>In the Palace of the Abraxo Queen
“Ah swear Ah saws him! He was right outside mah hut in the dead of night, eyes glowin’ red and fangs drippin’ with venom!” I let out an exasperated groan as the old buck before me retold his story of how “Deadshot” visited him last night. “Ah was watchin’ him from the window! Ah saw him rip one of mah Brahmin to shreds and eat it up raw! Ya shoulda seen it, Yer Majesty!” I rose and signaled for a guard to take him away. “Thank you, Bitterroot, I’ll have someone look into it. Guards, please escort him out.” I then got up and returned to my chambers, waiting for the next cockamamie “Deadshot encounter”.
I was starting to regret the extravagant bounty I placed on Deadshot’s head. Ever since that fateful day, citizens from all over the kingdom have been lining up with many crackpot stories of encounters with the hated criminal, hoping to cash in on a small fortune. My kingdom was thrown into turmoil all because of that bastard pegasus. Local crazies had been flocking to the palace in droves and neighbors had been turning against one another, accusing them of being or harboring Deadshot (thinking back, it never occurred to me to hang a wanted poster depicting his likeness). I was prepared to quell this wave of discord myself…
“My Queen? What troubles you?” I looked up and saw my ever-faithful General Sparkle~Cola, a look of concern in her eyes. I sighed. “What doesn’t trouble me. Ever since that crazed gunpony showed up, I’ve been having to deal with crackpot stories here and false accusations there. This whole kingdom’s going to hell in a hoof-basket.” The general puffed out her chest and put on her best “You can count on me” face. “Well, why not put those peasants in line? I can get the troops ready and put ‘em down!” I shook my head. “No, martial law isn’t the answer. Morale’s at an all-time low right now, and doing that would just make matters worse for everypony.” I started pacing, thinking to myself. “We need somepony to keep the peace without risking open rebellion…Somepony the folks can look up to and keep them safe at night…” Finding my answer, I leapt up with a whoop. “I’ve got it! We need a new sheriff!” Sparkle~Cola was puzzled. “What do you mean?” she asked, “What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?”
I pointed a hoof at the closet, where a corpse still remained from the day Deadshot attacked the palace. On his chest was a silver sheriff’s badge, and attached was a note saying “I shot the Sheriff, and the Deputy, and I’m coming for you next!”
“Oh…right.”
“So,” I said, moving matters ahead, “Know any potential candidates?” The general shuddered, unnerved by the question. “N-no!” she stammered, “What makes you think I know anypony who’d be up to that?!” I smiled smugly. “You know, you’re cute when you’re lying.” I nickered. She sighed. “Fine…I know somepony who might make a good sheriff…You know, it’s not too late to send out the troops!” I stomped my hoof down. “No, General. We’re going to find this pony and see if he or she will take up our offer. Do you know where to look?” The glass general groaned, but nodded in agreement. “She lives out west, around an old factory….”
>Somewhere across the Wasteland
“Well, this is the place…” Sparkle~Cola said, motioning to the dirty industrial carcass before me. The place looked much like the old Sparkle~Cola plant where my dear friend had once lived, but this place appeared to be in much better shape. A sign adorned the entrance to the factory, depicting a rising sun and the words “SUNRISE SARSAPARILLA”. “Great.” I said, eager to seek out the sheriff, “How might I get her attention?” “Well…I hear she usually responds to a hearty yodel, but you might try knocking on the door…” Before she could continue, I took a deep breath, held it and prepared to sing the song of my people. The General looked at me, alarm in her eyes. “Wait! Don’t…”
“YODEL-AAYY-EEE-HOO!”
The sound of my clarion call echoed around us, and I might say that Goddess Celestia in heaven could’ve heard that. I looked over to Sparkle~Cola, clutching her ears which no doubt still rang from my cry. “…How’s that?” I asked, a sheepish grin on my face. The general glared at me. After a moment passed, she got up. “Well, it looks like she isn’t home right now. Come on, let’s get back to the palace and muster the troops…” Once again she was interrupted, this time by a sound like thunder from behind the factory doors.
“YEEEE-HAW!”
The doors flew open and what I beheld….I just couldn’t believe. It was a glass pony, filled with soda, much like my General. Only this one sported a glorious golden mane, clad in a rather spiffy cowpony’s outfit and was filled with a hearty brew of Sunrise Sarsaparilla. She wore a big grin on her face and pranced about like a filly who just got her Cutie Mark. “Well a hale and hearty howdy t’ y’all!” she drawled, “Ah’m Sheriff Sarsaparilla! It’s a real pleasure ta meet y’all!” She shook my hoof so hard that it almost fell right off. She saw the General and her smile grew bigger. “Cousin Cola?! Well wallop my withers, girl! Where’ve you been?!” The soda-filled cowpony quickly snatched up the poor general in her forelegs, much to the latter’s discomfort. She shot a look at me that said “I’ll skin you alive for this.” I just laughed and laughed…
>That afternoon…
“You two are cousins?” I asked, cracking open a bottle of Sunrise Sarsaparilla. The sheriff’s soda wasn’t nearly as good as Sparkle~Cola’s, but damn was it tasty! The sheriff nodded, tuning an old guitar. “We sure as sugar are. Not many ponies back in the day knew this, but Cola an’ Ah were both made by the same folks…though neither of us rightly know who they were.” I sipped my soda thoughtfully. Cola was off somewhere, shooting empty bottles with an old BB gun. “So you’ve been stuck here for the last 200 years as well?” I asked her. She shook her head, grabbing another bottle. “Naw, Ah got outta here after the smoke cleared. Ah saw that folks still drink Sunrise Sarsaparilla, so Ah’ve spent the years keepin’ the machines stocked up with fresh bottles o’ Sunrise, courtesy o’ yours truly!” She cracked the bottle open and gulped it down.
“But enough chit-chat about old times,” said the sheriff, putting the guitar down, “What can Ah do ya for?” Oh yes, I almost forgot why we came out here. “Sunrise, I’ve got a proposition for you,” I said, “You see, my kingdom to the east has been thrown into chaos thanks to a vicious terrorist. I need somepony to help keep the peace…somepony like you.”  Her eyes went wide. “So…will you do it?” I said with an earnest smile. “Golly, Yer Majesty…Ah don’t know what to say…” she said, a small tear coming to her eye. “Of course Ah will!” I grinned, feeling like a song was coming on.
But, of course, it was not that easy. Wouldn’t be much of a story if it was.
*”Oh for goodness’ sake! Look at this mess!”* A shrill tinny voiced yelped. A maintenance robot buzzed in, flustered by the abysmal state of the room. A ratty old hat was on its head, and it was decked with an assortment of tools on its many arms. *”Miss Sarsaparilla! What are you doing out here?”* it snapped, “The mixing vats are still offline and we need to meet out daily quota!”* It then noticed me sitting next to the glass sheriff. *”Wait...Intruder!”* He raised a circular saw and revved it up. “Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute!” the sheriff shouted, “This here’s the Abraxo Queen, an-. “ The robot cut her off, wildly brandishing its saw. *”Don’t be so daft, Sarsaparilla! For all you know, this intruder could be a Zebra spy! Now move over! I will deal with her myself!”* The bot seized her with a gripper arm and flung her across the room, slamming into an old desk with a crack. *”I will make this quick!”* it said, readying a flamethrower arm. I flinched. This was gonna get real hot…
KA-BONG!
The robot fell to the ground, its limbs going limp. General Sparkle~Cola stood atop it, a weathered guitar in her hooves. “Don’t fuck with my cousin, scrapheap.” she spat, kicking the junked bot. She trotted over to the sheriff and helped her get up. “Thanks for the save back there, cuz,” she said, “Ah’ve been meaning to hand in mah resignation to that rusty ol’ geezer for some time.” Cola smiled. “Don’t mention it, Sunny. Just keep that old thing tuned. Never know when I’ll have to save your sorry ass again.” They both laughed as I watched. “Come on, you little bumpkin. Let’s go home!” The three of us took what we could from the factory and rode off back to the palace.
>Back in the Palace…
I watched over the kingdom from the balcony, the town below glistening in the wasteland sun. The ambience of a busy day in the kingdom was music to my ears. And even better, I no longer had a line of would-be bounty hunters outside my palace steps. The new sheriff had been good about that, not to mention the sharp decrease in crime throughout my kingdom. I floated over a bottle of Sunrise, sipping it as the sun set on my domain. And then something woke up inside me…and I found myself calling out like I had at the old Sunrise plant.
“Yodel-ay-ee-hoo! Yodel-ay-ee-hoo!”
“Yodel-ay-oh-hey-yodel-ay!”