>In the Palace of the Abraxo Queen
“Guilty of all charges!” I thundered from atop my dais, “Dip her into the Pit!” A scream echoed through the courtroom as the prisoner was sent into the cleansing chemicals of the Bleach Pit. I stood up and walked down from the dais, with my beloved Nurse Feelgood in tow. “Well, the moment has passed,” I declared, “Come, my dear. Let us retire.” My aide followed me reluctantly. “Um…My queen?” she piped up, “Do you not think that you were a little too…harsh with the prisoner?” I turned to face her with forced bravado. “Nonsense!” I boomed, “That wretch had besmirched my palace with her unwashed hooves! You know very well that I do not tolerate such heresy in my domain!” I yanked her leash and dragged her off to my chambers. “Now let us be off. I must rest now, and you shall sleep with me tonight.” I could see her grimace out of the corner of my eye. Nurse Feelgood had always been the most difficult mare in my harem, despite being the loveliest. Oh well. All good things have a price.
>The very next day
The council room lay silent, softly shimmering in the morning light. I rarely used this room, since I had no reason to conduct diplomatic relations…until now. After several months of war with the Grand Sparkle~Cola Army, with casualties mounting on both sides, it was decided that a peaceful solution must be found. To that end, a summit would be held at my palace, with help from what my advisors call the greatest mediator in the wasteland. I could feel a weight lifting off my chest.  This savage war has brought enough pain and suffering to both of us. I was not going to create another wasteland after all I’ve done to purify it.
Herald horns sounded, signaling the arrival of General Sparkle~Cola. She strode through the great doors, accompanied by a compliment of her elite guard (a wagon loaded with bottles of Sparkle~Cola). She stared at me coldly as she took her place across the table. “If looks could kill, that would be a Balefire Strike,” I thought to myself.  She sat down, placing two bottles on the table (without coasters!). A herald stepped forth, drew out a scroll and cleared his throat.
“Hear this,” he began, “Two parties have convened to negotiate peace between their respective nations!” He motioned to me, then squinted at the scroll inquisitively. “Queen….’Thunderthighs’ LittlePip of the Kingdom of Abraxo…” I tried to contain a scream. The herald resumed, motioning to the glass pony across from me. “…And Grand General Sparkle~Cola of the Grand Sparkle~Cola Army!” I felt the soda pony’s stare grow colder.
“And joining us today, a mediator selected for her skill in diplomatic negotiation…” He motioned to the doors behind him, which flew open to reveal an all-too familiar pony. “From the Whiskey Kingdom of Hoofington, the Security Mare! Whiskey Queen Blackjack!” I smacked my face with a hoof. THIS was the mediator my advisors sought out? This idiotic drunkard? Well, at least she seemed to have recovered from her trip to the Pit.
“Hey! Hey, errypony!” she slurred. Great, she’s drunk. This is just –perfect-. “Okay, okay…less getthis started!” she said, staggering to the table. “Deeeaarly beluvved,” she started, “We’re gathered here tahday…to join this…big glass soda thing…” The General looked at me, worry in her eyes. The “mediator” continued, pointing at me with a metal hoof. “…An’ this…this lil’ lesbo gal, in ah…holey maripony!” I buried my face in my hooves, hoping this nightmare could end.
It ended with a bottle smashing against my face.
“THIS is your diplomatic solution, ‘Queen’ Abraxo?” the General roared. Her cold gaze now turned to a hot glare that could set a lesser pony on fire. “You truly are a joke! And this mediator you brought forth! A drunkard from the ass-end of the wasteland!” The inebriated mediator shot a glare back at the raving soda pony. “Consider us at war once again, you squeaky-clean skank!” At that, she spat in my eye, the cola burning like venom. I then heard a belch from the “mediator”. “Well, lemme tell ya somethin’, ya glass bitch!” she hollered, “You an lesbo here arrre both loons. So…so the Kingdom of Whiskey is declarin’ war on both yer asses! An we’re gonna kick ya in tha…” At that, she passed out. “So be it! It is to be war between our nations!” I shouted, “Guards! Remove these scoundrels from my palace. Next we meet, it shall be on the field of battle!”
The summit failed and war was upon us again. The outcome of this conflict would decide the fate of the wasteland. Now that I knew that there was no hope for a peaceful resolution, I was determined now more than ever to rid the world of their filth along with the rest. I retired to my chambers, with two mares in my company for tonight. As I drifted off to sleep, a thought struck me.
“Thunderthighs?!”