I feel my back hitting the metal fence as Kenji continues to move closer and closer. I lean back, putting my weight onto it before I feel it give. With a loud scratching sound I hear it break apart from the surrounding metal. It quickly throws me off balance but I'm able to grab the ledge just in time before I fall backwards. "Shit!" I yell as I quickly turn around, grabbing the ledge with both my hands looking downwards. With a loud metal crash the fence hits the ground below, crushing the grass below it. I look over to Kenji as he comes into realization of what just happened. Despite his drunken state he reacts oddly enough like any normal person would in this situation and bolts for the door. For the first time I see a look of fear on his face and I question the exact reason he's afraid in the first place. Is he scared we might have crushed someone down there? Or is he honestly concerned about getting in trouble from this?
 
"I could have died just then" I say to the night sky as I look up, closing my eyes for a moment thinking what the sensation of falling would have felt like. My senses quickly come back to me as I hear the door on the roof slam. The faint sound of a muffled Kenji leaks behind the door as he begins to descend the stairs. I look down to the ground, rolling my neck, laughing at the idea that I've just somehow avoided death. I doubt this is something to laugh about, but given my condition I don't think twice about it. I drag my feet over to the pillows and an empty whiskey bottle Kenji has left. The sound of the rocks moving under my shoes is relaxing. I let out a small smile, happily drunk. Suddenly with Kenji gone, the booze, and the close encounter with death, I've obtained a cheerful buzz.
 
I bend down slowly, picking up the bottle of whiskey and inspecting its contents. Almost empty but enough to at least keep the bottle and give to Kenji later. Collecting the pillows and a good amount of the garbage I head for the door. For a split moment a chill runs down the back of my spine as I fear the door might have been locked behind Kenji but a wave of relief washes over me as the door opens with a good shove.
 
I walk down the stairs very slowly. I should probably be more concerned with campus security coming up the stairs to nab the fence dropping guy but I'm in a state of drunken bliss which makes me forget such concerns.
 
I reach my door, encountering not a single soul on my way. Kenji's door is closed so I make my way into my room quietly, throwing the blankets, pillows and the bottle onto the floor. I head for the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
 
I roll my head back as I urinate. I'm particularly loud with my groan of relief as I finish up. I turn around, washing my hands in the sink before I catch myself in the mirror.
 
Not having a mirror in my bedroom can be somewhat tedious, I rarely come into the bathroom into the morning and inspect myself, and my hair is always somewhat messy no matter how hard I try to fix it. I look into my eyes; I look at my stupid grin, my stupid drunken face. I keep staring, feeling my weight begin to take over my legs. The soft white hum of the lights above me fills the silence of the bathroom. I rest my weight at the edge of the sink, continuing to stare at myself. Soon the grin turns into a frown. The longer I stare the more my feelings seem to turn 180 degrees in the opposite direction. My blissful state soon turns to hatred, looking at myself, my pathetic self.
 
Without hesitation as the thought enters my mind I spit onto the mirror, right into the reflection of my face. I feel angry this person in front of me is such a pathetic failure. "You're fucking pitiful" I say aloud, the sound of my voice seems to echo in the tiled bathroom.
 
I replay the events of the past week or so back in my mind. The thought of every missed opportunity, the thought of what I should have said instead, all the effects if these feelings collectively rush into my chest, into my soul, filling myself with hatred for the stupid idiot I am. I feel the inside of my nose flair up with a tingling sensation of heat, my throat closes up, my eyes squint and then the tears come.
 
I feel them begin to roll down my face, falling into the sink. I hang my head down, trying to hold back the sobbing. My nose begins to run, burning inside. My entire body feels anxious, like I want to correct everything, like I just want it to be morning already so I can go outside and find people, socialize and not be so pathetic. I want to go find Emi and run with her. I want to go try and discuss art with Rin, I want to see how amazing her mural came out. I want tea. I want to help Lilly make her tea. Hanako, please I want to know what book you're reading, please let me win in chess again, I know you’re letting me win. I want to play Risk. I'll join the student council Shizune; I'll do it for you and Misha. I promise I won't complain anymore, I'll help you both whenever you need it, please...
 
I wipe the snot from my nose as it begins to dribble off of my face with the tears. I inhale loudly, my breath stutters and my chest feels like it's on fire. I reach up and begin to unbutton my shirt.
 
The hospital rooms generally don't have mirrors on the bathroom walls so patients won't freak out about how bad their injuries look. I haven't really looked at my scar aside from just looking down my chest. I haven't seen ME with my scar. I step, back reaching up and gently pressing my fingertips along the mutilated skin. The saliva on the mirror seems to somehow be perfectly aligned with the length and size of my scar, distorting the reflection. My breathing remains erratic and my lungs feel like they’re filled with liquid fire but the tears have stopped. I head for the door, turning off the lights behind me.
 
Walking into my room I stub my toe on the whiskey bottle on the floor. Turning on a light I laugh to myself as the events with Kenji play out in my mind in a blur. I pick up the bottle and take a long swig of it, draining it completely. I wipe my mouth as I feel the burning sensation in the back of my mouth matching the burning sensation in my chest. My face feels cold from the dried tears and my nose is still runny. I sit at my desk, grabbing a tissue and blowing my nose. I begin to laugh at the thoughts I had in the bathroom as they collectively mesh with the thoughts of Kenji's ideals. Is it because they're all girls that I'm so upset? Does Kenji really have this figured out?
 
I look over to the empty bottle once more, smiling and shaking my head realizing my thoughts should be taken with absolutely no serious regard at this hour and in my drunken condition. I climb into my bed, pressing my face into the pillow, smothering myself until it becomes too difficult to breathe. I turn on my back, laying on top of the covers with my clothes still on, staring up at the ceiling. I wish I could just all go back, I just need to try this again. I had the opportunities...
 
I feel a wave of anger and sadness begins to boil inside of me as I think about it all again. I quickly try to distract myself with something else. My mind goes back to standing out in the snowy field. I can feel the wind against my face, my shoes compacting the snow below me. I feel myself blowing into my hands to warm them up. I feel the nervousness of finding out who left that note in my textbook. I feel the embarrassment of the possibility it was all just a prank on me by my friends. It isn't long before my eyes close and I drift off to sleep, dreaming of standing under that tree, hearing those footsteps approach behind me...