left my lips, the general sprang up, grabbed me and frenched me then and there. A stream of refreshing cola flowed from her mouth into mine. I was shocked and disturbed by her sudden move (and admittedly, a little bit aroused).
And it was the best cola I had ever drank!
She gasped and backed off shyly, her face redder than wine. “Forgive me, please!” she sputtered, “I…I don’t know what came over me!” I faced her with awe. “That…was delicious!” I exclaimed. The general lightened up. “…Really?” she said warily. I regarded her with a warm smile. Tears of joy leapt from her eyes, and she hugged me, sobbing like a little filly. Now I understood her madness. And in that moment, I knew what I had to do next.
“General Sparkle~Cola!” I started. Her bout of crying stopped and she snapped to attention. “I, the Queen of Abraxo, hereby declare that your kingdom shall be spared from destruction. However, you must swear loyalty unto my throne and share your bounty with our kingdom.” She pondered for a moment. Then, finding her answer, she stomped her hoof down in agreement. “Very well, my Queen! As General of the Grand Sparkle~Cola Army, I surrender unto you. I will serve your kingdom till the end.” I smiled at her. “Come along, then,” I said, “We have much to do.”
>Back in the Kingdom of Abraxo
“Citizens of the Abraxo Kingdom!” I addressed the great crowd before the palace, “The armies of Sparkle~Cola are no more! Their riches shall serve our kingdom and all who inhabit it! And so I decree!” I then drew forth several crates loaded with bottles of fresh ice-cold Sparkle~Cola. “On this day, there shall be free Sparkle~Cola for one and all!” The crowd cheered merrily, and then proceeded to enjoy the “spoils of war”. With that out of the way, I retired to my palace.
The former general sat beside my throne, leashed up with the rest of my harem. “Did they enjoy the gifts, my queen?” she inquired. “They did indeed, my sweet little treat,” I purred, “I expect the kingdom will have plenty of fine cola to drink for many years.” She smiled. “Thank you, my queen,” Cola said, “You have no idea how much this means to me.” She gave me a little peck on the cheek. “Now, for your gift for me~,” I cooed, “Hit the lights!” At that, the lights in the throne room grew dim, creating a sensual atmosphere. I approached her slowly and then took a peek at my prize. I stopped dead.
“….There aren’t any holes back here!”
>That night…
“Your highness!” a guard burst into my bedchamber, out of breath. I yelped. “Damn it! I said that no stallion may enter my chambers!” I shouted at him. “Apologies, my queen, but I have news most dire!” he said, “Somepony had broken into the palace while you were away and abducted two mares from your harem!” I almost shot through the roof. “What!? Who were they? And who took them?!” I fumed. “Velvet-er, Nurse Feelgood and…DJ Sweetass, milady,” the guard answered, “There was a message left for us from the Whiskey Kingdom as well!” I seethed with rage. Blackjack. I should have known she was still alive. “Give me that!” I snapped, snatching the note away.”
“Queen Abraxo,”
“We have taken your favored mares into our custody. If you wish to see them again, you will come to our domain in Hoofington, alone and unarmed. We will negotiate their release from there. Should you come with your armies or with a weapon, they will die. We anticipate your arrival.”
“Morning Glory, Steward of the Whiskey Kingdom.”
>To Be Continued…